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  #1  
Old 10-11-17, 08:48 AM
Flauri Flauri is offline
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Dating someone with ADD

HI all,

This is my first post on this forum, it might be a lengthy one but I hope there is someone on here that can help me with my issue

So I a month ago I reconnected with an old acquaintance, I used to know him through some of my friends from highschool but we never really had any one on one talks. I met him again at a concert and we got to talking, and hit it off immediately. He is a bit younger than I am (6 years). After the concert me and him and some friends went over to his place to talk and have a few beers, and when they left we kissed (there was already some serious tension between us that whole night). A little later that evening he told me he has ADD, but he did not seem to want to elaborate much on the topic. He also told me that he had been single for 6 years, even though he really wants a girlfriend. When I asked him why he thought this was he said he wasnít sure, girls usually told him that he was too sweet and things never lasted very long. The last girl he dated turned out to have some pretty serious borderline traits and this messed him up pretty goo (they ended their relationship around 7 or 8 months ago). I left his place feeling pretty good, I really liked him! I sent him a message the next morning that I had fun, he told me that it was a long time since he felt so at ease with someone. We continued texting over the next few days. However, as he was going on holiday soon I tried not getting my hopes up because you know, holidays can sometimes create distance when something is so freshÖ
During the holiday I didnít text him much and let him do his thing, but he sent me a message every 2 or 3 days to update me on what he was doing, some pics, and some other chit chat. I always responded with interest and I believe I made it clear that I was happy that he got in touch with me, everytime he did.

He finally got home, but then things went a bit quiet (he was texting a lot the day of his departure, but on the day of his arrival nothing, nor the day after). I figured he just needed to land, but I did send him a message the next day, just to check in and see how he was doing, and that I would be very interested in seeing him again sometime. He said he was too, and I asked him on what day he was available. The date was great, we were talking and kissing for hours. I spent the night but we did not sleep together yet, and he was very relaxed about that. I asked him that night if he wanted to come to my place the next time, and he said he would like that. Again (and here is where I was starting to feel a little pushy) I had to ask him for an exact date. We agreed on Friday, so great!
But the Wednesday before he texted me (little sidenote, he always asks how my day was and tells me something a little about his, so heís never rude in his messaging) to cancel, because he had forgotten about a birthday that Friday and also a wedding he had the next day (we live an hour drive away from eachother, so to see eachother we do have to make a little more effort). I did not give him a hard time about this and though I do not doubt that this is absolutely true, this is where my insecurities started to kick in.. I have not always had the best experiences with cancellations for dates, plus I have some attachment issues which make me respond to seemingly minor issues a bit more intensely than other people do. So I guess itís safe to say I had a panicreaction and IMMEDIATELY asked him to reschedule for a next date, with we then set. Afterwards I felt bad about being so pushy and I was pretty sure he would be totally turned off by now..

But lo and behold! He got back in touch with me and things seemed fine. So this rescheduled date was last night, and I feel like I am really falling for him. He is always very affectionate, wanting to kiss and hug me, and he also cooked me dinner. Later on I asked him to elaborate about his ADD and he really gave me some insights on how hard this must be for him (he is on medication by the way). He told me is very sensitive, has a hard time letting things go and always feels like the odd one out in social situations. Also he is chaotic and impulsive, likes to be able to schedule things last minute. I told him that for me this is difficult, since usually my schedule fills up rather quickly. We didnít really reach a conclusion for this or anything but it was really nice having this out in the open at least. After the talk we fell asleep completely entangled in eachother (which is special for me, I usually need space to sleep). He told me this morning that he would like to hear me play guitar sometime (I promised him to do this sometime on the previous date), and I said he is very welcome to visit me when he wants. He replied that he would like to do that very soon.

Today I have been reading much into what ADD really is and itís effects on dating/relationships, which is how I stumbled onto this forum. I guess my question is, is it recognizable for anyone here that he (so the person with ADD) is holding back in taking the initiative to meet up? Even though he is always getting in touch with me and is very affectionate when we do eventually meet? this morning I tried to contain my urge to schedule something in with him right away again in light of what he told me last night, but I must admit Iím a bit insecure about his intentionsÖ

Thanks for reading this, any advice and insights are more than welcome because I am really, really starting to like this sweet guy!
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  #2  
Old 10-11-17, 01:57 PM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flauri View Post

Later on I asked him to elaborate about his ADD and he really gave me some insights on how hard this must be for him (he is on medication by the way). He told me is very sensitive, has a hard time letting things go and always feels like the odd one out in social situations. Also he is chaotic and impulsive, likes to be able to schedule things last minute. I told him that for me this is difficult, since usually my schedule fills up rather quickly. We didnít really reach a conclusion for this or anything but it was really nice having this out in the open at least.

Today I have been reading much into what ADD really is and itís effects on dating/relationships, which is how I stumbled onto this forum. I guess my question is, is it recognizable for anyone here that he (so the person with ADD) is holding back in taking the initiative to meet up? Even though he is always getting in touch with me and is very affectionate when we do eventually meet? this morning I tried to contain my urge to schedule something in with him right away again in light of what he told me last night, but I must admit Iím a bit insecure about his intentionsÖ

Thanks for reading this, any advice and insights are more than welcome because I am really, really starting to like this sweet guy!
You're from the Netherlands, right? I generally wouldn't trust myself to give relationship advice to Americans, let alone to people of a foreign country and culture, but I'll try my best! I think that what he is saying about himself makes sense in the context of ADD. People with ADD tend to be disorganized and chronic procrastinators. You two live an hour apart, but for an ADD person, this might internally feel more like three hours (I'm just making up a random number).

