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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 09-12-17, 10:44 AM
Guggenheim 12 Guggenheim 12 is offline
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Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

Hello my lovely people!

I really need some advice on if there's anything I can do to chat to my boyfriend without offending him, and move forward, so we can possibly live together again.
A few months ago my boyfriend told me he thinks he still has ADHD after being diagnosed as a kid, and we both agreed it fit a lot with how he is. To be honest, it's been a shock to me after being together four years - I feel like I'm with a new person, and I feel sad that it's never going to get easier - I always thought he was messy and lacking attention for certain things due to age, job and environment.

I've tried reading up about it a lot, and tried to talk to him about it. He has no interest in medication or counseling. His mum tried all sorts of methods with him as a child and none of it worked, while ritalin made him lose all his friends and he still ended up failing essays due to his dysfunctional family life. He has told me I should take him or leave it - this is how he is, it isn't a condition but his personality. He said if he doesn't make me happy why am I staying with him? He laughed at me for reading a book about it, and told me he was unique - no book will tell me what to do and I should talk to him about it, which I have been trying.

He has limited interest in a good diet and exercise, going for the easiest, tastiest options first, with little routine on when he eats, and it's beginning to show. I know diet and exercise is meant to help, and it's really helped me overcome anxiety and feel good about myself, but if I want to spend time with him, I find it hard to keep it up my healthy endeavours. I'm starting to feel extremely ****** off that it's so difficult for him to do basic things such as brushing his teeth, putting his clothes in a chest of drawers, cooking, turning lights off, showering, and that it's unlikely to change after how our initial chats have gone. I understand that these things can be difficult but in my head I feel these basic self care things could really help other areas in his life - but I don't know if that's just from my own, non ADHD experience. He says he tries to eat healthily and I end up being critical as he's eaten bacon, two pies and fried chicken, which I doubt helps anything in hindsight.

I feel all critical and annoyed that he doesn't seem to want to make any positive changes, and I hate feeling like this! What happened to the fun loving times!?

We have lived together in the past but I'm wondering now if it's ever going to be possible again. When we lived together last time it took everything out of me. We have discussed having separate rooms, as I feel like I need a lot of alone time to make sure I don't lose sight of myself. I am generally feeling terrified still however, as I feel there is no progress and it will end up how it was before, and if that's the case, how can we grow up to have kids and buy a house?!

How have you guys with SO's overcome the problems you can face as a result of ADHD? Is it possible to talk about it without offending one another? He's such a lovely, funny and kind guy, a best friend, but I also am starting to wonder if we have a future without dysfunction and chaos. I really appreciate it if you've managed to read this far and any advice you have. X
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Old 09-12-17, 01:45 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

Sounds like he's bought into the idea that he can't change....

or

he quite likes the way he is, and doesn't want to change.

so the ball is in your court, either you take him as he is, or you walk.

THere are all sorts of ways people push others away, and all sorts of reasons why.... most of them lodged deep in the psyche. They're impossible to budge unless the person involved wants to do the work required.

Once he begins to do the work.... then you can support that.....

you can lead a horse to water....... &c &c &c
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Old 09-12-17, 01:48 PM
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

medication helps a lot......but even without medication without wanting to help himself it is hard ,maybe the best advice i could give is have him talk to a psychologist, thats helps a lot.
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Old 09-13-17, 09:52 AM
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

Sounds like cause of past life experiences, your boyfriend isn't even willing to try to improve.

Without that, he's not going to do any better. Maybe even worse probably cause life stresses such as kids and jobs can make our symptoms worse sometimes.

So you do have to make a choice. Can you put up with him like this or even worse forever and with kids? If not, better to move on now while you aren't tied with kids.

Sorry.
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Old 09-13-17, 10:05 AM
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guggenheim 12 View Post
He's such a lovely, funny and kind guy, a best friend...
Then keep him as that...and just that.

It doesn’t mean you were meant to be lovers, spouses, or to live together.

I mean, how could you be, when he isn’t your partner?

To walk away will hurt, but imagine loving someone such that you wish to see them happy, and in reciprocity, someone loving you such that they wish for your happiness.

Each of you committed and working to see the other happy.

This is possible...now go find it.


Cheers,
Ian
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Old 09-14-17, 02:06 AM
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

Why would you want to live with him if this is how he runs his life?
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Old 09-14-17, 10:50 AM
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Re: Terrified to live with my ADHD spouse again..

If he doesn't want to shower or brush his teeth there may be more going on than ADHD- possibly depression. If he doesn't have depression, and he is more or less willfully unhygienic, I would not even consider living with him let alone marrying him and having kids.

Relationships are hard enough without you needing to ensure that he is doing basic self-care.
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