I'm really scared, but determined to fight, and I'm gonna need a lot of help.

[addictedmommy79]

Hi! I new today and this is my first post. I'm so grateful this website exists at this moment. I could write a novel about the nightmare my addiction to adderall has brought me to and so shocked that it could ever happen to me at all...I think Adderall is probably a lifesaver med for people who need it but now unfortunately a little too late, I see I never did...
I need some advice pretty quickly so I'm just going to give you a brief summary of things. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.

I'm a 33 single mom to a sweet little one and recently had to give up custody (my decision) due to not being able to wake up to take her to school on multiple day's.
I was seeing my psychiatrist for anxiety and depression and mentioned my daydreaming and grogginess and he suggested Adderall. I would give anything to go back to moment and slap myself.
I have never taken any kind of stimulant due to fear of panic attacks so didn't or maybe i was in denial, for what ever reason I knew I was taking too much but didn't know until a year in that I was also using them as a escape.
I have been to 2 treatment centers and always relapsed and then like always ended right back in that sleep deprived manic state where you know you need help ASAP.
I haven't slept in 3 days and I was reading this morning about how I might never be the same person again and the 3 times I have tried to come off my ADD meds I sleep or am crying because it feels like I am thinking every thing I have ever done wrong and beating my own brain up with base ball bat.
I have taken very high doses but never had psychosis just light hallucinations of shadows due to sleep depravation. My biggest obstacle is the sleeping around the clock which forced me to finally do the right but completely soul crushing of revering custody so I could get better and give her a chance.
Now, after reading what I read this morning I am scared that because of my abuse my only option is to stay on the meds because off of them was like the worst abyss of darkness I have ever seen, and I've had depression and anxiety for 20 something years probably more. I really tried this last time but everyday the depression got worse and worse and I finally felt like I couldn't go on another day feeling this way. I feel better now except for now I'm going on 3 days no sleep and full of panic from my thoughts imagined what the rest of my life could be reduced to.

If anyone out there has felt this way and can give me any advice or at least guide me to it I would be so very appreciative. I want to fight this with all my might now but I need to know I have a chance of feeling like myself again Adderall free. Thank you for listening....

[crystal8080]

Have you considered going into a treatment facility? Somewhere peaceful to help you?
I hope you feel better soon

[addictedmommy79]

Thanks lady. I'm going to give the everything I have. My life is so sad and full of negative thinking. I miss laughing...

[addictedmommy79]

Thanks for all your kind notes. I would love to go into treatment but no$ or insurance. I live in Atlanta.

[Lunacie]

If the doctor prescribed Adderall and you've been taking it as directed, then
you haven't "abused" the medication and you're probably dependent but
not "addicted."

If Adderall isn't doing the job, maybe a different medication would work
better. Or maybe you need to be re-diagnosed. A lot of people who actually
have Bipolar are mis-diagnosed with ADHD and stimulant meds just make
their problems worse. Or any number of other things, including thyroid problems.

[QueensU_girl]

Please try to find group therapy for survivor women. Your experiences (chronic depression and chronic anxiety) is very common!

The ADD can actually be part of "dissociation".

In fact, if you have Complex PTSD (what is called "DES-NOS" or "disorder of extreme stress") -- in the DSM manual -- Attention/dissociation problems are part of the symptoms!

I am a student in a specialized trauma training program here in Toronto.

[QueensU_girl]

Mindfulness is another treatment (stabilization) that can work. It is often offered in a groups setting.

It is very important to do several weeks (or months) of stabilization before entering therapy for discussing traumatic events.

Often just talking about events can trigger a full body trauma reaction for people (re-living/re-experiencing is a symptom of PTSD, BTW).

Way too many Shrinks don't "get" this...

[addictedmommy79]

Thank you so much for that information. I'm starting DBT at a local hospital in 2 weeks and learning everything I can from this amazing forum will be helpful in talking to my therapist about. I am starting a journal of notes so I may IM u with questions if that's ok with you. Expect to be seeing me around because this forum and support is giving me hope.

[MX2012]

Hello Addictedmommy -- welcome.

If a doctor prescribed this rx, was s/he also monitoring you? How are you getting refills? I am at a bit of a loss. Does your doctor know you are having these reactions?

Others on the forum are more knowledgeable about medications.

You need medical attention. Are there health clinics in your area?

