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Old 08-14-11, 06:30 PM
shavedfsh shavedfsh is offline
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I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

I am a young professional and to this day I still haven't had a girlfriend.

I thought it was because I was physically unattractive but then when I got my ADD meds I lost a lot of weight and got in good shape.

Right now I think I am reasonably good looking and I say it not only because I feel satisfied with what I see in the mirror but also because I catch women staring at me quite often (and it's not because I dress like a clown). You know, the moment I look at them they avert their gaze, as if feeling self-conscious because I caught them staring at me.

The bottom line is that even if I am wrong and I am way uglier than I think, my "confidence" is probably not what's getting in the way of my having relationships with women, since I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I just don't know how or where to pick up women...

I mean I often stop women in the city and pretend that I am lost and ask them for directions somewhere. They are usually polite, but I don't know how to escalate from asking directions to asking for a phone number or setting up date. Personally I think that the whole idea of "picking up" women in the street is kind of creepy but then again I am not a pick up artist so it's hard for me to perform this type of task without coming across a bit creepy.

So approaching random women in the street doesn't work for me. At the office there are no suitable candidates, so the office doesn't work for me either.

Someone recommended that I join a church. However, how am I supposed to pick up women at a church? Do I hang out in the entrance to the church before/after the mass? Do I hit on women while the priest is presiding over the mass?

I just don't get it. Why am I so miserably helpless when it comes to women? I am not even rejected! I am more like the guy who isn't even mailing out resumes because he doesn't know how to mail them or where to mail them to.
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Old 08-14-11, 06:37 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

This is a big reason why people go to bars and clubs, but admittedly its not easy there either.

Perhaps you should try some internet dating sites? Internet dating appears to be booming business nowadays, probably because most people encounter the problems you are facing. I too am subscribed to two such sort sites, but have never attempted to actually contact a woman through it so cant tell you how good it works. It seems like it should work though.
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Old 08-14-11, 06:50 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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Originally Posted by LaMbaL View Post
This is a big reason why people go to bars and clubs, but admittedly its not easy there either.

Perhaps you should try some internet dating sites? Internet dating appears to be booming business nowadays, probably because most people encounter the problems you are facing. I too am subscribed to two such sort sites, but have never attempted to actually contact a woman through it so cant tell you how good it works. It seems like it should work though.
I haven't had luck with online dating sites. Regardless, I would feel uncomfortable hooking up with women who hook up with men they find on the internet.
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Old 08-14-11, 06:55 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

and...? so am i. im moderately in shape, fairly attractive and have sexy qualities such as my innate ability to make people laugh yet be serious and wisdom like as well. but i am in highschool. in your case, i advise to go and make efforts to be in a relationship, go to a girl who you like (yeah as in 'like' like haha) and strike up conversation. dont pick up girls at a church unless you know they hate being there as much as you. otherwise you get a religious nut, possibly. and it's kinda weird to pick up at a church. just put yourself out there and stuff, ask buddies who are successful with women to help
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Old 08-14-11, 10:16 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

I wish online dating had existed in my youth. I've had more success in the last few years with online dating than ever before. I can lay out my whole situation, worts and all, and run some pics of myself. If they respond, they know what they're getting. And I DO get responses. I'm dating more frequently than ever before. (and I got almost no dates from 18-30) You should give this a try. I use Match.com but there are several reputable sites. DO NOT use Craigslist to find dates unless you want to get mugged (or worse).
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Old 08-14-11, 10:29 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

I honestly think that the best way to meet someone is to get out and do the things that you enjoy in a social setting. If you like reading, join a book club. If you like working out, join a gym, etc., etc.. You will find people who share your interests.

Women in general find men who have interests and social lives more attractive than men who stay at home and go online on dating sites.

Unless, of course, you're a computer geek, in which case the woman you want is online!

The important thing is that you have things going on in your life apart from the search for a girlfriend.

Also, not to be mean, but I have seen some alarmingly ugly people who appear to be in very happy relationships. So I doubt it has anything to do with the way you look. I think you might want to analyse more the way that you act around women. The best-looking guy who is creepy or weird will get nowhere with anyone but the desperate or unsober, in which case he may as well be ugly.

That's just MHO.
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Old 08-14-11, 10:41 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

I swear you remind me of someone ...anyhow don't focus on your looks or hers. Just ask a prepared talk to girls question like "whats that scent your wearing " or whats your favorite flower. Steer clear of cheesy lines.
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Old 08-15-11, 12:50 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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I swear you remind me of someone ...anyhow don't focus on your looks or hers. Just ask a prepared talk to girls question like "whats that scent your wearing " or whats your favorite flower. Steer clear of cheesy lines.
yeah that's the thing. I can't use pick up lines because that's cheesy. at the same time most women, especially the attractive ones, "know" that all guys who approach them just want to get laid, and raise their shields. so it's tough.
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Old 08-15-11, 12:54 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

Whatever you do dont use cheesy lines like girl you must be tired..Why because you've been running thru my mind all nite
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Old 08-15-11, 01:41 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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Originally Posted by shavedfsh View Post
Right now I think I am reasonably good looking and I say it not only because I feel satisfied with what I see in the mirror but also because I catch women staring at me quite often (and it's not because I dress like a clown). You know, the moment I look at them they avert their gaze, as if feeling self-conscious because I caught them staring at me.
Hi Shavedfsh!

