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Old 08-10-18, 11:01 AM
MommingTooMuch MommingTooMuch is offline
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Anger, alcohol, and momming

I need to vent in a safe place. I am desperately trying to figure out my life and my way forward. This forum has been very helpful for me. It is giving me hope and better perspective. Thank you to all of you who are putting yourself out there. Your stories and advice are so helpful.

Let me start by saying I am madly in love with my adhd husband. He has given me everything that I value most in life and some of the best memories. He is great most of the time. He is hard working, driven, full of energy, passionate, brilliant, and loving. He started suffering from depression about 2 years ago. One of our most recent business ventures failed (this is our third business failure). He turned to alcohol to ease his pain.

My husband has been just recently diagnosed with adhd. My stepdaughter was diagnosed and it became obvious at the same time that he also has it. I am reading all the blogs, books and forum discussions. I have had so many eye opening aha moments. The adhd diagnosis explains everything and has allowed me to feel better. I want to be good for him and empower him to get better. I realize I have to change my behaviors toward him.

I am guilty of many of the typical partner issues. I often feel he doesn't care about me. He says the worst things to me in anger and typically doesn't apologize. One day he says he hates me and wants a divorce. Then the next day he says he didn't mean it and really does love me more than anything. I feel like I live on a yo-yo. When we met I was fun loving and free spirited. Now we have two school age kids and his symptoms have been very disruptive to our lives. I am in full-time mom mode and it is destroying my life. I never get time for myself anymore and have come to resent it. I have lost so much respect for him. He is often angry and has outbursts. Sadly, we are going to be claiming bankruptcy this year.

We are just getting through another big fight. I didn't want to nag him. I guess he interpreted my conversation as nagging because it led to another blow up argument with me being called every terrible name he could think of and telling me he hates me. I break down, crying, scared, and trying to calm him down and stop hating on me. I desperately try to hold my marriage together. Two weeks ago he promised to go see the doctor to get some new adhd meds. I reminded him and suppose i nagged about it not having been done yet and that it was hurting me. I don't know how to talk about things without upsetting him. If I don't bring it up he will not do it. Often he won't take action until I have nagged him enough. Occasionally he even thanks me for nagging him and admits that it does get him to do the things he has no motivation to do.

It has gotten to the point that I don't know how to bring up anything without potentially angering him. How do I do it? It has become second nature to remind him.

My adhd partner has developed a significant alcohol abuse problem. He has been hiding his drinking, often gets angry and has outbursts when he drinks, lies about drinking, and lost his license due to 2 dui in the last year. Now I am responsible for all of the driving in our family (including all of his alcohol classes). We live about an hour from any town so this extra driving has created a lot of work for me that I did not have space for. His choice to abuse alcohol has crushed me. On New Years, I had to go to the ER for a medical emergency and I came home to him drunk. We argued, I was so hurt and angry. His anger got out of control and the kids and I had to leave. Sadly, the kids have witnessed a lot of fighting between us the last 2 years.

He says he wants to get better and not feel all of this pain. He bravely agreed to try meds for his adhd. His doctor tried him on Wellbutrin. It seemed to work at first. But then he started drinking. He became paranoid, manic, couldn't sleep and said he couldn't get his brain to shut up. He asked me to leave and give him space for a few days. The kids and I spent 5 days with family while he drank the whole time. Eventually his parents intervened and were able to get him sobered up. And yes, he was illegally driving to get alcohol again and ran up a tab with the bar in a neighboring town. I had to call around to discover this. I had to send the sheriff's out to check on him as he was threatening suicide. He became very self destructive and I feared for my safety. His hate for me over those days was consuming him. His doctor ordered him to stop the meds and sober up. The doctor said he was having a negative reaction to the meds. He cleaned up and begged us to return home. He was so crushed by his actions/words. He swears he loves me and that he only says hurtful things to me because he is hurting. I was so proud of him for his willingness to take the wellbutrin and try to work on his adhd. I am sad this happened to him. I wonder if it would have worked if he hadn't added the alcohol.

