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Old 08-22-13, 08:15 AM
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God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

From time to time I just loose control and weeks go by in fog and pain. I think this is one of those times. I'm sick of it. I want to go out, get into a fight and get savagely beaten up, just so I can forget about all this for a bit. Occasionally I think about committing a crime so that I'll be put in prison and the government will have to pay for my meals. God, this is sickening. No point to it.

Mind you, this crisis is probably going to fade away eventually without my being imprisoned or hospitalised. Just like always. But I'm sick of it nonetheless.

Where was the f***ing system in all the years of my childhood? Never did my homework, had very few friends, occasionally assaulted people for no reason, screamed and threw stuff around in classes, cried like crazy. God, I had to go to a provincial school in the so-called drug trafficking capital of Israel, with teachers who failed to be transferred anywhere else, didn't I? And I had to have parents who grew up in a culture where going to a psychiatrist was associated with being utterly bananas. Well, no changing the past, be it as sickening as it is. Apparently being awfully clever for a 10 year old means all my problems are just me being difficult.

You know, last year I went to a... Well, they called it a vipassana lesson. No idea what it really was. Anyway, if I recall correctly, the lady told us to close our eyes and think about people who hurt us. It made me sick immediately. Then she guided us through "forgiving" by, I think (fuzzy memory), making us remember different people and actions which we were angry about and "let go of the negative feelings". For the entire 40 minutes I was twitching like a madman (apparently no one noticed, 'cause everyone was told to close their eyes). I finished the session with a firm conclusion: f*** forgiveness. I want to gauge all the b*****ds' eyes with a spoon, feed 'em to them and then pour boiling oil down their throats. I want every classmate to die painfully and all the teachers to be buried alive with fire ants.

This post is so going to bite me in the a***. F*** it, I don't care. Maybe I will set fire to a trash container. It's a favourite pastime of the locals whenever the garbage men go on strike. Nah, I probably won't.
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Old 08-22-13, 08:45 AM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)



No changing the past... Something I too am still trying to learn. It's tough when the past still hurts and threatens to overshadow the present and the future.

You have every right to be angry. Though, I guess, you know that your anger and hatred only hurt you and that if you are consumed by all those who have failed you you are still letting them control your life. I won't ask you to let go of the past just don't let it consume you. Don't let a bad past ruin your future. You have suffered enough, haven't you?

Anyway, I'm talking to myself as much as to you. I can't get over my past either though in my case the only person I can blame is myself. And I don't know how to forgive myself either. What I'm trying to do now is to accept that I've made a terrible, terrible mistake, one which I will always regret and hate myself for but without hating me in all my entirety. Does that make any sense? I mean, I've got every right to hate myself and wish myself all the worst but is that a reason to do it? There's no point in it. It only hurts me more. Not that it's so easy to control. I don't know. Not sure if that made more sense either. Probably not, but it's the best I can come up with (for myself). I'm still trying to find a way to live.

If you can't forgive and forget, then maybe the next best thing is to accept and move on. Or to accept that you can't accept and try to do the best with whatever is left of your life.

And if you are feeling violent towards yourself or anyone else, please get help from a professional. Actually, therapy might be helpful anyway. Not to learn to forgive those who hurt you but to learn how to cope with it. Also, as an aside, anti depressants have helped me to an incredible extent to stop ruminating about the past.

Apologies for sermonising. I just wanted to post a hug initially, but your post struck a chord, in a way.

Anyway,
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Old 08-22-13, 10:33 AM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

Sorry to hear this, i have some violent thoughts myself, but it comes and goes in a matter of days.
I think you really need something to distract your thoughts away from the violent ones, maybe you need to get your aggression out in a ways that won't make a severe damage to anuone (going to the woods screaming and stuff like that).
If you live anywhere near me, maybe we can arrange a fight if you live anywhere near me, i'm also looking for ways to take out my aggression to free up space inside my mind for better thoughts.

Hope you'll get better in a few days
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Old 08-22-13, 03:25 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

I think that to an extent we all experience these kinds of feelings to varying degrees. I don't think I've ever had it quite as bad as you describe, so maybe I can't relate. I think you're very right that asking to forgive and forget is very unreasonable. Even silly.

Fuzzy12 is right - you need to accept and move on. It's not so easy to do, I know. It might be impossible to do it completely.

When I have feelings like that, I always say, "all I have is the rest of my life." It's all anyone has; so why bother about the past. Every once in a while stuff bubbles up and I'll start twitching or my tourrette's will flare up (thank god I don't swear, I just say my daughter's and wife's name over and over.. weird I know) .. then I excuse myself to the can or somewhere, .. then it subsides, and I go about my day.
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Old 08-22-13, 05:05 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

BaalMoom,

Your name doesn't put me off, and your emotions don't scare me.

