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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #16  
Old 01-01-17, 01:29 AM
Letching Gray Letching Gray is offline
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

I asked dad to read Driven To Distraction. He'd leveled me with criticism my entire life for not trying in school. As a Harvard man, I thought Hallowell's credentials would satisfy his demand for scholarship when evaluating the merits of some "new" condition. I had broken off ties with him for years but told him if he'd read that book, I'd visit him.

It took him about a year. When we sat down for the first time in many years, he said he realized that HE in fact had some of the characteristics of ADHD. Didn't mention me. Typical of him and his alcoholic ego.

I helped him out regularly for several years after that and before he graduated to the next dimension. He made Saul of Tarsus look like the Cowardly Lion. He crossed that river and made it ashore in the nick of time.

I had practically worshiped him growing up and pleasing him was my raison d'Ítre.

Eventually it dawned on me that I really didn't like him that much. I've been free of needing his approval for quite some time and it is a blessing.
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  #17  
Old 01-01-17, 10:11 AM
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
It took him about a year. When we sat down for the first time in many years, he said he realized that HE in fact had some of the characteristics of ADHD. Didn't mention me. Typical of him and his alcoholic ego.
If he really is an alcoholic and not in recovery then his ego will never get smaller. Untreated alcoholics and even some of us in recovery need to remember that its not all about us- that the world doesnt spin on its axis because of us.
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Old 01-05-17, 01:26 PM
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

Thanks all for the advice, very much appreciated.

It feels different now compared to when I started this topic. This might be because of the start of the new year, holiday stress is almost over etc. And/or because of my mom kind of opened up and seeking contact. Am I not judging them to hard?

It's complex to get all these things and patterns of the past in clear sight. Things that aren't often very obvious in the first place in case of passive aggressiveness. Combine that with a household full of ADHD and all problems that come with it and there you have a nice blurry cocktail of confused memories. I'm also aware that being emotional unstable now and back then makes it even harder if not impossible to process all of this.

It drives me nuts. Something in me says I have to leave it like this, at least for a while. To protect myself and my family. But the 'everything resolves in love' thing tends to take over. I want to be able to look myself in the eyes in a few years not regretting this. And then there's the good intentions bad intentions thing. They might be gone soon and yadayada hop on the unstoppable train.

I asked my brother to read something about passive aggressiveness, and if he recognized something. First thing he said was "I'm totally passive aggressive!". I did not expect him to say that. Very honest and very true, the more I think about it. It's not hard to imagine that I had/have a lot of issues with him too. Well, I too clearly recognize some of the aspects in my own behavior. For who am I to judge when I walk imperfectly. This is killing me, it's too much

This line of Letching Gray echoes in my head now; "I've been free of needing his approval for quite some time and it is a blessing." Thanks for that (in a positive way!).

Much love.
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Old 04-24-17, 12:36 AM
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

On the way home from a visit with my dad, as an adult, I would be all torn up inside. A brief visit with him and I'd become a basket case. He meant so much to me and I had never earned his approval (except in sports).

Deep down I pitied him and wanted to make everything causing him pain to go away. I wasn't conscious of this, not that I could express in words, anyway. And I didn't let go of that burden until many, many years later. I wasn't aware of it. but it pushed me into being his whipping post. I loved him so much, like a loyal Labrador, he could mistreat me and I stayed by his side. Like when Mr. Grower hit George Bailey on his sore ear, I knew he didn't mean it. I knew he was hurting real bad inside.

This surfaced during treatment. As a little boy I sensed his deep pain and it automatically became my responsibility, my life, to make everything okay, as if I was the parent, emotionally. Whew. I held onto that like a pitbull chewing on fresh steak.
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Old 04-24-17, 08:52 AM
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

My entire life was ground into mushed meat because I tried to make him well, I loved him so much. No one ever saw things that way. Even me. I didn't know it was the little fella in me who refused to let him suffer, not without trying to save him all those years. Funny, with all we think we know about ourselves and others, something like that was never seen for what it was. He thought I hated him, and I did that, too.
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Old 04-28-17, 07:37 AM
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Re: Emotional issues and issues with parents

Sometimes I allow myself to see my life from a different perspective than I normally have.

Because, well, afterall, loved ones are dead. Youth is gone. Old friends are long gone. Old times are all over. Can never reach back in time and live there ever again. Time is short. All that's past is just held inside my mind and heart. It all went so fast. Why can't I dive back in? Why can't I be 14 again, with the goofiness and fun and friends that made life so vivid and worthwhile?

At times the memories of those days are so real it is breathtaking, even scary. They are right there in my mind's eye, vivid enough I can almost be right there. Only "time" separates me from being there, again. Just orbits around a star somewhere in a vast universe. Just moments ago really- on the big clock that's been ticking for 14 billion years. What's to make of all this? The smiles and skies and sweat and light and pimples and hairstyles and clothing and words expressed and walking and beeping the car horn and lifting weights and our kitchen. Why can't I go back there and live again? Why is everything past all gone? Where is the past? Why is it gone forever? Where did it go? What does any of it mean? People were there and they are gone, they left and they can't be found.
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