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  #16  
Old 06-09-18, 02:02 PM
mind_in_orbit mind_in_orbit is offline
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by maryjanewatson View Post
There is nothing wrong with never having had a relationship, ESPECIALLY in high school. I truly believe that teenagers shouldn't be dating bc there have the rest of their lives to do that (something that I have always thought, even when I was in HS). They should use that time to enjoy being kids before getting thrown into the trash hole that is adulthood.
I would disagree here, even though (in fact because) I agree with your last sentence. Teenage dating seems like the only opportunity for most people to explore romance and sexuality while still "enjoying being kids". Adult dating feels like an entirely different playing field, one on which even if I had the skills to play on, I'd rather not.

I'm looking for a woman who is like me in that her sexuality is just "budding", and who wants a relationship where we can "enjoy being kids" despite the fact that we are chronological adults. Someone whose idea of a date is to visit an amusement park, sit up on a hill looking at the stars, make blanket forts, etc., not have a fancy dinner and behave like an adult married couple. Such women are so extremely hard to find, I get very discouraged a lot of the time.

So I regret not having dated in my teen years, when this combination of romantic desire and wanting to be like a kid was the norm rather than something that makes you stand out as different. Yes, there are adults who still like acting like kids every once in a while, the difference is that they don't seem to romantically bond over such activities in the same way teens do. They do these things more despite being in a romantic relationship, rather than as the core bread-and-butter OF the relationship, if that makes any sense.

I was the same way as you in my teenage years by the way--I felt no rush to get a girlfriend because I thought I had the rest of my life. While I do have "the rest of my life" to date, strictly speaking, what I didn't anticipate was that in the next few years almost everyone around me would change drastically as people, and with that what they were looking for in a partner. I also have heard that for some girls, romance and sexuality have always been serious, they never felt like child's play even when those girls were young teens having their first crushes. I obviously can't speak to that, not having experienced that or grown up a girl.

Last edited by mind_in_orbit; 06-09-18 at 02:10 PM.. Reason: There was something else I wanted to respond to
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Old 06-09-18, 06:35 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

Visit an amusement park? Sit up on a hill watching stars? Make blanket forts?

My teenage dates were nothing like that. They were about being cool enough to have someone be interested in you, being pressurised to have sex, trying to make your body look acceptable, and in general just dealing with selfish, immature pricks.

I go to amusement parks with my husband and we love hunting for sunsets. I look forward to building blanket forts with my little girl. Now at least I can talk about to these things to my husband and my friends. When I was a teenager I'd have been shunned for being super weird (which I was at times anyway).

Not all teenage romances are like kind of course but I do suspect that you have a rather idealised view of them. Did you know many people (of either sex) that you now think you could have mentioned your desire of building blanket forts to when you were a teenager?
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  #18  
Old 06-09-18, 06:50 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

Being a teenager with wicked skin problems, I never got to know what teenage romance was. I just remember being awkward and shy all the time and the only girls who noticed me were the one's who had less than nice things to say about my skin and hair colour.



I'd like to say things got better as an adult. They haven't. Although adults are generally much less vocal about how I look, it doesn't stop them treating me like i'm bellow their expectations and social status.


Didn't mean to hijack the thread, just needed the midnight rant.
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  #19  
Old 06-10-18, 02:13 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

I seem to have the opposite problem as everyone else. I never wanted to date casually so I didn't date until I was older. I had no desire to have a childhood or teenage lifestyle. I think the entire process was horrible and I couldn't wait to be an adult. I'm much happier as an adult than I ever was a a child. I matured very quickly and I don't feel like I "missed" anything. And I sure as hell don't want to try to relive any part of it.
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  #20  
Old 06-10-18, 03:17 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by mind_in_orbit View Post
If so, do any of you feel like your adolescence has been "deferred" so to speak, like you can't relate to your peers and are not yet ready for the kind of relationships most of them are seeking?
I'm not a woman, but I had pretty much zero friends (platonic or otherwise) in middle/high school...mainly because I was to busy being a high achieving student (sorry, I didn't mean this as a humble brag).

