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  #61  
Old 02-18-14, 05:16 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Originally Posted by Blackstar View Post
I'd like to think that if two people really love and care for each other and want to stay together, they will both be willing to work stuff like this out, for the sake of their relationship.
Sure, of course. What about when only one of them is willing? Then what?
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  #62  
Old 02-18-14, 10:52 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

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Originally Posted by Blackstar View Post
I'd like to think that if two people really love and care for each other and want to stay together, they will both be willing to work stuff like this out, for the sake of their relationship.
I feel like I tried and tried. The thing is, the other partner must be willing to try in return.

If you would go and ask Mrs. Schmidt (not my real name, btw), she would lay 100% of the blame on me for our failed marriage. If you asked her if there are things she could have done better, she would answer with a resounding "no". In her world, she's blameless. I am not exaggerating here. This tells me she's unwilling to admit partial fault and compromise.

In addition, she cites my newly-diagnosed ADD as a major factor for wanting to end our marriage. Even though I am regularly seeing my doctor, counselor and taking medication, it's not enough and the "damage has been done". She also swears up and down that I have asperger's syndrome. I disagree. If anything I have a bit of social anxiety. This tells me she's unwilling to stick by my side largely because of conditions that I may or may not have. "For better or for worse" did not apply to her.

She has a history of what I like to call "grass is greener disorder". If something is not going according to her plan, she'll cut off ties completely and take another route. She has done this many times with former friends, schools, her major, jobs, and now me. It's good to cut out unhealthy people and situations, but she does it to excess.

Anyways, I don't want to continue rambling too much. I've been trying to boil it all down to the essentials and understand the root of the problem. These are three red flags that help explain her unwillingness to salvage our relationship.
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  #63  
Old 02-18-14, 11:30 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I once broke off an engagement. I know that's not at all the same as breaking off a marriage, but I believe the following concept applies to both. Nearly all of my friends were there with hugs, condolences and consolation.. Except for one: he walked right up to me, shook my hand and with a big smile said "congratulations!" Actually he said Mazal Tov.

He was right and I'll never forget that. A broken engagement is far better than a broken marriage. And divorce after 5 months is far better than 5 years. So congratulations! I'll spare you the:"many happy returns." But it sounds like this is for the best.
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  #64  
Old 02-18-14, 12:10 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Being able to trust, respect and be kind to each other is the only way that marriages survive for decades.

Other things are wonderful too; falling madly in love, great sex, sharing goals, values and humor, but ultimately you are a team.

No commitment can survive long term without trust, respect and kindness.

Divorce sucks, but better now than later. My 2nd marriage is wonderful
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  #65  
Old 02-18-14, 12:36 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

The SirSchmidt saga continues! Glad you're getting out. Hope it stays easy. Keep us posted!
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  #66  
Old 02-19-14, 12:00 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SirSchmidt View Post
I feel like I tried and tried.
Anyways, I don't want to continue rambling too much. I've been trying to boil it all down to the essentials and understand the root of the problem. These are three red flags that help explain her unwillingness to salvage our relationship.
Being in the relationship, you'd know if you'd want to stay or not.

I understand that people can fall in love and get married, but be two very different people. After the limerance wears off, they see there's too many gaps to bridge.
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  #67  
Old 02-19-14, 12:09 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

The sad part is that I saw some of these gaps early on. It didn't seem to get in the way of our relationship at the time, so I never thought it would become a larger problem. Sadly I was wrong. Living on our own and with each other brought out the worst. It's gone exponentially downhill since.
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Old 02-19-14, 07:39 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SirSchmidt View Post

In addition, she cites my newly-diagnosed ADD as a major factor for wanting to end our marriage. Even though I am regularly seeing my doctor, counselor and taking medication, it's not enough and the "damage has been done". She also swears up and down that I have asperger's syndrome. I disagree. If anything I have a bit of social anxiety. This tells me she's unwilling to stick by my side largely because of conditions that I may or may not have. "For better or for worse" did not apply to her.
Ugh. Sounds like a "duck and runner". Imagine if something even more serious, like cancer, came along. She probably would have split as quick as could.

*hugs*
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  #69  
Old 02-25-14, 08:11 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Please forgive me but I would be frank with my comment since you asked for some advice. Based on your story even before you got married, you have already gone down the path of constant bickering due to your misgivings. I think if she really loves you, she would have guided you accordingly and motivated you instead of demotivating you all the time with her constant nagging. I have ADHD but I am coping because I befriended people who can help me improve and become a better person. My friendly advice is that you do the same thing. Do not hold on to her when she won't be able to provide you the guidance and patience that you need. Look for someone who can understand your needs, help you out thru the difficult times, give you a gentle shove to keep you going and be there for you no matter what
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  #70  
Old 02-25-14, 10:50 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

Well, I read the first page of replies, but am not going to read the remaining 5 pages of them, so maybe this has already been said.

Your wife's behavior makes me think that she has already moved on, and is just looking (unconsciously probably) for reasons to leave. Maybe she has already found someone else, not in a cheating way (or maybe in a cheating way, who knows?), just someone she works with or sees regularly that she is attracted to and thinks may be a possible love match for her if only she wasn't encumbered by a pesky husband. Or maybe not. But whatever is going on with her, she seems (by your description) to be looking for reasons to be upset or disappointing with you. This is a lose-lose situation.

You have reached the point where you don't show her emotions and keep a blank face all the time and seem to exist in fear of ******* her off in some new and different way, why do you want to preserve this?

If you can't talk to her about it, what exactly do you have with her? Great sex? I would attempt to have an honest conversation with her, and if you can't, then I would move on.

