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Old 09-22-13, 11:02 PM
Bubblebuble Bubblebuble is offline
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Is it really over? Or an episode?

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He pursued me as he liked a lot of my beliefs, morals and relationship values. We have a very good base.

After 6 months he insisted we move in together as it would be difficult to spend time together as I am going through a 2 year job transition which requires me to work evenings along with studying and we both have children.

We had our ups and downs but things were pretty good. I felt it was too soon but he insisted I was the one and he dated enough the last 5 years after his marriage dissolved that I was different and he just knew.

We both agreed its hard to find the same base beliefs and fundamentals in a partner that we have. We bought a brand new house together 6 months ago.

He suffers from a form of depression/anxiety/ADHD and takes meds daily for this).

Soon after moving in I noticed his mood swings. He'd become irritable at me and the kids for days. I'd stay pleasant and he would snap out if it.

It eventually got worse where it would last more days and he would be rude and very demanding and argumentative. As a rule I try to control myself but eventually I participated in the poor behavior and would argue back.

We developed a cycle. At one point I was feeling I had enough and was looking into selling our house.

He was upset and said we made a huge commitment when we bought the house and he would never have moved his kids and blend our family if it wasn't forever and he was sorry and would work on himself and how could I just give up... He brought up that I complain a lot about life and work and this had to improve as well as it contributed to his moods.

I thought about what he said and he was making a noticeable effort. We moved forward.

With my 2 jobs he was very supportive. I would get down and frustrated. He would remind me that there's a goal in mind and it's not forever and to hang in there and he understands. He told me it was draining him when I wasn't happy and that he didn't like this about me.

I thought I was making an effort at the time and now realize my efforts were not what they should've been. We were both fueling each other.

I know now it was wrong but when he'd get in his moods I'd tell him maybe we should break up as we are not happy a lot of the time. This would snap him out of it. He would again tell me his commitment and that things will improve and he will as well. all relationships have problems and it's easier to fix what you have. That we are still adjusting. This went on a few times.

One week I told him let's see how the week goes and then talk. We had a really good week together. No moods. balanced our time better etc.

On the weekend I was very stressed about $ and was very miserable. My man was really bothered by my behavior and avoided me all weekend and slept a lot. By Sunday evening out of the blue he said you want it done, I agree. I'm done and said he can't put up with how I handle stress. I thought it was out of anger at first and a mood so I didn't react.

I realized that night he was serious when he told his parents and asked to stay with them for space. I told him I know I said let's wait the week but we had a great week! Why now!!

He agreed that he'd reconsider after a week apart and for us to write down the pros and cons and we'd discuss them.

At first I was angry and blamed our problems on him (in writing not to him) but at the end of week it was suddenly clear on my faults too. I realized what my complaining and negativity was doing and my contribution to this. After a week apart I realized I don't ever want to leave him as I love the good in him and can accept the bad which is the moods.

While he was gone I didn't initiate conversation. I gave him space. He texted me but it was all negative small talk short texts.

He texted everyday. sometimes excuses like asking if a bill came in the mail. And was I making a list. I wasn't sure if he missed me or the habit of texting?

The time came to talk and I texted to him that he seems negative and maybe needs more time. He insisted he wasn't living in limbo longer than a week. As soon as I agreed he said he's not coming home that night and that was my choice that our talk would have to wait. Control?

3 days later he came home and was angry. He said he was done and didn't want to hear what I wrote. He read me his and the main thing was how I handle stress and he said he doesn't think that could ever change and there was nothing positive about our relationship. He said he was angry because he wanted to work it out but realized I would never change. He was done. He said we are not compatible and he doesn't care about the house and he was wrong about us. Then he went back to his parents.

Over the next few days he continued to text me. Saying we need to sell the house. We agreed we would have to sell privately as we have little equity.

I sent him a couple of long texts explaining how I see my part in this and I wasn't making a true effort on working on myself. He was interested in what I had to say but said he didn't think I could really stop the constant complaining. I told him I am addressing my issues not just for him but also me. He said too little too late.

Now it's going on the 3rd week. He texts every couple of days asking if I have my share for the private listing fee. I told him it would be at least a month. He keeps repeating how he wants house gone now so he can move on.

He originally was saying he would stay at his parents until house sold. Now he said he's staying home as he's paying half the bills.

First few days he was angry and has been drinking every night. I didn't say much until after about day 3 I stood my ground and said there's nothing to be angry about. If he's going to take it out on me I'm not taking it and there is nothing to be angry about.

