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  #1  
Old 05-21-18, 09:47 AM
The D The D is offline
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Tired of Everything

It looks like I am going to be going through a divorce soon. One that I initiated but still, it's devastating to me because we have a 12 year old daughter. I feel guilty for deciding to try and do something for myself for a change. In addition, I'm having all sorts of self-doubt as well, I think because I've learned I can't trust my feelings to guide me.

The bottom-line is that all I want to do ever, is nothing. I'm diagnosed "Combined Type" and have always struggled with this, even since I was a kid. I don't want to do anything, even things I enjoy. I want zero responsibilities in life, and all I want to do is shutdown. It's a miserable existence frankly. I'd rather not be alive at all but I'm too chicken-**** to do anything about it, but also would never do that to my daughter. I feel trapped in this existence and just frankly hope for some disease or something to take me away.

I just truly find no joy in living and have tried everything. Every medication you can think of. Psychiatrists. Been in therapy on and off since I was 15. The last time I was in therapy it made things even worse since I have a tendency to be in my head all the time, therapy just made me think and worry even more.

The irony of it is I'm financially successful, and outwardly appearing successful. Nice house, nice car, money in the bank, etc. All for naught. The stress of maintaining that wears me out also.

I don't know if this is what they call "hypomania", the never wanting to do anything, or co-morbid depression? I'm not sure. I know that I am not sure I can hold on much longer, and am afraid if I can't what it means to my future, and my daughter's future. I am so tired of living a life with no joy, and no desire to do anything at all. My own daughter always wants to do a tickle fight with me, and she's revealed why before, because she wants to see her dad laugh. How sad is that? Nice I get to have my **** life ruin the lives of those I love around me too.

How is it that I can't even get activation for things I like?

I know there are no answers, and no one can help. I guess I just needed to vent on this because I know there are others who probably feel somewhat the same.
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  #2  
Old 05-21-18, 03:05 PM
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Re: Tired of Everything

What types and kinds of medication have you tried?
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Old 05-21-18, 10:12 PM
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Re: Tired of Everything

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much and life seems so miserable. You mentioned feeling guilty for doing something for yourself for a change. If being divorced is what you know you want than don’t feel guilty.

I hope things get better for you and have plenty of time with your daughter.

Do you take any medications now and is your ADHD under control?

Best wishes
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Old 05-23-18, 01:16 AM
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Re: Tired of Everything

My daughter was about that age when I divorced. So hard on both myself and her! Divorce can trigger a lot of very difficult emotions. I had depression...both because I had to face a lot of hard truths and because my mother died before that divorce also. Try to take it one day at a time. The end of a marriage can be like losing a loved one. You go through all the stages of grief...at least, I did. I hope you have supportive friends and family to help you get this.
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Old 05-23-18, 06:18 PM
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Re: Tired of Everything

I realized in 2014 that divorce was inevitable. It happened, took forever, only legally signed a few months ago, I was shocked at how little of our net worth I retained, and was shocked again that the order required me to sell the house.


I've had no ambition or desires since that date in 2014 and I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not suicidal, but I most often wonder why I shouldn't just wish to sleep forever.
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Old 05-27-18, 08:14 AM
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Re: Tired of Everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by The D View Post
It looks like I am going to be going through a divorce soon. One that I initiated but still, it's devastating to me because we have a 12 year old daughter. I feel guilty for deciding to try and do something for myself for a change. In addition, I'm having all sorts of self-doubt as well, I think because I've learned I can't trust my feelings to guide me.

The bottom-line is that all I want to do ever, is nothing. I'm diagnosed "Combined Type" and have always struggled with this, even since I was a kid. I don't want to do anything, even things I enjoy. I want zero responsibilities in life, and all I want to do is shutdown. It's a miserable existence frankly. I'd rather not be alive at all but I'm too chicken-**** to do anything about it, but also would never do that to my daughter. I feel trapped in this existence and just frankly hope for some disease or something to take me away.

I just truly find no joy in living and have tried everything. Every medication you can think of. Psychiatrists. Been in therapy on and off since I was 15. The last time I was in therapy it made things even worse since I have a tendency to be in my head all the time, therapy just made me think and worry even more.

The irony of it is I'm financially successful, and outwardly appearing successful. Nice house, nice car, money in the bank, etc. All for naught. The stress of maintaining that wears me out also.

I don't know if this is what they call "hypomania", the never wanting to do anything, or co-morbid depression? I'm not sure. I know that I am not sure I can hold on much longer, and am afraid if I can't what it means to my future, and my daughter's future. I am so tired of living a life with no joy, and no desire to do anything at all. My own daughter always wants to do a tickle fight with me, and she's revealed why before, because she wants to see her dad laugh. How sad is that? Nice I get to have my **** life ruin the lives of those I love around me too.

How is it that I can't even get activation for things I like?

