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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

View Poll Results: which is worse? Emotional abuse, physical abuse or are they equally as bad?
emotional abuse 17 65.38%
physical abuse 1 3.85%
they are equally as bad 7 26.92%
Abuse is great. I'm a professional. 1 3.85%
Voters: 26. You may not vote on this poll

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  #31  
Old 02-19-17, 10:27 PM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I didn't vote.

IMO, I think it depends on the individual situation and circumstances.

Having survived 10 years of daily emotional abuse / harassment at the hands of my (then) 20 year professional

colleagues and (supposed) "friends," which eventually resulted in my stroke in July 2013, due to my refusal to

back down on their failure to follow the published guidelines for diagnosing / treating ADHD, I can only say that

NEITHER type (of abuse) will ever define who you are as a person

Hope that helps some


tc

Robert
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  #32  
Old 02-19-17, 11:30 PM
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Maybe Like Light and Matter It's All Relative

As mildadhd and others have said, it seems plausible to me that in cognitive terms--and especially at younger ages-- physical, emotional, verbal abuse may all merge somewhere in the Fight/Flight/Freeze responses, the HPA axis, and, according to recent research on early life (including prenatal) adversity, certain permanent epigenetic changes to the way your body responds to stress.

If true, no wonder it never leaves you. Over-arousal in certain areas and with distinctive biochemical signatures (also perhaps with underdevelopment in other areas) thereafter literally become hard-wired in the affected individual.

Individuals who have experienced early-life adversity (ELA), such as childhood abuse, parental neglect, and prenatal adversity, display increased rates of anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and suicidal behaviors... Anxious and impulsive/aggressive traits are also more frequently observed among those who have experienced childhood abuse... Changes resulting from adverse experiences in childhood may confer characteristics that could increase chances of survival (e.g., increased anxiety), but that become maladaptive as the environment changes throughout the lifespan.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5106862/ 2016, "Investigating Epigenetic Consequences of Early Life Adversity"

I don't know whether anyone has posted this line of research, and I don't know whether it might offer any comfort or insight to those who struggle with the fallout of abuse, which appears to be similar regardless of whether the "insult" was physical or verbal. But reading the bolded part above about how "anxiety" might contribute to a child's survival, it certainly filled me with sorrow and compassion for the indelible mark left on a person's neuroendocrine system by early trauma. To the extent people need to forgive themselves for their inability to self-regulate and put the past behind them, maybe cold science in this case is offering some real validation.
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  #33  
Old 02-20-17, 01:24 AM
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Re: Maybe Like Light and Matter It's All Relative

Quote:
Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox View Post
To the extent people need to forgive themselves for their inability to self-regulate and put the past behind them, maybe cold science in this case is offering some real validation.
I know about the HPA axis, and I know why I react to stress the way I do.

I have nothing to forgive myself for, and for sure, the past casts an eternal shadow in that I am forever changed.

Knowing the how and why is just that. It's not even a cold comfort.


Cheers,
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  #34  
Old 02-20-17, 02:57 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I think it's important to note that when there is physical abuse, there is almost always emotional abuse coming from the same abuser.
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  #35  
Old 02-20-17, 04:43 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

... and there are so many variations in the way people might abuse one another that judging one "type" of abuse over another "type" is probably only valid for the individual doing the judging.
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  #36  
Old 02-20-17, 05:30 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

For the record, this post was one I made in 2013. I havent re-read it but I bet I have different thoughts about it now.
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  #37  
Old 02-20-17, 02:32 PM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
For the record, this post was one I made in 2013. I havent re-read it but I bet I have different thoughts about it now.
I'm sure I'm not the only one interested in how your thinking about this topic may have changed. Let us know, when you have time.
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  #38  
Old 02-20-17, 04:55 PM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

And seriously, who voted for "abuse is great"?
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  #39  
Old 02-21-17, 07:29 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 20thcenturyfox View Post
I'm sure I'm not the only one interested in how your thinking about this topic may have changed. Let us know, when you have time.
OMG! I only read my OP for now and will go through the rest later but it was my newly sober mouth working then and not much by the way of my head. Its true that I am direct, blunt and sarcastic sometimes and yes, I mostly do not take any *********, but certainly not in the way I was going on in the OP! I had been sober like 7 months and was still having night sweats, shakes and mood issues, combined with cravings and newly formed behavior changes. I was hanging on to AA because it was working but hadnt experienced the "psychic change" yet and thought I knew everything.
Newly sober alcoholics are still self absorbed and a little selfish although not out of malice. We think that we deserve and award for not drinking and everyone needs to hear it, know it and we deserve and award for making it. This is different from encouragement.

I was still thinking of my own struggles which is very common and not ready to think outside myself. Desperate for answers I began to examine every single thing that contributed to my alcoholism and felt the need to share what I thought it was, how I thought it affected me and how I was fixing it.

Such baby steps.....