FWIW, back in the olden days when I was dating, if I locked gazes with a man for more than a second, I would always avert my eyes. Admittedly I have trouble making eye contact with people I don't know, but I also think women are socially conditioned not to stare so as to appear demure and non-assertive, so don't necessarily take it as rejection.
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Old 08-15-11, 02:29 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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I just don't know how or where to pick up women...

I mean I often stop women in the city and pretend that I am lost and ask them for directions somewhere. They are usually polite, but I don't know how to escalate from asking directions to asking for a phone number or setting up date. Personally I think that the whole idea of "picking up" women in the street is kind of creepy but then again I am not a pick up artist so it's hard for me to perform this type of task without coming across a bit creepy.

I just don't get it. Why am I so miserably helpless when it comes to women? I am not even rejected! I am more like the guy who isn't even mailing out resumes because he doesn't know how to mail them or where to mail them to.
People put up boundaries for where you are supposed to meet someone. They say don't pick someone up at a bar. Ok. Then there's the "don't crap where you eat" thinking about work. So, where can we meet someone?

I don't think you're so bad with women. You have already found a way to initiate conversation (asking for directions), and that's a huge plus. It takes a lot of confidence to do what you've done. Also, don't rule out the walking on the street idea. I don't think it's creepy at all. There's a reason why you felt confident enough in yourself to do that.

Last summer, I was walking on campus and saw this blonde, and I forced myself to have a conversation with her. I stopped her and said hi. I didn't give her a lame pick up line or anything. I think I kept the conversation going with school topics. I did ask her for her number, and she gave it to me.

When you engage in conversation, you need to figure out ways to connect with them. Focus on their needs. You need to pay attention to their body language, because that is a good predictor to her level of interest. These are things that you just have to practice over and over again.

Church is an idea. You could join a public speaking group like Toastmasters. I met a woman there and dated her. Do you exercise or do zumba? That's another good one.
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Old 08-15-11, 02:29 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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I mean I often stop women in the city and pretend that I am lost and ask them for directions somewhere. They are usually polite, but I don't know how to escalate from asking directions to asking for a phone number or setting up date. Personally I think that the whole idea of "picking up" women in the street is kind of creepy but then again I am not a pick up artist so it's hard for me to perform this type of task without coming across a bit creepy.
Can I just say be careful when you are doing this? Most women I know (including myself) would feel unsafe if a man approached them for directions and it turns out they were soliciting for phone numbers. It is hard enough for women to feel safe when out and about. (Not having a go at you....as you said yourself, it's kind of "creepy". I think you are right.)

BTW, don't discount online dating entirely. It can be a good medium to get to know (as much as you can online) multiple people at once who are looking for a similar experience. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to meet up with a woman who uses an online dating service....surely they are probably looking for the same thing as yourself? I met my partner online. We emailed each other for 8 weeks before we even spoke on the phone. We are still together and have just had a baby. I found the experience to be relatively similar to meeting in person. You have to meet with a person multiple times before you can scratch the surface of their personality, anyway. We did it via email, like pen friends. I admit I had reservations about using an online dating service, but if you approach it sensibly and have a firm idea of what sort of experience you are after, it can be really positive, if only to boost your confidence.

All the best!
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Old 08-15-11, 02:42 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

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Can I just say be careful when you are doing this? Most women I know (including myself) would feel unsafe if a man approached them for directions and it turns out they were soliciting for phone numbers. It is hard enough for women to feel safe when out and about. (Not having a go at you....as you said yourself, it's kind of "creepy". I think you are right.)
I think approach and presentation are key. The security level of the woman is important too.

It's hard enough to work up the courage to talk to a woman. I'm not sure what may have happened in your past, but I don't consider someone trying to get a phone number as solicitation. I don't think it's terrible to talk to them on the street. What's the difference between that and a coffee shop?
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Old 08-15-11, 03:33 AM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

Okay, this is totally serious. Call it face-your-fears therapy or what have you.

Go up to a woman and say "Hey, I think you look stunning!" Then walk away. Do it 10 times. Because you do this as an experiment / a dare, you won't be all stupid anxious over it as you would if you were actually truly interested in her. I think you'll come out of that knowing more what to expect of a woman's reaction, and you'll find out that most women are not the praying mantises we often make ourselves believe they are.
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Old 08-17-11, 04:19 PM
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Re: I am a good looking guy and still have no girlfriend

Shavedfsh,

You probably have a lot of things you like to do and enjoy. You got into shape so is it running? biking? walking? reading a book? Do any and all these things you enjoy will full ADHD hyperfocus. You're probably already confident doing these things and people will see.

When you look up and catch eyes with someone, man or woman, say "hello" with the gusto that you have for the activity you're enjoying. You'll be giving them the positive energy, confidence and enjoyment of your life at the time. This will make them happy and it also feels good to just make the contact.

Whether the relationship goes further than just one "hello" you know you've spread your positive energy in the world. Positive relationships will follow. Whether or not you've "picked up a girl" becomes immaterial because you'll be working on positive relationships regardless of gender. Just remember relationships are work so treat them seriously.

This is the ADHDer's way. We can be the life of the party because of our energy and courage to be positive in the face of our own self doubts and negative self-talk. We can also blow off people because we just forgot. The keepers are the ones that understand and enjoy our special powers.

This approach can get others looking for girls for you. There are a lot of couples out there trying to set up their single friends. That "hello" to a guy might just get you an introduction to your future wife. I introduced a girl to a classmate and they've been married for 19 years.

Have fun out there.

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