Also, this is a long shot but try to find an AA group or NA group in your area. (Alcoholics Anon or Narcotics Anonymous) Someone there may be able to give you a reference. Plus, these groups are support groups for people with addictions, so you may find support there (they are free).

Good luck, keep posting.

[addictedmommy79]

Mx2012, hi! I know I didnt make it clear. I have been adderall free for a month and was in a crisis clinic for a week, but they released me and I've experienced a hell I didn't know existed since then. I don't have insurance but have a therapy appt in mid July at free clinic. I'm writing a timeline for another member to get feedback. Could I send you it as well? I would love and appreciate your kind concern and feedback.

[EYEFORGOT]

I'm glad you're here mommy79.

We do have an Addiction/Substance Abuse section that is included with our other Co-Existing Conditions forum. I hope these are places you can find some more information and support for your situation.

[Anna3000]

Originally Posted by addictedmommy79

If anyone out there has felt this way and can give me any advice or at least guide me to it I would be so very appreciative. I want to fight this with all my might now but I need to know I have a chance of feeling like myself again Adderall free. Thank you for listening....

Can you get yourself to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting soon - like tomorrow am? You DO have a chance to feel like yourself again - Adderall free!!!!!!! You will see that there are other people out there like you who are doing just that!!!!! Good Luck!!!!

[addictedmommy79]

@Anna3000, your right I definitely am tomorrow. I know of one near me. I always thought NA was for opiates and downers and didn't specialize in stimulants. Thank you for the reminder, it will be a fast form of getting some relief. Thank you...

@eyeforgot - Thank you for your post and yes, i have read and posted there and have not gotten any responses back.I have read a lot of other responses in that sections and I am so confused because I don't know which disorder is doing what or which one to focus on first. The only think I know is I only have ever felt this bad since I started abusing Adderall and then tried to quit. Because my psychiatrist asked me a couple of questions and then handed me the RX I trusted him, he knew my history and knew I had battled with alcohol abuse before. I have never experienced a stimulant other than caffeine and Sudafed I felt good but didn't or was in denial about being high. It's not his fault though, I knew I was taking more than was prescribed and I never told him bc now I needed them for all my new projects, I see now that I don't think I ever had ADD. I think I have clinical depression and the Adderall got me to do so many things that had always overwhelmed me before, I thought I was fixed. Then the crashes came at night and the depression returned, sometimes I took more and didn't sleep for days. That's when my family noticed I was in trouble. I've been in treatment centers 2x in the last year trying to be Adderall free. What I find is that when I get out of treatment my depression and anxiety return so much that I feel like my mind is attacking my mind. I make the choice to return to adderall. This last time I went to a crisis center and was determined to succeed. It's almost been a month now and I'm getting worse. I'm terrified. If I have altered my chemical imbalance more than it was already damaged I don't know how to fix it. A person can lose a leg but think they can be okay so they are. If my mind is to damaged and if I can't produce dopamine I don't know how my mind can help itself. I am so scared. Sleep is my only escape. I feel guilt at extreme levels that won't stop all day and night. I am not suicidal but I am scared I will never be able to function in the world again. I honestly and blindly never knew that Adderall could have any damage except psychosis or heart complications. Because I never had hallucinations or rage and manic behavior I thought the Adderall was not hurting me except for sleep depravation. Now that I realize I am so scared I have ruined my already depressed mind. I feel like I just have to except this new hell world and find a way to function at some level. I keep researching only to find there are so many people out there like me who write here and other places online. Doctors and treatment centers are not focusing enough on this or are unaware of how to treat me and thousands of others. How is it possible if all us are coming to the same conclusion. This is an epidemic and I'm so sad children will have to face this when their older. Hopefully the world will have more knowledge about permanent long term effects of these stimulants. No, matter how bad it is or is going to get Adderall got me here and I wouldn't give one to my worst enemy let alone take one myself. Mental Illness is far worse to me than physical illness. How can I use my mind to fix itself????

[MX2012]

Originally Posted by addictedmommy79

Mx2012, hi! I know I didnt make it clear. I have been adderall free for a month and was in a crisis clinic for a week, but they released me and I've experienced a hell I didn't know existed since then. I don't have insurance but have a therapy appt in mid July at free clinic. I'm writing a timeline for another member to get feedback. Could I send you it as well? I would love and appreciate your kind concern and feedback.

Sure, send me the timeline. hope you are doing better.