I cant believe I made a poll about this! Like how the F do you even compare the two and WTF was I saying about my "healing"? It was a self righteous soap-box style hidden inside rant- but I tried to make it look like it was self discovery instead of calling it a rant.
I probably triggered people with no warning or apologies.

I am not the same person thank God. I believe I am very different in fact. My tolerance and patience as gone way up, along with my compassion and empathy.
And btw I am not trying to stroke my ego here, just sharing about what how 4 years and honesty can change a person.
I was so annoyed that Lloyd dragged this up but now I am grateful. I get to see that everyone(including me) has a little touch of as*hole in them- and am able to see my progress and explain to members how I am a much better person now.
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  #40  
Old 02-21-17, 07:36 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I sense the change in people over the years as they interact on the board. It's amazing.

I often mention my experience of this board when I'm talking to therapists and mental health professionals. Change doesn't have to mean meds or face to face therapy...... there are alternatives......
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  #41  
Old 02-21-17, 09:32 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

......Sarah, ....you are one of the bravest people I know ......( of course, bravery comes from facing your fears, not...not having fears) .....and you face up to yourself ...wait gotta figure out what I mean by that .....ok you're not perfect, no one is.....but you face the parts of you that you're not ok with head on ......it's one of the things that I admire most about you ......


.......When it comes to abuse, for most of my life, until I got married ( & I was 42 when I married) .....I did lead a charmed life .....any negative things, actions, or words I suffered were of the mildest kind ......and because of that, while the emotional and mental abuse I took from my ex. was pretty bad there for the last years of our relationship, and it did affect me for a few years after......I was able to swing back to my old self, my "real" self without much permanent damage, because of that early charmed life .....I had had so many years of acceptance, and support.....that I had a strong sense of self-worth.....

......I hold a deep and unrelenting hatred for those who abuse others, with the greatest hatred for those who abuse children in any way ......there's just no excuse for hurting children "on purpose" ...and I put that in quotes, because there are times when some people are so clueless that they do not understand that what they are saying or doing to try to help their children, is doing the exact opposite.....child rearing has turned around 180 degrees from the way children used to be raised ......

.....So quite a lot of people really don't put thought into raising their kids.....they just do what has been done to them, they are not self-aware enough to challenge the way they were raised.....I also suspect that people tend to think that everyone was raised the way they were .....

.....the other thought I have on the subject is that there are a lot of stupid people out there.....a LOT.....and stupid people behave stupidly .....I would have to assign some abuse to flat out being stupid, not knowing any better.....it doesn't excuse it, but it does explain some of it ....


......what upsets me is the stories I have heard over the years, of the way so many people were raised in horrific families.....I couldn't have begun to imagine what goes on in some families.....when I was 18, I met a girl who was deaf in one ear, from having her head slammed against the wall , that was her mother, ( a huge woman) ...and an S curve in her spine from being kicked in the tailbone by her step father....my friend was of average height, but a very slight build, so it wasn't hard to do her permanent damage......

......I was deeply shocked.....I could not believe that there were parents out there who treated their children that way ....and over the years I have heard more stories like hers.....

....Then there are the stories I have read here......so many are heartbreaking .....the cruelty of humans to humans, much less members of their own family, just plain boggles my mind .....I understand thoughtlessness, we are all prone to that, and perhaps a few words of anger upon occasion, no one is perfect, and I know that we all slip on occasion.....but I am talking about flat out cruelty, the kind that frankly, I would only visit upon people who behave that way in the first place .....

.....well S***, it seems like I am still a hippie, peace and love, folks .....peace and love....
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  #42  
Old 02-21-17, 02:36 PM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

The scars in which I have inflicted upon myself.
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  #43  
Old 03-29-17, 05:42 AM
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Unhappy Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I would say emotional abuse is worse, however in a physically abusive situation there is also
emotional abuse. An abuser blames you for "making him do it" cause ur stupid or don't do what he says..etc. Convinces you that you are worthless "who would ever want you" and so on....so I guess i'd have to say physical as i've never heard of an incident of domestic abuse (physical) without psychological & emotional abuse as well.
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Old 03-29-17, 09:32 AM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I am so ashamed of how I asked and worded this. How insensitive and ridiculous. I had either just gotten sober or was on the brink of getting sober and I hadnt learned how to work on those alcoholic personality flaws yet. I was just so happy to be able to stop the actual drinking, I didnt care or wasnt ready to tackle the rest. You couldnt have told me that then though, I thought I knew everything
Well I am a different person now.
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Old 04-27-17, 05:46 PM
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Re: The scars from physical and emotional abuse-which are worse?

I think emotional abuse is always more damaging.
Physical heals.
Emotional last a life time.
I've been emotionally and physically abused.
I would choose physical, my sense of self.. I never want to beat messed with. It's what rules you.
If they break you mentally you will have a hard time getting back up... your spirit is more important to me.
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