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  #31  
Old 04-06-18, 04:53 AM
andyb1205 andyb1205 is offline
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Re: She left

I am so sorry to hear about this and my heart goes out to you and the family. The thing about mental illness and personality disorders is that they prevent the mind from thinking rationally. And ADHD predisposes one to develop such difficulties more so than others. There are too many factors, from interaction of genes with environment, to try to pin point what the cause of her actions is, best not to think about that. But all you can do is think about what you can and can't control and try your best. No doubt drugs can bring out the worst in people and this may very well be the case here. I know for a fact that my brother didn't mean the nasty things and threats he's made towards me, and my father is a whole other story where drug addiction has completely made him forget what's important in life. The old man has called the police on me, twice, in his attempt to manipulate them into scaring me. Simply to shut me off from trying to get him to admit his addiction and seek professional help! He can't exactly beat me to submission these days so he resorted to such pathetic tactics. Mental illness is a nasty beast. From what you've written it appears that your daughter is most definitely not herself right now. Please remember that and stay strong.
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  #32  
Old 04-07-18, 07:01 AM
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Re: She left

Ok, new developments. Met with the school counselor and officer yesterday. Apparently Becca showed up to first period, and then got spooked and left. A teacher asked her how she was and she said "Ive been better" so maybe this new wonderful life she thinks she has is getting old. She told a friend that she didnt know we lost two spring break days due to snow- which makes sense because we didnt find out about that until she left. The counselor had wanted to get her into the office and possibly call me to have her drug tested. Even though she is 18 for the school environment i have to give permission to have her drug tested. The hope there is that she would talk to me and we could try and talk about treatment if she is on anything.

The officer talked about classifying her as a "missing suicidal" meaning she has had previous crisis in the past with suicide attempts and and he said she would be more of a priority. I brought my brother with me and he asked- did we know she wasnt at this girls house for sure? And nope- we dont/didnt. The officer went to the girls'apartment and knocked on the door and she answered! The mother wasnt there and I have no idea if the other B*tches were but she talked with him for about 20 minutes. He told her how worried her family was- she said she knew she had to come home but "I had to try this and make it on my own" she knows it isnt forever and shes not planning to drop out of our lives forever. He said she didnt indicate she was in crisis, or a harm to herself or others and wasnt obviously intoxicated. There's no warrant or anything and its not like the cops can bust in wherever they want to grab her.

So....shes safe for now. And she knows we know where she is. And she attempted school so maybe she wont give up. There has to be drugs and alcohol involved and possibly her meds not right because she was doing so well this was literally out of nowhere.

The only precurser was that she was supposed to be home at 9 and came home at 940. She tried to tell me she got pulled over to yank my heart strings but I told her if she had left on time- even if she had gotten pulled over, she still wouldnt be 40 minutes late. Yes she is 18, and yes it was on;y 940 but thats not the point. She agreed to 9 and was late and I cant let everything slide out of fear. So that P*ssed her off and she stomped up to bed. She left in the middle of that night.

But I wasnt out of line about that I dont think. We agreed on 9 and while it wasnt 1 in the morning she was late and I cant let her manipulate me or lie to get out of everything but is that really something to runaway over?

We are hoping she goes to school monday and the counselor is going to feel her out and see how we can get her to see the light. I want her drug tested. In school its not criminal and we can get her into treatment if need be. The last resort back up worst case scenario plan is to have her picked up for breaking and entering and then I drop the charges so there is no record but I feel like I would only do that if I feared for her safety otherwise it would drive her away I think.

Im doing better the last three days. Its like I had to spend a few days grieving, not showering and crying and then spank my own butt and pick up the pieces because I have a younger daughter and older son and husband that need me. If she isnt even in the freaking house how fair is it to my other kids to let her monopolize my time? I made an appt for family therapy weds. evening. Whether she comes home monday or two months from now or never we need therapy as a family because she has drastically changed the dynamic of the house.

