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  #46  
Old 05-13-11, 11:38 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by K-Funk View Post
Dude, that's my point!! Look, I desire and yearn for human connection and interaction so for me love is a natural extension and amplification of that. You don't seem to want these things so what it is the driving force behind looking for "love"? The fact that you're supposed to?
The fact that it might heal me and make me happy
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  #47  
Old 05-13-11, 11:42 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
The fact that it might heal me and make me happy
That's kind of selfish of you. You want love so you can be happy and healed, but you're not even interested in the other person. That seems more like you want admirers than you want love.
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  #48  
Old 05-13-11, 11:43 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by Offle View Post
You have to work on making yourself feel something for them, and you d that through getting to know people.
But for you to get to know them, you have to care. If you don't care, you won't get to know them.

How do I force myself to care?

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Originally Posted by Offle View Post
That's kind of selfish of you. You want love so you can be happy and healed, but you're not even interested in the other person. That seems more like you want admirers than you want love.
If the person loves me then I will love that person because I like the way she makes me feel.
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  #49  
Old 05-13-11, 11:49 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
But for you to get to know them, you have to care. If you don't care, you won't get to know them.

How do I force myself to care?




If the person loves me then I will love that person because I like the way she makes me feel.
You'll never get to that point if you don't care or cann't care.
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  #50  
Old 05-13-11, 11:49 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

OK, but see in that case...it won't! You are looking at love as a means to an end when in actuality it is a byproduct of a process. It's something that develops as you gradually become more involved with a person who interests you/is interested in you and with whom there is a mutual attraction. You have to want to connect with someone first, and as that connection grows it's the meaningful reciprocity between two individuals who care about one another that provides the catharsis and "healing" you're talking about. Simply pursuing love as something you should achieve would only build a hollow foundation with little chance of supporting or sustaining a relationship.


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The fact that it might heal me and make me happy
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  #51  
Old 05-13-11, 11:50 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Go get some help. you sound like a person who is very angry, or has something else going on with you.You were probably hurt emotionally by a lot of people when you were little
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  #52  
Old 05-13-11, 12:02 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
If the person loves me then I will love that person because I like the way she makes me feel.
No you wouldn't, at least not really. You love the feeling that person gives you, and you only care about the person as a way to get that feeling, and that isn't love. The other person might as well be a prostitute who deals in emotions instead of sex because that the kind of relationship it sounds like you're looking for.
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  #53  
Old 05-13-11, 12:04 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

I don't know what more can be said. You don't like people or talking or their interests. You don't want to pretend you are interested no one can make you care you have to do that. If you can't then sadly to say your out of luck
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  #54  
Old 05-13-11, 12:05 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by K-Funk View Post
OK, but see in that case...it won't! You are looking at love as a means to an end when in actuality it is a byproduct of a process. It's something that develops as you gradually become more involved with a person who interests you/is interested in you and with whom there is a mutual attraction.
Then I don't know what love is. I have been infatuated with women, and I thought it was love, but judging by your explanation of what love is maybe what I felt toward them was not love at all, even though I was under the impression it was love. So is love basically an extension of an infatuation? Is it the same feeling, perhaps even more powerful, but arising from a more solid foundation?

Quote:
You have to want to connect with someone first, and as that connection grows it's the meaningful reciprocity between two individuals who care about one another that provides the catharsis and "healing" you're talking about.
That's the part that I don't get. Wanting to connect for the sake of connecting. If I force myself to try to connect it's with a goal in mind, not for the sake of it.

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Simply pursuing love as something you should achieve would only build a hollow foundation with little chance of supporting or sustaining a relationship.
How about something I want and purposely try to achieve?
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  #55  
Old 05-13-11, 12:11 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
That's the part that I don't get. Wanting to connect for the sake of connecting. If I force myself to try to connect it's with a goal in mind, not for the sake of it.
Maybe you're looking at it the wrong way around!
connecting for the sake of connecting, that's part of the relationship in the first place.
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  #56  
Old 05-13-11, 12:19 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

well ....

( please remenber i m not american nor english my language so don't take offense if what i write is not socialy acceptable for you because not correctly write by me ),

As i was reading your posts i realise something :

"nevermore" don't you think it should be write "never more" ( in two words ) ?