Since then he's been calm and now I rarely hear from him by text when he's not home. When he is home he finds excuses to talk to me and come upstairs.

We've been having some finance difficulties too. I had told him prior to this in October I will have extra $ to share. He said he can't make his finances better until he's on his own.

He usually pays the cable bill and said he can't afford to this month as he got a speeding ticket. He was embarrassed but I said I'd pay it. He's also a month behind. One of his texts asked when I'll have $ to list house. Then he said no pay cable first. House can wait. Why is house not a priority to sell now? I had hope he's having 2nd thoughts.

2 days passed and he's again asking when I'll have the house fee. But he knows I still don't have it!

This weekend he went to the cabin. I texted him tonight and said I missed him. He said get over it he's done. At the cabin there's no reception unless he leaves and goes for a quad ride. He went out numerous times to text me but all negative. If he's done wouldn't he just ignore me?

He repeats he's done but if he is, wouldn't he rather stay somewhere else until house sells? I know what it feels like to really be done and I wouldn't care if I was paying half bills. I'd stay somewhere else until house is sold.

I backed down for days after telling Him how I felt and gave him space. Space seems to make him even more distant. But when we are both at home he's different.

He says we are done but sometimes when he's in a mood he says stuff he doesn't mean and he's admitted in the past that this is a problem he struggles with.

When he gets an idea in his head he's very stubborn but when he realizes his idea is emotionally fueled in the heat of things and he's fixated, he rethinks it and considers what's been said and what's really going on as he's not a stupid guy and he knows he's too stubborn to a fault.

He will not always admit that he's being unreasonably stubborn but will listen to what I say... just as when I said I wouldn't put up with the angriness. He changed overnight.

At this point and the way I know him I don't feel not communicating and too much space is a good thing. But what else can I do to save this? I know I can't change him and I don't want to but rather be more accepting of him. I want to contribute more to this relationship with my new insight on myself and improve our relationship.

We still live together and can't sell our house now. He is so stubborn and fixated and refuses to be open to the change. He has nothing to lose! We can't list house for a month!

I love this man and i feel he's stressed about $, felt pushed away by me and also feels things can't improve on my part.

A month ago i'd be agreeing with him as I didn't see my behavior back then and felt it was him causing all the problems in our relationship.

He didn't give up on me when I would've let go before and what kept us together was our same relationship beliefs. That in this day and age, so many people give up and walk away instead of making a relationship stronger. Those were his words at my low times and his words when we first met. Nothing really bad happened between us.

I am committed and love this man. I regret I didn't see my part in this sooner or was more understanding of his ADHD moods. Now he is fixated on the negative and wants to throw us away. I feel deep down if he would allow himself to see I am serious about these positive changes and be more accepting of him we could work it out. I know his beliefs that you work on problems not run away are there, just buried right now as he's fixated on this and very stubborn.

I also thinks he needs his meds adjusted but now is not the time to bring it up.

Does space work with ADHD men? I know pushing does not work. But too much space and he fixates even more on ending this. Maybe nothing will change his mind but any suggestions of how to try to get through to him? What approach should I take?
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Old 09-23-13, 02:14 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Disclosure, before I start: I'm a man with ADHD whose wife recently left him.

When he changed overnight, it's highly likely that he did that just to please you. We all know when something is done just to please the other person, it isn't sustainable - the "pleaser" soon snaps back to his real self.

You've said in words "I know I can't change him", but really in this message you're asking how to change him, aren't you.

When you say "Does space work with ADHD men?" - if it really did "work", what would "work" mean to you? After the space, what would make you say "It worked!"?
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Old 09-23-13, 04:00 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubblebuble View Post
I feel deep down if he would allow himself to see I am serious about these positive changes and be more accepting of him we could work it out.
This is a very complicated sentence. I think it's a very un-accepting sentence, even though it's supposed to be about being accepting. It's confusing.

Your deep-down feelings are about what he needs to do to get you back. You need to rip out those deep-down feelings by the roots, and instead get deep-down feelings that are about what you need to do for yourself.

Deep-down feelings about what the other person needs to do, are always lies. Always.
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Old 09-23-13, 04:26 AM
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

At this point it doesnt seem to matter if its adhd or if you did anything wrong. He sounds like he is being pretty clear that he doesnt want things to continue.
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Old 09-23-13, 02:19 PM
Bubblebuble Bubblebuble is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
Disclosure, before I start: I'm a man with ADHD whose wife recently left him.

When he changed overnight, it's highly likely that he did that just to please you. We all know when something is done just to please the other person, it isn't sustainable - the "pleaser" soon snaps back to his real self.

