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  #61  
Old 02-20-17, 06:13 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

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Originally Posted by texasbob View Post
This is my first post here. I know this thread is two years old but was the first thing Google came up with and even if no one replies I've got it off my chest. I'm 57, single and have no family.

I feel the same exact way as the OP. This time of year really weighs heavily on me. four years ago yesterday 21 Dec 2010, my dad died, the following year on Thanksgiving morning (2011) my sister died. A few days after Christmas of 2011 I lost an aunt then another aunt four days after her, both my dads sisters.
The first of December this year (2014) an air force buddy I've know for 34 years died suddenly.

I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of living, scratch that, I'm not living I am existing. I still work, enjoy the job I have and really like the guys I work with. Thing which didn't bother me, now leave me feeling raw. I'm not sure I want to seek help or if it would even help me get out of this long running funk.

thanks for listening.
I wonder how Texas Bob is.
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  #62  
Old 02-20-17, 06:57 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

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Originally Posted by sarsar82 View Post
Hi my dear one. I don't know you but I simply do
I am feeling exactly the same
maybe this happened to me for a sundry of reasons, like
1. I am not beautiful (attractive, as a girl)
2. I was fired from university (I was doing fine as a student, yet some assistant made an insult to me and I talked back to her without making any insults, though. She went up to the dean's office and I don't know what she told him as her own side of story that the man, who also used to insult all of us earlier, asked me in a gathering of other students and his assistants, whether to make an apology or to quit. I refused to make apology and I left. incredible! I know. I am writing from Ir*n! even now i am writing with caution)
3. I also had an orthodontics treatment which went wrong and the doctor just made apology (according to his colleagues he made my teeth of the upper jaw protrude by 10 degrees and the lower jaw by 5 degrees. I cried a lot..... over that)
4. I always had the philosophical problem with life (since age 10 when I went to visit a psychiatrist for the first time. I used to repeat my name to find out that it's but an Identity code, as if my real "thing" lays beneath that mask, as if this world is not "real" as if i was not myself anymore. he didn't understand it and asked me sit for an EEG that came out to be quite normal. I can very clearly recall the hard times I literally begged God to let me be my"self" again and he did. I used to stop at some steps while walking up the stairs to check if it is me as the Agent who walks up the stairs. is it me? is it under my own move and control?. It took me a while until the movie MATRIX was made and my dear brother came to me like "hey, this movie is released in the US and it says a similar story). and You believe me? until two years ago, I was exactly studying the same field (Cogntv NrS!!! back then, two years ago, i was just dying because the whole classroom materials and theories were about "conscsnss" by studying which I felt kind of like regurgitating. I had cooked, chewed and devoured every piece of that Kant, Humes, Leibnitz and Berkeley theories, by my own at age 10) 5. I have also lost my trust in psychiatrists. I have also been to psychiatrists once in a while and developed addiction with SSRI+benzodiazepines that turns to be horrible! it started taking the toll when I decided I'd like to wanna taper. by every cut off those pills I had withdrawal symptoms (brain zaps, irritability and agitation) haunting over me. please remember do not try a cold turkey on your pills (do not stop it suddenly, please) it should be tapered very slowly and gradually.
Also psychiatrists try to fix your brain while it is more of the "masking" as you mentioned, the problem
6. I have so much pangs of guilt over my life in the past. I feel so much guilty towards many mates and people. I think this issue has been of a BIG role about my current situation
7. at age 35 I am just a vrgn, yet!!!!!!!!! I don't have any lbdo either. this is partly due to the specific (unique!) culture, as well as my dreams in childhood that made me kind of saturated. I just imagined (in day dreams) to be with every celebrity which i developed a crush for, and those men were always at least two decades my senior in age. so, since i am not beautiful at all I will NEVER get to approach a hndsome man and this disappoints me as well as it made me feel humiliated and down so much so i lost the libdo almost totally