I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I do think that the lack of friendships/relationships led to social adjustment issues during early adulthood. College was rough, haha.
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  #21  
Old 06-11-18, 04:44 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

Even with my disabilities I spent my younger-ish years playing mom to a full gowns adult males. It got old.

And you're damned right I take myself seriously. If I don't who will? I have sh- to do, responsibilities, bills to pay, races to train for, I'm working my way towards owning a house, have my own car, working on my 401k etc, etc

I see my girlfriend about once or twice a month. Our schedules don't line up all that well and we both have sh- to do. No one is butt hurt over this fact it's just the way it is. And when we do go out we will likely hit up the coffee shop down the street (chai latte for the ladies please) or a museum. We went to a club not long ago and about an hour in I turned to her and said (yelled) "i don't think I have a single thing in common with anyone in this room" she's like "me neither" i'm like "ok, lets go. Wine bar next time". Because we are too f-ing old for that sh-. We are the old married couple you fear becoming.

The idea of looking for someone who is mentally and emotionally stunted strikes me as kinda odd. I really hope you guys are younger than I think you are. You may find one. You may find one of the ones that IS that way because she was abused. You are not prepared for that. Or she may have a mental disability that you would need to be able to support. No one sounds ready for that either. Unless you guys are really just looking for a hook up. Which isn't even a relationship as far as I'm concerned.

The problem with casual teen relationship are that you are not a teen.

Women as a whole tend to be overly romantic. So they really get into that chocolate and flowers things. If you want romantic you can still have it. And be thanked for it. Long walks on beaches. Laying under the stars. Some I'm sure. No for me, If I'm laying out looking at the starts I'm going to be doing it in a dark sky zone and have a telescope and a sky chart out, not holding someones hand.

For anyone not already aware: The world owes you nothing. Women owe you nothing. (These are sentiments I see a lot of these days regarding such topics.) If you find what you are looking for great. Otherwise it's time to look for some more therapy and get yourself up to par. The same thing we always do when we find ourselves lacking in other areas because of ADD/Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety issue. We fix them. If you can't find what you want (which sounds pretty rare) you might have to step it up a bit to get where you need to be.
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  #22  
Old 06-12-18, 06:43 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

I wish I hadn't gotten into a very serious relationship in high school. I now think that the pain and heartache aren't meant to be handled by teenagers. Those years are for good times with friends and school work. The people that I know of in person and on tv who save all of that for when they are adults (The Duggars, for example), appear to fair much better.
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  #23  
Old 06-21-18, 09:44 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
Visit an amusement park? Sit up on a hill watching stars? Make blanket forts?

My teenage dates were nothing like that. They were about being cool enough to have someone be interested in you, being pressurised to have sex, trying to make your body look acceptable, and in general just dealing with selfish, immature pricks.

I go to amusement parks with my husband and we love hunting for sunsets. I look forward to building blanket forts with my little girl. Now at least I can talk about to these things to my husband and my friends. When I was a teenager I'd have been shunned for being super weird (which I was at times anyway).

Not all teenage romances are like kind of course but I do suspect that you have a rather idealised view of them. Did you know many people (of either sex) that you now think you could have mentioned your desire of building blanket forts to when you were a teenager?
Maybe what I'm looking for then is even younger, like tween dates or even childhood "dates". Basically, the kind of relationship I feel ready for is the kind that people have when they are too young to even really firmly separate a friendship and a romantic relationship.

I've also heard that it's different if you go to public school. I attended private school from first grade through the end of high school, and at the high school where I was, really everyone actually wanted to be there. They were academically oriented, and "serious" in the sense that they had interests they took seriously (I don't mean necessarily the adult emotional sense of "serious"--I myself was serious in the way they were).

I've still been in academic programs as an adult, with people who have strong interests in particular areas. But the thing that was WAY better back then in high school was that I was around the intellectual/academically-serious people in ALL areas, from the visual and performing arts, to the sciences, to history and social sciences. One of the things I've hated the most ever since graduating college is that after that, the STEM people barely even know the arts people, who barely know the literature people, etc.

