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  #121  
Old 05-15-11, 03:54 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

This is a long thread to wade through....

There's alot of interesting stuff been said....

In my view the thing that made the biggest difference for me was starting to love myself. It took a couple of decades but before that i was just ****ing in the wind.

Oh.. yeah I did have girlfriends.... ones that really messed me up.

I though that being in a relationship would help me sort my life out...... my girlfriends thought the same thing..... cue co-dependancy meltdown.

now I know it's just dumb to expect anyone non-professional to help sort me out. I have to do that heavy lifting myself..... and I am not averse to shopping around for the right profeessional help... what I need changes as I develop.

I am reading a book at the moment by a woman called Margo Wood.... it's all about finding love.... doing the heavy lifting of learning to love yourself.

It is called "Masturbation, Tantra and Self Love".

Yeah.... that's right....

As for the OP.... I'd add that he could try the following....
1) Tell himself that he is not going to consider having a relationship for at least a year.. even if a millionaire underwear model lies in front of him buck naked.
2) Shop around and find a good easygoing therapist.
3) Meditate daily
4) go along to a yoga class and keep at it for a year
5) After a year... rinse and repeat.

I guarantee a millionaire underwear model will appear.. OK so she might not be an actual millionaire.... or an actual underwear model.... but she will lie in front of you buck naked......

because somewhere along the line you fixed yourself


kilted
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  #122  
Old 05-15-11, 04:31 PM
nevermore nevermore is offline
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman View Post

I though that being in a relationship would help me sort my life out...... my girlfriends thought the same thing..... cue co-dependancy meltdown.
Life sucks, doesn't it? It sucks being alone and it sucks having company.

Quote:
As for the OP.... I'd add that he could try the following....
1) Tell himself that he is not going to consider having a relationship for at least a year.. even if a millionaire underwear model lies in front of him buck naked.
I have waited 30 years. I can wait another one.

Quote:
2) Shop around and find a good easygoing therapist.
I've done that. Therapy was a failure.

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3) Meditate daily
4) go along to a yoga class and keep at it for a year
I can't do it. My thoughts are too intense and too persistent. I can't concentrate and I can't control them.

Quote:
5) After a year... rinse and repeat.

I guarantee a millionaire underwear model will appear.. OK so she might not be an actual millionaire.... or an actual underwear model.... but she will lie in front of you buck naked......

because somewhere along the line you fixed yourself
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  #123  
Old 05-15-11, 04:53 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

i wasn't writing the post for you nevermore....

The thread is also for others to read and get ideas about how they might tackle the issues you raise...

It does't matter if they won't work for you..... the suggestions people post might work for someone else and that makes the whole thread, and your original question worthwhile.

go love yourself

kilted
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  #124  
Old 05-15-11, 05:12 PM
nevermore nevermore is offline
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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i wasn't writing the post for you nevermore....
Then why did you write this?

"As for the OP.... I'd add that he could try the following...."

Who do you think the OP is?
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  #125  
Old 05-15-11, 05:39 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

Have you considered ODD nevermore?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opposit...fiant_disorder
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  #126  
Old 05-15-11, 05:44 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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No, because I am not a child and nobody here is an authority figure.

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Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior toward authority figures which goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. People who have it may appear very stubborn and angry.
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  #127  
Old 05-17-11, 04:58 AM
Lake Eerie Lake Eerie is offline
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

You are talking about one of the great mysteries of life. I don't think this is necessarily an ADD thing. Nobody really knows how people wind up together and fall in love. Attraction is complex and mostly subconscious. Chemical.

We romantasize because we are human and that's what we do but it is probably all just really about the basic instincts of breeding. We lay mating rituals on top of that (dating) and social rituals on top of that (relationships).

Does what you are looking for really exist? Maybe. I dunno.
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  #128  
Old 05-17-11, 09:02 AM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

As people we are expected to accomplish certain tasks to be considered successful: finding a girlfriend, keeping a job, being independent, finishing a degree etc.
Trying to achieve these goals as a catalyst for personal growth is pointless, none of them lead to personal growth and healing. What they are, are indicators to those around you that you have achieved that growth as they are all the major hardships of life.