I don't mean that such details should also apply to you. every one of us is well different than the other. However, the outcome turns to be the same. I am exactly in the same thing as yours (so I googled the terms which brought me naturally up to this page) and what happened if you hadn't written this post in 2012? I would feel alone
__________________________________________
this was all about the dark side so far. right?
1. You are not alone. does it alleviate the pain even by a small bit?
2. your problem originates in the philosophy of "being" which is too burdensome to carry, but its symptoms have unfortunately come practically into your daily life. You know it yourself. (you mentioned earlier, "what shall i do to tell these doctors tht my problem is not depression"!!!)
dear dear dear
you have passed the limits of a ground-based brain and have entered a FUZZY universe with one foot on the ground and the other into the sky

before I was fired, i was very happy (as you defined like "ppl who are blind". those who get along well with this zilch null nothing world)
then, this happened followed by a series of failures and discouraging events (plus my looks that is not attractive while I craved for a hand like that one of a "specific celebrity's" to be in my hand. lol. and then i began to break, until now).
several years ago, I was just the same until I asked GOD to give me "LIGHT". then i was motivated, but this time what differs is that I was/am on SSRI/benzo, which don't let me have those motivated times of "high" back. If i tongue this term "high" in the presence of a doctor he would make diagnosis of mania (hence the bipolar, either types I or II). they simply do know that life is just about chemicals out of balance that make all these highs and lows, but they wouldn't make money, should they refuse to admit

I HOPE when I write, you are not feeling bad anymore, I WISH you are GREAT you are feeling great. But whatever however you feel come here and write again. Okay? dear dear dear
Hi sarsar , Thanks so much for the post and the effort you put into writing it. I'm sorry you are struggling as well and I hope your life will get better and easier eventually.

If it's any comfort I'm in a much better place now than I was when I wrote this post . I can't say for sure I'll never be depressed again but for now I'm ok. So yes, I can get better.
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  #63  
Old 02-21-17, 12:43 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

whew .....Fuzzy, I saw the title of this thread and thought oh noes !! our Fuzzy is going through bad times again .....and read the first page, and was so upset about how bad you were feeling ....and then I looked at the date ....oops .....so I skipped to the last page and read that you are doing pretty OK now ...canNOT tell you how glad I was to read that .....

and while I was reading the first page I was wracking my brain for any words of comfort I might give you and was coming up with a bunch of trite and obvious things ....so glad I don't need to tell you to look for joy in the little things....start small and work up ....

and for some reason this popped into my brain .....a song that I find amazing in that the sound guys went all over the world to record these musicians .....and most of them are unknown, just folks who love music, and making music and people who sought them out and braided this together .....( there are about 50 songs by the same sound engineers using many of the same musicians)

the group is called "Song Around the World" this song is "Gimme Shelter"....it's f****** amazing ...

this is my favorite of all the great tunes they do

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Old 02-21-17, 09:45 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

...oops ...I forgot to make the link between music and depression.....when I have been the most depressed, I turn to 2 things .....1) funny critters on youtube, cannot resist cute animals being cute and funny.....
2) music......I don't listen to downer songs, especially when I am down.....I listen to music that uplifts me, whatever the style, and I have wide ranging taste in music.....there is more than just the packaged music of the masses......there are musicians making wonderful music from every corner of the globe......

....( it is the curse of my my life, that I have a really good ear, but have the kind of voice that should only be heard in the shower, and I cannot play an instrument, my fingers cramp up after I get the basics down ....usually a few months after I started playing ....)

....but boy do I appreciate music !
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  #65  
Old 02-22-17, 05:52 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

DEAR PEOPLE, OUR DEAR FUZZY
Hi
I have found this website with some folks poems in it (particularly for children)
the language is Deutsch

http://www.lieder-archiv.de/lieder_sammlung_a.html


You may find it to be hard and useless, since your native language is English.
My own language is not English or Deutsch either. So we would possibly share the same problem with Deutsch texts. okay dear?
So It just helps you get you acquainted with some simple words in Deutsch (also we may use the googletranslate.com website)
It also has the Musical note sheet and the music play button so you can hear to that
I am doing that.
dear Do you know how to play an instrument?
I don't
I just tried to learn some basics on different kind of note signs, in order to get to read these simple sheets of music at that website.
Do you watch cartoons (pink panther, and other new ones)? Do you go out to get some fresh air once in a while?
my problem is I don't even have a job,
I don't watch movies which are produced for the adult age and their BIG frightening world. I have to download some cartoons from youtube (like HEIDI series) and watch them
but listening/watching so much is also problematic and stressful for me
Also I should avoid staying up late at nights
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  #66  
Old 03-19-17, 11:31 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I feel the very same way. I don't want to live with it anymore
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Old 11-11-17, 07:52 PM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