It's possible you would consider me one of those "immature pricks" because I'm nowhere even remotely on the same planet as where I would need to be to consider having children of my own. I'm still too much of a kid myself.

Quote:
I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I do think that the lack of friendships/relationships led to social adjustment issues during early adulthood. College was rough, haha.
Well then I bet you could see how I might have even much worse "social adjustment", having never had real friendships even in elementary and middle school! I'm assuming by your comment that it was ONLY in high school that you didn't have friendships/relationships.
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  #24  
Old 06-21-18, 09:49 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by LyrinMeow View Post
The idea of looking for someone who is mentally and emotionally stunted strikes me as kinda odd. I really hope you guys are younger than I think you are. You may find one. You may find one of the ones that IS that way because she was abused. You are not prepared for that. Or she may have a mental disability that you would need to be able to support. No one sounds ready for that either. Unless you guys are really just looking for a hook up. Which isn't even a relationship as far as I'm concerned.
I would want someone whose parents or the other "real adults" in her life still support her, at least emotionally, including with whatever disabilities she has. I'm not ready to take over the role of parent to anyone, or have anyone else take over my parents' role with respect to me.

Last edited by mind_in_orbit; 06-21-18 at 10:04 PM..
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Old 06-22-18, 12:08 AM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Even with my disabilities I spent my younger-ish years playing mom to a full gowns adult males. It got old.
That in itself is telling--that even with disabilities you were not only able to care for yourself, but even for someone else as well. So you were obviously, as an adult, never in the phase of emotional development where you would have been looking for the kind of relationship I'm looking for. And it's not hard to see why someone like what you're describing would have experience.
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  #26  
Old 06-22-18, 03:13 AM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

I'm just saying you may have missed that boat.

You are looking for a person that is most likely damaged in some way but you don't want to deal with that part. You want a play date.

I'm an adult I expect to date an adult. If I get suicidal I don't need someone to say "oh, I don't want to deal with that part I'm not that involved" and walk away.

I doubt you want someone to say to you "Oh you have a mental illness? I don't want to deal with that. Peace."

Quote:
Basically, the kind of relationship I feel ready for is the kind that people have when they are too young to even really firmly separate a friendship and a romantic relationship.
You may want to seriously consider your sexuality. That's sounds like a class of asexuals or even demisexual. I'm aro ace (Aromantic Asexual) so I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. The lines for me between friendship and relationship are slightly blurred. I can sort them out but most other people would just be confused.

But you're still unlikely to find a relationship where you don't have to be supportive and be there for someone.
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Old 06-22-18, 09:49 AM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

I say this from a concerned place..not intending to be harsh but.. Have you listened to what you are asking for? It seems like you want an emotionally immature girl, who has the same interest in sex as you, the same interest in what kind of a sexual relationship as you, someone who doesnt need to expect emotional support from you and needs to lean on other friends or family. Someone who has no expectations, is undeserving of your concern, will make no demands and only wants to have fun like a kid...thats a tall order..and I dare say an unrealistic one. Lets say you find that girl and all of a sudden you fall head over heels then what? You found someone you thought you wanted and now she is incapable of providing you what you need and then you are already emotionally invested so it becomes a situation where you are working to "win her over" or make her want things the same as you. Then you will get hurt.n Or worse.. flip the script and its her that needs more from you. Are you prepared to cut her lose to save her the pain of being involved with you? This has the potential to get very selfish on one person's part- either her or you.
I just think having that criteria for you to date someone is totally unfair and unrealistic.
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  #28  
Old 06-23-18, 07:18 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by LyrinMeow View Post
You are looking for a person that is most likely damaged in some way but you don't want to deal with that part. You want a play date.
There are multiple different kinds of "damaged" (more like "different", really)--in fact at the highest level I would divide the general category into two broad sub-categories. Namely, on one hand those that lead to experiencing greater interpersonal complexity earlier than normal (loosely described as "more exposure to the world"), and on the other hand those that lead to narrower or mostly absent social contacts to an age LATER than normal.