I know there are no answers, and no one can help. I guess I just needed to vent on this because I know there are others who probably feel somewhat the same.
What do you do for a living? Is your profession burning you out?

Have you talked to anyone in person about this?

Family or friends?

I'm combined ADHD with Dysthymia. I don't know if that is the same or not but I have had similar experiences to what you are describing.

Since doing anything stimulating may not be an option at the moment, then your other option is to exercise, or do more stuff with your kid. You won't feel better right away, but that is okay because it takes a bit of time.

Think of the brain more as a giant battery then a processor. Vehicles need to use the kinetic energy from movement to recharge the battery.

Leave anything off for too long, and you either have to jump start it, or you have to move the vehicle by pushing it.

This is also true for emotions. Shutting them off, makes it hard to turn them back on.
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  #7  
Old 05-28-18, 02:18 PM
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Re: Tired of Everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by The D View Post
It looks like I am going to be going through a divorce soon. One that I initiated but still, it's devastating to me because we have a 12 year old daughter. I feel guilty for deciding to try and do something for myself for a change. In addition, I'm having all sorts of self-doubt as well, I think because I've learned I can't trust my feelings to guide me.

The bottom-line is that all I want to do ever, is nothing. I'm diagnosed "Combined Type" and have always struggled with this, even since I was a kid. I don't want to do anything, even things I enjoy. I want zero responsibilities in life, and all I want to do is shutdown. It's a miserable existence frankly. I'd rather not be alive at all but I'm too chicken-**** to do anything about it, but also would never do that to my daughter. I feel trapped in this existence and just frankly hope for some disease or something to take me away.

I just truly find no joy in living and have tried everything. Every medication you can think of. Psychiatrists. Been in therapy on and off since I was 15. The last time I was in therapy it made things even worse since I have a tendency to be in my head all the time, therapy just made me think and worry even more.

The irony of it is I'm financially successful, and outwardly appearing successful. Nice house, nice car, money in the bank, etc. All for naught. The stress of maintaining that wears me out also.

I don't know if this is what they call "hypomania", the never wanting to do anything, or co-morbid depression? I'm not sure. I know that I am not sure I can hold on much longer, and am afraid if I can't what it means to my future, and my daughter's future. I am so tired of living a life with no joy, and no desire to do anything at all. My own daughter always wants to do a tickle fight with me, and she's revealed why before, because she wants to see her dad laugh. How sad is that? Nice I get to have my **** life ruin the lives of those I love around me too.

How is it that I can't even get activation for things I like?

I know there are no answers, and no one can help. I guess I just needed to vent on this because I know there are others who probably feel somewhat the same.

"Anhedonia" - see the contained word "hedon" as in "hedonistic"? Anhedonia is the inability to derive pleasure from anything.


Although some of my details are different, your posting reads like my life. And I sure hope there's a way through it, because mine just gets worse. I don't want to wake up. I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. Not suicidal, but nothing to look forward to.


My GF is incredibly supportive, but ironically, her upbeat nature and ability to see goodness in everything just seems to amplify my own inability to see such things.


I figure I'll fade off into the sunset because, honestly, that's about the most vibrant thing I think I'm capable of.
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  #8  
Old 06-05-18, 10:22 AM
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Re: Tired of Everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
What types and kinds of medication have you tried?
I've tried most. Vyvanse, Adderall, Focalin, and am now settled on Dex IR 10mg 3x a day. Also take 30 mg. Escitalopram for anxiety.
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Old 06-05-18, 10:24 AM
The D The D is offline
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Re: Tired of Everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by WheresMyMind View Post
I realized in 2014 that divorce was inevitable. It happened, took forever, only legally signed a few months ago, I was shocked at how little of our net worth I retained, and was shocked again that the order required me to sell the house.


I've had no ambition or desires since that date in 2014 and I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not suicidal, but I most often wonder why I shouldn't just wish to sleep forever.
Can completely relate. Was trying to explain this to someone recently. All I want to do is be shut down. Even for stuff I like doing. It's honestly been mostly this way my entire life.
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Old 06-05-18, 10:26 AM
The D The D is offline
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Re: Tired of Everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by WheresMyMind View Post
"Anhedonia" - see the contained word "hedon" as in "hedonistic"? Anhedonia is the inability to derive pleasure from anything.


Although some of my details are different, your posting reads like my life. And I sure hope there's a way through it, because mine just gets worse. I don't want to wake up. I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. Not suicidal, but nothing to look forward to.


My GF is incredibly supportive, but ironically, her upbeat nature and ability to see goodness in everything just seems to amplify my own inability to see such things.


I figure I'll fade off into the sunset because, honestly, that's about the most vibrant thing I think I'm capable of.
I get it man. I really do. My daughter always wants to tickle fight with me and she told me why recently; because that's really the only time there's a chance I might laugh. How sad for her.
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