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Old 02-10-17, 04:39 AM
Dopinder Dopinder is offline
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Smile Really need Help. You all are my last chance...

Sorry to sound so urgent but I really need any bodies help. I don't mean to whine or cry or make a fuss on my first day and post on here but I have yet to find help in the hundreds of thousands of people I've met in my life etc.

Let me start by saying my life is going pretty okay right now but it is still fractured. I guess before I start with the present I will have to go to the past for a bit. As a kid I was always energetic and playful but I would have tantrums and mood swings. I was super smart but would wanna do what I wanted to do. I would have bouts of energy and anxiety but nothing came of it. Then HS rolled around. By this time I managed to make friends but I was picked on severely for years on end. I could impress ppl with my comedy but I always always awkward and never once in my entire left felt like I fit in. And if I did I could count on my hands...
In I would excel and feel on top of the world one day and the next I couldn't even get out of bed. My mind raced constantly non stop. It got worst and worst as each year would progress. My uncle ( who is a pediatrician) told my Mom I probably had ADHD and that I should work on it together with her etc. my Mom uncle and family LwYs wanted the the best but they are old school Filipinos. They didn't want me drugged and either way I'm glad they didn't. I would consistently miss appointments and projects and would beat my self up for days. I was homicidal maybe once in my life and sucicidal 2 different times but only tried once to actually do anything. I am over all of that now. I wake up
Some days and feel like I could take
On the world only for me to fail again and this cycle has repeated for 26 years I'll be 27 in a month. Ppl have told me that I was bipolar. This included best friends I have known for decades and family members. Most recently me and my best friends went to Vegas. they all are used to me but one of my good friends I kept annoying. I'd talk to EVERY single stranger I'd meet id run up to them. Start talking as fast as I could and some instances wanted to hug them etc. doesn't matter if it was a stripper, gangbanger, dude in a suit, a kid or an old man. I would go crazy like a ******* ping pong ball shot out of a mini cannon going Mach 9. And I can't stop. I cannot stop my brain from doing what it does. I talk for hours incoherently and babble sometimes almost to the point where ppl have told me to literally shut the **** up and or call me weird to
My face and walked away. He pulled me aside and we had a sidebar when my other friends weren't looking. He asked why I acted the way I do. I looked him in the eye and honestly said that was me being calm and somewhat normL and that I don't annoy ppl on purpose. It literally is me and I can't control it. He then told me I probably have a Mild form of autism. I started to lament and started brooding in typical fashion. He asked what was wrong and told him I didn't wanna have autism. He said why? I told him it would be grade school all over again. Ppl would think I was a different and that I was a freak. He said there is nothing wrong with being different. I said thanks and started beaming with pride.

I don't even know if I have ADHD since I've never been diagnosed but I will list plenty of symptoms. I also have a ton of stories some which include Oprah and Tom Morello all not ending well.


Some symptoms are.

Anxiety times a Few hundred thousand . My mind goes a mile a minute. When you smoke weed it amplifies it and I run around and babble. U would think I did consumer a pound of cOke and sugar all together.


Inability to do simple things an forgetfulness
It's almost like I have Alzheimer's and I would know cause I worked in a Nurzing and Rehabilitation center for 5 years.


Depression and then Manic stages
This one is the hardest to explain. I thought I was bipolar for the longest till I read extensively about it and realized I probably have ADHD mixed with crippling anxiety. It does fluctuate by days but sometimes even minutes for something as simple as damn I should have held the door for her. 3 hrs later I am wondering what I did with my life.

Being overly shy or too boisterous
Important **** or certain times like maybe 5% of the time I sit and ignore everybody including my own mother.
The other 95% I've talked peoples ears off.

Night owl and insomnia.
This one is kinda self explanatory. It's 3 am and I have to be up in less than 5 hrs to go to work. Yet I've done this every day for almost 27 years.


Impulsiveness mixed with being weird and awkward

I blurt out stupid ****. I act aggressive and or brave all at the WRONg times. I spend money I don't have and get touchy feely or act overtly sexual and even though I've calmed down I've had people tell me to stop which I always did. I blurt random phrases and repeat them maybe 20- 100 a day for abt a month till I find a new catchphrase. I've been caught talking to myself on multiple occasions. I used to be an extreme hoarder. I get addicted easily and are also very gullible. Try desperately sometimes to fit in even tho like I mentioned previously I feel like only a few ppl have ever understood me parents not included.


The other is laziness.
All of the above gets me tired and I fail to do things. I make excuses or try and plan these huge elaborate projects fail and then end up hating myself again and again. It's a vicious cycle and I for the first time want to
Be normal. I need a structure in my life. I don't wanna change who I am and these manic stages are awesome but it has honestly taken its toll. I ruined 2 long term relationships of combined 8 years. I'm gonna be 30 soon and even though I am not suicidal anymore I feel like I am whithering away and squandering my true potential.

2 main questions are do I suffer from ADHD like my uncle said when I wA 9 or 10 that fateful day?

If I do is it always this bad or serious?

I've mde some of the worst decisions because of these things above and it has
Cost me countless opportunities and jobs. In the END only I can hold myself accountable. I am not looking for an excuse to justify any of my horrible decisions. I really just want a way to fix my life and it starts by fixed my myself and this awesome ****** up brain of mine. I keep spinning in circles on this carasoul. I see the boat drifting away and my life raft is gonna sink. I feel like this maybe my last chance. I had a resolve to never hurt another human being but I don't want that 3rd huge wave of depression to ever come back for fear that I won't know what to do. I wanna cry abt the shambles I have left certain things in but I wanna cry tears of
Joy cause my best frIend the one in Vegas finally gave me the courage to not feel like a weirdo if I labeled myself or was diagnosed with something.
I am not like this 100% of the time. I would say again 95% of the time that switch can't be turned off. Please help anybody. I truly, greatly appreciate it!!! Thanks everyone. Million hugs and kisses! Sorry for the rant this was my short version. =) Lol
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  #2  
Old 02-10-17, 11:38 AM
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Re: Really need Help. You all are my last chance...