However, if your emotions scare YOU, then remember that you do not need to be injured to go to a hospital. In fact, if you were with a professional, that person would be required to intervene, in light of your serious ideation about harming yourself or others.

It doesn't matter what your family thinks of psychiatric care. If your violent emotions and/or threatening behavior are out of control, that is every bit as a disease as having your blood sugar or your heart rate out of control.

Please, PLEASE see about getting help from a mental health professional as soon as possible. If necessary, go to an ER, or whatever it's called in Israel.

And keep us posted.
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Old 08-23-13, 04:29 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

Second everything ADDme said.
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Old 08-23-13, 04:34 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

Go to a junk or thrift store and buy some cheap even semi broken dishes. Walk behind your house and smash the sh*t out of them. I guarantee you will feel better.
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Old 08-23-13, 04:48 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

That sounds incredibly satisfying. Pure genius.
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Old 09-05-13, 09:58 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

Oh my days. I don't murder people, and never have. Honest to god.

I'm sorry for neglecting to reply to all of you who've shown concern. I had some pretty bad days followed by... Well, I'm not proud of it, but I have the tendency to neglect anything that remotely resembles a responsibility, and I've started seeing this thread as a chore. That is, if people care, then I must reply, and if I must reply then by Jove I will try my best not to. 'o knows what's going on in my head.

More to the point:

In theory I could commit myself voluntarily to a mental ward, but for reasons I'd rather not talk about I can't. I have some unavoidable duties that require me not to be locked away.

I go mental every time I experience a several day streak of especially low productivity. Next time I see the psychiatrist I'll ask to switch me from Wellbutrin to Ritalin, since Ritalin works quite better for me. (Might take around a month. The public healthcare system operates in a pace most tranquil.) I used to hate the side effects of Ritalin, but I reckon I haven't got much choice any more, have I. I'm sick of experimenting with new drugs. I want to get a job and to take care of the house properly.

I want to clarify I never engage in fighting any more, even when I yearn for it – and as far as I remember I've only ever performed mundane acts of vandalism: mostly drawing on my desk at school... The last time I hit a person was four years ago (and it was a girl as well. Yeah, I know. I broke my glasses as punishment, walked around half blind for three months, and never touched anyone since); I've got considerably more self-restraint nowadays. Though it would be a good idea, I guess, to see a public healthcare therapist till I've got enough money to pay a private one. There's always the risk of them assigning some nitwit to mess with your mind, but I guess I'll take the risk.

As for venting the violence: I'm wary of that. I don't want it to become a habit – there might not always be something to break that shouldn't remain whole, and I certainly don't want to condition myself to fist-fight the anger off.

It disturbs me to think that I have written the OP. I try to be a "not-so-bad-guy", but I still slip. I just want to point out that I'm prone to wild exaggeration, especially when I'm "not well". My childhood wasn't that terrible. I'd like to believe it was, but the truth is I was probably born sort of... off to begin with. Really vindictive and prone to taking offence. I'm a drama queen, I'm afraid. I mean the kids I grew up with weren't nice, but they weren't monsters, and the teachers were often incapable, but they weren't beasts, and my parents have always had very good intentions – they're just incompetent, not abusive. Frankly, I am not a nice person, and I'm not saying that to get your sympathy. Just to clarify the situation.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I'd like to promise I will never loose my mind again and write crazy nonsense, but well... I'll try.

I'm really uncomfortable with this thread.

Oh and Fuzzy, what you wrote makes perfect sense to me–– well, as much as the word "sense" can be applied here. I've been struggling with very similar thoughts. Unfortunately I have no answers, apart from "if I'm not going to kill myself, I might as well not torture myself". Not so cheerful I know. And not very effective, it would seem.
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Old 09-06-13, 05:29 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

I'm sorry to hear all that you're going through. Keep at it in getting help.
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Old 09-08-13, 05:46 PM
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Re: God, it's one of those horrible times again (warning: violent, violent thoughts)

Incredibly disturbing thoughts can be symptoms of numerous Neuropsychiatric illnesses(including Parkinson's disease)! OCD,Depression, Bi-polar disorder, Schizophrenia, PTSD, & also Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder(ADHD).

Many people on these forums can relate. I've certainly had my fair share of disturbing thoughts & impulses. Hopefully, your on medication & it's working for you. Even then though these thoughts most likely will still rare there ugly head. But at least medication can offer some relief!
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