Your answers have a constant undertone of fear or of escaping

So "never more" what ? What is it that should never occur again in your life ? What is it that in order to erase even the memory of it your mind try to cut some part of itself ? In your posts i realise that you don't really ask how to seduce a woman but more really you try to discover a way to never again be in need of someone .
Of course it's not mandatory to answer it publicly.

Something has cut you very deep inside. I think that in order to survive you have separate yourself to yours feelings.

You have to relearn to feel, to stop to be an intellectual automate. You really should seek pro help....

good luck
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  #57  
Old 05-13-11, 12:22 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by Offle View Post
No you wouldn't, at least not really. You love the feeling that person gives you, and you only care about the person as a way to get that feeling, and that isn't love.
Selflessness is an illusion. There is always self-interest. It is not possible to love someone if you don't get something in return, even if it's some feeling of satisfaction you concoct in your own brain.

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The other person might as well be a prostitute who deals in emotions instead of sex because that the kind of relationship it sounds like you're looking for.
That's why therapy infuriated me so much.
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  #58  
Old 05-13-11, 12:26 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
Maybe you're looking at it the wrong way around!
connecting for the sake of connecting, that's part of the relationship in the first place.
And people derive pleasure when they 'connect' with someone even if there is no love involved? What exactly does it mean to connect with someone?
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Old 05-13-11, 12:39 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by nevermore View Post
Selflessness is an illusion. There is always self-interest. It is not possible to love someone if you don't get something in return, even if it's some feeling of satisfaction you concoct in your own brain.

That's why therapy infuriated me so much.
Most people go into relationships with more in mind than wanting the other person to make them feel nice. You don't care about the person, you care about the feeling you get and that's it. You don't want to connection or the interaction, you just care about the dopamine release in your brain.

And as for you not understanding why the connection is important, it's because the connection is the cause of the good feeling. The deep intimate connection with the other person is love. The caring and happiness from being around that person comes from the connection. There is no way to separate the connection from love. The connection is not a means to get love, it's one of the main parts of love.
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  #60  
Old 05-13-11, 12:41 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by xav View Post
What is it that in order to erase even the memory of it your mind try to cut some part of itself ? In your posts i realise that you don't really ask how to seduce a woman but more really you try to discover a way to never again be in need of someone .
Maybe you are right. Maybe I would be happier if I didn't have these "needs".

Quote:
Something has cut you very deep inside. I think that in order to survive you have separate yourself to yours feelings.
Something cut me deep inside, that's true. It was a type of make-believe relationship with a woman. I really liked the way she treated me and I even wondered whether I actually loved her, but the sad truth is that most likely I thought I liked her because I liked the way she made me feel, not necessarily her. It was very painful because the relationship was a business relationship, not something that arose naturally due to mutual attraction. While the other person undoubtedly had good intentions, from my point of view it all felt like a joke, because this type of relationship is not something that I know how to reenact in the real world. I would have been a much happier person if I had never engaged in that business relationship with that person.

So I would say that you have read me correctly. Something cut me deep inside, created or exposed a need that I didn't know existed, and now I feel miserable because I don't know how to heal the wound and fulfill the need.

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You really should seek pro help....
I sought professional help. How do you think I ended up so messed up?

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Originally Posted by Offle View Post
Most people go into relationships with more in mind than wanting the other person to make them feel nice.
For example? Pick any example you want. I will show you there is an element of selfishness involved.

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You don't care about the person, you care about the feeling you get and that's it. You don't want to connection or the interaction, you just care about the dopamine release in your brain.
That's what love is. Chemicals in the brain.

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And as for you not understanding why the connection is important, it's because the connection is the cause of the good feeling. The deep intimate connection with the other person is love. The caring and happiness from being around that person comes from the connection.
If I like the way a person makes me feel, and if I want them to continue giving me positive emotions, then naturally I will care about them and I will want them to do well, because obviously I don't want to lose them, because if I lose them then I lose my source of positive emotions. The connection that you are referring to is simply a means to an end. The connection does not exist for nothing.

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There is no way to separate the connection from love. The connection is not a means to get love, it's one of the main parts of love.
But you still have not explained what the connection is. It sounds like the connection is simply liking someone and eventually loving them. But I don't see how a connection can form if I don't like someone first, and I don't know how to like someone if there isn't a connection already in place.
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