I really appreciate the words of support and seriously keep them coming. Its helpful to know I am doing my best the eyes of kindred spirits. For now you guys are my higher power- its all Ive got and my husband and I can only support ourselves so much before we smother each other.
Love to all. xxxooo
-sweets
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  #33  
Old 04-07-18, 12:38 PM
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Re: She left

So glad to hear she was willing to talk to the school officer and clearly hasn't
cut you totally out of her life forever. Seems like it needs a little time to shake
it all out and see what settles. Hopes and hugs from me.
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  #34  
Old 04-07-18, 01:42 PM
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Re: She left

Great to get the officer to talk to her ... and report that her family is so concerned.

You're doing everything a parent can do ... I really think the officer's words and the meetings with school people are good. The family love and concern has been conveyed ... and that's wonderful ... she's probably negotiating in her head right now about how to reconnect with you guys.

I can't help but wonder if she "slipped" and feels so ashamed about it given what she was put the family through in the past ... Young people have all these issues with "parents" ... God, I know I did ... and one issue is not recognizing how much parents love them ...

See if you can avoid beating yourself up for being distracted. This is an emergency ... and as awkward as it is, right now, it's only human for a parent to be temporarily distracted and a bit distant from the rest of the family. The upside of that is that the other children see how concerned mom is ... They understand ... I think your impulse to reengage with the family is a good one ... but you can cut yourself some slack here ...

The one thing worse than seeing mom preoccupied during a crisis is to not see mom preoccupied during a crisis. Seriously, lots of people feel really strange in a family that pretends like everything is "normal" in the middle of a crisis. Your reaction is aligned with the gravity of the crisis ... and that's healthy for the other children to see--even if you can't be as present with them as you want right now.

Family therapy sounds like a brilliant idea!!!!

Tone
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  #35  
Old 04-07-18, 02:47 PM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
But I wasnt out of line about that I dont think. We agreed on 9 and while it wasnt 1 in the morning she was late and I cant let her manipulate me or lie to get out of everything but is that really something to runaway over?
No, you weren't out of line. It was mutually agreed, so your daughter doesn't have the right to complain. If it wasn't a reasonable expectation, then she shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

Your daughter is making bad decisions right now, but tbh many people her age have made much worse. She's physically safe, and I think she'll eventually come around. Perhaps give her a face saving way to come home, while still communicating to her what the expectations are for her if she is to stay at your home. Just my two cents!
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  #36  
Old 04-07-18, 04:24 PM
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Re: She left

Glad to hear she's safe and that she was willing to talk to the officer. Maybe she just needs time or maybe like tone said she is feeling too ashamed at the moment to come home.

I think you are doing everything right and as much as you can do. Huge hugs. I hope things will look up soon.
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  #37  
Old 04-08-18, 01:59 AM
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Re: She left

I would ask her to come back home, and finish her school, because that is what is most important. Tell her how much you miss her. If she does comeback you will help restore everything to the way it was, no questions asked. Tell her you may have overreacted, that is what parents do. You said she was doing well. Tell her you will help her move out after she graduates, if she wants. It is not the right time for her to move out. She needs to spend her energy on graduating school. Her family needs her. In her mind, she was doing really well. I would not let 40 minutes, come between you both for the rest of your lives. It is not like it was a couple of hours, in her mind. She is 18. It is completely normal to want to develop her independence. Your going to have patients of a saint, and accept that. She might not know it but she needs her family right now. Telling her how selfish she is is only going to make things worse. Even if it is true. You sound like you have a really nice family. Keep your relationship first and foremost, swallow your own pride and take the lead. Ask her to come back. Tell her to stop acting like she is 18. She will say "I am 18". You say, "oh ya".



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  #38  
Old 04-09-18, 07:02 AM
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Re: She left

In my opinion rules are rules! This society has too many people that think the rules don't apply to them. If the kid agreed to be home by 9 then that is when she should have been home. Had she called and said she needed to drop her friend off and kept you updated that would have been different.

