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  #91  
Old 05-12-11, 02:48 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

i posted on my blog, per shaney's request, and i think that he provided so well for me to be strong and work through the sadness iv'e felt and wanting more time...and wanting to just have a day to run around kelowna with him....

but, you konw...we talked and he said once...i'll endure this for you. and i realized....i'm not going to potentially heap guilt on this man's burden. to go out feeling guilty? ohh...not because i made him feel he should suffer for me **** that! i told him that i KNOW he wouldn't leave a minute before he had to. that i trust his judgment. i believe in him and he's always don't right by me. that i'm so proud of him for being just an incredible person...genuine and loving and for being everything he has ever been...and that he's always been far more than adequate.

and i watched the videos he made and sent just prior, watched all in the order and back to back...and he told me sincerelly....he felt it...he felt my love for him...he didn't have any guilt...i'd made his life wonderful and meaningful in these various ways. and we liistened to music and we twirled and he was a a degree of peace i haven't seen...maybe ever...when he said that he loved me and he did his best to provide for me...and to know he's alwasy twirling withi me and knows i twirl with him.

we inheirited a *****ed out situation...but we did our best...we both were made better by knowing each other. he gave me things i didn't know i wanted, but i'll treasure forever. he knew someone was proud of him and that he was loved by someone who saw all of him...and never turned away. and that he let me witness the life of a loved one so fully...because it wasn't all hospitalization and serious considerations of what really was possible given how rapid and strong the cycling was becominig.

we gave as best we could. and it was enough. and i'm going to listen to at least two of the songs on the playlist and be a hurricane of weeping...you know to the point where you've got a snot situation alongside...that's going to happen still...but less frequently and the love and the delight at having been ...all someone needs...that's somewhere. adn growing.

the upshot is taht yes...hell YES...he was in a really bad way ,..and i'm sure the elatedness taht can come with resolving to act played a role in his being albe to make those videos. but that we went through months of hypo/mania and spent so much time getting to know...seemingly everything about each other...that enable us to get through his hell as long as we did. he wasn't making eye contact with anyone else for more than a second. he couldn't overcome feeling expected by others, but he could sit in hospital and listen to me blather on and know he could just watch.

knowing him has given and will continue to give me great joy and i loved knowing more and more about him and sharing so he'd know me. amd. grieving is a process....tonight...i feel shaney's joy and love and gratitude for having had our time in that sun....and im' going to twirl with him agai afer i hit submit...because i can...and who knows how i'll feel tomorrow\, but feel so very connected to him tonght...so...best to all

Last edited by peripatetic; 05-12-11 at 02:59 AM..
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  #92  
Old 05-12-11, 03:35 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
I dont see any of his writings/blogs as inadequacies or failures I see it as it takes a real strong person to talk about there problems an tribulations and not blame others.Its too bad its too late and people didnt tell him this sooner Im guilty too I didnt go out of my way to try to contact him,got tied up w life but that is still no excuse really.Yeah not too many people in my world understand me.last few days w my mom being on my mind,brother doesnt even talk to me anymore,I feel Like Im gonna lose it.hearing no 1 talk to you is like solitary confinement,sensory deprivation.I thought was strong enough but it breaks you eventually.

back from a twirl and beseech you not to feel guilty if you have an option. this isn't that sort of situation. you never saw him posting about being incapable of inadequate and self-loathing because he was hospitalized when that got going badlyl and not posting on the forums. when the depression sunk in he didn't move around...much at all. he spoke very few words....could go day at a time....he wasn't online. when he was online...you were seeing....mostly...hypo/manic-y eshyl...maybe tilting to this or that side...you can certinaly find some posts/threads where he is heading balls out into mania (sometimes...quite literally).

the problem isn't that he disn't get enough praise. i checked and the onef instance that might help you see what i mean is that he has mentioned that the first time he was hospitalized was...he'd be begging to be thrown out of the car...to be allowed to die. ultimately he showed up at the hospital demanding an MRI to prove he was without a brain....and then he'd be allowed to kill himself like he's been telling everyone he should be.

