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  #16  
Old 06-27-07, 01:57 PM
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Another thing to say......"Lets go for a walk together"
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  #17  
Old 06-27-07, 07:40 PM
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I really can't stand the whole thing I get from older people and 'tough guys'.

The people who say "Back in my dad, we didn't have ADD - if you were lazy in school and wouldn't sit still we'd just beat your ***. Now you got all these kids doped up on Ritalin and turn them into zombies because you failed as a parent."

and the people who say that ADD doesn't really 'exist' - that it's just an excuse for bad parenting, to get people to force medicate their children, an excuse for laziness, etc.

and the people who say "You have nothing to be depressed about - look how good your life is, how could you be so selfish?" when they don't realize that most depression is clinical/caused by chemical imbalances/etc.

I think it's just general ignorance that annoys me.
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  #18  
Old 06-28-07, 02:23 PM
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I agree with you there ben, and as for these people telling us to "pull yourself together" it ain't all that helpful IMHO. It would be more useful for them to say something along the lines of that they might not understand what it's like but would like to no tmake things worse. From someone who has been at the point of having a rope around my neck ready to end it all, hearing someone say "just snap out of it" is almost like them kicking the chair out from underneath. Very glad that I am SO far away from that point now
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Old 09-27-07, 06:26 AM
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The one I hated the most was people pointing out how wonderful my life was - all it did was make me feel not only depressed, but ungrateful, as well!

Yeah i've always been the good girl but i'm still depressed. Just cause i'm not as messed up as my brother doesn't mean I don't have problems too.

acceptance

ever heard...you'll get over it.aaaahhhh...im in it!!!lol


Hehe, yeah it's pretty hard to get over black holes. They kinda suck you in rather than let you sail over.

crime_scene

I've heard that when I've been (not clinically) depressed and it annoyed the heck out of me even then, so it must be REALLY useless with someone who is seriously depressed.


What exactly is clinical depression? Cause I am pretty sure my mom has had that in the past if not myself as well.


and the people who say "You have nothing to be depressed about - look how good your life is, how could you be so selfish?" when they don't realize that most depression is clinical/caused by chemical imbalances/etc

People are dumb. They should have cupcakes thrown at them. (it's actually quite fun if you've never tried it.)
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  #20  
Old 10-08-07, 05:27 PM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

The most useless thing anyone says to me is "you just worry too much".

What I really want someone to say is "it will be ok".

Just that.
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  #21  
Old 10-09-07, 06:04 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

Hi BusyHermit

People who say "You worry too much" **** me off as much as people who say "it will be OK"

The best thing would be for someone to say.....

"I never thought of it that way..I'm going to go away and do something to help"

I worry for a reason......my kids are going to live in the world we leave behind.

How do I equip them for that?

kilt

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  #22  
Old 10-24-07, 06:33 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

For me its best be be streight about the case and not beat around the bush. I hate people saying its gonna be alright, but they fail to have any idea what its like. You never feel like its gonna be ok. . you think its gonna get worse. I never let anyone know that I am depressed, so I have never really had people try chear me up, and in a way I think I would have jumped if some people did try.
I like to break the situation up to see what can be done and how I can help a depressed person. Its often what you do that helps a person more than what you say.
Do something nice for a depressed person with out saying too much, dont expect a thanx either, they most probably thinking "yeah sure, they are just pretending to be nice". I go for the doing the nice thing without them knowing it was me, that way they know your not expecting praise for your efforts.
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Old 10-24-07, 07:32 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

I should apologise in advance for being so blunt.

The phrase, look at all the good things in your life, you got a nice house in the burbs, nice husband, 2 cars, 2 kids, stay at home mum - why can't you be happy?

That phrase came from my now ex psychologist. Like I said to him, 'so it's my fault that I can't be happy with what I've got' he started to say something, and I said, 'well whose fault is it, if it's not mine' and he didn't answer.

It made me feel so much more depressed than I already was, if I could stop it and be happy then why wouldn't I? I would if I could, I would never choose this way of life, this path of misery.

What a hack he was, and it only took me 12 months and thousands of dollars in therapy to realise it. Me bitter and twisted? You bet. Me depressed? You bet. Know how to fix it? Not a bloody clue or I would have by now...........