With people like this you can't give an inch because they truly do take a mile. it isn't one time that she was late, it isn't one time she took the car without permission, it isn't one time she didn't show up for school. Stay the line Sarah! You are doing exactly what is right. Kids need to know that their parents aren't push overs and that rules are there to protect everyone, even them. This was all triggered by that magical number 18, she will hopefully be over it soon. I swear i didn't really feel like an adult until my late 20's. She will figure out that she doesn't NEED to do this on her own right now.
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  #39  
Old 04-14-18, 12:28 AM
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Re: She left

i don't know that it's appropriate for me to write all of my thoughts out on the open forum because i don't want to invade your privacy. text me, though, if you want to find a time to phone about this and i think you're doing your best.

i also think that you are trying to get in between becca and her mental illness and right now it's winning and as much as you are hurt, it's not about you. she's saying it is when you insert yourself, but she's unwell, sarah. i don't think she's necessarily lying, manipulative, running away, being hostile, empty eyes...that can all be the result of being symptomatic.

all for now. xx


EDIT: i do think, before others think i'm totally wrong... i've been unwell and done similar things. ish. i've run away before i was due to start a course of treatments and tried to spider man out a second story window of my then-house. that's a bad idea, in case you're wondering. i was found in an SF park after having gone missing for over three days. i was just out of my head. m had to come down and identify me. i've been unwell. you've been unwell. (not saying you've done those things, but you've been unwell). she's unwell. i get that it's hard to be the person dealing with the symptoms of another's mental illness, but try to remember what it's like to be the person being dealt with. x
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  #40  
Old 04-14-18, 05:39 AM
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Re: She left

Been meaning to update since I was at the school Tuesday. Her sister Ella asked me to get in touch with the counselor and have her called down. She got down there and talked with the counselor about speaking with Becca because she tried to talk to her between classes and Becca made her feel bad. So they called Becca down. Ella told her how she felt and Becca proceeded to flip the script on her. Told her it was our fault that she couldn't come back. She mentioned being assaulted in our home( she has said she was assaulted by a neighbors's nephew when she was very young an this boy is 2 years older than her- the story has never been consistent and was brought up when she was in trouble for something. Needless to say I got her a trauma therapist- like she asked for and she saw her twice and didn't go back). She said she couldnt live in the house because of it but I can assure and guarantee you that that boy has never set foot in the house. It was inappropriate for her to not validate how Ella was feeling. Anyways, she changed her trauma story and decided to use that experience to influence Ella. Apparently she ran out of the office, got her stuff from class and hid in the bathroom. I got a call from the counselor and they wanted me to come to the school and consent to a drug test.

They found her and made her go back to the office and then I walked in. She flipped out.I did not in anyway confront her or talk about any issues I may have had with her, I was there to support Ella (who was a basket case). Poor Ella started trying to explain Becca's behavior as if it made sense. Becca was agitated and refused to let the nurse check her vitals, refused drug testing stormed out into the waiting area and yelled things like :"this is f-ng ridiculous, f all of you, have a nice life" and went out front I guess to wait for her ride.
The counselor told us to go outside, and just give her a hug and say goodbye. No confronting. Becca was acting really paranoid....said I was having her stalked and followed..said things like "I have eyes and ears everywhere and I know what you are doing, we 'boarded' up the windows so you cant look inside." She told me she had money saved up so thats why she quiet her job ( I know she doesnt) she said she is seeing her own therapist named "stephanie" but had no details to offer and that she has several interviews lined up for another job. As she said these things you could tell she was a liar- its like she couldnt help herself. She was combative, irrational and just not herself. Her ride came and she said I love you has she jumped into the car and drove off. Poor Ella was overcome with grief and screamed "f-you" and her voice was filled with agony. I took her home cause she was devastated and couldnt go back to class.

This was not my daughter. My daughter has never once acted out in school or behaved this way.Never defied orders or rules. Never got so riled up with school staff and officials. She said the only rule she has at that house is that she has to go to school so they pickup and drop her off. As if that makes me feel better.

