ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Adults with ADD > General ADD Talk
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-07-09, 08:54 AM
ethocd ethocd is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
ethocd is on a distinguished road
Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Anyone here has a tendency to make promises that they cant fullfill? where can i find information regarding overcommittment and ADD. I just want to know if more people have this symptom. It will kind of help me deal with mine. And why do people with ADD make so many promises?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ethocd For This Useful Post:
Crazygirl79 (09-07-09), eminorsoul (09-08-09)
  #2  
Old 09-07-09, 09:11 AM
2Springers_Matt's Avatar
2Springers_Matt 2Springers_Matt is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Philly Burbs, Pa
Posts: 160
Thanks: 37
Thanked 85 Times in 46 Posts
2Springers_Matt is on a distinguished road
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Yes. It was one of the first things my therapist and I tackled. I was constantly saying yes. I wanted to make everyone happy, no matter what it did to me. I would over-extend myself to the point I started having major anxiety about not being able to help/finish. It was terrible.
I had to really work to say no. It was hard. I now have set limits on myself, and I make sure I am taking care of me and my family first.
__________________
__________
Matt
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to 2Springers_Matt For This Useful Post:
JollyBadger (09-07-09), Turbochica (09-07-09)
  #3  
Old 09-07-09, 10:14 AM
novagal's Avatar
novagal novagal is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: out west
Posts: 4,299
Thanks: 5,495
Thanked 4,969 Times in 2,474 Posts
novagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant futurenovagal has a brilliant future
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

The story of my life! As adhders we typically have difficulty with time management and accurately estimating time to complete a task or project and being able to prioritize. There's also the impulsivity which makes it so easy to say "sure!" when anyone asks us to do something or asks for volunteers.

Like 2Springers_Matt, it was one of the first things I dealt with in counseling. I had an assignment - for two weeks I was to say "no" any chance I got, and anytime I thought of the word I was to say it out loud. When someone would ask me something, even if my answer was truly a yes, I needed to say "no". Then I could change it to a yes. OUCH! It sounds simple, but I was almost in tears the first few days over it.

My next two week assignment was to say the word "mine" every chance I got. Now this was the real eye-opener because it was suddenly so clear that I had no boundaries. I actually had a difficult time speaking the word, it started out like a whisper, it was almost harder than saying "no". At the end of these four weeks, these two words were the coolest things in the world. I loved them.

What I'll do now if I'm not sure of what I want, or I'm not certain I can follow through on a commitment is say "Let me get back to you on that". It gives me some time to look at things and see first if I do have the time to commit, and most importantly if it's something I want to commit to. Over time I've gotten pretty clear on being able to make solid commitments one way or the other, but on occasion I do change my mind. I've found it's much easier to change my "no" to a "yes, than the other way around.
__________________
...
Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?
Of course not. Don't be silly.
Even if I didn't use it in the house?
...
- Bill Waterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to novagal For This Useful Post:
Turbochica (09-07-09)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 09-07-09, 10:35 AM
sarek's Avatar
sarek sarek is offline
Moderator of mind and heart
 

Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New Hobbiton, NH, the Netherlands
Posts: 12,006
Thanks: 8,717
Thanked 21,273 Times in 8,603 Posts
sarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond reputesarek has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Now that you mention it!
I have this ugly tendency to say yes or at least 'I'll look into it' whenever someone shows up with a problem. Only to find out I really cant spare the time.

So I am learning to say no. That is not easy. Especially to people who never heard that from me before.
__________________
May you be blessed.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-07-09, 11:01 AM
stef's Avatar
stef stef is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: west of Paris
Posts: 18,467
Thanks: 37,728
Thanked 27,267 Times in 13,229 Posts
stef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond reputestef has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

ha just as I read this taking a break before I agreed to help someone with something due, today, that I only have time to start now!
this must stop, if anyone has any suggestions...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to stef For This Useful Post:
Turbochica (09-07-09)
  #6  
Old 09-07-09, 02:37 PM
ethocd ethocd is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
ethocd is on a distinguished road
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

what is the cause?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ethocd For This Useful Post:
Turbochica (09-07-09)
  #7  
Old 09-07-09, 02:53 PM
Turbochica's Avatar
Turbochica Turbochica is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,086
Blog Entries: 187
Thanks: 4,198
Thanked 3,558 Times in 2,136 Posts
Turbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond reputeTurbochica has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Nova great post. I have had similar experiences with trying to say no.
Yes I have gone to the "I will think about it and get back to you " comment.

My counterbalance and sanity check is my dear Husband who is very good
at time management and accurately estimating time. If I am in doubt that
my no or yes is right, I can always double check with him.



