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  #1  
Old 06-02-18, 12:27 AM
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little help, is my mother controlling?

this has been a question I have had for a while. I know as a child I was a hellion, I remember the tantrums I had. I've never really talked about this in detail with anyone, it's one of those things, that fine line of was my presense, the way I used to be as a very young kid, did that create the controlling nature of my mom (still can't call her mother, have no problem with my father), am I reading to much into this situation or not. but today is my mom and father's 50th and...

everyone is home but my father, who is working a few towns over currently. My brother, who my sister and I both adore, flew in from LA.

jump to now, my sister is in the next room drunk and crying, my mother is trying to control the cats ( I'm really starting to think is just a tactic used to control us). I can never get a word in edge wise my mom. no matter my expertise in a subject (computers), she will never listen to what I have to say "I can't handle it", I've heard that phrase so many times. even for simple crap, it's always the same, she is always the same, my mom is always the same.

"she waited for our 50th anniversery to get drunk, you don't love your cats (directed at my sister)....

that..... that just sank in.

I've found myself in the past 3 hours navigating the tides, that being, trying to keep myself sane and trying my best to make sure my sister doesn't get the brunt of it, I've had to explain projections to her while she is drunk off her ***, I hate manipulating anyone, but I've told her to tell me that that isn't true, that my mom is wrong, and I'm talking about my sisters kittens... I hope.

1 kitten got out to roam the house and all hell insued. I'm sitting here just thinking to myself, how could a mom do this, her daughter who is obviously hurting, her son, me, that is trying my best to colm things over, and my brother, who flew in from LA, trying to make this as best as we can for our parents.

"it's wrong, she said it's wrong", words my sister said that instantly chilled me to the bone.
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Old 06-02-18, 01:09 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

I can't really tell from your description whether or not your mom is controlling. She does sound maybe a bit overwhelmed. I doubt that your childhood behavior is solely or primarily responsible for your mom's quirks, though.

Explaining projection to someone who's drunk seems like a losing battle. Do you have a sense as to why she got drunk? Is that her normal habit, or does she not deal well with being in the same place as your mom, or did she just celebrate a bit too hard, or...?

I hope things look a little rosier in the morning after everyone's slept...
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Old 06-02-18, 04:55 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

If this is typical, why put up with it?
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Old 06-02-18, 06:25 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

This is a toxic situation. Get you and your sister out of there.

Might sound drastic but I am no contact with my birth family so it seems the logical thing to me.
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Old 06-02-18, 09:00 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

Personally I would decide whether you want to change how your mother and you interact or not. If not, minimize/eliminate interactions, ignore her and her interactions when you have to be around her (see your Dad or siblings), maybe enlist your Dad to run interference.

If you want to try make it better for you and still be "close" (I like lists),
  • make a list of general issues about your ma that you consider unacceptable (not sure of right word).
  • Then list out specific actions your ma has taken as examples of the behavior.
  • Then next to each write out how "you think" your ma should have done it (w/ specifics).
  • Spend some time to get a good comprehensive list.
  • In my case I would have involved my Dad early on to let him know of the plan and get his ideas on how to address and adjusted accordingly.
  • Then share it w/ Mom/Dad and set a time to discuss and that you would appreciate surfacing any issues/problems/concerns they have as well about relationship. Give them enough time to think about it, talk about it, and maybe make a list of their own.
  • Then sit down, review and negotiate. Your goal is to maintain a close relationship w/ your ma, but that is not possible if these listed issue continue. Keep in mind they may have issues w/ your behavior that you are unaware of and expect changes on your part.

GL, -LN
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Old 06-02-18, 06:25 PM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

thanks guys, yesterday was really hard and today I get to go eat with them. I'm already starting to identify more of these hidden controlling behaviors, something I need to talk to my therapist about

I just have to stay calm and stay focused.

the situation affected me and my brother as well, the other day we where having a discussion and my brother said " my job back in La is going to suck", I knew that wasn't true, we where talking about his job last week and he was all kinds of excited about it, so I said to him, " I don't think you are talking about your job are you". then we blew up stuff in star wars battlefront.

last night I got hardly any sleep, I'm trying not to ruminate and doing something my therapist told me to do, that is, to just say everything on my mind. I've gotten out of rumination, I don't want to go back into ruminating mode.

I did have one hell of a dream though. I'm an actor by trade, and the dream was of me not getting the part I wanted, but getting another part, a smaller part. the director told me how to do it, keep it calm and minimalist, I said to hell with it and took the part and made it my own. in the dream when I was on stage I basicly said "**** off" to every toxic person in my life, the town I live in, I said **** off to my town, and I did it with such emotion. the people I could identify as positive people in my life where cheering, the ***-clowns all took me to the side to tell me how my language was inappropriate. I didn't listen, man that was a lucid dream

that was a great dream, heh. I have my own dream, and I think from now on, I'm going to work to make that dream a reality.

I got back from wallmart a few minutes ago saying "my mom's home" and stopping myself, saying , no, I'm home"

the hardest part of this is when people say they got this or that from their parents, I've never been able to say any of that. ughh. they never pushed me, so I have to push myself, they never encouraged the things that I want to do, so I have to encourage myself. atleast I'm getting to the bottom of it, no matter how distressing that is, that will be worth everything.

