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Old 03-17-19, 09:48 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Update on me in case you're wondering where I've been

Been spending a lot of E time. She does go to preschool (public, social emotional, self directed, play based; its solid). E is there for several total hours a day. It's also integrated classrooms, with kids with behavioral and developmental disabilities, with a highly diverse student population--bonus: over 50% of teachers are women of color. Hoping to get her into k at the civil rights academy here. In another three years she'll be able to volunteer with me at Glide or St Anthony's. She turns four on Friday.

M is well. He's pushing hard for his elite private school to take firm positions on social justice issues. He's got an uphill battle. I take so many meds (80 mg Prozac, 300 clozaril, 15 zyprexa, 1,000 mg metformin, 2 mg klonopin, 60 mg adderall xr, plus PRNs) and it's been ok since adding back ADHD treatment.

Basically I spend my time
Running every AM at 5:00
Home by 6:30 AM
Pills
Weekdays:
Take E to preschool (Outer RIch --> Castro)
Drop off by 8:00/30 AM
go to something mental health related or volunteer related (writing copy for the coalition on homelessness, mostly).
10:00 AM more pills
Go home by noon if E's with me. Wander maybe if not
2:00 PM usually have a volunteer related or mental health related thing
3:00 PM yet again, pills
Pick up E from school by 5:30 PM
6:30/7:00 ish PM eat
7:00/7:30 PM meds
>9:00 PM bed

It's boring in its own way, but it's consistent, which I really need.

I'm scared ****less, so I'm kinda just accepting the meds and the diagnoses. Nevertheless, I messed up my meds for six days taking 5 mg instead of 15 mg of one of two main medications. The last time this happened for 7-10 days I ended up spending *my birthday* of all days in the psych hospital. Fun fact, I've been inpatient every holiday that's publicly celebrated at some f. I always missed something.

My friend's death is weighing on me.

Obvious it's bringing up Esh's death, who, those of who know his playful hypomanic phases, he was A LOT of fun. I loved hanging out with him on FaceTime just for like, living out our days being able to talk to each other. Then the mixed states and hallucinations took over.

The thing about J is that she had the *exact same* reasons to stay
I just saw her in December and she was, like, as long as I'm never manic again I can handle the depression
But she still shot herself 29 jan
Her 3.75 year old won't have her own memories of them playing together
I was <48 away... closer to 30 ish hours from my own well-mapped-out demise and I'd practiced and timed myself and written letters, I mean, I was as quickly as possible putting my affairs in order. And I had to take E to the beach one last time.

My M is like J's person. He (D)told me he feels feral without her. He's bereft. Estelle is just on the cusp of cognitive/developmental leap over the next year (she's 4 next Friday). J loved her daughter and partner like I love E and M. I have an amazing life in some ways. When I'm not unwell. J had an amazing life, too, and it didn't save her.

I wish I had that seemingly universal fear of dying. That I just wanted the pain to recede or something. Having the driving force be saving my daughter or doing the right thing, necessary for the good of the universe... it's the delusional thinking that always gets me. I took a, (just as random example) "lies OCD tells you" checklist. I scored a solid 6/8, maybe 6.5. ****. It's not just one thing that's worsening with age, it's everything.

Whew, well that's what I've been up to.

I'm throwing E a birthday party! It's this Saturday. She'll be four.

I don't know when I'll be back regularly. Having a bit of an existential crisis over my situation.

This may sound weird, but I'm finally maybe for real accepting if. I started keeping daily journals (admittedly I've only done the first day--got them Thursday, though). They are about psychosis, intrusive thought "harm" OCD that can make me believe I must die to save ...various things/people, including myself...the universe, Estelle, Estelle's "soul" but in an energy way...anyway, decreasing my meds always makes me have horrible intrusive thoughts and voices and beliefs about them.

I'm doing Exposure Response Prevention therapy, which has been shown to help, along with medication. My psychiatrist thinks my OCD has been undetreated and that's creating the non remission of the SZ ones.

All I know is I'm spending a lot of time trying to work on these problems that I have. These illnesses. They consume my time, like, from maybe a minimum seven hours, but when I don't sleep, they've consume me >24+ hours, on and on for up to five days, getting only "microsleeps" where my consciousness shattered/I'd be scattered,if at all, comprehensible. It would happen and I'd say weird **** like "hand truck" I remember. I'm the middle of conversation with Dtour and maybe others. I also did some messed up **** going on my roof overnight and sabotaging (or doing my best to sabotage) wires of any sort. I did so many destructive things, but I can't go over all that. I just have to look to the future and create the best one possible.

I'm tired of being hospitalized and always needing more meds. I have to learn to see the medication as simply meds are necessary treatment for these conditions I have that, during episodes (latest one lasted may ish-oct 1). I was just indefinitely incapacitated and trying entirely new/switched over meds. And adjusting was intense for a lot of weeks and I had to rest often.

That's when I made it to Australia in July despite spending June in hospital: I just existed and explored a big, diverse, eclectic city--a favorite activity of mind, Kinda how I went to Iceland over three weeks that included my birthday a month after Esh's death. I sat on that plane en route and was 100% convinced this was my last flight so... thinking about it is all kinda nostalgic for me We covered that whole island, my partner and me.

Anyway, I maybe on here more again soon or I might not. I have to seriously prioritize getting through life on a day to day basis.

I miss you guys, but I need to be grounded in reality and especially prioritize routine and focus on my small girl and partner and health.

I'm not going away. I'm just explaining why I've been so absent these past weeks. I don't know what the future holds, but I'll do my best to try and check in weekly.

Hope this finds everyone well x
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Old 03-17-19, 11:26 AM
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Re: Update on me in case you're wondering where I've been

Wonderful to see you peri
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Old 03-17-19, 12:41 PM
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Re: Update on me in case you're wondering where I've been

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
... I have to seriously prioritize getting through life on a day to day basis.

I miss you guys, but I need to be grounded in reality and especially prioritize routine and focus on my small girl and partner and health.

l x
I can see you have been carrying a heavy load, Peri. I admire your energy and dedication. I'm sure your priorities are the right ones.

Wishing you all the best, my friend.
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Old 03-17-19, 12:57 PM
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Re: Update on me in case you're wondering where I've been

So happy to see you again. So sorry for the recent issues and losses.
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Old 03-17-19, 09:38 PM
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Re: Update on me in case you're wondering where I've been

I'm so happy to hear from you again Peri and also so glad your still here with us fighting the good fight life.us people all need consistency in our life..keep up the good fight and we'll chat w you when you can be here again.smiles big smiles to Peri.
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