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  #1  
Old 04-21-07, 06:05 PM
Wish Wish is offline
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Struggling with a lot of guilt and shame

I was diagnosed with bipolar ii about a week ago. I have been struggling with so much shame and guilt. I've also been extremely unhappy this last month. I have had serious anger issues that I went to see a professional who specializes in anger management for. That helped some but not enough. I would feel out of control when I got angry. It was like I lost self-control and couldn't control my emotions or rage. I would say very hurtful things or tell lies in anger. My anger has scared people before. I never got physically violent; but I would verbally attack people. I can't seem to get beyond this and be happy. I have so much guilt and shame. It is hard to be around others and be happy or try to meet people. I can't seem to be happy and move past what happened before. I am still struggling some with anger. I've been on 25 mg of lamictal for 6 days. I am supposed to increase my dosage and take 50 mg of lamictal after 10 days. Has anyone else struggled with anger issues and intense shame and guilt?
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Old 04-21-07, 07:52 PM
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I can't say that I've had the same anger issues you have, but I've definately struggled with similar guilt and shame issues. Coupled with depression I become incredibly guilty over a lot of issues. I too have recently been diagnosed with bipolarII. I am on my third week of Lamictal and i'm starting to notice the difference. The beginning I didn't see much difference but now i'm definately starting to feel a bit more "even". All I can suggest is hang in there and see how the meds work out.
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Old 04-21-07, 07:59 PM
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Yeah, I hope lamictal helps with the feelings of shame and guilt.
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Old 04-21-07, 08:26 PM
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Wish, when you described your reaction to Wellbutrin, my first thought was Bipolar D.. I don't have it and no one in my family has it, but because of the generous people who post on these forums (you are one of them) I am learning about it.

I smoked cigarettes for thirty-four years before I was finally able to quit - two years after being diagnosed with smoking related lung damage. Do I feel shame and guilt? You betcha, especially when I develop respiratory complications from a simple cold and have to seek medical assistance.

Your diagnosis is brand spanking new and you need time to get used to things. Keep the faith and keep posting.
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Old 04-21-07, 08:37 PM
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Hi, Wish!

LIke Iman...I thought the same thing....about the Wellbutrin issue. And when you and I had our "issue'. I guess I saw some of me in you, but the coorespondence was a little too strained for me to even broach the subject.

One of the reasons for me finally telling my doctor about all of my symptoms , besides not sleeping and getting myself into some financial trouble, was because of my anger. I was always angry, always aggitated. What bothered me the most, was coming home after being at work all day, and getting aggigravated at my young boys, when they rushed in my room and climbed all over me , hugging me and kissing me..and if I told them ok ok that's enough , and they didn't move out of my space..I would yell at them...watching their faces go from happy to see mommy to crushed...it was enough..it was just enough....I hear what you saying ....and yes I can shread a person in 2.5 seconds with my forked tongue. And it's usually those I love the most. I pull out all the "secrets" I know that bother them, and they come spilling out when I am angry hitting the target dead on...So yes I know all about anger, and guilt.

And I can tell you my medication has helped tame some of it, and talking about it with others has helped....and knowing it's not just because I am a horrible b^tch ....helps. It's not gone, but it's better.

Wish , there is hope...don't give up.
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Old 04-21-07, 09:09 PM
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Thank you all for the kind words of support and encouragement. They mean so much to me when I'm going through a difficult time.

I was misdiagnosed as clinically depressed. Through my research on bipolar ii, I've found that people are who are diagnosed with it are often initially misdiagnosed with another disorder. I can see that because a lot of the symptoms of bipolar ii are similar to many other disorders.

Luckily I found a new psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about mood disorders. My old psychiatrist was convinced we should try cymbalta after neither celexa nor lexapro seemed to help me at all. He wasn't open to trying things other than SSRIs. So, I see now why it's so important to find a good psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about bipolar ii.

I can understand why you didn't want to broach the topic before. I doubt I would have if I were you.

I think that part of me has felt like I've been mourning something since I received this dx. In some ways that's true. I found out that there is a genetic component to bipolar ii and that it often runs in families. So, now I'm not sure if I want to have biological children because I know how hellish this disorder can be. I don't know if I could watch my kid go through the same pain and sadness that I have. I also worry about being able to have a child biologically. Everything I've read says that lamictal , and other mood stabilitizers, shouldn't be taken during pregnancy because there's a possibility that it could harm the baby. So, I'm not sure if I could go off of lamictal for 9 months and still be functional. I also read something about being at an increased chance for post-partum psychosis or depression.

How are things with your sons now justhope? I totally know what you mean by realizing it was just enough when they went from happy to crushed. The important thing is that you acknowledge that you don't want to be that way and you love your sons enough to get the help you need.
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Old 04-21-07, 10:28 PM
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Wish....official welcome to the cycling club by the way....It's something that Crazyfeet started over in another thread..she cracks me up. But she and I got dx close together and started Lamictal around the same time, along with Jeaniebug...so we have all kinda been on the journey at the same time....

You sound like me....in the beginning I was terrified, ashamed, relieved, in mourning about ever being able to be "normal" and unmedicated again...
If you want to and haven't read it, you can see the early stages for me...

http://addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=32734 in my thread.
And the poems in the beginning of my blog, which the link below is too, all kind of share the same feelings...Oct, Nov, Dec, Feb all the poems are a succession of what you are speaking of....feel free to see there as well..might help to see what I felt.....We understand over here, you will find quite a bit of support here...from those who have been there for awhile, and those who just began like you....