My 2 cents, and that is seriously about what this is worth since I don't know either one of you and am just going by what you have shared.
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Old 02-25-14, 11:38 AM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.



The part that really stuck out to me was her not willing to stand by your side despite your conditions. As if you're unlovable or subhuman or something. It's got to be difficult to see anything "positive" about this situation right now, but it sounds like it could be a blessing in disguise. Her weeding herself out of the picture frees you up to live the rest of your life without the added stress she brought, and maybe you'll find what love really feels like. Good luck with it sir
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Old 02-25-14, 03:15 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

.....How're ya holding up ...??? ...
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  #73  
Old 02-26-14, 03:10 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I'm doing alright. Things are starting to move along now.

My wife and I had one last meeting with our counselor and we came up with a rough idea of what she wants and what I'm willing to give in terms of money/household items. I talked with an attorney last night, and she gave mean idea of how the dissolution will work. She said that my wife is being very unreasonable to ask for wedding money, considering it was spent directly on living expenses during our marriage. However, we both think that if it helps her sign the separation agreement peacefully it's worth every penny.

I'm getting loads of support from my family and friends. It has helped a great deal. I even took a trip to Columbus with a friend just to get away for the weekend. It's the most fun I've had in ages, and I got the best sleep I've experienced in months.

The only difficult part is the slow progress. I'm growing weary of having my wife living in my house. When we're both home the air is thick with tension. She has stopped doing chores of any kind (other than her own dishes) so everything's on me.

Also, last night I was about to head upstairs and heard her talking to someone over the phone. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but I believe she was talking about being "restored" and "relieved" that we are splitting up. I also heard a bit about the car situation, etc.

I don't care how she talks about me when she's outside the house, but I have a serious problem with her gossiping about me in my own home. All the accusations, guilt tripping, name calling and insults toward me has made me very angry, especially when she's around. I've come close to screaming at her and telling her to get the F out of my house, but luckily I have bit my tongue and said nothing. I'm an extremely peaceful and laid back guy, so the fact that I've reached this point is alarming.

Do I let her stay until this blows over, or do I tell her politely to leave?
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  #74  
Old 02-26-14, 03:49 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

damn.... your being heaps progressive good for you!

depends on the antagonism aspect.... interpersonal issues aside.... if she is heading in a somewhat constant direction with proceedings.... a little pain for a few more weeks might be worth it....

if she is likely to chop and change and still in a bit of denial and control..... then getting her out in the smoothest fastest way would be the best thing.... i.e. brainstorming where she can go.... even dropping hints if her friends / family come over....

bare minimum when she is somewhat level headed.... try to discuss her timeframe.... if you get a date.... from a clear progressive discussion... you'd be doing good..... ( edit: your right.... it's not so much of a discussion... just you softly asserting that separating is going to be easier on both when not living together so can she make arrangements... ), but yeah.... with all this legal stuff in the air.... it could be a little tricky..... from how she's acted.... triggering a grab and tear mentality in her could make things alot worse..... just try keep her eyes on what's new for her if poss.... onwards and upwards.... )

failing that..... invite your loudest most obnixious relative or friend to stay for a month
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  #75  
Old 03-11-14, 07:06 PM
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Re: Got married 5 months ago, wife wants to part ways.

I think I need to rant just a bit more, especially after last night. This time though, I have an audio recording of her latest outburst. Part of me wants to post it here so you guys have an idea of what's going on.

We initially agreed to file taxes jointly and get help from a tax advisor. However, a few days later I changed my mind and told her I wished to file mine separately without an advisor to save money.

Last night I asked her if I could have my W2 and other tax documents back (I gave copies to her for the advisor). She refuses to give the paperwork back, stating I "promised" her to file jointly and that we still have an appointment with the advisor. I said I won't be present, or signing any documents which is required in order to file jointly. She still refused and said "tough luck, you aren't getting the documents back".

At this point I left the room, grabbed my audio recorder and sat on the couch. I knew there was more coming.

I had met with my attorney a few weeks ago to get the dissolution paperwork and some guidance. My attorney even found another attorney that would look over the separation agreement on behalf of Mrs Schmidt for a small fee. I kept Mrs Schmidt updated via email as the process went on. It's all pretty simple, and much of that has to do with my diligence in getting the process started. I filled out half of the initial paperwork and gave the other half to her.

As I was sitting on the couch with my audio recorder, she stomped in and claimed that I was a liar about getting her an attorney. I told her the attorney's name was on the paperwork I had handed her two days earlier, and that it would be a small fee she'd have to pay to have the attorney look over the document. She claimed that I was a liar because I agreed to pay for the attorney and court fees, but was making her pay for her own attorney's time. I was advised by my attorney that it's bad form to pay for someone else's attorney. She threw a fit, saying that I am a chronic liar, that I can't be trusted, etc, etc. She yelled, dropped the f bomb a few times, stomped her feet, then packed a small bag and left the house.

She's upset about having to pay a small fee for 1 hour of an attorney's time, while I pick up 85% of the rest of the costs associated with the separation. Not to mention I payed for her latest medical bill out of pocket. She's the one who came to me a month ago and said "I can't afford the attorney I originally had in mind. Can you find one?" Well, I have, and it's still not good enough for her. LOL

I've about had my limit of her nonsense. I'm so close to making her move out immediately. I really don't want it to come to that, but I've got to protect myself somehow. The fact that she stole my tax documents and won't return them is a whole new level of disrespect and it probably won't be long until she starts taking other things that belong to me. I'm not truly free until she signs the separation agreement, which will be written soon.

Anyway, that's all for now.
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