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  #61  
Old 05-13-11, 12:42 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

I like this advice Ronball. Putting yourself there. Nevermore, when you are READY, you will need to put yourself out there. This is huge. This is where confidence comes and oh how awesome confidence feels.

I think we need to make some small suggestions for our comrade. One suggestion to you nevermore, is that I think you would benefit greatly from toastmasters international, a public speaking organinzation. This will help you with comfort around people. It has certainly helped me.

I have gone up to woman I've never known and talked to them and even gotten a number. Women love a confident man. And, if you can compliment them on a physical feature, you'll be well on your way to getting to know a woman.
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  #62  
Old 05-13-11, 12:45 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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One thing I think deserves mention is the possibility that you have stimulation/attention issues that make the friends/intimacy thing more difficult. To have the necessary reciprocity for relating you generally have to be much more engaged by someone than you are by most things. This means that they have to interest you enough to make you pay attention. I have a bit of a problem with this, even to this day.
I think that's about right. Most people just don't interest me too much.


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As for recommendations, try new things with people. Talk up new folks, engage in new activities, and see what engages you enough to get to know people. It takes time and even if you weren't an ADHD type, you would still want it to be customized to who you are.
But concerning the lack of interest due to lack of stimulation/attention, is that where ADHD therapy comes in?
You need to realize that no matter who you are, most others aren't interesting enough to be friends or intimates. It might look that way, mostly because geography forces a lot of NT folks to be friendly with those physically close to them, but there are so many (billions!) of varied people on Earth that most of us don't have a good reason to be close to those others. I think ADHD just means you have to work harder or differently on the issue of friends and intimates than most, not that your case is radically different from NTs.

I have never done any kind of therapy, so I don't know. But I would say that I have better, but fewer friends and intimates than NTs, but they all came from my working hard on my following my own path. My suggestion is to not think it is easy for anyone.
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  #63  
Old 05-13-11, 12:59 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Is there a book I can read? I didn't know Doctors taught that
yes, I came across a book written by a leading dr a few days ago. I'll look into it for you when I'm home next week.
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  #64  
Old 05-13-11, 01:02 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

when i said you should seek pro help i don't mean psy help only :

ask your doc for some analysis . Believe me i know first hand than docs can very much confond some disease with psy problems !

And it's not because a first psy has not be able to help you that you can't be helped. Again believe me if i say that not all doctors are as able as others ! I speak of medical doct. as of psy docs .

But maybe you should spent some time to think about your priorities in the help you could seek.
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  #65  
Old 05-13-11, 01:03 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away." ~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin


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The giving of love is an education in itself." Elanor Roosevelt

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." ~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
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  #66  
Old 05-13-11, 01:16 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." ~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
Which supports my point that there is an element of selfishness involved, so no one should point fingers at me for wanting to receive positive emotions from another person.
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  #67  
Old 05-13-11, 01:16 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Selflessness is an illusion. There is always self-interest. It is not possible to love someone if you don't get something in return, even if it's some feeling of satisfaction you concoct in your own brain.

That's why therapy infuriated me so much.
I think that's true. That's one way to look at relationships.

I am mad at my old therapist. She didn't do her job, wanted my parents'money, and wanted me to date her son. When I wasn't interested in dating her son she took it out on me and tried to make me feel like I wasn't all that great.
If your therapist infuriated you, maybe she didn't know what you needed and didn't have your best interest in mind bc of this.

This is why I'm so opinionated about getting quality treatment w drs who won't stop until they help you, including referring you to another dr if/when they see you need a type of treatment they can't offer but know a specialist or someone who can.
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  #68  
Old 05-13-11, 01:41 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

This is a very nice discussion. I want to keep it going a while longer
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  #69  
Old 05-13-11, 01:44 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

When will you put some thngs into practice nevermore?
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  #70  
Old 05-13-11, 01:56 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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When will you put some thngs into practice nevermore?
As soon as someone writes something that makes sense.

I still don't understand why people want me to make myself vulnerable. I still don't understand why it's done or how it needs to be done.

As soon as someone explains to me how to want to have a connection with a complete stranger I know nothing about. As soon as someone explains how to care about a person I don't know.
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Old 05-13-11, 02:05 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Yes! You need someone to do that and I will try to find someone who will.we will make it work, nevermore even w add, it might take longer but well figure out the best help and well get to the bottom of it.

(if I had a comp instead of an iPhone this weekend I'd be researching)
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  #72  
Old 05-13-11, 02:24 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

It's about reciprocity. Give and take. You meet someone who for whatever reason is amazing to you. You both want each other to be happy. You both make sacrifices for the other. You both support each other. You both open up and show the other who you are. You both share and give.

The problem lies in the fact that what you are looking for is one sided love. You take but not give. That is an abusive relationship.
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  #73  
Old 05-13-11, 02:34 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

redhairedwitch, that is the truth^.

He can't help it by himself and is trying to get help. Nevermore, I think you're smart and that makes this so much easier for you and whoever is helping you. you'll always have that going for you. The good news is, it is truly all treatable.
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  #74  
Old 05-13-11, 02:34 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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It's about reciprocity. Give and take. You meet someone who for whatever reason is amazing to you. You both want each other to be happy. You both make sacrifices for the other. You both support each other. You both open up and show the other who you are. You both share and give.

The problem lies in the fact that what you are looking for is one sided love. You take but not give. That is an abusive relationship.
Then how do I give?

During the initial stages, do I pretend that I care about them even if I don't?

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You both open up and show the other who you are.
By the way, do I come across as a nice person? I think I don't... so why would I want someone to see who I am?
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Old 05-13-11, 02:34 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Okay. When I first came to this forum, I didn't know anyone here. I didn't care about anyone here. If Sarahsweets started a thread about how she broke her leg I would have thought to myself "that's too bad", and moved on. Now that I've been here and interacted with people, I've come to care about everyone on this forum. I may not know everyone personally, but everyone here has opened up about their conditions, their struggles, their hopes and their goals. They've shared good news, bad news and tragic news. I have come to care about what happens to the people on this forum. If I wouldn't have interacted and continued to interact, I'd probably still feel pretty apathetic towards everyone and their situation.

I did not know Esh. Not a clue who he was. But when Peri posted that he'd died and everyone posted condolences, memories and thoughts about him, I cried. Why? Not because I knew him. It was because there were so many people here hurting because he was gone. I have come to think of everyone here as a friend. When a friend of mine hurts, I hurt. When they're sad, I'm sad for them. When they're happy, I'm happy for them or with them.

I don't tell people things or do things for people -even here-because I want something from them. I don't expect anything. I do it because I WANT to do it. If I can help, then I want to help. If I say thanks or compliment someone here, it's genuine. I'm not doing it because they might reciprocate. I'm not doing it so people will like me.

When Nate said he was going to the job center today-I was genuinely happy for him. If I wouldn't have been, I wouldn't have commented. I genuinely hope he finds something he will enjoy doing. When Possum had trouble recently, I was genuinely concerned about her. Would I know either of them if I stood behind them in line at the store? Probably not. But I still consider them my friends. I still care about them and what happens to them.

Relationships aren't built in a day. Any friendships that I've made here didn't happen after my first post. Women don't become girlfriends or lovers or friends by talking to them for 5 minutes. It takes time. It takes effort. If you aren't willing to do that, then that's your choice.

People can't heal you. A love interest can't heal you. Only you can do that. Maybe working on healing whatever needs healing within you is what you need and not a woman, a dog or a pill. YOU are the only person who can heal YOU.

It's up to you to decide what you want. It's up to you to go out and get it. We've told you what to do and how to do it. All of the advice in the world won't help unless you help yourself.
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