You've said in words "I know I can't change him", but really in this message you're asking how to change him, aren't you.

When you say "Does space work with ADHD men?" - if it really did "work", what would "work" mean to you? After the space, what would make you say "It worked!"?
Thanks for your reply. I am rereading what I wrote and it didn't come across well. He gets in "moods" periodically. They are triggered by me or the kids, other times no one knows.. something on his mind, work? He will act very irrational, snap at everyone, sleep alot and speak inappropriately and say things he later said deep down he doesn't mean but can't help it when he's caught up in a "mood".

We have discussed this in the past after he's snapped out of his "mood" and he explained that once he gets fixated on something negative or in a mood he is this way until "something" snaps him out of it. He said when I say something he will do the opposite when like this but will eventually truly hear what I said and if he was being unreasonable he puts in an effort and stops his behavior as he doesn't like when that happens to him.

I know I can't change his behavior I would like more improvement and alot of things have improved since we have been together.

I'm having a tough time because all along I was seeing his moods as being a jerk rather than acknowledging his add and depression. I see so many things differently now that I didn't see before. I want to work on this with him not against him.

What I mean by the giving space part is I know not to push someone and I wouldn't chase him... giving him space... but rather should I be reminding him how I feel or try to talk to him. I don't know how to get through to him as he is "stuck" in a mood and being unreasonable. example: I bought groceries for all the kid's lunches. He seen it and said he would go to the store and buy different food for his kids and for me to worry only about my child. This is ridiculous as the food was already purchased but he is fixated on not being co-operative even over small things. He has had this behaviour before... it was difficult to talk to him before but now almost impossible..
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Old 09-23-13, 02:34 PM
Bubblebuble Bubblebuble is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
This is a very complicated sentence. I think it's a very un-accepting sentence, even though it's supposed to be about being accepting. It's confusing.

Your deep-down feelings are about what he needs to do to get you back. You need to rip out those deep-down feelings by the roots, and instead get deep-down feelings that are about what you need to do for yourself.

Deep-down feelings about what the other person needs to do, are always lies. Always.
Again, not worded very well... What I am trying to say is after writing our pros and cons, he said he felt that I couldn't change as he felt I didn't see a clear picture of myself. There are changes I am working on with myself whether we work this out or not. And these are things I did think of on my own during our week apart. That for our relationship and commication to improve it wasn't just him that needed improvement on his "moods" there was work I need to do on myself as well. I know my actions would have to show him over time.

He was interested in what I had to say said he loved me and I felt he wanted to work it out at that time but then said he can't turn this around as he already told his family and made it his priority before talking to me to sell the house as fast as possible or was talking about walking away overnight for it to foreclose! He seems very hurt and confused and is somewhat contradictory.
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Old 09-24-13, 12:12 AM
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

This sounds like a very sad situation all around!

You both clearly have issues and you clearly want to work on them and sometimes space and alone time is needed

I have suffered many episodes of severe Depression and Anxiety throughout along with the ADHD, AS etc and the last thing people like us need is a person in our lives who is negative and constantly complaining, we're like sponges we tend to absorb these things to the point where it becomes too heavy and down right draining.

Just like he has to work on his issues so do you!

Sel x
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Old 09-24-13, 02:44 AM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bubblebuble View Post
Thanks for your reply. I am rereading what I wrote and it didn't come across well. He gets in "moods" periodically. They are triggered by me or the kids, other times no one knows.. something on his mind, work? He will act very irrational, snap at everyone, sleep alot and speak inappropriately and say things he later said deep down he doesn't mean but can't help it when he's caught up in a "mood".

We have discussed this in the past after he's snapped out of his "mood" and he explained that once he gets fixated on something negative or in a mood he is this way until "something" snaps him out of it. He said when I say something he will do the opposite when like this but will eventually truly hear what I said and if he was being unreasonable he puts in an effort and stops his behavior as he doesn't like when that happens to him.

I know I can't change his behavior I would like more improvement and alot of things have improved since we have been together.

I'm having a tough time because all along I was seeing his moods as being a jerk rather than acknowledging his add and depression. I see so many things differently now that I didn't see before. I want to work on this with him not against him.

What I mean by the giving space part is I know not to push someone and I wouldn't chase him... giving him space... but rather should I be reminding him how I feel or try to talk to him. I don't know how to get through to him as he is "stuck" in a mood and being unreasonable. example: I bought groceries for all the kid's lunches. He seen it and said he would go to the store and buy different food for his kids and for me to worry only about my child. This is ridiculous as the food was already purchased but he is fixated on not being co-operative even over small things. He has had this behaviour before... it was difficult to talk to him before but now almost impossible..
What he did about the food was stupid. But it's not very important, it's just some groceries.

