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  #31  
Old 05-13-11, 07:55 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by Alliee View Post
yes I meant anyone including parents. yOu need a dr to teach you how to love someone who loves you. Faking it is not the answer and wouldn't be fulfilling for you or give you what you're looking for.
Is there a book I can read? I didn't know Doctors taught that
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  #32  
Old 05-13-11, 08:49 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
Yeah. So maybe this problem is due to a character flaw on my part.

So I ask them questions about their lives and pretend that I really care about the answers? Do I ask them questions about their goals, aspirations, etc? Do I also ask about music, movies, etc?

Why would I need to make myself vulnerable? Why do people want people to make themselves vulnerable? And what do you understand by vulnerable?

What if I become seriously depressed because of a very bad rejection?
Okay in response to the above:

1. Flaw? Um, no. Anyone can care. Love is a choice. Caring is a choice. You can choose to care or love someone. Or you can choose not to.

2. If you want to get to know someone, you want to know about them. If you're just meeting someone, you may not want to really know their deepest thoughts. If you meet someone the only way you're going to know if you might like them (other than the way they look) is to talk to them. If you aren't interested in talking to people and getting to know people, even on a superficial level, then it's going to be difficult to find a friend or a girlfriend.

3. There's a certain amount of vulnerability any time you open yourself up to another person. You can't truly have an intimate relationship or friendship without opening up to another person.

4. Um, you talk to a woman, the conversation fizzles out, you move on. Where's the rejection? You find yourself in a relationship, it doesn't work out, you move on. Will it hurt? If you really, truly love that person, yes. But rejection and breaking up aren't necessarily the same thing. How can you learn how to have a relationship or friendship unless you risk the chance of being rejected? Almost everyone here has been through rejection. No one is born with a 'relationship' instinct. It's all learned by trial and error.

It's also why having friends is good. They can advise you, support you and be there for you during the good and the bad. You can also learn from their relationships.


You're contradicting yourself. You want a gf or a friend, but you're saying trying to take an interest in someone isn't worth your time. If that's the case, then why are you bothering to ask about finding a gf? You aren't going to know if you're interested in someone until you talk to them and find out a little bit about them.

*sorry for not quoting each question under the quote, I'm having trouble with the multi quote feature today.
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  #33  
Old 05-13-11, 09:02 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by BR549 View Post
Okay in response to the above:


2. If you want to get to know someone, you want to know about them. If you're just meeting someone, you may not want to really know their deepest thoughts. If you meet someone the only way you're going to know if you might like them (other than the way they look) is to talk to them. If you aren't interested in talking to people and getting to know people, even on a superficial level, then it's going to be difficult to find a friend or a girlfriend.
So I ask them about what music they like.... If they like music I don't like, is that supposed to be a deal breaker? Or if they like doing some activity that I don't like doing, is that supposed to be a deal breaker? I mean, why do I care what they like or what they do during their free time? Who says I have to like people who like what I like and dislike those who dislike what I like, etc?

Quote:
3. There's a certain amount of vulnerability any time you open yourself up to another person. You can't truly have an intimate relationship or friendship without opening up to another person.
You are giving me a circular answer. You did not explain what vulnerability is or why it's necessary.

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It's also why having friends is good. They can advise you, support you and be there for you during the good and the bad. You can also learn from their relationships.
I have had friends. I never received the type of support you seem to be referring to.


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You're contradicting yourself. You want a gf or a friend, but you're saying trying to take an interest in someone isn't worth your time. If that's the case, then why are you bothering to ask about finding a gf? You aren't going to know if you're interested in someone until you talk to them and find out a little bit about them.
I will be interested in them once I feel something toward them, not before.
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  #34  
Old 05-13-11, 09:16 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

You want to meet people, you'll have to make small talk. In the beginning, you probably won't care about what they like. It's small talk. That's the first step in determining if you might want to get to know someone better. Talk about music, jobs, books, movies, education, anything.

Vulnerability is letting your defenses down. Allowing someone else to see the real you, your hopes, dreams, fears, desires...There's a certain amount of vulnerability involved in creating close friendships and intimate relationships. I'm not talking about people you work with or meet casually. As you get to know someone and want to be a part of their life or them a part of yours, you let your natural defenses down. Expose your inner self.