So, I get that I have to stop momming him on this stuff. He has been sober for 2 weeks. How do I stop? I am so terrified. If he gets one more dui it will be jail for quite a while and the kids will suffer. So much of what I do is to protect the kids from his actions/choices. Right now he is working with a friend for 5 days. I just assume he is going to drink and break all of his promises.

He is always genuinely sorry and promises not to repeat the behavior. Sadly, most times that I leave the home to go anywhere for more than a few hours he drinks again. If I am not by his side he drinks. I have become hostage to him. I feel like I am stuck. Yes, I have thought about leaving him. Lately I think about it everyday. I don't want to give up on him. I want to be there to help him and get him on proper meds and into counseling so he can be the wonderful father and husband he can be. He wants to get better. I love him so much. The kids love him so much.

I apologize for being scatter brained and all over the place in my post. It is hard for me to focus. My stress is out of control. I feel like I am riding a roller coaster.
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Old 08-10-18, 01:36 PM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

A roller-coaster is exactly how Gina Pera describes it in her book "Is It You, Me,
Or Adult ADHD?" It's written for the partner of someone with ADHD.

My ex didn't have ADHD (I do) but it often felt like I was yo-yo. First he was
saying what a great cook I was, then it was complaining about my being
forgetful or not interested in sex. Yo-yo or roller coaster, feels about the same.

If SarahSweets doesn't see and respond to this in a few days, send her a PM
and ask for her input. She and her hubby both have ADHD and she's a recover-
ing alcoholic.
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Old 08-10-18, 03:15 PM
MommingTooMuch MommingTooMuch is offline
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

Lunacie, thank you for your response. I am reading that book right now and what a great resource it is. The roller coaster is real. I am planning to read the adhd marriage book next.
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Old 08-10-18, 05:19 PM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

When I read your first paragraph I was so touched and I thought what a caring, wonderful and understanding person you are. Then I read the rest and thought that maybe you are too understanding.

It seems like you walking all the time on eggshells. ADHD or not I don't think anyone should have to live with this kind of stress.

Being Uber loving and attentive on one day and denigrating you on the next raises huge warning bells for me. I'm not sure if your husband's issues will be solved with just ADHD meds. He definitely needs help for his alcohol problems and maybe for his anger issues. Have either of you has any counselling, maybe even couples' counselling?
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Old 08-10-18, 07:53 PM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

Fuzzy12 you are correct. It is my personality to be too forgiving and over-loving. I am not good at cutting people off or saying no. We are building the alcohol issues into our plan. I have told my adhd husband that there can be no more alcohol in our home. We are also making plans to go to couples counseling and I am hoping he is willing to do some anger management. Thank you for your honesty. I have been accused my whole life of being walked on. I am hoping to grow more courage and strength as I work through this part of my life.
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Old 08-11-18, 07:06 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

The process of helping someone else with ADHD (or other issues) needs considerable self-awareness.

This means the non-ADDer potentially needs their own personal therapy in order to draw appropriate boundaries and understand their own part in the process.

One thing that is useful in these situations is an understanding of the "Drama Triangle" devised by Karpman a while ago. It is a metaphor that places the participants in one of three places, the rescuer, the victim and the persecutor. People move around these positions, depending on circumstance. It is very common for relationships involving ADHD to be easily mapped onto the Drama Triangle.

That is the problematical behaviour.... the question is how to shift off this. The "Winners Triangle" is the healthy side of the Drama Triangle. In this the process is to shift from "rescuing" to "caring", the difference is how the "caring" person put appropriate boundaries in place, asks the "victim" to acknowledge their vunlerability and ask for help.... and follow through. THe "caring" person also knows that sometimes caring too much hinders either recovery, or causes damage to themselves.

