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  #1  
Old 09-27-05, 09:56 AM
FightingBoredom FightingBoredom is offline
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Do you have have one of those days where....

Do you even have one of those days where you are just tired of making things work and would be ok with a plane falling out of the sky and ending it for you?
I'm not saying down in the dumps want to take my life kind of feeling...I mean...like I've fought long and hard and if some clairvoyant walked up and said, today is your time to go.....I would say, alrighty then and accept it like the knights of yore going into battle and saying "today is a good day to die".

I've been driving down this hilly road of life for a long time. It seems like it is becoming more frequent that my car keeps breaking down on the downhill runs and I barely make it up the next uphill slope and it runs out of gas or just malfunctions and stops going. So, I either gotta get out, open the hood and fix the problem or push it up the hill and hope there is a service station somewhere before the next uphill slope. Problem is that most stations are self service these days...and I'm running out of the energy or tools to fix the darn thing. All too frequently it's just that the darn thing ran out of gas. Sometimes it's because I forgot to "fuel up" on the last ridge when I noticed my tank was running low.
Sometimes it's from too many fuel leaks and it just doesn't get the same mpg that it used to .
(Yeah, this was my attempt at a metaphor!)

So, you ever have one of those days?

What do you do when those days happen about once a month?

I'm taking a business trip to Phoenix next week and part of me is scared it will end up in an airline disaster....and part of me is scared that I would want it to.

Then at least I would know for sure that there was ONE TIME that even though I was doing what I was supposed to be doing that it wasn't MY fault that the outcome sucked for everyone else.
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I realized that
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And I'm sick of giving people advice. They don't listen. They don't really want to deal with their issues. They just want to whine and complain and have someone else listen and tell them everything is going to be OK!


Well, everything is NOT going to be OK unless you learn to handle whatever comes your way.
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Old 09-27-05, 11:13 AM
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Oh ya I hear ya................

You know what I do? I cry, scream and have myself a good old fashion temper tantrum, slam my bedroom door behind me, crawl into bed for short time and then move on best I can

Sometimes I have to slam many doors before I crawl into bed to show my family I'm not in a good mood so no one better be knocking on the my door looking for ride to their friends house
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Old 09-27-05, 11:20 AM
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I used to have them every day when I was taking Wellbutrin. Every trip began with an interesting internal consideration of what could go wrong and that this was probably my last day on earth. And you know what? I was okay with that. I wasn't looking forward to death, but was completely ready for it- expecting it even.

They took me off Wellbutrin. Now I don't think about or expect death hardly at all. So perhaps it's your meds- what are you taking?

Be well,

Craig
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Old 09-27-05, 12:29 PM
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It's the unexpected disasters that make life interesting, for me. I used to feel weighed down by life, now I know everything passes and its OK.

I ride a motorcycle (metaphor): On a motorcycle, if you stand still you soon fall over. Then you got to pick it up where you fell off. And all motorcycles are in some stage of falling over, even if you don't stand still.
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Old 09-27-05, 12:48 PM
krillZ krillZ is offline
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well put....

fightingboredom, that was a very good description of the cycle I go in, which is why I kept getting meds for depression, which really screwed with my head, it's hard to explain the ready to die, and at the same time fele like you're ready to come out swinging. Funny thing is when I feel like that, things are going extremely calm and normal and everybody thinks life is great, not me, I have to intentionally cause problems then just to give myself something to do. It's like when i'm left alone with my thoughts, i'm actually scared, there's things i don't like, what does the song say, that what you fear the most will meet you half way, and I want people to attack me so I can muster strength to stand against them, I don't think I'd be able to stand up to my own thoughts.
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Old 09-27-05, 01:18 PM
FightingBoredom FightingBoredom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craig
I used to have them every day when I was taking Wellbutrin. Every trip began with an interesting internal consideration of what could go wrong and that this was probably my last day on earth. And you know what? I was okay with that. I wasn't looking forward to death, but was completely ready for it- expecting it even.

They took me off Wellbutrin. Now I don't think about or expect death hardly at all. So perhaps it's your meds- what are you taking?

Be well,

Craig
Interestingly enough, I've been taking Wellbutrin since May. This has been a recurring theme in my head that seems to becoming more frequent.

What did you replace the WB with? How did it work?

WB was working great for me the first 3 months. Now I feel like the only benefit from it is that I am better able to articulate my points....but even that is fading away.
__________________
I realized that
we exist in human form
purely to amuse
our "higher" selves.
I just hope I can remember that I came to this realization!



And I'm sick of giving people advice. They don't listen. They don't really want to deal with their issues. They just want to whine and complain and have someone else listen and tell them everything is going to be OK!


Well, everything is NOT going to be OK unless you learn to handle whatever comes your way.
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  #7  
Old 09-27-05, 01:25 PM
FightingBoredom FightingBoredom is offline
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KrillZ,
I know what you mean about creating "chaos" just to feel normal.
My situation right now is that there IS chaos and I don't feel normal. I feel like I would be ok with dying...but I keep coming out swinging and solving all of the stupid little challenges that come up each day. Some of them could have been averted had I remembered to do a thing or to last week. Some of them are just the usual plain old stupid things that life seems to have an endless supply of to dish out at will.

I'm sure having a vacation would help. I'm hoping having a week in training away from my family will give me some time to chill out and regroup my brain. But that is not likely. I'm taking 5 days of training at 8 hours each day while still needing to manage as much as 70% of my normal workload. Just the thought of this does not make me feel good.....but I'll still go to the training...I'll still knock 'em dead and impress the heck out of everyone.....and I'll still get my workload covered on time....but I won't enjoy it.