I just have to keep focused, I'm planning a trip to LA in the middle of the summer, eyes on the prize, the coast.

man, I'm taking this compounded accounting class online, a 3 month semister in 5 weeks and I'm pushing to get the class done sooner. I told mom the other day that I have a test today, she kind of freaked out at the mere mention of that.

I guess why I'm writing this here, is more of a reminder to myself later on to take to therapy.
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Old 06-02-18, 06:36 PM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

Family get togethers are generally hell.and yours doesn't sound fun at all.

Is your sister ok today? Maybe when she's sober you can try the talk about projections.
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Old 06-02-18, 07:19 PM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

ya she's fine, so am I.

she was holding the kittens.
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Old 06-03-18, 05:04 PM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

some more confessions about my mom. again, using this post as more of a reminder, but for those with more experience with this type of thing, well...

there was one time when the family went to eat at a restaurant here in town.

about half way through the meal, my mom starts talking about me, it was when we went down to the gulf at texas, I remember that trip because of the hotel and the dolphins on the beach.

My mom kept asking where that kid went, I wanted to say to her " I'm not a kid anymore, I'm right in front of you", it was like she couldn't see me right in front of her. that's always her line "you kids will always be my kids", I wanted to say to her *after a lot of this in therapy*, update your internal settings, I think I should of been talking to myself.

at the end of dinner she handed me two dogbags and said "do you think you can handle this", I was thinking at the time, ya, why the hell can't I take 2 dogbags home. this was right after one of the therapy sessions where we where talking about intelligence, I wanted to just shout at her, I'm 3+ dev on the IQ chart, what the hell kind of question is this for myself or any other person. ehh, sorry guys, I think I know now why that side of myself has been so hard to accept, my mom is int like myself, it's hard to own an aspect of myself when my controlling (won't go past that because I really don't know) mother has an aspect of that as well (ya I got my int on my mothers side, and that fine line to walk there)

I remember the entire meal was awkward.

the times I have talked about my mom in therapy I've always described myself as walking on eggshells. My father would always stop me and say "just agree with her, it's so much easier". Now I'm starting to understand why my therapist told me "just do your work, ignore everything else except an emergency" I think he was talking specifically about my mom.

He also said, while talking about curiosity, " I can't control you", I think he was starting to wake me up to the notion of who is.

now I'm thinking of the extensions of self thing "my guitar, my phone, my computer, my glasses, my camera", and something my mom said the other day that almost makes me want to puke "everyone eat my cake"

for crying out loud.

My mom Demands attention, something I have brought up in therapy and refuse to do to this day myself. asking for help isn't demanding attention, the mere reason I have to remind myself of that speaks volumes.

even when we are watching movies/netflex (basically the only bond between the three of us I allow), I'll ask her to turn off her phone because it's distracting, even that, it's like she wants to fight about. She uses her phone to just scroll facebook, saying she can pay attention to more than 1 thing at a time, I asked her once, if you can then why do you always need me to explain what is happening in the movie/show, again, that was almost a fight.

that being said, I have to forgive her, even though she will probably never know of this internal battle I've had, that is more for my sake so I don't become her, I'll always love her, but I won't be controlled by her.
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Old 06-03-18, 05:43 PM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

Do you think your mom could have ADHD, too?
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Old 06-04-18, 02:49 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

I am struggling to see or understand how your mom is controlling. Quirky and mom-ish? Maybe but controlling I see completely differently.
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Old 06-04-18, 03:08 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

ya, that's the hard part, am I being too hard or not. I mean it's someone who I love so it's really hard to even accuse them of anything, but at the same time, all of the way's I have described myself and the interactions with her over the years have all been ones of controlling in session.

there are times she can be extremely loving, and other times where I and my sister have both been crying our eyes out, hunched over leaving me to wonder what kind of person can do this.
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Old 06-04-18, 03:49 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I am struggling to see or understand how your mom is controlling. Quirky and mom-ish? Maybe but controlling I see completely differently.
I thought the same thing. Very quirky.
really could she have adhd? the scrolling the phone during the movie.

I have an adult son and that thing with the doggy bags - idk, sometimes that stuff slips out; of course you can "handle" two bags but it's like a language slip up. when you were 6 yrs old, perhaps they were not easy to carry.

I find myself fussing over things like "is that enough left for lunch"? when there are leftovers; of course my son can cook himself something else, or go to the store, if it's not enough. maybe not when he was in middle school, but now, certainly
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Old 06-04-18, 03:56 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

I don't know your family situation well enough to give you specific advice. But speaking generally, manipulative people can instantly recognize strength in others. Right now, you're giving your mom the power over your mood. If you respect yourself, you shouldn't give anyone that power over you.
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Old 06-05-18, 03:03 AM
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Re: little help, is my mother controlling?

Quote:
Originally Posted by namazu View Post
Do you think your mom could have ADHD, too?
I haven't considered this, mainly cause I tend to think my dad has it, but you could be right.

cause ya, I was a hellion, I remember not listening to a lot of people or advice.
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