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Old 09-03-04, 12:34 PM
Dsherman Dsherman is offline

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Help, why don't I feel good for what I have done - adult ADD

Since being diagnosed with ADD an been on meds for a few weeks now I have been trying to reconnedt with old family members that I haven't seen in years. I wanted to get a better understanding of myself. Anyway, I called my aunt who I haven't seen in 8 years. My mother always speaks bad of her, and she isn't a bad person. My mom thinks I am nuts too and ADD dosn't exist to her, but thats another story. Anyway there have been some other thinbgs that has been bothering me since the baby was born just over a year ago. Do you know When the baby was born my mother had to go down to my sisters fiance daughters graduation party instead of comming to see her new and at the time only grandaughter. I was floored but since I try and avoid confrentation at all costs I don't say anything, there has been lost of other things since then, I feel that she dosn't want us around. She spends no time with my daughter. So the other night I called her for her birthday and we got into an argument. First time in my life I finially stood up for myself. I always let people push me around and put words in my head. So finially I said something and my mother goes off on me. screaming I'm not the bad person, etc etc. I told her what I was doing and that i called aunt, and she nearly had a heart attack. She kept saying you don't believe me anymore, and stuff, she just went on and on. I started to shake and got off the phone. so I called her yesterday and she sounds like she is in a depression(finially starting to understand myself and I nearly verbally kill my mother, ugh soo dam confsed) , she didn't talk to me more then 2 minutes, like a rush job off the phone. So I sent her an e-mail with everything that has been bothering me. I called her today and left her a message that I sent her an e-mail and to check it. I have been so hyperfocused on the problems with my family I feel like someone is going to come through the door and shoot me and say "your not to do that to your mother". I get paranoid shakes, Like I am going to loose my entire family, I feel I am no good to anybody and should just crawl into a hole , or find a secluded dark cave and move in for the rest of my life, I feel like I am a trouble maker. Ugh, I know I should feel good for letting her know and not sweep it under the carpet and forget it like I used to do just to smooth things over, Someone tell me why I feel so bad! why do I feel like a little speck of dirt that nobody cares about right now. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Soem words of encouragement may help... please help...
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Old 09-03-04, 12:56 PM
paulbf paulbf is offline
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Well it's a good thing that you are dealing with what you want to and not avoiding confrontations & it's natural that would be really scary... you can expect it to improve each time around. It's possible your mother will never accept some things and continued confrontations might not be productive but hey, I don't know any way to break through other than what you've done & see how it goes. I have known folks who simply have to give up on their parents & stop fighting but yeah, you got to try saying what you feel to get through this so I think you've done the best you can & it's no surprise it was difficult.
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Old 09-03-04, 01:02 PM
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gabriela gabriela is offline
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these things are *tough*!

i've been on anti-depressants (efexor for the last year or so) for years.

i was diagnosed (shortly before my 34th birthday) with adhd, add and asperger syndrome two years and eight months ago, but it's not until now that i've sort of "landed" in the diagnoses - i'm *finally* beginning to "accept" the fact that all those years that my mom and then my mom and me spent trying to get *"someone"* to understand/realise that there's something "different" about me; that i'm not like "everyone else"...
(i don't want to use the word "wrong", because i actually *like* myself the way i am - at least *most* of the time!;-)

my mom's had a rough time since i was diagnosed - i guess she feels kinda like i do: it's both "wonderful" *and* "awful" that i've been diagnosed with these neuropsychiatric disorders/conditions...

maybe she's also feeling that, since i'm now *finally* beginning to "grow up" (thanks to a *wonderful* doctor, amazing friends, and the right help - i'm getting a pda, a whiteboard, some sort of "digital memory" - so i can record what's being said at meetings and other appointments i go to - and, since the end of march i'm on concerta), her *"job"* (i e looking out/clearing the way for me) is *over*, and where does that leave *her*???

i've tried talking to my mom about my diagnoses, but somehow doesn't want to know - it's almost as she's taking my "neuropsychiatric rantings" as my excuse for not changing...

she was *very* opposed to my starting taking concerta, and it finally got to the point that i had to (momentarily?) "cut her off" from my life, because she's been such an important person in my life, so i'm very influenced by what she thinks and feels...

i somehow *had* to put our relationship "on hold" to be able to start taking concerta...

i haven't seen or spoken to my mom since mid-march (she lives about an hour or so from where i live, but i used to go see her about once a month), and it's been a *hard* almost six months...

i often wish she could see me as i am now - the concerta has really *changed* my life - i think she would quite like the "me" i am now!

(i'm still the same person i was before concerta, of course, but i feel that concerta helps me to be *"more"* "me" - just not so stressed out and hyper all the time)...

the best thing i can do right now, though, is to continue to grow as a human being, and i have to have faith that things will work out in the end...

dsherman: hang in there, and keep growing into *you*!



"come to the edge,' he said. they said: 'we are afraid.' 'come to the edge.' they came. he pushed them...and they flew."

"what do we know but that we face one another in this place?"

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Old 09-04-04, 02:09 AM
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Piupau Piupau is offline
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My mom also freaked out when I got my ts+adhd dx a year ago. I'm 27 yo now. I think she had a panic moment when she found out. We have never been able to talk mother-daughter talk. We never understand each other, what the other once is saying. If I want my mom to know something I tell my sister and she tells he, because she doesn't listen to me. She became very strange and couldn't talk to me for three months after my dx, she just stared at me and started crying (When I wasn't there!) My sister has told me. I think she feels guilty because SHE didn't notice anything strange about me when I was a kid, according to her I WAS more hyper, not like all the other girls, a stubborn kid that fought back, violent, angry and so on... but not out of the norm.

I know what you're talking about, I felt the same thing about my mom. I grew up - she looses some control over me. I found out many things weren't as she has been telling me - she looses even more control, I get my dx and finally her walls break down completely. Everything she's been telling us kids isn't what it is today, it isn't the truth anymore. I knew I had adhd before my dx and I told her, and she just lauged and said "No, you don't." Denial is what she's suffering from.

You are growing into being yourself, like Gabriela said. That's why you're biting back, you know who YOU are now but your mom isn't used to it, I can see her panic when she's lost all control. I've grown into myself, I feel comfortable with myself with my ts and adhd. That's me. I still wait for my mom to find the right path to her new self, to find her self and who she is. I too have a kid, but she never babysits or anything. I KNOW my son is very active and wants attention all the time. She never says "No, I don't want to", she always says "No. I have to..... " and comes up with almost anything to get away from babysitting. My son is 3 yo and she's been babysitting ONCE. We live just 30 minutes away from each other. He is her first grandchild.

*hugs* to you Dsherman, keep contact with your other relatives and make your own opinion on them, getting a dx as an adult is very hard for your parents too but don't let that stop you from being yourself! Hug your husband and child more, they love you more than anyone else in the world! Btw, you CAN live without your parents, I don't have contact with my father at all, we've talked about 4 times and seen each other 4 times (family gatherings) in 11 years, but I visit his mom pretty often and talk a lot with her about anything
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Old 09-04-04, 12:52 PM
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RmCL RmCL is offline

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I had a confrontation with my Mom a few years ago similar to yours. After a few weeks my Mom calls back and apologizes. I was floored! We have moved on since. She doesn't want to cause any rift between us two. It had to do with religion. When I was 19, I changed religions and it has been a sore subject for a while. We finally came to a head on it and got our feelings out. We are better since. We just don't talk about it.

I think your mom is giving you the "guilts". Some mom's are really good at that. I know how you feel being sensitive and all. I have a hard time standing up for myself too. I let it build and build and a few years later I finally get the courage to say something about it.
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