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  #1  
Old 02-14-19, 02:33 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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good afternoon everyone out there.

last night, I admit, I plunged the depths to get my s*** together, did something that my therapist alluded to a long time ago(and ya, tested my limits in a big way) and feel way more at ease today.

I also utilized this board as a mental testing ground for myself.

I get the you, I , it, the fruedean concept of the apparatus. in a way, I have mentalized my own superego (the father, right now my superego is just in my head, this sounds silly, but giving orders to the ego to execute commands and steer this ship) I am the adult (the ego) and it is the lifeblood in all of us, it's the awe and wonder of everything in all of us. it's love, and hope. whatever driving force anyone has, that's what it is.

time to get moving.
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Old 02-14-19, 03:14 PM
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

Hi Drogheda I hope you're doing okay
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Old 02-14-19, 03:18 PM
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

Glad you're feeling more at ease, and I hope you are able to move freely in a satisfying direction.
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Old 02-14-19, 05:07 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

thank you for the concern midnight, and ya, I am feeling a lot better.

and also thank you namu, a lot.

I think that with the direction(or subtle assistance) you gave me the other day namu I was able to locate, withen me, the primal wound. I'm also thinking now that the stuff I wrote at the end of the acceptance piece is part of the wound.

also, while reading some literature on the complex (and some examples about how the complex affects other people), things just started to click in how that particular complex affected me.
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Old 02-14-19, 05:34 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

and now the healing process begins. it's funny though, how the hero's journey is in essence, the search for the father withen myself, and how now I have the mentalized function of the father in my head. the original hero's journey was just about finding this self object (in essence, to stop being a hunter)

the actuall process of getting to execution as a concept of executing action, ya... I believe, namu, you know the complex of which I speak.
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Old 02-15-19, 01:50 AM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

I used to not believe in miracles,

I'm telling you all on the adhd message boards, that, I think that yesterday, the self transference and the dissolution of the neurosis ... for a much intended lack of a better word, worked.

I've been going over the literature (a lot of Freudian concepts in this new light)

all of the lines draw a similar conclusion, the mentalization of the super ego, the newly found executive function in the ego, the object catharses, moving through them to make contact with my full range of emotions, knowing who they are(thanks to the dissolution it's making so much more sense).

the model of the apparatus I put to words stands true to the research I've embarked on today, and I truly do believe, even if so cautiously at this point, that I have or atleast starting to push past the looking glass, heh, metaphorically speaking.

I think, I truly think, that my life just truly started. I just wanted to put this to words how, happy I am right now. I've been reading frueds "were the id is known the ego shall be", and, Freud goes over what I did the past couple of days, almost verbatim on the transference and dissolution.
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Old 02-15-19, 06:41 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

as an update, today I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

I've been noticing myself speak with more conviction and clarity, not only that but my movements are more precise as well.

and for about the past 2 years (when I started to feel a split in my pshyche, which is when my therapist told me to start looking inward) their has been a certain, ehmm, buzz about my forhead area, like a legit feeling of buzzing on my head.

that's gone.

I know more about the drives and why it was so important for me to plunge the abyss the way I did (and I do believe my therapist sort of told me too last visit(something about water and ice), or opened the door (that in turn I think namu helped nudge open))

it is our drives (the id in the theory), quoting carl jung (paraphrasing)"until we make the unconcious concious, it will control us and we will call it fate"

when I unpacked what was in the unconscious, I discovered the hidden drives that were down in my abyss. those qualities of myself that for some reason I hid from myself when I was... well, I'm going to say, 2 years old cause that's the number I pulled out of the abyss (so I'm wondering if my therapist told me to go inward at another time and the number 2 was just a hidden variable, you know, the subconscious starting to bubble up).

anyway, I feel a lot more at piece, and way more whole and coherent today.
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Old 02-15-19, 06:56 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

another thought occured to me.

about 3 years ago when severe rumination subsided, my therapist told me "getting out of depression is a choice"

I think the first enlightenment (that happened somewere between 2 to 3 years ago), was the subversion(maybee wrong word usage, ehh well) of parts of the depression.

I think, the feeling of the burden being lifted from my shoulders, I think, being cautiously optimistic, the burden being lifted is the resolution of that choice I made so long ago.
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Old 02-22-19, 06:08 AM
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drogheda98 View Post
another thought occured to me.

about 3 years ago when severe rumination subsided, my therapist told me "getting out of depression is a choice"

I think the first enlightenment (that happened somewere between 2 to 3 years ago), was the subversion(maybee wrong word usage, ehh well) of parts of the depression.

I think, the feeling of the burden being lifted from my shoulders, I think, being cautiously optimistic, the burden being lifted is the resolution of that choice I made so long ago.
I am glad your therapists' advice worked for you, i would have felt really bad about myself if my therapist had told me my depression was a choice.
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Old 02-22-19, 08:47 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: good afternoon everyone out there.

Ill try to my best to remember my therapist words.

it's not that depression is a choice per say, it's that getting out of depression is a choice. I think I remember him saying that people who are actually in depression are in depression at no fault of their own.
(self reflecting) and it's a choice that you have to make over and over again to stay on top of things and figure out your entire range of emotions and be happy.
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