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Old 09-04-17, 05:21 PM
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Why even bother......

Before i jump into this i have a but one disclaimer, this is going to be a long one.

if you somehow stumble onto my post, thank you already. But why dont we get the ball rolling already. I am Currently 19 and i just hate about everything in my life. But not hate as in i despise everything about this world, just my life.

Growing up i had always been a shut in, i would get abused by parents but it was one of those, discipline type of parental abuse. im not mad at them anymore i always did find trouble. I was diagnosed with ADHD about a couple months back. i always new there was something off about me as a kid, i never paid attention to anything i would just copy whatever the teacher did and would repeat the process in my mind. I can still remember to this day the process of my life.

Wake up, Shower brush my teeth skip breakfast and go straight to school, during my elementary years i played soccer, i played forward for my team and i was pretty good for my age. once but during those times i had friends, i had a couple close-ish friends but everyone knew each other because it was such a small school. me and those friends i mentioned would play together and you know the normal, until they both moved away. i became alone and i tried to make new friends and i tried to get into other groups of people but no one seemed to like me, or atleast thats what i thought.

during those elementary school years all i focused on was being a good muslim following my parents footsteps on religion. i even prayed in the library during recess or lunch and i was aloud to by the librarian. So instead of going out to play i stayed inside and maybe i didnt know i had control over everything i wanted to do but it was ingrained in my head to pray and this and that, i even did my homework in the car heading back home. I'd be done before reaching the drive-in.

besides that i did sort of get bullied but i would always play it off as if it was a joke, i would get laughed at for many reasons which include my clothes and the bottom of my jaw which i needed braces to make my face straight (although now i do have braces to fix it after all these years) and so i thought no one would ever like me but now i think i was just confined to the walls of the school and my house (atleast thats what i thought, i feel small minded now that i realized that).

Around 4th and 5th grade things got worse i never payed attention in class but i was always doing my work without the teachers help, id finish up and move on to my other classes hw, even to a point where some of the other kids would pay me a couple bucks to do their work past that in 5th grade i decided to run for school president and try to attract more friends, (mind you i always wanted to be the cool kid with the cool clothes and blah blah blah) there were 3 kids running for that position and i was one of them, the two others went up and the crowd of kids and some parents went crazy, clapping and all. but as soon as i went up not a single clap, to this day i remember what one boy said to me "no one is going to pick you" in a shmirky voice and his these two adults behind him started to laugh right in front of me. i was so sad but i just walked away like it didnt bother me.

I believe this when my adhd brought my anxiety with it as an accessory. going into middle school (overall) even though there were alot of new faces and i was somehow able to make some friends, even my first girlfriend but thats not important to the story nor was it a serious relationship, we were still just kids and i was weird and never spoke much because i had this anxiety of no one liking me, i was still doing the same thing i did in elementary school with the homework and classwork but i just didnt know how to make friends, not kids i knew from school but friends like real ones i can talk to everyday and stuff, that enjoyed the things i liked. i was still the same as i was in elementary school.

in 7th grade a met this kid and he was the "cool" "Tough" kid of the whole school. we became acquiescence's and i felt thats what a best friend was like but we never texted or called or hanged out much after school, only because he struggled with school work and no one helped him but me and so being around him and his actual friends no one said a thing to me, no one could be mean to me, he had my back like a friend should and to this day he still is the only one who ever did. But he was also a young gang member so i can see why no one messed with me and he was the first person to get me to try Weed but as soon as middle school ended guess what? he moved away to a new school and like i said aquitences so we didnt talk after even though i reached out to him after graduation.

So entering high school i would try and make friend but it didnt work, i would go to school and go straight back to the house, and i repeated this process alot. (imagine being that one kid thats just in the background of a group of friends no one listens to you, no cares for you, well that was me anything i had to say just swayed away)

So my anxiety had boosted through the roof and i couldnt help myself but stay in my room, the outside world was just not for me i guess or i had thought. i resorted to smoking to make me sleep because my anxiety was and is still so bad. and the weed then started to make my anxiety worse and for years now i cannot sleep i just stay up until my body gives up. i just lay in bed with my thoughts none stop and my own voice in my head will only say the negative things. for example if i try to talk to someone and say whats to a new group of people, theyd say sup back but ignore me completely, during my High school years some people started to know i smoked and i could get so they would also want to smoke with me but they werent smoking with me because they wanted to hang out, nah they just wanted to get high and leave.