Cynical - yes. Depressed right now? Yes. Who gives a toss? No-one I know.
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  #24  
Old 10-24-07, 03:16 PM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

One thing I always hated being told was "this to shall pass." Yeah, right.
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  #25  
Old 10-25-07, 10:52 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

Quote:
Originally Posted by VisualImagery
Don't take it personally-You are really hurting-then hug and hold them.
Try not to be upset by it-I am so sorry this has upset you, how can I help?
It is not so bad-This must feel pretty bad, you are strong, we can get through it together.
oh sh*t....I read the print out..and I thought it was what I SHOULD SAY!!

OOPSSS...what should I say??
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Old 10-25-07, 11:23 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

There are very few people that I talk to about depression, one of my friends and my two sisters. I choose those people because I know that they have been there and would in no way have the insensitivity to say to me "it can't be that bad" "why are you depressed when you have so much to be grateful for in your life" and the like.

All a person can realistically do is listen with an open mind and heart. There is nothing really to be done or said that will make it all go away.

I find that humour can be very uplifitng. In the past it has been a great relief when I was really down and someone said something to make me laugh, even if it was only one short moment.
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  #27  
Old 10-25-07, 01:22 PM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracy H.
oh sh*t....I read the print out..and I thought it was what I SHOULD SAY!!

OOPSSS...what should I say??
Dont say- Don't take it personally
Instead sayYou are really hurting-then hug and hold them.
Dont say Try not to be upset by it

Instead say -I am so sorry this has upset you, how can I help?
Dont say-It is not so bad-

Instead say- This must feel pretty bad, you are strong, we can get through it together.
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Old 11-03-07, 11:54 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

I don't know if this happens outside of England, but if you are walking along a street looking depressed usually a stranger will stop you and say "cheer up, it might never happen", this is the worst thing you can sayto a depressed person
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  #29  
Old 11-03-07, 11:57 AM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

true? yeah thats quite a nasty one.
i hate it when people say ur just using it as an excuse. its like oh nah im upset cuz i want to sit around moping all day.
common sense people...
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Old 02-11-08, 12:12 PM
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Re: What not to say to a depressed person-what to say/do instead

...I know whenever I say something on these forums, it is very unpopular and misunderstood (so why in the world do I keep trying, huh?) but it keeps bothering me, to see so many intelligent and wonderful people struggling and beating themselves up daily...sooo...here I am back with the unpopular opinion that gets me accused of being unsupportive and will probably add to my infraction points.

I have suffered from severe suicidal depression, which has worsened over years. I first tried to commit suicide when I was around 12 or 13 because I had did something I thought let my mother down. I was always the loner, never ever felt I would get what I wanted, constantly rejected, picked on, felt ugly, sarcastic mouth, you name it I felt the reject for it. I probably have some ADHD tendencies too; luckily I had a goal, and I knew what I wanted to be, and I was smart (not always motivated, full of procrastination, but prideful enough to pull stuff out at the last minute to pass whatever I had to) and I had a great supportive mother who I didn't appreciate and always took my anger and sadness out on. My mind was always saying negative affirmations to myself, and no matter how good life was all I could ever see was a cloud of doom and despair. And life was fairly good to me but I couldn't see it!

In my family there is addiction, bipolar, ADD/ADHD. I somehow thought I was above these things, because I was not as bad as some of my family members, mainly because I stay hyperfocused on my career goals, and convinced myself that I was better. Most of my family has genius IQs, but there is something very sick in our minds that has kept most of us from achieving and it does appear to be genetic. I was the "good one", the one who was going to college and going to make it. Meanwhile all the time I was hurting so very much inside, hating life daily, hating people, hating myself...for years. Relationships (ha, what relationships?)=disaster, watching my mother slowly die over a period of years, financial hardship....and the constants jobs while going to school, burning out, physical pain...and in complete denial of how much pain I was in!

And then all that negativity affected the career I worked so hard to achieve! I was told I was just not nice, I needed therapy, I began to burn out, and last year after the death of my sister...I was fired for the first time ever (I used to quit before I'd get fired LOL). I really could have just ended it all right then! But I have my family to help, I have a nephew to raise, and his grandmother...and it's just me. My brother is bipolar and threatened to kill me during an alcoholic rage. The niece who was supposed to raise her brother is ADD and spent all her money on liquor and other foolishness...and proved herself very irresponsible. I've just spent a whole year in severe depression, in anxiety, in fear....scared to find work, sleeping all day, but not a restful type of sleep at all, very lethargic. I wallowed in it...almost over wallowed...until the money started to run out and the fear of I had better get a job became stronger than the other fears.