This kind of stuff is why finding a good therapist can be a help.
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Old 08-11-18, 09:50 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

kilted_scotsman Thank you for your helpful reply. I will research more on the drama triangle and my place in the ongoing fights. Excellent perspective.
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Old 08-13-18, 06:37 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

Hey Momming I was away so I am just now seeing this..and I will do my best not to overwhelm you but I am passionate about the things you have shared. Lunacie is right to tell you to pm me if you want.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MommingTooMuch View Post

My husband has been just recently diagnosed with adhd. My stepdaughter was diagnosed and it became obvious at the same time that he also has it. I am reading all the blogs, books and forum discussions. I have had so many eye opening aha moments. The adhd diagnosis explains everything and has allowed me to feel better. I want to be good for him and empower him to get better. I realize I have to change my behaviors toward him.
So you are doing all the footwork and he is just drinking?
Quote:
I am guilty of many of the typical partner issues. I often feel he doesn't care about me. He says the worst things to me in anger and typically doesn't apologize. One day he says he hates me and wants a divorce. Then the next day he says he didn't mean it and really does love me more than anything. I feel like I live on a yo-yo. When we met I was fun loving and free spirited. Now we have two school age kids and his symptoms have been very disruptive to our lives. I am in full-time mom mode and it is destroying my life. I never get time for myself anymore and have come to resent it. I have lost so much respect for him. He is often angry and has outbursts. Sadly, we are going to be claiming bankruptcy this year.
I wouldnt say you are guilty of anything. Only that you are human.

Quote:
We are just getting through another big fight. I didn't want to nag him. I guess he interpreted my conversation as nagging because it led to another blow up argument with me being called every terrible name he could think of and telling me he hates me. I break down, crying, scared, and trying to calm him down and stop hating on me. I desperately try to hold my marriage together. Two weeks ago he promised to go see the doctor to get some new adhd meds. I reminded him and suppose i nagged about it not having been done yet and that it was hurting me. I don't know how to talk about things without upsetting him. If I don't bring it up he will not do it. Often he won't take action until I have nagged him enough. Occasionally he even thanks me for nagging him and admits that it does get him to do the things he has no motivation to do.
With his history of drinking in no way do I think he is responsible enough to handle stimulant meds, or safe enough- yet.

Quote:
My adhd partner has developed a significant alcohol abuse problem. He has been hiding his drinking, often gets angry and has outbursts when he drinks, lies about drinking, and lost his license due to 2 dui in the last year. Now I am responsible for all of the driving in our family (including all of his alcohol classes). We live about an hour from any town so this extra driving has created a lot of work for me that I did not have space for. His choice to abuse alcohol has crushed me. On New Years, I had to go to the ER for a medical emergency and I came home to him drunk. We argued, I was so hurt and angry. His anger got out of control and the kids and I had to leave. Sadly, the kids have witnessed a lot of fighting between us the last 2 years.
I am an alcoholic. And while the principles I live by typically do not encourage me to label other people...this is the biggest case of alcoholism I have seen around her in awhile. He is one IMO. Part of the issue is the fact that he is immune to consequences of his alcoholism.
He has said awful things and still drinks. He gets violent or at least combative and scares his kids- and still drinks. 2 DUI's and he gets rides from you and still drank. He hasnt hit any sort of bottom because he has other's in his life who keep him from hitting it. Did he get arrested for the DUI's? Did you have to go get him or bail him out? Did you have to sign something that promised he would be in your care? The damage he is doing to your kids is something that you cant measure now but as they grow you will see what damage he has done by how they develop and act. How old are they? Does he really want to get sober or does he just want to avoid consequences with you? You have to want to stop for yourself. Consequences help bring this to light but by not having any he has no reason to change.


Quote:
He says he wants to get better and not feel all of this pain. He bravely agreed to try meds for his adhd. His doctor tried him on Wellbutrin. It seemed to work at first. But then he started drinking. He became paranoid, manic, couldn't sleep and said he couldn't get his brain to shut up. He asked me to leave and give him space for a few days. The kids and I spent 5 days with family while he drank the whole time. Eventually his parents intervened and were able to get him sobered up. And yes, he was illegally driving to get alcohol again and ran up a tab with the bar in a neighboring town. I had to call around to discover this. I had to send the sheriff's out to check on him as he was threatening suicide. He became very self destructive and I feared for my safety. His hate for me over those days was consuming him. His doctor ordered him to stop the meds and sober up. The doctor said he was having a negative reaction to the meds. He cleaned up and begged us to return home. He was so crushed by his actions/words. He swears he loves me and that he only says hurtful things to me because he is hurting. I was so proud of him for his willingness to take the wellbutrin and try to work on his adhd. I am sad this happened to him. I wonder if it would have worked if he hadn't added the alcohol.
This was not brave of him. He didnt bravely agree to take meds. He wanted to try anything but the hardest thing to make you satisfied. How did his parents help sober him up? Was he good at hiding the drinking?

Quote:
So, I get that I have to stop momming him on this stuff. He has been sober for 2 weeks. How do I stop? I am so terrified. If he gets one more dui it will be jail for quite a while and the kids will suffer. So much of what I do is to protect the kids from his actions/choices. Right now he is working with a friend for 5 days. I just assume he is going to drink and break all of his promises.
If he gets another dui then I hope he gets jailed. Would you want another woman's husband driving around drunk with your kids on the road? I wouldnt.
He needs rehab. It doesnt matter if he has no alcohol in his system or not. He needs to learn how to live life sober and having his parents or friends show him how isnt going to do the trick. And he will probably drink again which is why you need to tell him if he drinks again he needs to go away and live with his parents. TRUST me the damage he is doing to your kids means you have to protect them. Pretend it is your sister that is drinking and acting like this. Would you let her around your kids. Look up the thread "miserable alcoholic death" in addictions and read about all the people I have known in the last year who have died from alcoholism. There is no playing games with it.

Quote:
He is always genuinely sorry and promises not to repeat the behavior. Sadly, most times that I leave the home to go anywhere for more than a few hours he drinks again. If I am not by his side he drinks. I have become hostage to him. I feel like I am stuck. Yes, I have thought about leaving him. Lately I think about it everyday. I don't want to give up on him. I want to be there to help him and get him on proper meds and into counseling so he can be the wonderful father and husband he can be. He wants to get better. I love him so much. The kids love him so much.
Every family with an active alcoholic has an enabler in the family. Right now that is you and his parents. He gets to f**k up and still live in your house. YOU are not responsible for his sobriety. How can you be? You are responsible for your kids because they have no father right now. You cant babysit him into sobriety. You have to stop this cycle now.

I am not going to even address the adhd. There is no point. He is a sick person who doesnt want to care for himself..who knows if its even adhd? The alcohol clouds everything else you cant tell. I used a 12 step program to get sober. If he drinks again (and he will) he at least needs medical detox or he will have seizures. You can come off heroin and not die you cant abruptly stop drinking without risking your life because it will kill you.
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Old 08-13-18, 07:48 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

Sarah's post is excellent and backs up how a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis (TA) would view the situation. In fact there is a subconscious interaction TA calls a "game" that is called "Alcoholic". You can find a simplified and brief outline here http://www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/alcoholic/
Read the very last paragraph.
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Old 08-14-18, 10:19 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

@sarahsweets Thank you so much. I have been feeling everything you are saying. In my gut I know you are right. My enabling has let down my kids. I will direct him toward some treatment and continue to have a zero alcohol home. He is currently 3 weeks sober. It feels like he is just waiting for an opportunity to drink. It seems like a good time for him to join AA and get outside help. Thank you again for your honest advice.
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Old 08-16-18, 11:02 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

To be honest if you aren’t with him all the time how do u know he isn’t still drinking when you are gone, just in smaller amounts? He may need inpatient rehab...
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Old 08-17-18, 04:41 PM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

My last relationship was with a drinker (I do highly suspect he was ADHD and told him so repeatedly). At first it was great. We would go out and have some drinks at a bar. Happy times.

