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  #16  
Old 04-01-18, 04:20 PM
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Re: She left

Oh Sarah I'm so sorry. I don't know why this is happening. I'm not sure how you could have done better. I don't think you could have. I'm sure she will come to her senses eventually. Just let her know that she's always welcome back home. I'm tempted to say welcome her home no questions asked but I don't know if that's a good strategy. I was also tempted to say that teenagers are crazy but maybe what she needs how is to be taken seriously and listened to. I know you've always done that. I'm just thinking aloud really. Typing as I'm thinking.

I wonder could you maybe ask her directly what changes she'd like to see at home? What troubles her at home? What would have to change for her to be happy to move back home?
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Old 04-01-18, 06:30 PM
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Re: She left

This is really heartbreaking, so powerless! At her age it's normal of course to break free from her parents, but no one wants it to happen like this.

I think the best thing you could do, is try not to make yourself crazy by seeing all these troubles on the road, or looking for what went wrong... it's not helpful at this stage for anyone, including yourself. She's not alone and has a roof over her head, so she's relatively safe or safe as can be under these circumstances. One day at a time. Making it harder for her works opposite way, she'll feel it as a hostile attitude and will find not necessarily better ways or even use it to prove her 'right'. I think it's best for now to try not to focus on things like anger, blame or fear, but reach out to her from your loving mother heart, and let her know you might not have reacted the best way, but you are terrified and don't know what to do, yet all that matters for you now is for her to be safe and happy, and you really think that would be at home with her family who knows her best and loves her most... and ask her to let you know as much as she can that she's okay... tell her that you understand she's confused and has certain needs or longings you recognise from her age... and that the door is always open and you hope that you can work this out together asap, even with a 3rd person if that would make her feel better (is there someone she would trust, a relative or familyfriend maybe?), to make sure she doesn't feel a barrier when she's ready to talk or come back. I know it's very very difficult to not know and have no controle, but i think this will be the best way to go, together with not beating yourself up and trust that things will take care of themselves... and i hope that will be very soon!
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Old 04-01-18, 06:50 PM
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Re: She left

I agree that the best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open.

No blaming each other or yourselves, just how can you work together,
can you be a team?
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Old 04-02-18, 07:37 AM
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Re: She left

Sad to say but, something really bad is going to have to happen to snap her out of this mode. I'm assuming she will be arrested....which is NOT the end of the world. For right now I would stop the attempts to get her back. I would let her know she has a safe place if she wants it. She will see any attempts by you at getting her back as proving her point that you guys are toxic and smothering.

Sorry that this isn't more helpful. I know people like Becca. None of this is her doing in her head. She isn't at fault for any of this, its you guys right now that are forcing her to be this way, then it will be her friends that are to blame...at least in her mind. I hope one day she can accept that she made these choices and does't blame others. please keep us posted.
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  #20  
Old 04-02-18, 08:33 AM
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Re: She left

Yesterday while we were at easter at the inlaws she broken into the house. she took her furniture, her prom dress got in the safe and took her ss card. She had to have help. We had her keys so she had to break in. I dont know what to do. I am going to call the officer that Ive been working with and see what he says. I feel so stupid for leaving the house empty that long. She even left the dog outside wandering around. My inlaws are getting on my nerves with things trying to give us advice. I guess Ill see what the office says. Do I want to ruin her life and get her arrested? Will that help? Or will she resent us even more?
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Old 04-02-18, 08:52 AM
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Re: She left

I believe you do need to have her arrested. That behavior can not be tolerated.

I am so sorry but without consequences it will turn into a free for all.
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  #22  
Old 04-02-18, 09:53 AM
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Re: She left

She will resent you, but maybe it would be a good new entree in the situation to have the officer at least talk to her... running away from home is one thing, but breaking in the house is a delict, even when it's her parents house. You could use this act from her, not as a punishment, but as a way to reconnect maybe? Is there someone who could be a third party, and maybe talk together at the police office? And see to it that this doesn't mean 'war', but a cry for help? Are there any familyfriends where she could stay, as a time out, in between not living at home but also not where you don't want her to live? What a mess Sarah, good luck XXX

PS i was your daughter when i was 16, i ran away from home, lived with friends and on the streets, until i was arrested for steeling and a family where i used to babysit took me in their home, and that was a very good thing... because i was still a child and needed care, safety and mostly grownups who understand me so i didn't feel the pressure that i felt at home (i'm not saying that you put pressure on her, but she might experience it like that from where's she at now) and my parents knew at least where i was and that i was okay.
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  #23  
Old 04-02-18, 01:52 PM
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Re: She left

This is heart breaking and I'm sorry you've been going through this. It sounds like what she really wants is more freedom. If you get a chance to talk you her, you could have an opportunity to compromise. Maybe you should make it clear to her that if she wants more freedom, she also has to take on more responsibility. Don't restrict her access to the the car but instead let her use it when she needs to, but tell her she has to pay insurance on it. Maybe take away her curfew, but give her the stipulation that her grades need to not start dropping. Promise her the independence she seems so desperate for, but have her start paying rent (a reasonably small amount of course, just enough to make her be responsible with her money). I had friends during my last year of high school who left home and their parents did similar things which made it all work out in the end. If she wants to be an adult, tell her you'll treat her like an adult. I hope she comes home and you don't have to keep this burden on your mind.
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Old 04-02-18, 03:25 PM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
My inlaws are getting on my nerves with things trying to give us advice. I guess Ill see what the office says. Do I want to ruin her life and get her arrested? Will that help? Or will she resent us even more?
In an ideal world, we wouldn't be judged by our worst moments, but the reality is that we often are judged by our worst moments, and I just don't think your daughter would be well served by having her worst moments become part of the public record for the rest of her life. That could negatively impact employment, professional licensing, housing, credit, etc.