What gets me through? Well even during my depression I realized I had to make a change in me. I was too worried about what other people thought of me, what they said to me, all the things that had happened to me. I was stuck in the past. I was very hard on myself! I started looking on the internet, anything to help myself, and I realized if I was ever going to feel happiness I was going to have to work for it. That was not a easy thing to say or do. Many days I cried. Many days I thought...Eff it! I don't want to change, there is nothing wrong with the person I am! But slowly the truth crept into my head. I had to try to be positive. I had to have control over my own mind if I was going to have any chance of a good future. I had to let negativity go, let people go who did not have my best interests at heart, and I HAD to change if I was going to survive. "This too shall pass" and it is true! You can't take things personally. Or constantly stay upset and frustrated. It's hard and stressful on your mind and body keeping up those stress hormones. You do have to be okay with who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses. And you do have to keep trying and fighting to be better, not for anyone else but yourself! You really do have to somehow find a way to snap out of it and pull yourself together!! And I know it sounds so hokey LOL, was told the other day right on this forum I spew "buzz phrases" (nothing better to a depressive than feeling like you've offended a bunch of people when you thought you were being helpful, but story of my life...) but you really do have to realize you are not alone in your struggles, you are not alone feeling how you feel! You have to learn when to reach out for help, and when to help yourself.

Life is harsh, it's full of contradictions, it's a lot of simple things that we human beings have made complicated, it's not fair, it's not easy....and in the midst of all of it. it truly is what you make it to be. There will be ups and downs for everyone and things to test all of our spirits and our mettle.

I'll never be Pollyanna type individual. I will still have depressive days but I have learned over the past year to look hard at myself, but after looking, to let go and let it be. To start to love myself. To accept myself. To know what I want for myself. To accept what life hands to me. I meditate some, I pray some, I read a lot of self help, I do whatever I can to stay more positive in my life. I finally found a great job and I see the upswing....and sure there will be future downswings, I already know....but I am doing what is best for me, I am fighting for my well being.

That's what I wish for everyone...the knowledge that the only person who can fight for your wellness is you. You may or may not get help in life, you may or may not hear what you want to hear, and at the end of it all, it's still your mind and your life to take control of, if you want to survive and not only that, but strive to have good things in your life. You do have to find gratitude for what you have. You can't listen to your own excuses and you can't care what other people say to bring you down. You build your own inner core of strength and self love, somehow. The chemicals are imbalanced but can actually be rebalanced naturally, with our thought patterns, and habits.

I don't know...I think people telling other people to find happiness...not such a bad thing. Maybe everyone doesn't say it perfectly but the underlying wish is for your improved state of mind and health and joy in life. I do believe you have to fight depression in yourself, you have to fight ADHD/ADD, you do whatever you need to do! And maybe if you are happy being homeless, alcoholic, alienating your family and friends, on drugs, etc. that's fine too, but if not then you have to find a way to change all of that. I don't know when I turned into the optimistic pessimist. I could only hope someone doesn't pull out the one offensive phrase to pick on. But to be honest, I don't really care if not one person likes me, LOL especially on the internet....I am going to love myself and not worry about anyone else, I want more days of laughter in my life and less sorrow, I want all the good things I know I can have if I change my mindset for a more positive one. Many other people have done it! If Oprah can become the richest female African American billionaire....from a life that started with rape and poverty...it's amazing how much your mind and your spirit can overcome for you when you let it. A big change for me is the fact I know have to raise a child and I cannot let my issues interfere with his safety and well-being, especially since he has ADHD. I am having to learn patience, and to suprress my quick temper, and to become less judgemental.

It's not easy at all, but I keep on with the will to make it through and never give up.

A site that helped me:
great day dot com/motivate

And listening to some Yolanda Adams! don't give up on yourselves. Beat the disorders and don't let them beat you. So many of you have so much potential and intelligence and believe me, it breaks my heart to see you hurt! So please try to do what you can for yourself and understand that people really do care, even if it sounds so trite. Be glad someone actually says to you cheer up, instead of kicking you in the bollocks, snatching your wallet, and taking off LOL...now that would be the perfect end to a depressive's day.

Hold on, press on, stay strong! You can make it through, through depression, through ADD/ADHD, through whatever your particular neurosis may be. No one is normal and everyone is going through something! Physical, emotional, mental...whatever it may be...

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