(i also mentioned the how i used to just do the hw and classwork and esc well in HS i just could not focus on what the teacher was doing because theyd go through a question or problem so fast and i could never focus so my grades plummeted but with some slick-ish talk i was able to graduate) if lets say there was 4 of us 3 of them would talk to each other and completely forget about me and even when i say something it again gets completely ignored. but i like seeing people around me even if they were just using me. mind you this i cannot keep a conversation going whether its text or in person because i just forgot how to be myself or better yet i feel like i have not a single shred of personality. i have common interests but nothing out the ordinary or interesting. even now its been about a year and ive been in my room a majority of the time and i cant seem to explain it right but i feel theres nothing special about me, i like to rap and even listen to music and imagine im the artist but im not good at the rap part, im not clever or good with word play or anything but it seems im getting way off track.

after graduating in 2016 since then i had been in my room alot and i mean A LOT and some may reply with why dont you go out and its because 1) ive gone out but am so socially awkward that its hard to go outside and talk to people, i get nervous and my hands get really clamy and 2) when i talk it comes out all mushy and its like talking under your breathe all the time. if you actually read this then back to the bottom of my face part, i hate it so much because its slanted so i wear a face mask and hopefully it boosts my confidence until my braces align my teeth.

moving past even this about 6-7 months back to now i went to a doctor and got prescribed retalin within two weeks i went back and said i want something else because it made me not eat at all just alot of water and i didnt like the effect, so he told me to go see a physiatrist and see prescribed me tenex at 1 mg and after a couple months if it doesnt work she will give me adderall. it did completely nothing good but make my focus worst and my mouth saltine cracker dry. but its a build up drug so she wanted me to take it for about 3 months now and i even had to add up the dosage to take 2 a day so 60 per month.

the same week i had to see my doctor and i was telling him that tenex was doing nothing to help me so he said this and that and said that xanax would be good for my server awful painful anxiety and yes im aware of the dangers of it. i only take 2 mg at night and guess what i can actually go to sleep and wake up EARLY. througout my whole life it took me HOURS and i mean HOURS like 3-4 Am normal to fall asleep. so i stayed with xanax which helped my anxiety i and was being very careful to try and not get addicted like some days i wouldnt need to take it or id forget to so id just have a bunch of xanaxs left which i still have from previous months re-fill.

i am going to see my physiatrist this week and will try to get lexapro to help because ive only heard good things about this. back to the point my ADHD is the same if not worse now because rather the tenex or something else. but throughout my life i always hated me. i always hated who i was. why am i not funny or clever or this or that, im just like a piece of paper, Blank. And i didnt want to live anymore, i had recently lost my job (just turned 19) because the season was over and that job was the only reason i was actually talking to people because well co workers tend to have small chats with each other and it was refreshing, and now im back to this.

i even got into a car accident a day prior to being let go from work so i was so suicidal and i just had not a single soul to talk to, my parents think im normal but no not a damn thing about me, my birthday was a couple days ago and not one of them remembered, mind you i dont have my whole family in the u.s they are on the other side of the world and i dont know a thing about them, to me theyre just strangers. i had recently went to see them because my doctor told my dad its best for him to see a new environment and my whole "family" (excluding siblings and parents) i didnt know a single thing about them other than some of their names, i dont know a single shred of info on them, they want us to go to them but have never once came to us which i can understand there could be a reason to that.

back to the suicidal thing, my dad and i have a terrible relationship, he likes to be right and always like to be right and everyone in the house hold just accepts it like sheep but i rebel all the time. i even met his friend who told me she feels the same way i feel about him as i do, he is hard headed and wont let you have a intellectual conversation because he is right and he follows the religion heavy so he thinks his word is like god's or something. and hes always treated me like a piece of **** saying i wont go anywhere in life and this and that and when thats all you hear when you talk to your own dad it does something to you, my anxiety reached a whole new level i had wished i died in the car accident which is still to be determine whos really at fault which i wont get into that yet i wish i would have died.