Except he started drinking when we were NOT out at bars. And then on weeknights. And then every night.

And then missing work from being hungover.

And the anger started getting out of control. Being bipolar this made me more out of control and apparently gave him more reason to drink and more reason to be angry. I was severely suicidal after everything picked up speed.

I tried to get him to see someone. I even went with him. Drinking problem? He certainty didn't have one, he said. I'm like you have a family history of drinking problems. Oh no he didn't. Except his dad hush hushed to me that he was an alcoholic. So that didn't work.

I told him if I found him drunk again I'd leave him. When I got back home from work? Found him wasted laying on the basement floor. Yeah, I didn't leave and he didn't stop.

There was the hole in the wall from him kicking it (which was my fault, btw). Then there was the hole 3 inches from my head in the wall made by his fist I had to fix, because again it was my fault he did it. Then there was the time I almost went through the wall when he grabbed me by the throat, lifted me off my feet, and slammed me against a wall. I started to black out before he finally let me go and I collapsed gasping for breath. I was in the relationship for 6 more years. 6 YEARS. He's still drinking to my knowledge.

My sons father was also an abuser of a different type. Do NOT stay together for the kids. The best thing I've probably ever done for my son is ditch his deadbeat, abusive ***, father.

At this point I only accept applications of people who have their sh- together already. I have worked through my sh- and I'm not into going into someone else's sh- at my age.

It basically comes down to how much sh- you want to take. You can go to therapy and AA meeting and such as you are. You could split up temporarily (my friend is at that stage now) until people have their heads on better. Or you could leave.

Personally, as someone said, I would NOT allow that around my child. Completely unacceptable. So I wouldn't take option A, myself. He is a grown a-- man and you should worry first and foremost about you and your children. Not him. Also where your head is right now isn't a great place to be either. And that is something you should consider. What it is doing to you.

Don't repeat my 8 year mistake.
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Old 08-18-18, 10:21 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

@LyrinMeow Thank you for your honesty and advice. You give voice to many of my fears about my future. He is seeing a doctor this week and has been sober a couple weeks now. I am crossing all these bridges in my mind and will leave if he doens't make these changes. You describe exactly what I feel. Thank you!
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Old 08-18-18, 12:29 PM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

If he's showing any signs that he become physically abusive, leave him right away. Cause otherwise, the first time he actually assaults you may kill you.
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Old 09-03-18, 11:48 AM
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Re: Anger, alcohol, and momming

With the help of family and friends, we hosted an intervention for my husband this weekend. It went well. He had already announced a day earlier that he knew he needed to stop drinking. He has agreed to see a doctor tomorrow for medical help. I am cautiously optimistic. The intervention was difficult but very helpful to the family. We supported each other and expressed so many hidden fears and feelings.

We have agree once the alcohol abuse is under control we will look at the add. With the family discussions over the weekend I was informed that husband was put on Ritalin as a child. It calmed him down and helped in school. Nobody knows why his parents discontinued the meds. There was never a diagnosis to accompany the meds. This was the early 80s. I wonder how different his life would be now if he had remained on proper meds through his teens and twenties. I am so glad we have discovered this for him. He expresses feeling that his whole life he has failed at everything. He is always so enthusiastic for his new ideas. Typically he does not follow thru on his many ideas but when he does they always fail eventually. What I see is that he eventually loses interest and moves on to new ideas and lets the old ones fail. This has led us into financial distress as we are self employed farmer/ranchers.

I am so hopeful to continue this journey with better knowledge of his diagnosis and sobriety. I will be watching him carefully for relapse. In the meantime, I am closing bank accounts and opening one with just my name. I have removed all guns from the home, packed an emergency bag for me and the kiddos, and taken all keys from vehicles except mine. My vehicle has a breathalizer and can only be driven sober.

I think this is the best I can do right now. I have given him the ultimatum that I will leave if he does not stay sober. I am prepared to do so at a moments notice. I do hope it never has to happen.

Thank you everyone for your care and concern. I will update again.
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