Otherwise, it's all a sham. It's all superficial and no relationship-friendship or intimate can be a true relationship without that.

In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend. As with any relationship, even intimate, it's give and take. You treat others the way you want to be treated. You do for others what you would want them to do for you. I help my friend out by picking up her daughter from school. It's an inconvenience, but I know she'd do the same for me if I was in a bind. It's give and take.

Well, if you don't get to know someone it's gonna be hard to feel something towards them.
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  #35  
Old 05-13-11, 10:09 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

nevermore :

just a basic question : do you care for others ?

on page 1 you said "I can't think of anything to say to women" ;
May be you really don't have anything to say, independently to the friendship/dating thing ?
If you forget the dating thing have you some favorite subject of interest ? have you some sports/readings/ manual works/ intellectual hobby that you like to talk about to other people ?
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  #36  
Old 05-13-11, 10:13 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by BR549 View Post
... Talk about music, jobs, books, movies, education, anything.
exactly !

nevermore to meet somebody, even if it's just for friendship you have to be able to sharesomething .
build yourself a personnal private life with 3 or 4 subjects of interest for your leisure time and after you could share this with other people.

If you can't build yourself a private life, whatever the reason, ask help from a doc or a psy
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  #37  
Old 05-13-11, 10:41 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

You don't seem to want to be interested in anyone else and are kind of indifferent to common or differences you may have. As ilogical as I can be logically I think: you can't get a friend or gf if you don't go out.
You can't go out with out money so you need a job
If you hate where you live then you need to move-unless your parents aren't going to kick you out.
You can't build a relationship of any kind with anyone if you consistently think of your interests,yourself or of expectations you have predetermined about what a relationship would be like. Have you considered the fact that you aren't cut out for companionship?
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  #38  
Old 05-13-11, 10:57 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by xav View Post
nevermore :

just a basic question : do you care for others ?
I care about people I like.

Quote:
on page 1 you said "I can't think of anything to say to women" ;
May be you really don't have anything to say, independently to the friendship/dating thing ?
I don't have anything to say.

Quote:
If you forget the dating thing have you some favorite subject of interest ? have you some sports/readings/ manual works/ intellectual hobby that you like to talk about to other people ?
I don't like to talk...

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
You don't seem to want to be interested in anyone else and are kind of indifferent to common or differences you may have. As ilogical as I can be logically I think: you can't get a friend or gf if you don't go out.
Go out where? To the street? To the mall? To the supermarket?

Quote:
You can't go out with out money so you need a job
I don't have money?!?

Quote:
If you hate where you live then you need to move-unless your parents aren't going to kick you out.
You can't build a relationship of any kind with anyone if you consistently think of your interests,yourself or of expectations you have predetermined about what a relationship would be like. Have you considered the fact that you aren't cut out for companionship?
I have thought about it but then when I did therapy I was treated like I was abnormal because I said I was not interested in having anything to do with people. I have doubts. I think I would like to be in love with someone but it's so much trouble getting to that level it's better not to desire anything from people.
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  #39  
Old 05-13-11, 11:02 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

OK so you don't like people or talking. Can you refresh my memory why you want a girlfriend again?
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  #40  
Old 05-13-11, 11:04 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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OK so you don't like people or talking. Can you refresh my memory why you want a girlfriend again?
love!?
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Old 05-13-11, 11:18 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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love!?
How can you expect someone to love you when you don't care about them? If all you want is love, not a relationship or caring then you might as well get a dog. They'll love you if you feed them and take care of them, no conversations or deep meaningful connections needed.
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  #42  
Old 05-13-11, 11:20 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

lol, OK fair enough...but liking people and talking are part of that!

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love!?
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  #43  
Old 05-13-11, 11:29 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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lol, OK fair enough...but liking people and talking are part of that!
It's kind of hard to like someone if I don't feel anything toward them.
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Old 05-13-11, 11:32 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Dude, that's my point!! Look, I desire and yearn for human connection and interaction so for me love is a natural extension and amplification of that. You don't seem to want these things so what it is the driving force behind looking for "love"? The fact that you're supposed to?

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It's kind of hard to like someone if I don't feel anything toward them.
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  #45  
Old 05-13-11, 11:33 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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It's kind of hard to like someone if I don't feel anything toward them.
You have to work on making yourself feel something for them, and you d that through getting to know people.
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