Like any relationship, you're just going to have to see where this goes, but from what you're saying, it seems like you think it's worth the effort. Don't expect that he's going to be able to cure his ADD, and try not to take it too personally. Maybe it'll work out well - sometimes the non-ADD partner can help organize the life for the ADD partner, and both sides are happy. Other times, the two sides become resentful of the other, and it is a disaster. Keep us updated!
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Old 10-11-17, 03:33 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

Well, yes ADHD people often like to set appointments at the very last minute ... Even when I plan to go somewhere on a trip, I often delay a day or two on impulse.

So the advice we generally give on this board is this: assume he's not gonna change. Do you want to be in a relationship with a person with these issues?

What strikes me is that he tells you he has ADHD and you seem to like him. And he's affectionate. I think for the relationship to work, you have to find qualities you really like in him, other than disclosing that he has ADHD and him kissing you.

Be careful ... there is an attachment dynamic that goes like this. The person in your position--who gets canceled on and who takes more initiative--often turns up their attachment and affection in response to inconsistent treatment. You would think people in your position would back off. Well, often the opposite is true.You try harder to be understanding and flexible; you imagine harder that this isn't really a problem. You talk yourself into minimizing the things you don't like.

I have attachment issues as well. The one thing I can say is that it helps to give your logical brain time to step back and evaluate this ... And beware of working hard so early in a relationship. A red light for people with attachment issues: working hard early on, just as you are doing here. You don't want to work hard at the start of a relationship ...

Allow time ... go slow ... don't commit yet. Go out with other people for a while--these are all ways of allowing the true character of the relationship to emerge ... These are also ways of giving your rational brain time to catch up with the emotional part is so quick to attach.

Tone
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Old 10-12-17, 09:46 AM
Flauri Flauri is offline
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

Hi Charles and Tone,

First of all, thank you for the response!

I guess you are both right, only time will tell what will happen eventually. I will heed your advice and take a step back, because I can get lost in whirlwind emotions sometimes and I cannot see very clearly anymore... I have not yet heard from him since yesterdaymorning, which is ok. I made it pretty clear that I would like to see him again, so the ball is in his court this time. Maybe I will send him a message tomorrow so he knows I have not forgotten about him but I won't ask him for a date. Also I have scheduled in lots of social activities the upcoming days, so distraction should not be a problem

The only thing that worries me is the possibility that he got scared about opening up to me last time, and now thinks that this may have put me off... It didn't but I have to admit that it's been good reading up on this forum and all the issues that might arise if this continues. I am willing to give it a shot though, but him making a little effort by telling me he would like to see me too or something like that would make things so much easier.. pffff
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Old 10-12-17, 05:39 PM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

I think it's important to remember that his ADHD does not make this relationship different from other relationships. All relationships are fundamentally about taking two different, complex individuals and finding a way for them to create a life together that makes both sides happy. ADHD is an important factor, but there are also so many other differences that you two will have to work out as you discover more about each other.

I'd be inclined to take his word at face value. If he's not being truthful, then you wouldn't want to be with him anyway. Just tell him that you'd love to see him again and reassure him that he can schedule appointments with you with the mutual understanding that he sometimes will need to cancel at the last minute due to his ADHD. Hopefully this will help reduce the anxiety he might feel regarding committing to appointments.
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Old 10-13-17, 07:27 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

Really, I'm giving you advice of the kind that I wish people had given me.

Here's what I say. You have already made your interest in him more than clear. Once you do that, back off! You've done your part. It's now up to the other person to respond.

Let him come to you, and if he doesn't, you'll know that he wasn't ready for a relationship. And if he does come to you, even then don't rush. Don't be available the next night. Don't cancel other appointments to make room for him. You want to make clear that you are interested in being a priority in someone's life, and that you have a rich life on your own without him.

I've been on both sides of the situation you're in. I've acted like him, and later in life, I was in the position you were in.

Later in life, after diagnosis with ADHD and lots of experience, I realized that when I was younger, I honestly could not distinguish between when I was really attracted to someone and when I wasn't. That sounds nuts, but discerning the difference is a huge and complicated brain task and if you lack the ability to tune into your genuine feelings (which ADHD impairs), you can easily make this mistake.

I'm much better now at knowing when I'm really attracted to someone. And when I am. I can return calls on time--I initiate calls. I'm available on weekend nights. I prioritize connecting with the person. I put the rest of my life as a secondary priority (not saying this is always good).

Backing off when people are inconsistent isn't just a playing-hard-to-get move (though there is some power in that move), it's also a self-confidence move. You get on with your life, you send the signal to yourself that you don't "need" this other person. From a distance, you come off as more confident, but inside you are also feeling legitimately more confident.

Good luck.

Tone
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Old 10-14-17, 04:39 AM
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

You dont want to seem codependent either.
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Old 10-14-17, 10:17 PM
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Re: Dating someone with ADD

Hi Flauri,

Welcome! I concur with everything the above posters have said. I just want to add from one female to another is not to get too physical with him too quickly. That can really cause issues in lots of different ways. Trust me!!

finally
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