I feel like Marvin the robot in Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. "I could calculate the odds of you surviving that week....but you won't like it."
__________________
I realized that
we exist in human form
purely to amuse
our "higher" selves.
I just hope I can remember that I came to this realization!



And I'm sick of giving people advice. They don't listen. They don't really want to deal with their issues. They just want to whine and complain and have someone else listen and tell them everything is going to be OK!


Well, everything is NOT going to be OK unless you learn to handle whatever comes your way.
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Old 09-27-05, 02:15 PM
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I sure relate. I understand you Krill -- I've been accused by my family all life of having to create a problem if things were going too good -- my own thoughts and feelings just get so anxious if I don't have something to worry about or struggle with. Because of that I understand what you said Fightingboredom -- just want to turn the brain off for a while and have a rest. I'm not suicidal or anything just so tired that except for the impact it would have on my kids and family, a sudden unexpected death can look like a way to get off this crazy merry-go-round. Now I expect if I was actually facing it, it would be another matter entirely.

On the subject of meds -- I'm on Concerta and it really helped at first. Now not so much and I've started having heart palpitations, anxiety, racing thoughts and sleep problems. I'm not sure what's up. I left off my 2nd dose yesterday and haven't taken my first dose today and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while. (Of course, I haven't accomplished a blessed thing other than pouring my kids Cheerios and parking in front of the video while I took a much needed nap ). Not sure what I need to do. I'll definately talk to my psychologist next week about it.

In any case, I hear you! Take gentle care!
Scattered
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Old 09-27-05, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FightingBoredom
Interestingly enough, I've been taking Wellbutrin since May. This has been a recurring theme in my head that seems to becoming more frequent.

What did you replace the WB with? How did it work?

WB was working great for me the first 3 months. Now I feel like the only benefit from it is that I am better able to articulate my points....but even that is fading away.
The Wellbutrin was replaced by Concerta, which doesn't seem to help quite as much but neither does it seem to cause problems for me. I can't help but wonder if they are just going to keep giving me different things until the right one is found. Oh well, at least they are trying, I am happy about that.

The Wellbutrin did help me be effective and even motivated for a few weeks, but that wore off and then just pleasant thoughts on death and dieing. I was kinda curious if anyone else had the same reaction to it.

Be well,

Craig
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Old 09-28-05, 12:02 AM
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I myself love the term"today is a good day to die."I always have ever since I heard it.I think its because of the "coming to terms" with everything.Knowing everyday is a new and accepting the challenges with it.
It is a hard road to travel and all we can do is make it as best we can day by day.I hear this from my granny too.
It use to bother me and tear me apart until she explained herself.I understand now.

Also,I took WB for about 3 or 4 years and it was wonderful.That is until I started my ADD med.It totally changed course in the opposite direction!I was depressed,fragile and in a dark hole.I imediately stopped it and then it went away.
I understand what you mean in the one sence but I really doubt your 86 like my granny!LOL!!!!!
I betcha anything its the WB.Try not taking it for a while and see what happens.It dosnt have withdrawls like diffrent anti-depressants.
Its definetly worth a shot.
I truly hope you feel better soon FB!!!!
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Old 09-28-05, 01:44 AM
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I'm pretty accepting of death and think of it relatively often. When I was younger my goal was to live a life that was free of regret. I wanted to go to my final rest unburdened - and would have accepted death easily. As I've aged I'm beginning to feel that I've really been looking at life from the wrong part of the compass.

I'm just sort of working this out in my head as I type so apologies if this wanders.

I reckon that dying with no regrets means no mistakes, and no mistakes means you haven't been trying to live hard enough. I think I'm going to take a few more chances. Completely screw up. Get my butt kicked. Try to do completely unrealistic things with no regard to whether I might be successful.

Will I fail? I most certainly will at some if not all of my wild schemes. Will I regret it? Sure will. But that's what I need to do. There's less runway in front of me than behind me. I hope to go to my grave with many regrets, failures and mistakes, but most of all balance.

I guess in the end all I want on my gravestone is "At least he tried."

That's good enough for right now.

FB, I know exactly how you are feeling. It's not just the car running out of gas, you're not even in a car that you want to drive - on a road you don't want to be on!

It sounds like you are tuckered out (woo woo... car pun). When those days happen for me I tell my wife I need time and either I go out and find joy in hunting, fishing or a 200 mile drive to a good taco stand. Sometimes I just take a long *******g nap and tell everyone to just let me sleep. Depends on how tired I am physically vs. how tired I am emotionally and mentally. Heck there are times when I just want to stay home and clean the house to regain a sense of control. Or just sit and draw a bit.

Not sure if this wandering message helps - but best of luck finding what's best for you during those periods. Hope you find that there are tons of thing to do while that pressured feeling passes.

Best,
MB
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Old 10-01-05, 04:48 AM
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I take prozac along with dexidrine here....The prozac was added later. I tend to get frustrated when things dont go smoothy at my shop. Sometimes its outside circumstances. Alot of times just me making my own day.
At times I have felt that me and everyone around me would be further ahead if a meteor landed on me. Its something i would never take action on though. And its nothing I dwell on either...Something that thought only occur a moment or whatever.
I find here that the prozac helps me not get frustrated so quickly and if I do it dont last as long. It tends to smooth out my thought process a bit more too. Like when I work on a project with lots of options Im better at picking out the most sensible ones and moving forward with it.
Also since the thought of hoping a meteor would land on me only occur when Im reallly frustrated, that is better too.

I think everyone pretty well summerize other points too......Thanks for the tip on Wellbutrin.....Just in case the prozac stops working.....i think ill skip that one.

Mark
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