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  #16  
Old 05-12-11, 09:52 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by KMiller View Post
Stop focusing on yourself.
People need to help you with this.
You're capable of having a great relationship but you've got work to do my friend.
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  #17  
Old 05-12-11, 10:02 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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I don't understand.
You keep trying so hard to give yourself reasons not to do things. Just like when you were debating whether or not to see that psych, you kept making excuses. Same here. You think of ways you finding a girlfriend could fail, so you never do it.
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Old 05-12-11, 10:04 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by insight needed View Post
If you really don't care about the women on the forum who have befriended you, then why are you questioning how come you don't have a girlfriend??? If you don't care for and about others, women included, it is highly likely that you will not find a woman/girlfriend who cares about you. Having a girlfriend is not like buying a car--you don't just pick one out that you like--you develop a relationship by caring about the other person. You get to know someone by asking questions, not just to ask questions, but to care about the answers.
It's hard to care for and about a person I don't feel anything toward. Once an intimate relationship has been established, the care would come naturally, but not before - unless I act and pretend that I care before I feel anything toward them, but why bother playing games?
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Old 05-12-11, 10:05 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

I'm starting to wonder if focussing on yourself isn't a pervasive interest.

You have to leave your head every now and again to be part of something outside of yourself.
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  #20  
Old 05-12-11, 10:16 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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It's hard to care for and about a person I don't feel anything toward. Once an intimate relationship has been established, the care would come naturally, but not before - unless I act and pretend that I care before I feel anything toward them, but why bother playing games?
Who have you been in/are you in an intimate relationship with in your life?
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  #21  
Old 05-12-11, 10:26 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Who have you been in/are you in an intimate relationship with in your life?
Define "intimate"
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  #22  
Old 05-12-11, 10:30 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

I dont know. Loved? Feared? Your closest relationship with a person
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  #23  
Old 05-12-11, 10:35 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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I dont know. Loved? Feared? Your closest relationship with a person
My parents?

I have never had a romantic relationship with anyone if that's what you mean. I've never been best friends with anyone, either.
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  #24  
Old 05-12-11, 10:42 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
It's hard to care for and about a person I don't feel anything toward. Once an intimate relationship has been established, the care would come naturally, but not before - unless I act and pretend that I care before I feel anything toward them, but why bother playing games?
Well, it will be hard to get to the point where a relationship is intimate unless there is caring to begin with. There's more to intimacy than sex. You have to take the time to get to know someone. You also have to expose a little of yourself to the other person as well. You have to make yourself a little vulnerable. Otherwise a true, intimate or loving relationship can't form. Everyone has to but themselves out there. Sure, you might get rejected, and yes, it might hurt. But how else are you going to learn how to have a relationship if you don't do that?
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  #25  
Old 05-12-11, 10:44 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

One thing I think deserves mention is the possibility that you have stimulation/attention issues that make the friends/intimacy thing more difficult. To have the necessary reciprocity for relating you generally have to be much more engaged by someone than you are by most things. This means that they have to interest you enough to make you pay attention. I have a bit of a problem with this, even to this day.

As for recommendations, try new things with people. Talk up new folks, engage in new activities, and see what engages you enough to get to know people. It takes time and even if you weren't an ADHD type, you would still want it to be customized to who you are.
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  #26  
Old 05-12-11, 10:46 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by BR549 View Post
Well, it will be hard to get to the point where a relationship is intimate unless there is caring to begin with.
Yeah. So maybe this problem is due to a character flaw on my part.

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There's more to intimacy than sex. You have to take the time to get to know someone.
So I ask them questions about their lives and pretend that I really care about the answers? Do I ask them questions about their goals, aspirations, etc? Do I also ask about music, movies, etc?

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You also have to expose a little of yourself to the other person as well. You have to make yourself a little vulnerable.
Why would I need to make myself vulnerable? Why do people want people to make themselves vulnerable? And what do you understand by vulnerable?

Quote:
Otherwise a true, intimate or loving relationship can't form. Everyone has to but themselves out there. Sure, you might get rejected, and yes, it might hurt. But how else are you going to learn how to have a relationship if you don't do that?
What if I become seriously depressed because of a very bad rejection?


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Originally Posted by nomannomad View Post
One thing I think deserves mention is the possibility that you have stimulation/attention issues that make the friends/intimacy thing more difficult. To have the necessary reciprocity for relating you generally have to be much more engaged by someone than you are by most things. This means that they have to interest you enough to make you pay attention. I have a bit of a problem with this, even to this day.
I think that's about right. Most people just don't interest me too much.

Quote:
As for recommendations, try new things with people. Talk up new folks, engage in new activities, and see what engages you enough to get to know people. It takes time and even if you weren't an ADHD type, you would still want it to be customized to who you are.
But concerning the lack of interest due to lack of stimulation/attention, is that where ADHD therapy comes in?
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  #27  
Old 05-12-11, 11:00 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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People with Asperger's Syndrome are more dysfunctional than I am in many respects. I come across as a normal person in real life, which might explain why it took me so long to get diagnosed with ADHD. However, once women meet me and see how weird and unresponsive I am, they tend to lose interest very quickly. They probably figure that I am gay or not interested.

So the bottom line is that I know men who are weirder than I am and even they have girlfriends. It's weird that I don't have a girlfriend and never have had one. I wonder what's wrong with me? Am I asexual? Afraid of women? Do I lack sex drive?

This is not an ADHD thing, right?
...Erhm, my official diagnose is currently still Asperger's syndrome since my 16th. Whether it's true or not remains to be seen, but seriously, mind your words will you?
I have had enough to deal with in my life, and learned through (sometimes harsh) experiences, only to be called dysfunctional?

As far as I know you, you don't mean it personally, but thinking all Aspergers are the same is pretty damn stupid. Do you seriously think I'm weirder than you only because I'm diagnosed with Asperger?
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  #28  
Old 05-12-11, 11:08 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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...Erhm, my official diagnose is currently still Asperger's syndrome since my 16th. Whether it's true or not remains to be seen, but seriously, mind your words will you?
I have had enough to deal with in my life, and learned through (sometimes harsh) experiences, only to be called dysfunctional?

As far as I know you, you don't mean it personally, but thinking all Aspergers are the same is pretty damn stupid. Do you seriously think I'm weirder than you only because I'm diagnosed with Asperger?
Alright, many people with Asperger's (not all of them) are more dysfunctional / weirder than I am...
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Old 05-12-11, 11:16 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Well... That's at least slightly better, thanks.

But I think you're confused with classic autism. Aspergers who are intelligent, are masters at camouflaging their disabilities, and when they get older they learn to really cope with a lot of the handicaps.
Nowadays people are always surprised when I tell them I have Asperger's (even though I'm not sure about it anymore).
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  #30  
Old 05-12-11, 11:25 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

yes I meant anyone including parents. yOu need a dr to teach you how to love someone who loves you. Faking it is not the answer and wouldn't be fulfilling for you or give you what you're looking for.
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