I don't think you can work on this with him. "Working with him", "working against him", doesn't matter - it's all just code for wanting to fix him. What's wrong with him is something you can't help him work on. Ever. It's not even possible. It's meddling and controlling and disrespectful - plus it fails every time. When you try to "work on" somebody else's sh*7, it is one big constant 24/7 put-down of that person. He might try to be a nice guy and let you do it at first, but then he will get really REALLY angry that you are trying to fix him again. Making him work on his stuff = fixing him. The two of you working on his stuff together = fixing him. It's his stuff. He fixes it, or he doesn't fix it. End of story. You fix your own problems. Everyone has enough problems of their own; fixing the other person's flaws is not part of a legitimate relationship.

If he doesn't work with you on any of the ADHD stuff, ever, and there's no improvement in the ADHD stuff, ever, do you still love him and want to live your lives together?
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Old 09-24-13, 02:56 PM
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
What he did about the food was stupid. But it's not very important, it's just some groceries.

I don't think you can work on this with him. "Working with him", "working against him", doesn't matter - it's all just code for wanting to fix him. What's wrong with him is something you can't help him work on. Ever. It's not even possible. It's meddling and controlling and disrespectful - plus it fails every time. When you try to "work on" somebody else's sh*7, it is one big constant 24/7 put-down of that person. He might try to be a nice guy and let you do it at first, but then he will get really REALLY angry that you are trying to fix him again. Making him work on his stuff = fixing him. The two of you working on his stuff together = fixing him. It's his stuff. He fixes it, or he doesn't fix it. End of story. You fix your own problems. Everyone has enough problems of their own; fixing the other person's flaws is not part of a legitimate relationship.

If he doesn't work with you on any of the ADHD stuff, ever, and there's no improvement in the ADHD stuff, ever, do you still love him and want to live your lives together?
I'm beginning to think maybe a big problem is I don't communicate well lol. I don't mean working with him to help him fix himself what I mean is working with him to improve our relationship...Before I was expecting changes from him as I wasn't being understanding and I wasn't working with him to improve myself while he improved himself as him and I previously discussed.

My part in that would be: being more understanding and supportive, not butting heads over trivial matters, not waiting for him to be out of a "mood" or trying to help him get out of it but be more patient and not push, just do my own thing. And also not let my stress drain him.

At this point all I can do is be myself and work on my own improvements for myself. I still can hope that once he calms down and is not fixated on the negative he will see my words aren't empty.
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Old 10-02-13, 01:35 AM
TLCisaQT TLCisaQT is offline
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

I know it's hard when you want something to happen but the end result is not just up to you It sounds like a complex situation...and whether the decision he is choosing right now is due to his disability or not, it is what his decision is, and there is not much you can do about that. We all play our part in struggles in a relationship, some more than others, but the only person we can work on, is US! Whether he comes around or not, you can't control, but you can start to work on YOU and if this doesn't work out, then you will be in a better place one day to find someone you can be happy with, after you are happy with yourself. I know it doesn't make the hurt and pain any less. One thing it sounds like you have learned is to go more with your own feelings about not jumping into things too fast in the future just because someone else says it's a good thing if you don't feel comfortable, as it could save you grief in the long run. Hang in there. Also, remember not to give him too much power because you are more invested in saving the relationship than he is. It is never okay for him to abuse that in any way for use it to his advantage.
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Old 10-02-13, 09:53 AM
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

I'm picking up a level of need from him and independence from you.

Only counselling will get you guys anywhere me thinks. Yes mostly him...

However, you did move in and you have complied up until now.... so..... you need it too...

Whether it work out or not who knows.... but the therapy will help you both...
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Old 10-08-13, 06:54 AM
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Re: Is it really over? Or an episode?

Wow. This sounds so familiar. My boyfriend and I have only been together for a couple months though.
He goes so back and forth. He will tell me he loves me and be all in and then all of a sudden he gets in a "mood" and pushes away. I finally to him last night that if he doesn't really love me then not to say it because it means a lot to me and hurts when he goes back and forth with it.
Anyways,
I dont really have much advice to give since I'm just at the beginning of this messed up journey. I do know that if you are like me, you see all the good and potential in him and love him very much. If that isn't reason enough to hold on, I don't know what is.
Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to, I'm all ears
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