My son , is a long slow case. His program is coming together and I hope we get to meet his personal case worker in the next week or so. He has just finished his 25mg and will start his first 50mg tomorrow. I hope he feels better after the first week of 50mg like I did. If he feels more balanced it might encourage him to stick with it. He feels very out of control, and has little faith he will ever feel "normal" ...he has been thsi way since he was little. I know how he feels.

I don't know if I would have had kids knowing what I know now...so I understand what you are saying. But although it's painful watching him go through the same things. I think that is the case for parents of "normal" kids, I think that is just part of being a parent.

The good thing about being a parent of a child with any disorder we have passed on, is we understand, and we can talk to them, and get them help wehn they need it, we are also very effective advocates.
And Wish, I have 3 boys, not all of them are BPD. So I guess, I have to back track and say, knowing what i know now, I would still have had them all.
They are the reason, I got help. They are the reason I get up everyday, why I never gave up, slit my wrists, took the pills, drove into oncoming traffic, or ran off to Las Vegas ...just them, the look of love in their eyes when they look at me..and I realize I am thier entire world...

It will get better Wish....it's a long road...but it will get better...Once your tears are done, the hope should return again.
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Old 04-22-07, 12:13 AM
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Another concern of mine is that I like to be able to drink in moderation sometimes. I hate that lamictal is processed through the liver. It's like why does ever medication that seems to help me seem to require me to make some kind of trade off? It really annoys me.
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Old 04-23-07, 10:08 PM
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Well I have never been on anything I couldn't drink on, for very long. I did "forget" about my Lamictal when I was on about 75mg, and went out after work with a few people had a few to many glasses of wine..and came home and acted like a complete and udder idiot. And I don't mean the funny kind either. I have not had more that one beer since then.

If you had told me years ago , when I was still drinking on the weekends, I would have struggled. But now, after all I have suffered not being medicated, and how I acted just that one time. I don't need to drink again ever.
And since I feel more level, I don't even miss it. I hear you though, seems we don't miss things until we are told we can't do them, or we know it's going to be more destructive if we do.
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Old 04-24-07, 12:00 PM
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I was just afraid that the meds were going to interact badly with alcohol. However, my dr said that moderate drinking is ok. I can have a few beers or a glass of wine or two and not be affected.
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Old 04-24-07, 12:46 PM
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I have been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder as well as "hyperactive" since I was a young child and the issues that come up as far as guilt, which "bipolar child" is the basic "demon child" in my case and I guess there isn't much I can do abouit it now except take responsibility for it. The reaction to Wellbutrin in my case was simply a matter of "psychotic delusions"... i.e. Cameras spying on me everywhere, microchips implanted inside of me and alien species all after me because I am special... that is quite a feeling. I guess the guilt and shame is part of the acceptance part but I don't know, I stop taking medication and have become addicted to just about anything, I am obsessive about the past and have been for awhile now so it'll get old like everything else always has. I am a poor example of a "successful outcome" but having bipolar and adhd as a kid usually meant tantrums that most children had were episodes in the case of me.
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Old 04-24-07, 01:27 PM
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Wish, welcome to the cyclying club. I'm a proud new member. A lot of what you are talking about are issues that I am going through as well and just an fyi- justhope, crazyfeet and mspen have been incredible helps and ispiration to me. I am now on my 3rd week of Lamictal and I am definately noticing and feeling it work. I've had 4 days in a row where I feel like my old self. I'm able to work, cope with difficult situations, and more imporantly interact with my family appropriately.

As far as the children thing is concerned that is something that made me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. I have two amazing kids, 3 and 1, and after I was diagnosed and still incredibly depressed I absolutely hatted myself because of the fact that I might have passed this on to them. Although i'm still very concerned about it I must say that 1) there is nothing I can do about it now 2) according to statistics there is only a 15% chance of passing it on (not bad odds if you ask me) 3) i'm learning, albeit slowly, that this is definately an illness that can be treated and you can still live a "normal" life 4) granted kids can be frustrating and difficult at times, but the joy and love they bring me has absolutely helped me and pushed me through all this pain and suffering. If it wasn't for my family i'm not sure I would have ever pursued help and probably would have just drifted off to oblivion.

I know reading a lot of peoples experiences can help to some degree, but i also know they can be frustrating because you want to feel better NOW. The only real advice I can give is try the meds and give it some time and also speak to a dr. frequently and try and work through some of the issues.
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Old 04-24-07, 07:16 PM
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I can say that if you are lucky enough to find a doctor who won't overload you with the bipolar drugs that are higher test... I take 75 mg of depakote and that has helped tremendously compared to the shuffle dose of 3000 mg they gave me as a kid when they tried it, you might find that you need less Lamictal (i get nasty headaches from the Lamictal at 200 mg and depakote at a level much higher than this 1/2 tablet per day deal will make me fat as a whale and I'm a very vain pretty boy so that will make me depressed) . Lower can be better. Hopefully once I start the dex and ritalin again (which will be soon these parenthesis are getting crazy with the side tyrades) I can be low on those too.
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Old 04-29-07, 01:26 AM
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I had the luck of getting the lamictal rash. It was all over my body (I know probably TMI). So needless to say, I'll be finding a new drug.
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Old 04-29-07, 01:27 AM
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Part of the issue with me is that I'm petite. I'm about 5'4 and 105 lbs. So medications often affect me much more than they would affect your average adult.
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