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Old 09-06-04, 02:20 AM
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Trooper Keith Trooper Keith is offline
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Unhappy A few self-observations, and rambling (Overstimulation, Social stigma, etc)

This post is basically a list of my own self-observations and admonitions, but I figured I'd post it because it could prove useful, if for nothing else than a topic of discussion.

1) Overstimulation and Non-sequitur Confusion -

I've found myself, when not medicated, to have a really hard time following things which occur suddenly. For example, today I was riding in a car, when suddenly the person in the front seat startles and yells something about it being present night at the place we're going, or something. This immediately derailed my train of thought. Then, later at night, I was sitting in my mod chatting about something, and someone finished my sentence with a word I wasn't planning on using. This, of course, really threw me through a loop.

Normally, when this happens, I get really confused. I have noticed that first I tend to cock my head to the side, and go "Wait what?" Then it turns into a whole slew of me holding my head and moving my hands around while I try to figure out what happened, but it rarely works.

The problem with this is that it's rather public: when it happens, I shut down and have absolutely no idea what is going on anymore. It totally derails me. The other problem is it normally takes several minutes for me to get back to where I need to be, or I just abandon it completely. This is a problem because really, shutting down like that is not acceptable, especially when in a social situation...

2) Following the Social Situations line -

I tend to become very anxious and inhibited in social situations, especially when I am put on the spot. Most of the time, this "other part" of my brain kicks in, and takes over. "Keith, you want to tell us about that." "Wait what? Wha...oh ok, yeah blah blah blah." The second part comes out of nowhere. Any ideas as to what that is?

3) "Outing" myself, and feeling semi-guilty -

I live in close quarters with about 12 other people. By this point in time, all of them have seen me "ADHD"ed up. Especially in the last couple hours, I was hanging out in the Mod, and totally unmedicated. I followed about half the conversations, dominated the other half, and interrupted people a lot. Even when I noticed that and said "Keith don't do that," I kept acting on those dang impulses...I hate that, but I wasn't dosing because I need to conserve what I have until I am certain I will be able to get more this week.

Part of me really wants to just say straightforward to everyone, "Look, I have ADHD, and I have these weird behaviors, and I can't really help them, but if you notice me doing them, let me know."

The other part hates telling people about it, for a slew of reasons: I don't want a social stigma ("that ADHD kid" ... it's bad enough being "The odd kid"), I don't want people to think I'm "crazy." I don't want to look like I'm whining "Oh woe is me I have ADHD." Etc.

I did kind of out myself in an impulsive comment about "welcome to the world of ADHD" when someone said something about how they think they'll eventually tune me out and only hear me half the time. I mean, that's how I am with everything all the time, heh. I then volunteered myself as a Case Study if the person (Spec Ed. - Moderate to Severe Major) needed one, heh.

4) Self-induced Anxiety problems -

I tend to do it a lot, and if I decide to get a full clinical evaluation, I'll probably end up actually getting Dxed with something because of it...whenever the "Hyperactive/Impulsive" gears are kicking in full swing, and I want to do something, I oftentimes work myself into an anxiety/panic attack...I dunno, it's just that a lot of times I want to do things on an impulse, and sometimes I can't do those things for some reason or another...and I don't know why and I can't control it, but it's like I'm going to die...I get really afraid, anxious, and angry sometimes... and now when I think about it I get a little depressed at how helpless I am to not do that, even though I know it's irrational, much like my fear of heights, etc...

I dunno...

Ok I forgot where this post was headed. Discuss, offer advice, sympathize, whatever...I think I'm going to MSPaint stuff, or something...
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