so a couple days after i had took out all the money i had gotten from working and i went up and gave it to him and he did not want it, he said "i dont want your money i just want you to be on the right path and stop smoking weed and taking pills because theres nothing wrong with you" (additional info: he knows nothing about what i like and general things a parent should know about their kids or my mental problems) so we got into an argument for the trillionth time where he threatened me for the 10000th time and my anxiety got so bad that i went into my room and had a panic attack and just wanted to just end it, i wrote a note, took an overdose of medication, and waited. i woke up alive.

and even as i type this i want to say why should i keep living? i have no one. no family. (my parents think im a drug addict because i smoke weed sometimes) im not good at anything but one esport game where i could have become a pro but i lost my touch because of all this and now i cant even focus on the game, but besides that im not good at single thing, i have no special talents and the things i want to do i cant because im too insecure, especially if i take off the face mask.

and dont give me the "youre young, you have so much to live for" no i really just dont i go to college now sure but i my adhd is so bad that i cant even focus on a single person talking i just wonder and the voice in my head which is mines just says all the negative things i hate about myself and am so envyous of others who have friends, who have skills, who have family. i am alone and i havent met a single person like me yet no matter how hard i try i just get left in the shadows, i cant even do what i want because of those insecurities and the uglyness that see when i look into a mirrior. this is getting to long, all i want too is to be normal, and live this dream that i want which seems to be impossible.

so why keep living? i need drugs to help me think a certain way, make me go to sleep because that damn voice wont let me let go of the past, it wont let me change, im confined to a room all the time, so why not just end it? if a crash wont kill me. an overdose wont kill me then what? cuz im running out of options and i dont want to live anymore. i know this is a add forum not some suicidal forum but i dont know which forum to go to either way ill get the same response. but past the anxiety it came from my adhd and no drug has helped it yet, but im running out of time. as a kid is when you see the world or build a personality or whatever, while others made friends and went to birthday parties i was always alone, youd think its funny what i know now as a 19 year old that i didnt know when i was a kid because all i ever did was day dream or stay in my thoughts.

If anyone would kindly reply and sure be brutally honest if you want, or even hate comments, atleast i would know some read this..

Last edited by peripatetic; 09-06-17 at 01:00 PM.. Reason: added paragraph breaks; removed some bits per guidelines
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Old 09-06-17, 01:03 PM
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Re: Why even bother......

greetings and welcome to the forums.

it sounds like you've had a really rough time. it took me a while, but i did read this. i may have more to say later, but i hope you're feeling better than you were when you wrote it.

best wishes,
-peri
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Old 09-06-17, 04:09 PM
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Re: Why even bother......

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Old 09-06-17, 05:35 PM
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Re: Why even bother......

Now i want to edit because looking at your title... i want to bother a little more than just sending you a virtual hug. It's not easy for me to read so much lines but i get the picture and i know that dark place.

Writing your story is a good way to look at yourself with a little more distance, like it's a movie and the main character just wrote about his life, having hit rock bottom. You were born into this bad movie and played the part that was given to you, cast, script, scenery and all. For me the key is finding the directors seat. I think it's most important to share and ask for help, and you're doing that.

I found out that depression can give a total different view on reality, very specific and literal even, appearantly that's how the brain works. So what the mind tells you, is rarely true, or at least it's not the only truth. Things never stay the same. But now you're here and i hope you feel better soon!

X Kaia
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Old 09-10-17, 08:13 PM
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Re: Why even bother......

I sent you a PM too.

I am heartened to see that you are still going to the doctor and trying different meds. Has the Lexapro had any effect yet?

I don't recall seeing that you are going to a therapist and I want to encourage you find one that you like and go! It can help a lot! I am currently looking for a new one. When I didn't have insurance, I was able to get therapy that was free for me through county funds for mental health care. Check out if your county or state has something similar

One thing that has helped me is meetup.com. In my city there is a group about depression and anxiety and another one about isolating due to anxiety and depression. Many people go to both and I have found that I feel most comfortable doing an activity with them but I have done a few things with other groups where, yes, I was uncomfortable and felt awkward but was very proud of myself for go and had an ok time.

Even if your city doesn't have meetup groups with those topics, there are likely many other groups where you will probably find a few that you are interested in.

Does your mosque or Islamic cultural center (I've been to the one in my city) have activities either religious or social? Are there groups for singles? I used to be very, very active in church activities and ministries but that was a lifetime ago and I am not even going to any church right now.

Good luck and keep us posted!!
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