I've struggled with this most of my life. I just don't know how to be happy and I'm sick of struggling. I'm perfectly comfortable with taking meds just so I can feel normal on occasion. With the traumatic childhood I had, I think it's a reasonable compromise. Ya gotta do what you gotta do.
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  #68  
Old 11-12-17, 04:10 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Good or I h, I hope that all of you are doing fine. As for me I woke up this morning feeling tired of living! I feel I’m just existing to survive I don’t feel any happiness or joy in what I daily do and I’m in a state where as my mind is so tired/full that I can’t even come up with great ideas or protects. I just gave up I can’t think I can plan and I can’t set goals like what’s the point I’m never going be able to teach my goals or things won’t go as planned. I just can’t stick to any thing and this has start effecting my daily life with self care, my health and my overal thinking. I have become of the opposite of what I have knowing jumping all the place with great ideas being excited to get started just to end up not finishing so I just sit here all day and do nothing except for cleaning the house, making food because I have my childeren to care of so I can’t neglect them just because I agave up on myself.
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Old 11-12-17, 07:14 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

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Originally Posted by Cat Noir View Post
Good or I h, I hope that all of you are doing fine. As for me I woke up this morning feeling tired of living! I feel Iím just existing to survive I donít feel any happiness or joy in what I daily do and Iím in a state where as my mind is so tired/full that I canít even come up with great ideas or protects. I just gave up I canít think I can plan and I canít set goals like whatís the point Iím never going be able to teach my goals or things wonít go as planned. I just canít stick to any thing and this has start effecting my daily life with self care, my health and my overal thinking. I have become of the opposite of what I have knowing jumping all the place with great ideas being excited to get started just to end up not finishing so I just sit here all day and do nothing except for cleaning the house, making food because I have my childeren to care of so I canít neglect them just because I agave up on myself.
I wont tell you all the same lame things people will say when you feel this way but I will tell you that small successes help. Look at what you are doing. You are keeping up with housework and feeding your kids. Thats good, some peope cant even do that. Now, find one small tiny thing that you can try and do as a goal everyday. Whether thats taking a 10 minute walk, stretching, deep breathing, meditation, reading a book, organizing, something you want to accomplish or make headway on. Decide on a time you will do it and for how long. set a timer and try it and try to do it everyday if you can. assess your progress each week. It really doesnt have to be a huge thing. i was agoraphobic for almost a year. I basically had to give myself exposure treatment on advice from my doctor and therapist. At the time due to my long standing relationship with them both, the therapist actually made a house call and my doctor did phone sessions with me. I had to start with walking four houses down to the corner everyday, and slowly increase it little by little. Then I had to practice driving because I wouldnt go anywhere unless my husband drove. so I would drive around the block everyday. I had to increase that also. It was brutal and I felt like a loser and couldnt explain the fear and anxiety but I did it and slowly I got better.
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Old 11-15-17, 02:19 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

Many days I'm so tired of my life, the way it is, as hard as it is, and as inadequate I feel to deal with it all. I think...well, I never signed up for all this, by this time in my life (I'm 70), things are supposed to get easier, instead, it's gotten increasingly worse. Such a train wreck! I think if I wake up one morning, and DH has gotten really worse, that I won't be able to deal with at all.
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Old 11-15-17, 03:35 AM
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Re: I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of living

"Depression is the inability to imagine a better tomorrow"

That is pretty much my experience when i am depressed. There are periods when i am exhausted and dissappointed in life, that i can't imagine things to get better.

Even when i try then, or pep-talk my way out of it, there is this little voice inside my head that says "don't get your hopes up, it will never be like that"...

One thing i learned though is that wrestling against the depression, using the little energy you have to force yourself out of it, is contraproductive. As long as you have the illusion that you can willpower yourself out of a depression, that it is a choice, you also keep blaiming yourself, harshly. And perhaps that itself was the reason the depression began in the first place.
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