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  #1  
Old 01-21-06, 01:36 PM
Roy G Biv Roy G Biv is offline
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Obsessive thought, or legitimate rant?

I understand that obsessive thoughts can be a sidebar to the wonderful world of ADHD. I have one. Remember, I'm wondering if my thought pattern is obsessive here. The body of the post may seem off-topic, but it relates directly to the title of the thread.

My wife, 35, has a Master's Degree in business and is the agency manager in our area for Special Olympics. We've been married eight years and have a 7 year-old daughter. I'm 48-shut up. Remember Bogie and Bacall. Anyway, she's incredibly bright and personable, with a hell of a sense of humor. She also has a reasonably severe case of OCD. She takes 100mg/Prozac daily. She's had bouts of severe depression as well. When she was 12 or 13, she swallowed some rubbing alcohol. Later on, she took Zyprexa(the zombie med)for a while and was actually in a 'contract for safety' for a period of time. Actually, she'll be in that 'contract' the rest of her life. When we were first together, it was obvious to me that something was wrong here. After seeing a program on OCD, I subtly arranged for my wife to see the re-broadcast. She said, "My God-that's me". I've been as supportive as I can, although it can be very difficult at times(as I'm sure it is with me and the ADHD-what a pair!). I've gone to a lot of her sessions with her to learn and to find what my role is.

My wife's parents are Mike and Carol Brady-'squeaky clean'. Her mother is a control Nazi and her father is an accomodating jellyfish. After the rubbing alcohol incident, her mother announced that they would now be too worried to attend their Christmas party. Anyway, after she started her treatment, I suggested she tell her parents and she was petrified. She had broached the subject before, and was met with ridicule from her mother-"You just want to take the pills". So, after numerous unsuccessful attempts, I finally sat down with them myself and explained the situation. Her father listened thoughtfully. Her mother smirked the whole time.

A few months before the onset of my wife's depression, her cousin(on her mother's side)committed suicide. Maybe this was a trigger for her-maybe not. At any rate, it changed our life quite a bit. I'm sure there are situations at home, at work, with friends, with family or even at the grocery store that
make her think, "Is this WORTH it"? On my end, there are STILL times I check behind the shower curtain. I frequently ask her if she's OK. It'll never go away.

A few years ago, it came to light that her father had suffered with bouts of depression. One of his brothers had a serious time with it. My question to her father was, "What were you waiting for"? This, to me, is unfathomable. For YEARS my wife was not only left twisting in the wind, she was/is treated like the family retard. She has two younger sisters. The youngest has gone from a healthy athletic 17 year-old to a bony, waif-like 26 year-old. Her parents(mother, for sure) have been in COMPLETE denial as to any eating disorder. To them, it's something neurological and more noble.

I CANNOT get over the fact that my wife has been left on her own through this whole thing. It was because of HER and her courage that I found my own condition. How could ANY parent let their child fight that battle ALONE when THEY THEMSELF had been down the same road???? (After my diagnosis, I IMMEDIATELY told my daughter-my clone-about it and she said, "No WONDER my boyfriend calls me an ADD witch sometimes"!).

If they'd had cancer would there have been this secrecy?? If one had been diabetic, would they have their children examined? OF COURSE!!!!!

There is, obviously, no cure for what my wife has.

Until I came along she not only went through this alone, vital and perhaps LIFE-SAVING information was kept from her!!!!!

I cannot shake these thoughts. NOTHING in my entire life has disturbed me more. My wife won't stand up for herself(if she was bleeding to death, she'd apologize for getting any on you). To this point, I'm sure her parents see no wrong because they've always behaved this way. I can't stand to even be around them. Never anything important is discussed-always cosmetic fluff.

DO NOT give me any "well, that was a different time" or, "those things weren't talked about then". It's 2006-information is EVERYWHERE, accountability should be as well.

So.....

Obsessive thought, or legitimate rant?

(Thanks for reading, I know it was long. OOOOPS!!! Just made it longer!!)
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Old 01-21-06, 11:48 PM
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Legitimate Rant!

You're not obsessed. You're ****ed Off.

I don't blame you!

There isn't anything I can say that will make you "feel better" about it, but it might help to TRY to keep in mind that it's only been relatively recently that the industry has recognized the biological component of these disorders, much less the general public. There is still a GREAT deal of "snap out of it" attitude out there.