The former would include having emotionally absent parents, spending a lot of time in day care, witnessing bitter divorces or even domestic violence, and at the extreme being born to homeless parents.

The latter would include being homeschooled, being autistic in some cases, being intellectually delayed, having grown up with medical illnesses that required spending long periods of time in the hospital, etc. These people aren't "broken" in the same sense as the former category, but may reach adulthood having never had much social contact outside the family, which can lead to social adjustment issues if they finally develop an interest in peers/sexual relationships in early adulthood.

Metaphorically, the latter grew up in interpersonal "silence" or "sensory deprivation" (either other- or self-caused), the former grew up interpersonally overwhelmed. The former may see themselves as older than their age, while the latter, if self-aware enough, may still see themselves as children (the less self-aware won't notice this, but others will tend to see them as "reacting like children" to things).

Quote:
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I doubt you want someone to say to you "Oh you have a mental illness? I don't want to deal with that. Peace."
There's a difference between not rejecting someone with a mental illness as "weird", and being not in a position or wanting to "take care of" that mental illness. The former is a kind of openness or lack of disgust, if you will--it's a matter of not judging people as "less" for being "not normal" or for "being different". The latter is a matter of feeling (or not) in a position to deal with the issues that a mentally ill person may have have getting by in the real world.

Kids on the playground, when picking on someone different (who may have a developmental difference, a mental illness, or any of a number of other things), that is the former. Kids don't have to cover medical bills of other kids, or find schools that will accept them, worries like that never cross their minds. In that sense, I'm very accepting of difference, including most if not all forms of neurodiversity. When I read about what certain neurodiverse people experience, I look at it the way that I look at a trip report I read on a place like Erowid--I don't look at it as a "wrong" way of experiencing, but see the beauty in it.

The other kind of rejection, though--since I myself have difficulty at times living in the real world without the help of more "worldly" adults, I wouldn't pretend to be able to be able to protect a neurodiverse person from the real world. Trying to take that role would not only be draining on me, it would be unfair to the girl herself, who could receive much better help from family and/or professionals.

That doesn't mean I haven't helped lower-functioning people as best I could. Like a few years ago I took a somewhat-above-nonverbal autistic young adult I knew to a county fair. It felt in some ways like babysitting a kid, in that he kept disappearing and I'd have to look around to find him again. I wouldn't want to do it full-time, but if it helped him go out and experience something, I have no regrets doing it. It's not like I had to find a job for him or anything like that, though. Just today in an autism-spectrum group I go to, some people were talking about how to help a lower-functioning group member communicate.

So the way to best describe it is, I'm looking for a playmate because the kind of girl I'm looking for, that would be the stage of her interpersonal development. I didn't play with other kids as a kid, so I'm still looking to do that at my age--young adults who grew up interacting with other kids may all be "over" that stage. It's not that I wouldn't support her--if she has arguments with her parents or whatever, or difficulties with her life I'd be willing to listen (and of course hope that she would do the same, to her ability). But I'm looking for someone to live with me in the same rather sheltered environment I've always lived in--not someone I would shelter from the world, or who would shelter me from the world. I suspect as I get older, I will eventually want a kind of replacement mother figure who will take over that role, it's just not a priority now. Now I want a playmate, because I didn't have that growing up. It was by choice, not because I was bullied or anything, but now that I'm ready for it I'm having difficulty finding one, at least a female one.
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Old 06-23-18, 09:27 PM
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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

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Originally Posted by mind_in_orbit View Post
There are multiple different kinds of "damaged" (more like "different", really)--in fact at the highest level I would divide the general category into two broad sub-categories. Namely, on one hand those that lead to experiencing greater interpersonal complexity earlier than normal (loosely described as "more exposure to the world"), and on the other hand those that lead to narrower or mostly absent social contacts to an age LATER than normal.

The former would include having emotionally absent parents, spending a lot of time in day care, witnessing bitter divorces or even domestic violence, and at the extreme being born to homeless parents.