No one here can sadly tell you if you've got ADHD or not. There isn't any test online you can take.
Only a proper professional can do that for you.
Have you ever sought one out? A therapist or psychiatrist? Maybe even just your family doctor.

It'd probably be worth your efforts. I will say that if you are ADHD, there are lots of medications out there that can make a huge difference once you find the right one at the right dose...and if you seek out a therapist, you'll also have someone you can talk to which can be a great deal of help.

I do understand your longing for a concrete diagnosis though. I wanted one myself...I'm very glad to have one now.
I always felt so damned broken...so different. And I never knew WTF was wrong with me. None of the diagnoses I'd been given quite fit me...so I felt hopeless there for a long while.
I just wanted answers! I wanted to know what the heck was wrong with me. I wanted to know that I wasn't just a broken piece of ****...that there was some legitimate issues going on that were holding me back.
I wasn't looking for excuses. I was looking for answers to so many of the "Why?"s I'd been struggling with my whole life.
Why am I so slow?
Why do I feel so different?
Why can't I relate to others?
Why am I so dumb?
Why can't I keep up with everyone?
Etc...Etc.
I just wanted answers.
And so do you. And that's completely natural and understandable.

I'd highly recommend looking into seeing someone (a professional) to seek out a proper diagnosis. I really do think it'd do a lot for you.

I also agree with your friend...there's nothing wrong with being different.
It's lovely to have friends who accept you like that. There's a lot of strength in having people like that in your life. People who accept you for you, no matter how different you may be.

I'd also suggest not being completely close minded to the possibility that you may very well have bipolar. It's very VERY common for those with ADHD to have other challenges like Bipolar/depression, anxiety, OCD, Autism/Asperger's & Learning disabilities just to name a few.
I just don't want you to become so obsessed with the idea that you've got ADHD to the point where you overlook other difficulties you may have. Again, no one but a professional can give you a diagnosis for Bipolar...but some of your experiences you've shared sure do sound bipolar to me.

I'm glad you're here! This place can answer SO many questions. I recommend reading...just random posts. You'll like bump into a bunch of topics and people you completely relate with and feel like that person is inside your head describing the exact same experiences that you've gone through...and when that happens, it can be like magic!
To realize you're not alone like you always thought you were...that's there's thousands of us out here who struggle right along with you. Who understand you!

And don't be afraid to ask lots of questions

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Sorry for such a long winded reply. I've probably put you right to sleep! haha
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  #3  
Old 02-10-17, 11:41 AM
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Re: Really need Help. You all are my last chance...

Oh, and P.S.

Great job typing all this up! It can be very scary to open yourself up to the public like you did. Like jumping off a diving board for your first time.

I find that doing stuff like this...sharing your story and being heard and listened to...can be a VERY powerful thing. Can help me feel better, boost my confidence and to become stronger.

So great job opening up here
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Old 02-10-17, 11:50 AM
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Re: Really need Help. You all are my last chance...

Welcome to the forum

Although no one here is qualified to answer whether you have ADHD, it sounds like a good possibility to me. What makes things difficult is that a majority of people with ADHD also have coexisting conditions such as anxiety, depression, bipolar and other issues.

I suffered for years with many similar problems as you described before being diagnosed. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 45. I had searched decades for answers and treatment. Most Dr's. and Specialists only treated my coexisting symptoms and didn't address the root cause. I was prescribed about every conventional anti-depressant and anti anxiety medications and nothing helped.

I finally gave up seeking treatment after so many failed attempts and basically the same types of treatment. Finally, I visited a Dr. who specialized in ADHD. I explained my life history and all the failed treatments I had been through. Her first question was whether I had ever been evaluated for ADHD. I was shocked! That was the first time a Dr. had ever even suggested it.

I finally got evaluated and diagnosed and it changed my life. Like most people and many Dr's. I had no idea that untreated ADHD could manifest so many other issues. I later realized that ADHD was the root cause of the majority of my issues. Treating the root cause was the first time medication actually made a positive difference for me.

I would suggest you consider getting evaluated for ADHD.

Best wishes getting a proper diagnosis and treatment.
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  #5  
Old 02-10-17, 08:59 PM
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Re: Really need Help. You all are my last chance...

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sad to hear all of this going on with you. My top of the hat guess is that you have Bipolar tendencies with some ADHD (to some degree or another) thrown in. Bipolar Disorder is nothing to brush off. If you think you may be BP, I would go see a doctor as soon as possible. It's serious and can cause all kinds of problems for yourself and family and friends around you and the best thing about it is it's treatable. Keep in mind that BP and ADHD can mimic each other -- similar symptoms. You can have both at the same time but since BP trumps ADHD in its importance to your mental health, I would get that possibility checked out first and ADHD later. From what I'm hearing is you are going through manic episodes quite a bit that are disguised as Hyperactivity in ADHD. I'm no doctor, but since I have BP tendencies as well, that's my guess. By the way, aggressiveness, propensity to spend a lot of money when you don't have it, and heightened sexuality are all symptoms.

Also, you're dealing with a lot of "anxiety" and impulsiveness which could also be mania related. Insomnia is another big part of BP. BP usually comes on in the teen years whereas ADHD starts out as a kid's disorder then usually carries forward into adult life. BP, left untreated, only gets worse with time. They say that without treatment, Bipolar 2 usually evolves into BP I.

I suggest you see a doctor soon about possible BP, there are varying levels on the spectrum. Good luck.
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