Unfortunately real progress happens painfully slowly, you advance one step at a time, before going to a party you have to be able to leave your house. (you might be able to leave the house, it's just an example)

If you feel that you need to do something and it is too hard, think of something smaller that you can do as a transition stage towards the greater goal, do this until you find a step you can actually do. There is always something you can do even if it is taking one step towards the door. (Surprisingly enough, even taking that one step can be hard)

Don't think of what you can't accomplish, instead think of what you can and have accomplished.
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  #129  
Old 05-17-11, 10:10 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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Toastmasters is about 40 bucks a year. You won't be the only one who struggles. People fear public speaking greater than death. You learn how to be a better public speaker, which means you learn how to write a speech, communicate it to your audience, etc. You get to participate in many components of a meeting or known.
I feel like such an idiot. I paid my dues recently. It's $38 every 6 months, totaling $76/year.
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  #130  
Old 05-17-11, 10:33 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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I feel like such an idiot. I paid my dues recently. It's $38 every 6 months, totaling $76/year.
Do you have to give them a credit card number? And do they automatically bill the credit card every 6 months?
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  #131  
Old 05-18-11, 01:36 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

After reading most of your posts i noticed that you claim that you have no genuine intrest in people and thus dislike 'small talk'. As you said, you don't like hearing about other people's intrests.

In reality, for normal people, small talk isn't about topics. It's about the enjoyment of a social interaction. In has nothing to do with intresting subjects.

I hope i'm not offending you but if you do not feel this sense of enjoyment from simple sociale interactions like that, then it is highly likely you will never have friends.
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  #132  
Old 05-18-11, 02:10 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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After reading most of your posts i noticed that you claim that you have no genuine intrest in people and thus dislike 'small talk'. As you said, you don't like hearing about other people's intrests.
I have a problem with your use of the word "thus," but it is true that I have no genuine interest in people and that I dislike small talk.

Quote:
In reality, for normal people, small talk isn't about topics. It's about the enjoyment of a social interaction. In has nothing to do with intresting subjects.
I am not like that, so cut me into little pieces, burn me at the stake, skin me alive, hang me.... Pick your favorite way to punish an inhuman creature like me.

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I hope i'm not offending you
You are not offending me.

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but if you do not feel this sense of enjoyment from simple sociale interactions like that, then it is highly likely you will never have friends.
I will probably never have friends. The problem is that my last therapist damaged me and now I feel miserable because I was reminded that I don't get "love" from people. It would seem like the problem can be solved, but I still don't know how to go about getting "love" from people since, as you observed, I don't get a sense of enjoyment from simple social interactions.

I guess the key is finding a therapist who will help me come to terms with my solitude and the fact that I am an idiot for wanting to receive positive emotions from people.

Hermits do it. Monks do it. With the right guidance I might be able to do it, too.
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  #133  
Old 05-18-11, 02:20 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

I will probably never have friends. The problem is that my last therapist damaged me and now I feel miserable because I was reminded that I don't get "love" from people. It would seem like the problem can be solved, but I still don't know how to go about getting "love" from people since, as you observed, I don't get a sense of enjoyment from simple social interactions.

Just out of curiousity, how would you define love? What do you expect from someone who loves you?


I guess the key is finding a therapist who will help me come to terms with my solitude and the fact that I am an idiot for wanting to receive positive emotions from people.

I fear that finding a therapist who's going to help you come to terms with solitude may be quite hard. As i believe most of them defy solitude.

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  #134  
Old 05-18-11, 02:25 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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... It would seem like the problem can be solved, but I still don't know how to go about getting "love" from people since, as you observed, I don't get a sense of enjoyment from simple social interactions.
....
If you brake an leg will it heal rapidly ?

What is more complex : your leg or your spirit ?

Why your spirit should heal more quickly than a leg can do ?
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  #135  
Old 05-18-11, 04:00 PM
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Re: I know people with Asperger's Syndrome who have girlfriends. How come I don't?

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nevermore ... It would seem like the problem can be solved, but I still don't know how to go about getting "love" from people since, as you observed, I don't get a sense of enjoyment from simple social interactions.
If you brake an leg will it heal rapidly ?

What is more complex : your leg or your spirit ?

Why your spirit should heal more quickly than a leg can do ?

Is it not possible to teach people to like things they don't like... Or is it?

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Just out of curiousity, how would you define love? What do you expect from someone who loves you?
Sounds like you want me to say something so you can contradict me. Why don't you tell me what love is and what I should expect from someone who loves me?
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