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  #1  
Old 08-01-12, 04:52 PM
itsgonefunny itsgonefunny is offline
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49 and falling...

I'm 49 and self-diagnosed about a month ago.. went to see GP.. now have an appointment at the hospital for proper assessment but not till the 12th November. (I live in the UK you see )
But I know I've got it.
It all started when I was chatting to an ex-boyfriend on Facebook. He is famously unreliable and ineffectual (though lovely with it) and he always claimed it was due to his undiagnosed ADHD. I always thought it was too. So I went all bright and helpful and suggested he tried an online test and I would do it too to keep him company. We did this one: http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
So I zipped through it and waited and waited for him to finish - like, forever.
Finally.. he says
I got 53 and it says there is a moderate chance I have ADHD
I really didn't want to say.. but it was exciting so I did...
I got 71 and it says I should consult a doctor immediately.

So I thought the test must just be rubbish because I did all right at school. Actually I did brilliantly at school.. until it all went wrong.
I started Googling like a mad thing and I saw that it might not be rubbish.

Since then I can't think of anything but ADHD. I have lived my life on the very brink of chaos. Disorganisation, procrastination, impulsiveness, joy and despair in quick succession, brilliant ideas that never get done. Every single night I can't get to sleep because I am so keen to get up and become a better person the next day and I can't wait. Then every day the self-improvement doesn't work. And I go to bed and repeat.

And this is all a secret. I cover it up.

For 2 weeks after the penny dropped I was thrilled. Maybe there was some reason I was like this, and maybe in the circumstances I've done quite well. That would be great. Because I had assumed my enormous lack of progress was because I was just.. well.. can't think of the word.. worthless?

But then I started to fall. In the last few days I have started to believe that I can't go on another day like this. Today I was driving my van around sobbing (v dangerous). I haven't been a sobber for a long long time. I'm cheery happy go lucky me. I think I was sobbing because my life has been a lie.

I needed to talk to someone. So I registered here and told you. Sorry it was a bit long.

Last edited by EYEFORGOT; 08-01-12 at 05:21 PM..
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  #2  
Old 08-01-12, 05:28 PM
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Re: 49 and falling...

Welcome to the forums!

Your story isn't long at all. You sound like many others here.
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Old 08-02-12, 01:25 AM
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Re: 49 and falling...

I agree with BR! I didn't find out until I was well into my 20's and I was relieved but then horrified and sad. You just need to get through this part. Once the dust settles, it will be easier to re-evaluate and get some perspective.
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Old 08-02-12, 02:38 AM
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Re: 49 and falling...

I have no shortage of perspective, it's figuring out what to do with it that I struggle with. Ugh...

But, yeah... I made it through school ok enough because it wasn't really that challenging and teachers were enabling by letting me turn work in late all the time. There were work-arounds, I just failed to notice that I was implementing them.

In hindsight, the give away was how little I did outside of school work. Anytime I joined a club, or a sport, or an xyz, I inevitably dropped it either due to boredom or insufficient time. I can remember being in at least sixth grade and thinking that there wasn't enough time in the day. But, there was enough time to get by and maintain reasonable grades so no one ever realized that anything was wrong, per se.

But lots of things were wrong and I never lived up to my potential, not even close. The problem is, that I'm the only one that realized that and no one listened when I tried to ask for help. My wake up call came during my time training to be a nuclear operator in the US Navy. Once my enlistment was over, I sought out treatment and answers. My initial diagnosis came at 29. I'm 32 now and just starting to eliminate some of the other contributing problems (sleep issues, habit, structure&routine, diet, testing for other LD, etc.). Good luck!
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Old 08-02-12, 04:14 AM
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Re: 49 and falling...

I could have written that (the OP's post) myself; especially the "brink of chaos" and how that was a secret.
self diagnosed at 40. Mostly it was just this huge sense of relief, and that lasted quite a long time ; I thought it would be easier to "fix" my problems than it has been.
but what a difference - I was headed for a nervous breakdown...
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Old 08-02-12, 04:30 PM
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Re: 49 and falling...

Thanks everybody. I am so delighted to be accepted as one of your own. (Part of me still thinks I am making it all up)
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Old 08-03-12, 09:29 AM
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Re: 49 and falling...

I'm a post 40 diagnosis too. Part of me feels cheated and resentful to all the people who should have noticed a lot earlier.

Reading about other folks experiences here has given me a real sense of peace that I am not alone, weird or damaged beyond repair.

Knowing is a huge relief. Waking up and choosing to accept your diagnosis is the challenge. The rest, is the journey we are all making. At least you can check in with people here who are a bit further along the road, and share your gps co-ordinates and experiences with those just starting out.

Stick around and good luck with the appointment
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Old 08-04-12, 09:31 AM
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Re: 49 and falling...

You sound like a history of me - I'm 55 now, figured it out in my late forties. I think you've been grieving...normal, sane, healthy grieving over a loss. It's a loss of the picture you held of yourself, and some of your hopes for the future - that tomorrow you will get up and conquer all ! Not to worry...now that you know, you'll be able to learn some new practices, maybe take some meds, and begin to make headway on some of those lifelong challenges! Plus, you can give yourself a little slack, and forgive yourself.

Life is wierd isn't it, that you can grieve and celebrate the same thing?
Blessings!
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