The latter would include being homeschooled, being autistic in some cases, being intellectually delayed, having grown up with medical illnesses that required spending long periods of time in the hospital, etc. These people aren't "broken" in the same sense as the former category, but may reach adulthood having never had much social contact outside the family, which can lead to social adjustment issues if they finally develop an interest in peers/sexual relationships in early adulthood.

Metaphorically, the latter grew up in interpersonal "silence" or "sensory deprivation" (either other- or self-caused), the former grew up interpersonally overwhelmed. The former may see themselves as older than their age, while the latter, if self-aware enough, may still see themselves as children (the less self-aware won't notice this, but others will tend to see them as "reacting like children" to things).



There's a difference between not rejecting someone with a mental illness as "weird", and being not in a position or wanting to "take care of" that mental illness. The former is a kind of openness or lack of disgust, if you will--it's a matter of not judging people as "less" for being "not normal" or for "being different". The latter is a matter of feeling (or not) in a position to deal with the issues that a mentally ill person may have have getting by in the real world.

Kids on the playground, when picking on someone different (who may have a developmental difference, a mental illness, or any of a number of other things), that is the former. Kids don't have to cover medical bills of other kids, or find schools that will accept them, worries like that never cross their minds. In that sense, I'm very accepting of difference, including most if not all forms of neurodiversity. When I read about what certain neurodiverse people experience, I look at it the way that I look at a trip report I read on a place like Erowid--I don't look at it as a "wrong" way of experiencing, but see the beauty in it.

The other kind of rejection, though--since I myself have difficulty at times living in the real world without the help of more "worldly" adults, I wouldn't pretend to be able to be able to protect a neurodiverse person from the real world. Trying to take that role would not only be draining on me, it would be unfair to the girl herself, who could receive much better help from family and/or professionals.

That doesn't mean I haven't helped lower-functioning people as best I could. Like a few years ago I took a somewhat-above-nonverbal autistic young adult I knew to a county fair. It felt in some ways like babysitting a kid, in that he kept disappearing and I'd have to look around to find him again. I wouldn't want to do it full-time, but if it helped him go out and experience something, I have no regrets doing it. It's not like I had to find a job for him or anything like that, though. Just today in an autism-spectrum group I go to, some people were talking about how to help a lower-functioning group member communicate.

So the way to best describe it is, I'm looking for a playmate because the kind of girl I'm looking for, that would be the stage of her interpersonal development. I didn't play with other kids as a kid, so I'm still looking to do that at my age--young adults who grew up interacting with other kids may all be "over" that stage. It's not that I wouldn't support her--if she has arguments with her parents or whatever, or difficulties with her life I'd be willing to listen (and of course hope that she would do the same, to her ability). But I'm looking for someone to live with me in the same rather sheltered environment I've always lived in--not someone I would shelter from the world, or who would shelter me from the world. I suspect as I get older, I will eventually want a kind of replacement mother figure who will take over that role, it's just not a priority now. Now I want a playmate, because I didn't have that growing up. It was by choice, not because I was bullied or anything, but now that I'm ready for it I'm having difficulty finding one, at least a female one.

I had two thoughts:



1. I think that you could find her on a very reputable dating website and you cast a wide net. Several years ago I went on eHarmony and match.com and met many people. I think that online dating- at least right now- is the best way to meet someone. I know three women who've met their current boyfriends online within the last 6 months and so far all is going well. (Yes, I could be married to one of the guys I met. We had everything going for us except that I was not attracted to him at all. I was so sad that it didn't work out but it was for the best. He is married now.)







2. My second thought is I think it would be incredibly helpful to see a therapist who assist you navigate all of this. Perhaps you already are seeing someone who could help you. If not, you mentioned an autism spectrum group you attend so I assume you are on the spectrum and I would think that there are professionals who you could be referred to. This part of life is so overwhelming and every other emotion you can think of. Having an unbiased person to be there would be so helpful.
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ADHD-Inattentive, Adjustment Disorder w/Mixed Features of Anxiety and Depression, Dyscalculia (Math disability), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
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Brene Brown
Shame derives it's power from being unspeakable.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Shame cannot survive being spoken. It can't survive empathy.

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