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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

 
 
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Old 09-19-18, 05:12 PM
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Jacksper Jacksper is offline
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I just asked for a second chance to start dating with a girl

I just asked a girl out that I was dating with until 2 months ago. We dated for a few weeks, but then I became very depressed because I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well (get organized, work hard, be a positive person with her), I was not very good at relaxing, and taking good care of myself for that matter, and there was a lot of guilt, shame and self-anger about my past coming back. A lot of this is because of my experiences from ADD - I failed a lot at many areas of my life and that damaged my sense of self-worth, I have to struggle for the simplest things and I am very fanatic at that (pushing my feelings away a lot) and I just was not good at regulating my emotions. It was a terrible emotional rollercoaster, all happening in my head. I tried keeping it in and enjoying our time, but I just couldn't. She saw that I was acting weirdly, in a forced way. She slowly started distancing herself and that made me even more confused. Eventually I told her that I had to work on this, with her in my life or by myself. She told me that I'd better do it alone.

A few weeks later I asked her to have a drink somewhere to talk about what happened. We had a positive conversation. She told me that she was angry and confused for my behavior, and she said that she felt that I was not being honest with her. I agreed that she had a point there, and apologized. I said that I just wanted to be honest, but I also wanted to be have a good time with her and talk about the difficult feelings and thoughts that I had. I saw that she became more relaxed as we talked and we had a good afternoon.

She said that I didn't have to do this myself, that I could do this with a psychologist. I realized that she had a good point and I agreed with her. The next day I called a psychologist and in the same week I had an appointment.

In the next two months I worked hard on myself, and the most important change that I made was that I started to take better care of myself. During the weeks I was dating her I just didn't take moments to rest, moments by myself, and before that I hardly did that as well. I was filling all the quiet moments with business and noise. I was fleeing from my own feelings and fighting overzealously to make something of my life, even though I am better in many areas then I could have dreamed. It was time to stop fighting all the time and to start to look for peace, with myself and the world. Now, I take more moments to rest, I prioritize sleeping and eating well, I do less side projects and I often tell myself that it's ok to make mistakes and to feel bad every now and then (forcing yourself to feel and act in a certain way has not proven helpful). Also, I just came back from a 2.5 week holiday in Africa, where I walked a lot, ate well and lived the african lifestyle, doing every day what I felt like doing. Now I feel a lot better.

There's still a lot of progress to be made, but I decided that I don't have to be perfect. I still love this girl, even though I tried to let go, so I decided that I should ask her out again, sooner rather than later. So, I just did it. She was very surprised and told me she had to think about it, she had a few bad experiences like this one and she did not want to be hurt again. She concluded that we probably weren't a match if I felt this bad. I told her that I would have had the same experience with any girl, that I just had to learn some lessons (I postponed dating for a long time, and when I had dates (rarely) it always went like this, even quicker and worse). I told her that I understood that she was not sure, that it must have been a tough experience for here when I acted so strange, and that it's ok either way, that I want her to feel good and if she didn't want to be with me, that she should't do it.

Anyways, I am proud that I asked her out again, took a lot of guts after all of this if I may say so myself, and very happy that she didn't reject me straight away. If she want to go out with me I am very happy, but if she does reject me, I can (and will) let go of this and that will be a good thing as well, there's other girls out there (I know that rationally, and there's several that clearly are into me, but I just can't let go of her).

This girl I am dating is a psychiatrist btw, so she knows how to handle people with problems, but I think it's good if I don't let her be my caretaker. That said, I will be honest with her about how I feel, I think that is healthy. I will continue working with my psychologist to become more emotionally stable and to build a more balanced life. I hope that I become more relaxed as time passes, and that there won't be another outburst like this.

But above all I hope that we can get to know each other better, have fun and be good for each other.

I just decided that I will cut out several other side projects so that I have more time for myself and for a girl in my life. I don't want to let go, because I am doing a lot of interesting and promising things, but I can't deny that I am just a human and that I have limits. If I am not prepared to make sacrifices, then I will become overworked and depressed again in no-time, and I could lose everything that's dear to me - my health, my sanity, my work and her. I have seen many people entering a burnout and it's not pretty.

ADD continues to (indirectly) make life challenging, but I will never give up striving for a good life. I hope that I can do that with her. I wonder how it will work on the long term, it's been 13 years ago since I had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks. But I did well back then (it was before ADD started becoming a huge problem in my life, I was (just) managing to keep things together, like school), and I trust that I am not damaged goods, that I can heal. And if she is right for me than she will allow me to be human and struggle a bit here and there with organization, concentration, and to not always be happy and strong. I will do the same for her, though I think she doesn't have ADD.

Another interesting thing is that she is 34, and I am 31. I never expected this. I mean I thought that since I am a late bloomer that I'd better date younger women. And I rationally still think that, because time is ticking if she wants children. It's too soon to make a decision here or even talk about it, but I have accepted this fact and I won't make this a barrier. She is a wonderful person and if it works between us, we will also figure this out.

However, I will first wait for her decision. It's hard to say what my chances are, and I will try not to think about this too much. I screwed up badly last time and she may not be able to trust that it will not happen again. I can't be sure either, but I know that I am doing much better now, that I am taking a lot of good steps and that life is too short to wait until I am perfect before I allow someone in my life.

I just had to get that out of my system. Thanks for reading and feel free to respond if you have interesting thoughts to share, or if you've had experiences like this (from either side).
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The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Jacksper For This Useful Post:
DanielGM1970 (09-19-18), Fuzzy12 (09-19-18), peripatetic (09-19-18)
 

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