She'll face many more "teachable moments" in her life, but maybe this particular moment isn't the right time for that. She didn't take your money or valuables, just stuff that she could plausibly argue belonged to her. Her actions strike me more as stupid/reckless as opposed to malicious.

You might also want to consider the possibility that your daughter is a conflict seeking type of person who fixates on negative emotions (common in ADHD people). If that's the case, then you escalating the situation by having her arrested could further incite her to engage in even more reckless behaviors.
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  #25  
Old 04-02-18, 03:55 PM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Yesterday while we were at easter at the inlaws she broken into the house. she took her furniture, her prom dress got in the safe and took her ss card. She had to have help. We had her keys so she had to break in. I dont know what to do. I am going to call the officer that Ive been working with and see what he says. I feel so stupid for leaving the house empty that long. She even left the dog outside wandering around. My inlaws are getting on my nerves with things trying to give us advice. I guess Ill see what the office says. Do I want to ruin her life and get her arrested? Will that help? Or will she resent us even more?
I'm not sure if it would ruin her life but she very likely would resent you for it.

She might lose even more trust. I think it's too risky.
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Old 04-03-18, 07:15 AM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Yesterday while we were at easter at the inlaws she broken into the house. she took her furniture, her prom dress got in the safe and took her ss card. She had to have help. We had her keys so she had to break in. I dont know what to do. I am going to call the officer that Ive been working with and see what he says. I feel so stupid for leaving the house empty that long. She even left the dog outside wandering around. My inlaws are getting on my nerves with things trying to give us advice. I guess Ill see what the office says. Do I want to ruin her life and get her arrested? Will that help? Or will she resent us even more?
Did she take anything that wasn't designated as HERS? i understand that our children don't really have anything, since we provide it all. But there is a huge difference in taking things she felt are hers and taking your jewelry or cash or the TV off the living room wall. Please keep that in mind when you talk to the police. If she did take something like the TV then I say throw the book at her, if she only took things that she believed were hers I would let it go....get a security system, but not have her arrested.
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  #27  
Old 04-04-18, 03:31 PM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainSheridan View Post
This is heart breaking and I'm sorry you've been going through this. It sounds like what she really wants is more freedom. If you get a chance to talk you her, you could have an opportunity to compromise. Maybe you should make it clear to her that if she wants more freedom, she also has to take on more responsibility. Don't restrict her access to the the car but instead let her use it when she needs to, but tell her she has to pay insurance on it. Maybe take away her curfew, but give her the stipulation that her grades need to not start dropping. Promise her the independence she seems so desperate for, but have her start paying rent (a reasonably small amount of course, just enough to make her be responsible with her money). I had friends during my last year of high school who left home and their parents did similar things which made it all work out in the end. If she wants to be an adult, tell her you'll treat her like an adult. I hope she comes home and you don't have to keep this burden on your mind.
One of the reasons we took the car back was because her behavior was so erratic we didnt want her to drive around and possibly hurt herself or others. This came out of the blue. And things were going so well. She was being home on time, communicating her whereabouts etc. She has had all the independence she has earned. We had the phone suspended because she was paying for the new phone because her old one broke and now she is not paying for it. She has not blocked me on facebook so when she is on wifi I can see she is still able to use the phone. The suspension is temporary for three months and then we have to pay for the phone whether or not its being used.
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Old 04-04-18, 03:38 PM
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Re: She left

We are not going to have her arrested. The stuff she took was "hers"and giving her a record now that WE force on her is different than her getting arrested for something she gets into out on her own. I talked to the substance abuse counselor today and the school resource officer. He is going to try and talk to her if she goes into school. She took her prom dress so Im praying she plans on going to school and graduating. The counselor and I both feel she's using drugs. Not weed or alcohol but something more than that. When we went to take the car back she had "empty" eyes. Not the stoned type of eyes but empty- maybe its lack of sleep.

Im terrified she will get involved in sex trafficking or something awful like that. She took her ss card from the safe but didnt take any of our valuables. We always keep money in the house and Mark hid that well along with her keys. He also unplugged her spark plugs in the event she did find her keys because she knows nothing about cars and woudnt know what to do.

I am trying to keep it together. The doctor told me she isnt a threat to herself or others so there is no angle there. I hope the officer can talk to her tomorrow. All I want is to talk to her and find out why she is doing this.
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  #29  
Old 04-04-18, 09:48 PM
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Re: She left

Sarah,

You are doing everything--EVERYTHING!!--a loving parent can do ... and I know this will sound corny but ... I've seen case after case ... example after example ... where eventually the parental love and concern had a positive effect on a wayward young person.

But that's no consolation right now when you are worried about her safety ...

So sorry to hear this ...

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Old 04-05-18, 06:56 AM
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Re: She left

I have high hopes she took her SS card because she will need that to get a job. Good call on the spark plugs.

I hope she finds herself soon so she can let you guys back in.
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