For my parents, who grew up thinking that psychological/psychiatric problems were all about choices and/or bad parenting (and wouldn't THAT be difficult to face for a parent!), even my success with treatment wasn't enough to completely convince them. (I was dx with bipolar disorder about a dozen years ago & have done VERY well on meds.)

While my mother is almost certainly stricken with ADD, the majority of my neurology comes from my father's side. His father was bipolar (never diagnosed, but obvious) and 2 of his brothers seem to struggle with depression. Dad has had problems with depression off and on for decades, but always muddled through. He's also got the attention of gnat. A couple of years ago, after a series of life changes and stressors, my father slowly slid to the bottom and stayed there for months before we could convince him to seek help. Today he takes Paxil and wouldn't give it up for the world. In addition, he preaches modern medicine (and how strong the genetic influence is) to my brothers at the first sign of depression (they are both prone to depression and classic ADD).


My point is this: denial is a very powerful defense mechanism that allows some people to function when guilt would likely cripple them. Your in-laws won't likely change, and it doesn't matter because you can't change the past.

It sounds to me like you have a great relationship with your wife and it CERTAINLY comes through in your post that you love her madly. She's obviously successful in many ways and wouldn't be the person she is today without the challenges she faced growing up.

She's lucky to have you, but, then again, she chose you (so it's not all luck!).
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Old 01-22-06, 12:43 AM
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I would honestly say it both.

While it is a legitimate rant you have to accept there is nothing you can do to change the past. Hard I know, I've been down that road myself and with my husband's family.

But, you can make a difference in your wife's today and her future. You can be a positive, reliable partner. I'm trying to make sense but I've been up for 20 hours--16 of them spent at work so forgive me.

I'm ADHD/OCD/Depression/PTSD. Fun combo huh? lol

I've swallowed pills when I was younger, just couldn't stand one more day. The thought of having to wake up in the morning was just more then I could bear. While I regret that choice, I'm lucky enough to have survived and learned a very valuable lesson...no matter how bad today is, it won't last forever.

My husband sounds very much like your wife. I think he'd bleed to death before he asked for help for fear of being a bother. His mother treats him badly and I've learned to either act as a buffer or to simply be the one to announce we're leaving. He realizes I do it in his defence and is quick to act when I say "thats it we're leaving, we'll be back when you learn how to act like a mother." I'm sure it can be said in a much more tolerant manner but I've run out of energy where that woman is concerned.

We have an OCD support section in the forums, invite her to join. Not only do we have OCD/Depression in common but I'm married to an ADD'er (recently dx'd) myself and have 3 kids, two of whom have ADHD and I grew up in a strange enviroment as well. O' yea and there's the Special Olympics lol I started working as a temp for a large facility housing mentally handicapped individuals and went to my first Special Olympics~~it was so much fun!!!!! Currently going to school working on my Special Education Cert and RN license. Crazy? YES!!!! I already knew that lol
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Old 01-23-06, 10:32 PM
Roy G Biv Roy G Biv is offline
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Are ALL parents of adults with mental illness in denial?
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Old 01-23-06, 11:24 PM
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There have been a few stories here of parents saying something like, "Of course! Why didn't I think of that?"

I also keep forgetting to tell you how much I love your username, Roy! (I study visual attention & my "pet feature" is color....
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Old 01-24-06, 10:42 AM
Roy G Biv Roy G Biv is offline
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I think it's a usual(not 'normal' in my book)defense mechanism to cover one's own ****. Rather than be instinctually open-minded(a 'fault' both my wife and I share), most people get frightened and run to their 'home page'. People fear things they don't understand. Of course the social stigma regarding ANYTHING to to with a mental disorder ain't gonna push us into peace, love and understanding anytime soon. Denial isn't a river-it's an ocean.

Why is the mindset 'What do I stand to lose' instead of, 'What could I gain'?

I just picked 'Roy G Biv' because it was a familiar referrence. Upon further review, it has a deeper, unintended meaning. One way I describe ADHD(I'm a blend, thank you very much)is 'everything, all the time'. In other words not just one color, but the whole spectrum. I wonder what Freud would have said about THAT?
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Old 01-24-06, 07:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roy G Biv
I wonder what Freud would have said about THAT?
Hmmm. That you have a rainbow fetish?

I don't think Freud knew the meaning of the word "spectrum".....
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