and the fact is, i have NO idea why he let me in. none. i'm always interested in learning more about someone's experiences...i mean..if i care about you then it follows.... adn i have tons of questions. and he enjoyed talking to me, too, and we loved music and games and all sorts of things...and the photo i put up doesn't do him justice and i know he fouund me quite attactive (as did the whole ****ing forum). i honestly don't know why i reached him (and why he reached me, because he did)so profoundly. but it happened and i'm grateful for it....and i sincerely hope you dont internalize shaney's actions as the result of anythign you did or didn't do. shane made choices, too. grant him taht amount of dignity. he suffered often a hell of a lot ....but nobody here is responsible for shaney's illness or the outcome...but many participated in his joy...which gave him joy. and i am absolutely certain he'd've wished you to focus on the joy you have for him and the fun you had with him.

he hated being in "mixed" states and being down. he wouldn't want you to be thinking of that and associating it with him at all.he'd want you to remember him a a sensitive cheeky and merry prankster (maybe controlling a weather pattern or planet here and there, too, while we're at it).

yes, of course...grieve. but please don't *only* grieve his death....because that means you don't celebrate his life. he's rather you celebrate his life and see that he DID live!
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  #93  
Old 05-12-11, 05:07 AM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

No....
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  #94  
Old 05-12-11, 05:59 AM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
yes, of course...grieve. but please don't *only* grieve his death....because that means you don't celebrate his life. he's rather you celebrate his life and see that he DID live!
We will do that, Peri. Count on that.
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  #95  
Old 05-12-11, 11:11 AM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Some quotes from my Facebook wall that I feel might be pertinent, by the Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius.


"Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good."


"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid."
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  #96  
Old 05-12-11, 01:27 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Awesome post, Keith.
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  #97  
Old 05-12-11, 03:57 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Those who love there life will lose it and those who lose there life will find it
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  #98  
Old 05-12-11, 05:51 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I was listening to this song today. It made me think of Peri and Esh. I hope you dont mind me sharing.
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  #99  
Old 05-12-11, 06:33 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

that's super sweet that you posted a song for us i'll listen to it after posting this

i'd say there are few means of commemorating that are more profound and potentially "momentous" than a gerat twirl. and if there's on e thinig shaney loves...it's "sellign the drama". so, we have a bunch of them there's always a context and whatnot, of coiurse, that buoys one or another to the top. this one had always consistently been on the rotation and i s one my very most favorites:

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  #100  
Old 05-12-11, 06:38 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I never realized how insidious an evil bipolar disorder was until 2 days ago.I heard its even worse when its co morbid w stuff and every generation gets it worse an worse.Vincent van gogh had BP and tragically ended his life too.He wasa brilliant artiste
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  #101  
Old 05-12-11, 07:53 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
I never realized how insidious an evil bipolar disorder was until 2 days ago.I heard its even worse when its co morbid w stuff and every generation gets it worse an worse.Vincent van gogh had BP and tragically ended his life too.He wasa brilliant artiste
I didn't get my mother's, and yes, it's some mean @$$ stuff.
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  #102  
Old 05-12-11, 08:05 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I only just found out today. I am still reeling from the news.
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  #103  
Old 05-12-11, 08:13 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

Quote:
Originally Posted by danelady View Post
I only just found out today. I am still reeling from the news.
i'm so sorry i couldn't figure out a better way than a facebook there's a "barely legal" of shaney up over there, though...so that's kinda fun

love you, rose and he ADORED you
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  #104  
Old 05-12-11, 08:15 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I will write my memories of this good man...but in a day or two.
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Old 05-12-11, 08:25 PM
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Re: eshperiful...in memoriam

I use to think my mom was bipolar till 1 day I called her out on it.Turns out she wasnt mean or BP,I just didnt listen and follow directions:P
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