Wed, Thurs, Friday I got the automatic calls from the school saying that she was absent. So much for that rule. I wish I wouldnt get those calls because it upsets me.

Yesterday I got a text " Your daughter's phone is in the mailbox, have a blessed day" from an unknown number. I ran to the mailbox and there it was and it was a punch in the gut. I have no idea if that number was the mother, the daughter or friend and even though we disabled her phone so that she could only use it on wifi- her returning it hurt so bad. I wasn't ready.
I feel like I am Grieving. Like I have to learn to move on.

We had family therapy wed and it was really good. We are going back Tues. We liked the opportunity to talk as a family. Our homework is to make a list of what it would take to let her back in the house, and what is going to happen if she doesn't come back.

The opinions of the counselor and therapist is that her behavior is a combination of mental health issues with substance abuse issues. You could tell she was on something at the school. She took her medication with her but she will run out and then what?

I wish I did a better job at explaining how she had empty eyes and wasn't the daughter I loved. I did not use that time at the school to get into anything with her one bit. I was there for Ella. I refused to feed into her drama- she expects me to emotionally lose it, so I restrained myself even though my heart is breaking.

Every morning I wake up and feel like the pain is so sharp I cant breathe. Every where I look in my house I see evidence of her. Now every picture is no longer decorative but an actual memory that I am forced to relive just by passing it on the wall or table. I had a decent day yesterday. Met up with friends because sometimes the loneliness is too much to bear and talking with another human helps me. Saw three different friends throughout the day and my brother was around. And I got some yard work done.... then the phone thing really hurt. I cant believe this is my life right now. She says she is an adult and is anything but an adult. She seems to be throwing away her diploma and she wont even speak to me about it.

This is a pain like no other. If I let myself dwell on it longer than a few minutes I am overcome and a sorrow so deep starts to flow from me with tears and sobs.

I never thought a month ago that it would be this way. I do not know what kind of a bottom she needs to hit- or if a bottom even exists. She does not care how many people she has hurt and I know that our relationship will never be the same way again.
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  #41  
Old 04-14-18, 10:05 AM
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Re: She left

(((((Sarah)))))

If Becca had graduated and moved out with your blessing, your relationship
would change. This wasn't a good change, but change is inevitable.

I'm glad the family is pulling together and doing therapy. I hope it helps all of
you navigate this change.

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Old 04-14-18, 04:07 PM
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Re: She left

I'm so sorry Sarah. Huge hugs and much love to you and your family.
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Old 04-16-18, 07:11 AM
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Re: She left

As nice as I can say this, this is her thing right now. You have no part in her thing. Eventually she will need you, when she does don't make it hard on her. Until then, carry on with life and stop trying to track her down and confront her. It only feeds into her delusion that she's ok and you guys are being aggressive. Sorry, but it's all on her now.
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Old 04-16-18, 07:39 AM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
As nice as I can say this, this is her thing right now. You have no part in her thing. Eventually she will need you, when she does don't make it hard on her. Until then, carry on with life and stop trying to track her down and confront her. It only feeds into her delusion that she's ok and you guys are being aggressive. Sorry, but it's all on her now.
Youre right. Family therapy is really helping with that. Honestly, if she showed up on the doorstep tomorrow we are not sure we would just let her back in without certain conditions being met one of which would be a drug test treatment if necessary.......
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Old 04-16-18, 01:32 PM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Youre right. Family therapy is really helping with that. Honestly, if she showed up on the doorstep tomorrow we are not sure we would just let her back in without certain conditions being met one of which would be a drug test treatment if necessary.......
Just a suggestion, if she shows up on your doorstep hug her, tell her you love her, tell her she has 24 hours to get some sleep, eat some food, get her head straight and then you guys are going to have to talk. If she's desperate enough to show up on your doorstep stuff has gone really bad in her life. She will need a minute to adjust and likely won't respond well to a lecture and demand within the first hour....just a thought.
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