Quote:
Originally Posted by novagal View Post
The story of my life! As adhders we typically have difficulty with time management and accurately estimating time to complete a task or project and being able to prioritize. There's also the impulsivity which makes it so easy to say "sure!" when anyone asks us to do something or asks for volunteers.

Like 2Springers_Matt, it was one of the first things I dealt with in counseling. I had an assignment - for two weeks I was to say "no" any chance I got, and anytime I thought of the word I was to say it out loud. When someone would ask me something, even if my answer was truly a yes, I needed to say "no". Then I could change it to a yes. OUCH! It sounds simple, but I was almost in tears the first few days over it.

My next two week assignment was to say the word "mine" every chance I got. Now this was the real eye-opener because it was suddenly so clear that I had no boundaries. I actually had a difficult time speaking the word, it started out like a whisper, it was almost harder than saying "no". At the end of these four weeks, these two words were the coolest things in the world. I loved them.

What I'll do now if I'm not sure of what I want, or I'm not certain I can follow through on a commitment is say "Let me get back to you on that". It gives me some time to look at things and see first if I do have the time to commit, and most importantly if it's something I want to commit to. Over time I've gotten pretty clear on being able to make solid commitments one way or the other, but on occasion I do change my mind. I've found it's much easier to change my "no" to a "yes, than the other way around.
__________________
It is not the brains that matter most, but that which guides them, character, the heart, generous qualities, progressive ideas.


Fyodor Dostoevsky



Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-07-09, 02:57 PM
mdrider mdrider is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
Thanks: 3
Thanked 5 Times in 5 Posts
mdrider is on a distinguished road
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

I have definitely struggled with this my whole life (I'm 41); over the last 10 years I have been getting better about saying no. At first I felt guilty, but then I realized most of the time by saying no I was doing that person a favor, because it saved them from the disappointment of me not doing the thing I committed to. And saved me from resenting them (for asking) and myself (for accepting).

One strategy I use a lot is not to commit, but to offer an alternative. If someone needs X and asks me, I'll say no, but refer them to someone who can or I suggest an alternative idea/way of accomplishing what they want. That way I'm helping, but I'm not committing myself to doing X.

I don't know if people w/ADD make more promises than non-ADD people; I think our fulfillment percentage is lower.

I repeat the following to myself often: 'No' is not a four-letter word.



Quote:
Originally Posted by ethocd View Post
Anyone here has a tendency to make promises that they cant fullfill? where can i find information regarding overcommittment and ADD. I just want to know if more people have this symptom. It will kind of help me deal with mine. And why do people with ADD make so many promises?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-07-09, 03:13 PM
CptNemo's Avatar
CptNemo CptNemo is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Bay Area USA
Posts: 517
Thanks: 338
Thanked 245 Times in 148 Posts
CptNemo is just really niceCptNemo is just really niceCptNemo is just really niceCptNemo is just really nice
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

This thread hits one of my many turmoils.
I find that I will spend as much time as I can helping other people.
I can't help myself but I always(until my recent self-imposed rebellion) can help someone else.
My phone never rings with someone asking if they can help me.
The iroy is that helping others is the only 'reward' I get,but then I become frustrated cuz I *always* help others,and they *never* help me.
Logic tells me that this can't really be true,but I just don't see it.
Are my expectations too high? I have pretty much alienated all my 'friends' cuz they really don't seem to have the same definition of 'friends' that I do.
Its like I'm doing it(life) wrong
__________________
CptNemo
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-07-09, 08:08 PM
JollyBadger's Avatar
JollyBadger JollyBadger is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 655
Thanks: 612
Thanked 615 Times in 291 Posts
JollyBadger is a name known to allJollyBadger is a name known to allJollyBadger is a name known to allJollyBadger is a name known to allJollyBadger is a name known to allJollyBadger is a name known to all
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Quote:
Originally Posted by novagal View Post
My next two week assignment was to say the word "mine" every chance I got.
When I read this, I immediately thought of the seagulls in Finding Nemo.

"Mine-mine-mine-mine!"

I definitely over-commit, or promise/volunteer to do something and then completely forget to do it.

It's hard for me to say "no," because I like doing things to help other people. However, that can quickly turn into a situation where I end up feeling unappreciated or taken for granted, and I burn out and stop volunteering altogether.

Other times, it's something as simple as telling my boyfriend I'll look something up for him on the internet (he doesn't have access from home), but then I completely forget to do it because I get sidetracked.

Imagine that.
__________________
Jolly Badger

Regardless of what other people say,
my tendency to overreact
and lose all perspective makes me a
theatrically interesting person.


Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 09-07-09, 09:29 PM
Keep0nkeepn0n Keep0nkeepn0n is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 42
Thanks: 33
Thanked 18 Times in 11 Posts
Keep0nkeepn0n is on a distinguished road
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

This is a major problem of mine. Mainly my problem revolves around social engagements I say 'yes' far too often and find myself constantly backing out at the last minute which drives people nuts, and rightly so. That said I too have employed the 'I'll get back to you approach' and occasionally a no. Some people don't like it but that's their problem.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CptNemo View Post
This thread hits one of my many turmoils.
I find that I will spend as much time as I can helping other people.
I can't help myself but I always(until my recent self-imposed rebellion) can help someone else.
My phone never rings with someone asking if they can help me.
The iroy is that helping others is the only 'reward' I get,but then I become frustrated cuz I *always* help others,and they *never* help me.
Logic tells me that this can't really be true,but I just don't see it.
Are my expectations too high? I have pretty much alienated all my 'friends' cuz they really don't seem to have the same definition of 'friends' that I do.
Its like I'm doing it(life) wrong
This rings true on this end as well. I stick my neck out for people quite often ie through help, emotional support, helping others achieve their goals what have you, which I never actually realized till it was brought to my attention. Conversely, when it comes to 'me' I can't ever seem to help myself. Gotta love it.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-07-09, 09:46 PM
DCadult-Inatt DCadult-Inatt is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: PST
Posts: 86
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 65
Thanked 21 Times in 15 Posts
DCadult-Inatt is on a distinguished road
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

I struggle with this at work quite a bit. I'm an executive with a million things I should be doing alone, but I am overcommitted to both the people I report to and the people that report to me. This is making for constant anxiety and turmoil. Ready for a change to turn my helpfulness into some sort of strength. Miserable but so grateful for the company that gets me. Good luck to us all.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-07-09, 09:59 PM
chips's Avatar
chips chips is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Sunshine Coast Australia
Posts: 1,748
Blog Entries: 4
Thanks: 1,748
Thanked 1,252 Times in 732 Posts
chips is a glorious beacon of lightchips is a glorious beacon of lightchips is a glorious beacon of lightchips is a glorious beacon of lightchips is a glorious beacon of light
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyBadger View Post
I definitely over-commit, or promise/volunteer to do something and then completely forget to do it.

It's hard for me to say "no," because I like doing things to help other people. However, that can quickly turn into a situation where I end up feeling unappreciated or taken for granted, and I burn out and stop volunteering altogether.
I can so relate to this. I've always taken on to much & end up feeling taken for granted. I've just recently volunteered to help out with a group & already feeling so swamped by everything they need done. They don't get many reliable long term volunteers & I feel even worse about myself by feeling I'm going to let them down too.
I was telling my partner just this morning why I feel so irritable is because I have this constantly on my mind that I feel so overwhelmed by what is expected & my own mind blowing it even more out of proportion. I feel so burnt out already!
Saying no is very hard indeed.
__________________
I wish I had a magic wand, I would change the world, my world, well something in the world, but then if I had it, I wish I could remember where I had put it......
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-07-09, 11:30 PM
mADD mike mADD mike is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: I've moved back...apparently
Posts: 2,331
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 1,948
Thanked 3,349 Times in 1,288 Posts
mADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

Yeah, I just can't say n.....n..................n...............yeah I have the same problem. I'm a yes man, and what's worse, not only do I do what I'm asked, I'll volunteer for all kinds of crazy things. I just like to be of help, it kind of is what I do, but I often just over-commit, and can't handle everything I've promised with the best of intentions.

Extra good intentions + poor executive function = Someone will be let down
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-08-09, 12:02 AM
Crazygirl79 Crazygirl79 is offline
Guest
 

Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,795
Blog Entries: 3
Thanks: 5,868
Thanked 1,995 Times in 1,112 Posts
Crazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond reputeCrazygirl79 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help: overcommitting or overpromising

I also had a tendency to do this and for a time I was the 'Yes Lady' who said yes to anything and everything despite wanting to say no half of the time and often found that I couldn't deliver on those intentions/promises which therefore caused me a lot of problems.

Time management isn't one of my strengths and never has been but now I often look at a clock and try to keep a list of important things to do and the time I need to do them in, another problem I had is that I wanted to do whatever I could to please another person even if that resulted in making me unhappy in someway but now I've learnt to say no but in a nice way.

My thing is 'Don't make promises you know you can't keep' and I only say yes to things I'm comfortable with and make promises on things I know I can deliver on..well most of the time anyway.

Selena
Quote:
Originally Posted by ethocd View Post
Anyone here has a tendency to make promises that they cant fullfill? where can i find information regarding overcommittment and ADD. I just want to know if more people have this symptom. It will kind of help me deal with mine. And why do people with ADD make so many promises?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:48 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums