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  #46  
Old 07-21-13, 09:12 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Keep wanting to post and deferring... so...

-Spending a ridiculous amount of time on online dating sites
-Slowly getting some days with 1 or 2 hours routine again but still all over the place
-The last 5 days I had bread for lunch and dinner
-I went for two dates this weekend so at least the Social Anxiety front got some work
-Work is going ok..... I did get a full 8 hours sleep before work last Thur
-Dad is home and recovering, helping him but with more boundaries so I don;t burn a days energy there...

So.... not much....... not nothing...

Oh yeah...... finally got paid from my new job..... first time i've had over $500 in my bank account in 2 years...... took 5 days to sink in....

Took 2 hours to waste 80% of it on non-immediately needed items ....

Very disappointed with that spending surge
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  #47  
Old 07-23-13, 04:32 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

The Number One Value ( clarifies itself )

My brothers and sisters. Riding home from the library today ( a strategy for clarity to study ) I had a thought about my "efforts"...

It occured to me in a clearer way that;

Our number 1. value should be......

Caring for ourselves


I mean, it's funny how these things sit right in front of your face... You work around them and next to them but rarely define them clearly and objectify the purpose and related goals.

Supporting evidence

-This whole diary, this whole FORUM! is ultimately about caring for ourselves
-All my efforts to get organised, clean, study, develop healthy lifestyle habits are about caring for myself
-The ACT/CBT and thinking tools and strategies I have discovered and resolve to apply are about about caring for myself
-Many posts here emphasise the necessity to be kind to ourselves, love ouselves and accept ourselves



Why did I not see the big picture?

So..... here was the missing link. By failing to see these efforts in a greater context of loving myself, valuing myself and being strong on a constant level, much effort was applied without gaining the full benefit.

I think I only realised because of these efforts and the effect they have had on my self worth.



What stopped me from loving myself

Anyone who has read some of this diary will perhaps be privvy to my;

-Self criticising loops adopted in childhood
-Inability to achieve my goals ( or even have goals )
-This whacky conflict I had between my understanding of humble and self inhibition
-All the ADD emotional fusion and failure to decipher and digest urges, move above and beyond them and tie them into the underlying domain

As I begin to realise that shining is ok ( my got i'm getting tingles - somewhat cringe, somewhat sheer love from writing that ) the number one value has clarified itself.



What does this mean?

If feel that this bigger picture on self worth and care will extend to;

-Deeper and more fulfilling application to this andother values and goals, particularly lifestyle
-More efforts on expression, communication and participation
-As I care for myself better, I believe I will care for others better



So there it is folks... All of you! Love yourselves, be kind to yourselves and care for yourselves!
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  #48  
Old 07-23-13, 05:06 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

You've got some fine journalin' skills!

Thanks for making the time to share your journey.

I loved the shining reference.

When I submitted my resignation a little over a year ago, I jammed to "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" as I drove out of the parking lot.
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  #49  
Old 07-23-13, 05:48 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Cheers Unmanagable...... I can hear the car revving
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  #50  
Old 08-04-13, 10:49 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Lost the battle to stay part of my kids lives - For the time being

So, it's been a pretty harsh weekend.

The isolation of my adulthood has had no greater impact than that with my children. Nobody to support my views, support me, fall back on...

This weekend my ex let me see the kids after 5 weeks of her changing her mind, being lazy, punishing me etc. etc.Is it any surprise that they "do not wan't to come to my house"...

So, they come, I go watch my son's football, he goes off to the movies straight after without talking to me...My daughter walks out the door laughing at me on Sat. I call my Ex, ok, she did bring the daughter back + 2 hours of talking about how "I am the problem" and how she is going to to "take them from me that night"..... Anyway, she changes her mind and lets them stay.

Sunday morning I sit down...... "So guys what are we going to do today" my daughter says "I'm going" and walks out the door...... My son says, "I'm going downstair to look for some stuff" and takes off, texting me some lie about seeing his sister and trying to talk her into coming back.

I get it, they are avoiding me. Thing is, I am not bad. They have learn;t to do what they like, take easy options, avoid and worst of all, all they have taken on all the poisoning from their mother.


So I call her, tell her they took off, that i'd like for her to sit down tonight and discuss respect. Time with me etc. What do I get, threats, blame etc. etc. So, she says "But i'm coming to get their stuff". I say, "No, they must come and get it and I will have a talk with them"....


Essentially, I broke down....... I told them I am trying so hard, I love them, I have always loved them and done my best. THat them disappearing and not being open with me is weak. That I'm broken and I have no more options.

So, there you have it...... Oh, yeah.....and after this my ex decides to walk up to my bedroom window, open it and start taking photo's of my room threatening all sorts of things.


Despite my love and efforts, it seems this battle is wearing me too thin, without support, I don't feel I can continue short term. Breaks my heart.

Courts..... too much time and energy for what, the right to call the cops if she doesn;t bring them. They'll still be poisoned.

Child services - Do I report her for being a psycho? I seriously doubt this will bring much good, for me long term perhaps, but the fallout? I mean, my poor kids have to take on some of her impulsive shallow traits. To the extreme, yes, perhaps they are being psychologically abused. Is intervention a greater stressor on them? There is no answer to that.

I'm afraid I have to put up the white flag on this one...... breaks my heart.


It seems that the only way is to develop my life better, and in time, re-establish on new terms......
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  #51  
Old 08-10-13, 03:06 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Losing Sleep

The last few days I seem to be have taken a hit from that drama with my kids + lack of methodical living.

3 hours sleep if i'm lucky per day. Broken hours etc.

Strange thing is....... today I wen't on a class field trip..... and the fatigue made me communicate like a normal person...... no cares...... loops..... inhibitions etc...... It kind of ties in with that fever thread on here........ I was off meds....... was funny, relaxed....... Odd existence where your enabled by being burn't out.... very odd.....

So, yeah..............

Went Out

I went out to this group event. Did not know anyone there and it was a younger crowd. Did the right thing and introduced myself to one of the organisers........ What do they do? Practically ignore me....... Does anyone come up and welcome you? Gees......

Good thing I was able to engage with two people off to the side and have a chat with a girl there. Lots in common etc. My goal was to talk to as many people as I could. Just so hard to do that when there is more than 2 or 3 people....... in a circle especially if they all know each other and perceive you as "different"......

Keep going with this social skills..... keep getting back to a settled routine.....
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  #52  
Old 08-11-13, 09:39 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

I just came across this website and this was the first thread I read. I saw you started writing in March and as I got to the last post I saw it was posted yesterday. That's cool that you've kept up with it for over five months. After reading through this, I might actively start posting/communicating with members on the forums. I'll give asummary of my situation and follow it up with a question I have for.

I was diagnosed at 12 with ADHD by my psychiatrist who wanted to put me on ritalin but my mother wouldn't let me take any type of amphetamine because my father was an electrician that would take speed to work double shifts, then go to the bars all weekend drinking and snorting cocaine. I wasn't able to focus in school or fall asleep because of anxiety, so I unfortunately turned to drugs. By age 13 I was smoking cigarettes and smoking pot at night to help fall asleep. By 16 the ADHD got so bad that I couldn't stand being in school and dropped out of high school my senior year I didn't even make it to my 17th birthday before this happened. I was only going half day too, I needed an literature class, gym and two bull **** electives to graduate. Probably the biggest regret of my life.

Spent the next six years smoking/selling pot and moving around from place to place, finding any friend that would let me stay with them as long as I kept them stoned. At 23 I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to have half my skull removed. It was a benign tumor but it was so close to reaching my brain that I still could of potentially went blind or died if it wasn't removed. After the surgery I decided to go back to school and try and get my life back together.

I enrolled in community college and after completing 24 credits I was able to obtain my GED through the college without taking the exam. I was living off of redbull during the time and that seemed to help a little bit, but I found myself always drawing and day dreaming in class. I ended up graduating with an associates degree and transferred to a 4 year school. Same scenario at the 4 year college, living off of redbull and still barely able to focus in class, always drawing/day dreaming and always waiting to the last minute to get any of my work done. I honestly don't know how I finished my first bachelors in 4 semesters. I also quit smoking pot/drinking alcohol in November of 2010. Still smoke cigarettes though.

The night of my business school graduation ceremony my step father stayed home because he had stage 4 melanoma cancer and was too doped up to attend, so it was just my mother & father, and my step-fathers sister and her husband. During the ceremony my neighbor called my mother saying the ambulance was at our home and my step-father fell into a coma. He was in the hospital from Dec 16th 10 until Jan 22nd 2011 when he passed away. During the time he was in the hospital I had developed a cold and wasn't allowed to go on his floor. I went to my regular doctor and he gave me some anti-biotics and after 24 hours I was feeling better.

This is where the beginning of my treatment for ADHD began. The doctor was nice enough (at the time) to prescribe me 30mg of adderall XR (once a day), 20mg of adderall instant (once a day), and 2mg of xanax (three times a day). The first month was rough the dose was definitely too high to start with, but I was so insanely focused and organized. I found myself keeping journals in excel of when I took my meds, when I started to feel the effect, how much coffee/food/cigarettes I had, and made of list daily of things I had to do and got them done.

So now its May 2012 and I was on the same dose of adderall and xanax and decided to go back to school for another bachelors degree this time in finance. I wanted to understand it more because my mother received life insurance from my step-father passing and I wanted to make sure she picked the right financial planner and I understood the selection of his investments.

I was so excited to be back in school and couldn't wait to learn new things. I was paying attention the entire time (2 classes a day, 3 hours each) and participating and answering questions nonstop. I went from always sitting in the back of the room hiding/drawing, to sitting up front taking notes and answering questions nonstop. It actually got to the point where my professors told me politely and joking to shut up and stop answering so many questions.

It's now October and my doctor cuts me off from my meds (I was doing your mother a favor) you need to go see a psychiatrist to get them. So I said ok no problem and went to the one he referred in November. This guy was a complete and utter ******* douchebag. Had me in and out in 5 minutes and lies to me. "here is a script for depakote, its better than xanax and will help you tapper off so you don't have seizures. You still have enough adderall left over so I'll write you a script in a month".

I should of known better and did my due diligence and researched this depakote junk. Turns out its for people that are bi-polar. Within 5 days my concentration was gone the adderrall had no effect and I wasn't sleeping because I had no xanax. I was crying daily out of no where, for no reason at all. I was a complete mess and when I went back to the doctor after 4 weeks of taking that crap and told him everything, his response "I'm glad to hear your doing better" I'm like did you not hear a word I just said? You gave me a drug for bi-polar disorder and I have ADHD/anxiety issues and my life went to **** because of you. This was December of 2011. So from December of 2012 until May 2012 I struggled in school again with concentration and sleep and it showed. I was so stressed out and I gained about 60 pounds. I cut myself off from all of my friends and family who were worried about me, and my professors were even concerned too. They saw the change in the way I was in the classroom and asked if everything was alright. So I got my 2nd bachelors in May and started looking for a new psychiatrist. My selection was limited because the insurance I had from the college sucked, so I ended up seeing only one psychiatrist and it took 2 months just to get an appointment. He agreed that I did have ADHD/anxiety but would only give me 5mg of adderall instant (once a day) and .5mg of xanax (once a day). It wasn't helping at all and before I could even go back a second time to see him my insurance ran out.

So now its August 2012 and I'm a complete mess. I'm unemployed, running out of money, and on no meds. It stayed that way until about April 2013. I had to go on medicaid to get health insurance (THANK YOU OBAMA) and I saw a regular doctor for a physical. He referred me to a psychiatrist and this time it took 3 months to get in. I saw him July 8th 2013 and this guy was so sincere. He spent over 2 hours asking me questions and talking about my symptoms and he was spot on. He asked me what I use to take and what do I "want". I was hesitant at first to say 30mg XR, 20 instant, and 90 2mg xanax, so I asked for half. I got a script for 15mg XR, 10mg instant, and 2mg of xanax half a pill 3 times a day (3mg max).

Within the first week of being back on the meds I was noticing the changes. I fixed up my resume, my linkedin profile and posted my resume on a few websites. The next day
I was contacted by so many recruiters and setup three interviews. Granted these were three of the biggest companies in NY, but all the jobs turned out to be sales positions so I declined. I didn't go to school to be $60,000 debt and take a job with no salary and income based on commissions.

A month went by and meds are working but I'm only getting 5-6 hours a day of concentration, but I'm sleeping. I see the psychiatrist again and he upped the instants to twice a day. So now I'm taking 10mg instant + 15mg XR as soon as I wake up, and another 10mg instant 3-4 hours later. I'm getting about 7-10 hours a day of focus and for the most part sleeping. I had to limit myself to only one cup of coffee a day, because anymore than that, I find myself up until 3-4am and I'm taking the full 3mg of xanax sometimes 4mg, instead of the 2mg.

So I'm now 29 years old (30 in 3 months) still unemployed, credit cards maxed out, savings are down to maybe 6 months tops before I can't pay rent and I'm still getting contacted for stupid sales positions. On the bright side, I'm focused and actively looking for work and feel very optimistic about the future. It's been 2 years 8 months and 7 days since I smoked any pot and 2 years 8 months as of today 8/11/13 since I had my last sip of alcohol.

Anyways I can relate to people and their problems on here which is helpful and look forward to chatting with you guys. If I wasn't on adderall right now, there is no way in hell I could of sat down and wrote this. I just sat here for an hour typing away my little story. Sorry for taking up so much space on your thread, but letting it out felt good.

My question for you SOMEOTHERTIME: Are you still on medication? If you are, what are you currently taking and how much? Has your dosage increased anymore or at all ? Any new meds added to the mix?

Overall you think the meds helped getting back out into the social scene? (I'm still a hermit according to my friends, since I never go out, I get too nervous around large groups of people)

Any tips for transitioning into the workforce ? (I've only interned for small company with two employees me & owner. I've never had a "real job aka career involving me being in a office situation with several people and distractions & lots of responsibilities)


I'm only asking because I think I'm going to eventually need my XR's boosted back up to 30mg and the xanax probably up to 4mg a day max. I definitely notice the changes daily of how long my attention and focus is lasting and sleeping is getting a little bit harder.

Wanted to hear your thoughts and others about gradually increasing dosage over time to get the full effect required for a work day. Last time it took me about four months to get to that "perfect daily routine". I'm only five weeks in so far, but I've made some improvements moving forward in life and actually left my apartment twice to go see movies with friends.

Thanks you for sharing your stories and reading mine (I hope lol)
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  #53  
Old 08-19-13, 09:10 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Firstly, I wan't to thank you for sharing your story. Take up as much space as you want......everyone here is my family. ( and sorry it took me so long to reply, again i'm somehow unsubscribed from this thread, i'll check that!!! )


I am honoured that you are seeking info ( actually I'm balling, I became overwhelmed with pride that someone is asking me for advice massive emotional overflow )...


Regarding your story;

What you shared about your time on the bipolar medication is a stark and confronting story to all of us including the medical profession about how medication can influence our lives. My soul truly mourns when I hear about experiences such as this.

It is an unfortunate situation that we face so many prejudices and misconceptions when seeking therapudic alleviation of symptoms.

I am so relieved to hear that you sought out another practitioner and was able to receive a more suitable medication.



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Are you still on medication? If you are, what are you currently taking and how much? Has your dosage increased anymore or at all ? Any new meds added to the mix?
I am on 15mg dexamphetamine twice a day.

My initial dose after coming off strattera was 10mg twice a day.

If I worked in an mentally intensive job I believe I could / should be up to 20/25mg twice a day now.... However, I'm small 55kg, and most times I only take the old dose 10mg twice a day.... It is slightly underdose but I would prefer to err on the side of caution.

So, yeah if I were the average worker at the average size somewhere around 20-30mg would be a basic dose but everyone is different.

No new meds have been added. Initially before diagnosis and a few months after I felt I might need perhaps an anxiety med. Now I have had time to put some ( 20% of what I'm truly capable of ) work into thought tools and challenging my approach / methods for thinking / feeling /doing...... I feel I can do without any anxiety meds.

HOWEVER....... the next point may have some bearing on that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt_NY View Post
Overall you think the meds helped getting back out into the social scene? (I'm still a hermit according to my friends, since I never go out, I get too nervous around large groups of people).
Yes, the meds helped me a massive amount. Mostly as an enabler, kind of like what you were describing when you sat at the front of the class. I know, I'm exactly the same, we do well in intellectually structured environments.

Socially, meds are like rumination teflon. They got me out, but once i'm out there are a multitude of skills that I am working on and have to draw on to get through / participate.

I mean't to post about my recent disputing ( social outings ) activities so I will do this now...

But before I do, I need to say that I take a dose before going to these events at night. I do not think this is "bad" per-se... Isolated occasion's that benefit you immensely that will not lead to expedited tolerance.

Last Week - Group Gathering - Pub

Younger crowd, most people new each other. Wen't up to the organiser and introduced my self as new.... They did NOTHING!

Very lucky to find a girl and guy talking off to the side and chatted with her for an hour... Very logical conversation. Today I had the revelation that not knowing how to have fun has been a key stressor / inhibitor to my life.

Wen't for a cigarette, came back inside and left. ( Too / tired / lazy / anxious / mentally empty to attempt to connect with others ) but all in all I class as a success.

Friday Night - Pizza Dinner

Dinner with a more mature crowd 35-50 x 12... I got a bit put off ( old thinking habits ) by people who decided to dismiss me within one or two sentences from me ) but, in my pre-med / therapy days I would have got angry / scornful / resentful / rebellious for the rest of the night, I decided to focus on those who were still interested in engaging and pushed my self to ask more questions, devulge more knowledge / angles to my personality and I believe a few were a little surprised with my diverse thinking ( Also reminding myself that the closed people were normal, not everyone will like you, etc etc. )

Toward the end of dinner, A loud band started playing and it totally threw me off.....The girl next to me did not stop talking for more than 20mins and while I listened actively and intensly, they wen't to sit on some couches and agin, I withdrew ( possibly for a cigarette, possibly from boredom / anxiety )... again a success, albeit I could have tried to stay abit longer and develop the connections better.

Learning from these two events was that quieter, more intimate engaging events are much easier for me. Also, smoking is a major barrier to me socially.


Sunday - Bushwalk

All these people were nice, they shook hands said hi, everything was going great until 2-3 hours into the walk..... I'n not sure if it was after I had some cigarettes or talked a little about myself most of them suddenly started to ignore me...... Possibly it could have also been how some sentinces come out like a poor / uneducated person then the next sentences come out like a philosipher, I think this makes people very off put for some reason. This really brought back some old loops more so than the pizza event because these people are more my "type"...

It was a wonderful walk, scenery. Good practice for me to keep present and working through these thoughts and not withdrawing. There was one girl there who seemed to help / empathise with me. I may message her and ask if there was anything obvious she noticed that may be intimidating / scaring people.


NOTE: A pretty key thing in me functioning at these events is having a SUBCONTEXT. Something to achieve other than just being me. By telling myself to work on communication, work on thinking, THIS IS MY GOAL........ I don't fall back into insecurities

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt_NY View Post
Any tips for transitioning into the workforce ? (I've only interned for small company with two employees me & owner. I've never had a "real job aka career involving me being in a office situation with several people and distractions & lots of responsibilities)

Wanted to hear your thoughts and others about gradually increasing dosage over time to get the full effect required for a work day.
With this, getting help from that disability employment provider / others was the greatest enabler.

Also, phasing work in slowly is pretty key, if this is not possible start going to the library everyday and set yourself the task of talking to three random strangers with the goal of not having any negative thoughts ( READ: "The happiness trap"! )....

Meds wise, I'm only working two days a week. A dose is supposed to last 4 hours but it does start to fade between 3 - 3.5hours. I'm still grappling with this, I'm mostly productive but there are a few 10min occasions where I freeze or go too fast or get buried in overthinking it...... SO yeah, mostly ok, but a lot of signs / self signals and care that needs to happen.......


So there you have it my friend.......

I wan't to thank you heaps for prompting me to update some of these points and sharing your story. Once again, sorry I did not see this for so long and hope to hear more about how your doing!
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Old 08-21-13, 09:47 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Does dexamphetamine have an actual name like adderall or ritalin?

I was looking online and didn't really find much but I'm also waiting for my morning dose to kick in and I'm too lazy to really research it.

Do you have troubles sleeping at night?

You mentioned you take it before you go out to socialize, but I'm also assuming you're drinking when you go to the pub. I never take anything after 2:00 pm, I'm afraid to be up all night, which is now starting to happen outta nowhere.

The last week for some reason I haven't been able to fall asleep and haven't changed my daily routine at all. It's still the same time every day that I take my adderall, drink my 2-4 cups of coffee, and take my xanax at night time. I use to be asleep by maybe 1:00 am the latest and awake between 8:00 to 10:00 am the latest. Since August 15th until last night August 20th, I've been up until 4:00 to 6:00 am, and waking up now 6:00 - 10:00 am. Last night I fell asleep around 4:30 am and I woke up around 7:30 am. I'm not sure if I built up a tolerance to the xanax and need a higher dose. I use to take 2-6mg a day back in 2011, now its 2-3mg, and my insurance only allows up to 4mg a day. I don't see my doctor until October 8th, because he is going on vacation and conferences, so I can't even see him for another two months to try and fix the problem. He did however write me six scripts since he won't be around. I fill up all three pills tomorrow, and then again on the September 21st. So I'll end up seeing him 13 days before my next refill and hopefully get them increased.

Since I read your posts that first and decided to keep my own journal, I went kind of nuts of with excel. I have a spreadsheet for all types of different journals now: #1 Daily weight journal - tracks how much I lost in total (daily, weekly, monthly in pounds and percentage), #2 Cigarette journal - Starts with the day I bought a carton of 200 cigarettes (Tracks when I smoke, how much I smoke a day, what it costs me a day,month/year at that rate and when I should expect to run out), #3 Medication journal - what time of day I take each drug and dosage (Also keeps track of the day I filled the drug, the day I need to refill, and has a column for how many extra I have if any at the end of each day), #4 THE EVERYTHING JOURNAL - This one is so complex. It has when I went to sleep the day before + when I woke up to compute the total hours of sleep I am functioning on for the day, it has when I woke to when I fall asleep to compute the total hours awake for the day, it has when I take all of my medications, the dose, the time between doses, and the time for them to kick in and computes the total time I was focused throughout the day. It keeps tracks of how many times I eat during the day/night and computes the total meals for the day (I need to start adding calories/fat etc to it), it does the same for how much coffee I drink and other liquids consumed (mainly water + a fruit/vegetable juice) and computes a total of how many ounces a day I drink, it keeps track of how many times a day I go to the bathroom (#1 and #2), and computes how many times total. Finally with each entry made, I type in the time with additional notes added to explain how I feel. Here's a sample lol.

11:30 AM - Awake - TOTAL HOURS ASLEEP = 7 hours 15 minutes
11:35 AM - (1) 15mg XR, 10mg Instant
11:45 AM - Pee #1
12:00 PM - Started drinking coffee (8oz) and eating a nutrigrain bar
12:05 PM - Poop #1
1:00 PM - Starting to feel focused - TIME TO KICK IN = 1 hours 25 minutes
1:20 PM - (2) 10mg Instant - TIME BETWEEN DOSES = 1hour 45 minutes
3:30 PM - Dogs barking nonstop and distracting me, still focused
6:30 PM - Eating a Lean Cuisine dinner + glass of juice (8 oz)
7:35 PM - Starting to get a headache took 2 ibuprofen
8:00 PM - Headache really bad now
8:55 PM - Headache basically gone.
9:30 PM -Not really focused anymore - TOTAL TIME FOCUSED 8 hours 30 minutes
10:00 PM - (3) 2mg xanax
1:15 AM - (4) 1mg xanax - TIME BETWEEN DOSES = 3 hours 15 minutes
4:45 AM - Starting to fall asleep - TOTAL TIME AWAKE = 17 hours 15 minutes

There's more entries for that day and everyday in general but just wanted to show you what is basically looks like. On the left side is the time + journal entries, on the right side is a summary of all the facts for the day used with cell references. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a number fanatic, especially when I'm on my medication and fully focused. I can spend all day on excel making spreadsheets of budgets/forecasts and just crunching numbers all day long.

I apologize also for the "too much information" regarding my bathroom visits, but for me I gotta keep track of that. I'm not one for using public facilities in general cause of my anxiety. I can't take a leek if anyone else is in the room, and I avoid using public restrooms if I gotta go #2. During college it wasn't so bad, my classes were 3 hours max with a 10 minute break in the middle so I could go **** if I had to (I'd go to the top floor of the building where it was only faculty offices and 9 outta 10 times the bathroom was empty), if I had to take a crap I would just hold it and drive home after class (2 minute drive up the hill). If I end up finding a full-time job, these are issues I'm going to have to get under control, so I'm trying to work on managing them.

I just scored my first new client for my college tutoring business yesterday (I haven't lectured any students since May 2012) so I'm pumped about finally having some money coming in so I can go out and socialize. I usually charge $50 an hour for sessions that normally last 3 hours (all cash and off the books too) and this student's mother contacted me and requested at least 4 full sessions. $600 right now would be a blessing, I could use $100 to go out one night with my friends and the other $500 covers about 60% of my rent. I'm only down to about 6 months left of savings, so that just bought me an extra 2 weeks. Not to mention it's been so long since I could go out to a nice restaurant with my friends and afford to spend $100. At least I don't drink alcohol so I can load up on the food + desert, and gives me a chance to go talk to some drunken women to attempt to go home with. (Still gotta lie about my current situation though when talking to someone I meet for the first time, which sucks and leads to one night stands only)

I think I'm like what your last post said too:

Learning from these two events was that quieter, more intimate engaging events are much easier for me. Also, smoking is a major barrier to me socially.

That sounds like me in a nutshell. I'd like to have more one on one's since I don't function well in bigger groups, they make me feel uncomfortable and left out (which I know you mentioned before too.

Smoking is my safety net 100%. If I need an escape I just go outseif on my own and smoke in a nice peaceful environment (did that at the last two family weddings I went to, I kept going out like every 15-20 minutes to avoid people and kill time. I really hate being around drunk people especially when I'm sober, and I hate dancing!)

I ran into a girl I went to school with since I was 11 a few days ago when I was getting coffee and even though I was focused and was relaxed with zero anxiety at the time, I ended up talking to her for about an hour and counted that I smoked 4 cigarettes during the time. I don't know why I smoked so many, the conversation was fine with no moments of silence. I dunno if maybe I had anxiety and the smoking helped, or if it was the fact I was outside and coffee and cigarettes is such a good combination.

I felt bad too since she doesn't smoke, but each time I lit one up I said I was sorry and asked for her permission, she didn't mind which was cool. I'm like 99.99% sure too that for the last 17 years she's been in love with me and still is. The topic came up that we're both currently single, and she was clearly waiting for me to make a move. I can't approach that though until I get myself a job and back on my feet, which she also seemed cool with waiting on. It boosted my motivation though, that's for sure, but I still need to soil my roots some more haha.

I guess that's my update since my last post, I'll check back in later this week to see how you're doing. If you like excel and want a copy of my templates let me know. I think they are really good for keeping track of day-to-day activities.
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Old 08-23-13, 11:28 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Taking on the man - A WIN for the little guy

Thoughout my life there has been a common theme. That of FAIRNESS. I think it is driven from a fairly young age, partly cause my mom always harped on about doing the right thing and focussed on others. Partly because of my compassionate spirit and a few other things.....I digress.

I have had many conflicts with authority. Teachers, police......anyone who took an authoritive stance I perceived as unfair........ Until recently, it made me mad......which just enforced their views and exacerbated any situation not leading to a net benefit for anyone. These days I'm more balanced and understanding of most things. I do better at seeing the other persons perspective and being realistic about what is and isn't a serious injustice.

With thanks to my diagnosis and treatment, I have some new tools in my kitbag Some of which came in very handy last night when I was;


Bullied by two security guards

I had a massive day yesterday. Up at 4am ( actually I woke up at 12:30, bugger knows why ) Leave for work on the pushbike 5:30am.

Finish work and ride home on the pushbike 1:30pm.

Wash clothes try to organise food, college books, bike etc.

Leave for night class 3:45pm......Finish night class 9:45pm........



Anyway.....I'm heading home..... me being the observant, considerate person I am.......... I got to the furthest point on the railway station........light my cigarette......... Nobody within 20meters of me and the wind heading down the track,

Two security guards come in a v-line from far away ( they must have seen me on a camera downstairs ( NOTE: HEAPS of people smoke here in the daytime, no enforcement at all..... )

So, I'd only had two puffs by the time they'd got to me....... They came up and stood .5meter away and aggressively told me to put it out........ I detected an overpresence of testosterone and predjuduce so I just ignored them.......... no eye contact......... just puffing away while they got aggressive and threatening so I turned away from them.......still smoking.......


Thing is........ they have no power.......... I know they have a job to do.............. but seriously.............

They start PUSHING ME........ 5'1" guy in a non threatening position and two 6ft guys pushing me......... Still puffing away

Luckily, two more security guys came and they were polite.......so I said no worries...... put it out....... told them if the intimidating two guys backed off I would present my Ticket and ID etc.........

The other two guys were ******!!! Theystood in the background saying the've called the cops........ Telling me I am a lazy scurge on society because I have a concession card ( cheaper tickets ).........

At this point I could not help but smile at them I softly said that they require the adoption of more humility


Got on my train and the police arrive, the two guys start jumping up and down "There is the guy who wan't to give us trouble.....the rude argumentative guy".....

Guess what........ stayed totally calm Explained to the police that I'm not a fan of being pushed and spoken to aggressively and they could fine me for smoking if they wanted.

The guy who was pushing me around stood sheepishly in the corner as I asked the kind officer about his day



WooHooooooooo!!! Betcha those cowboys will think twice before trying to act like vigalanties.


The shocking thing about all this is the potential for those with mental issues to be totally mistreated in these kind of ways.
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Old 08-23-13, 11:36 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

I've just read a few of your recent posts on this thread. Boy, someothertime, I had no idea about all the crap you are dealing with. I'm so sorry about the situation with the kids. I can't even imagine how heart breaking that must be.

You really handled the situation with the security guards well. Grrr though @ them mishandling you.

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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer



Right back at ya babe
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Old 08-26-13, 04:30 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Insatiable__________________and lonely

Feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

I'm beginning to wonder if all that drive I had in the first 6 months came from the same place I got motivation for most other efforts in my life........ being downtrodden..... and this loss of routine of late is not because of stressors / too much efforts so much as I thought it was..... but it's a waring off of spite / "i'll show you world".....

It just has not come back at even 50% of what it used to be.

I've achieved a lot;

-I now have a job
-I now have some days where I engage and counteract my inhibitions
-I've been out maybe 10-15 times in the last 12 months

These social outings I wen't to....... at the time...... they were for me to "possibly" make new connections...... but in the meantime I was supposed to be working on communication skills......... The latter, yes some success there....

In term of meeting people....... nope....... actually, there is this thought of being insatiable. That, I'm just never satisfied. It's been touched on heaps in some threads here......

Just wanted it in the diary that I feel lonely, and, maybe that is the status quo for a long time to come.
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Old 08-31-13, 05:32 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

No Privacy

I'm gonna have to be out of my dads house in 12 months, maybe 6.... the sooner the better.

I feel really violated, he let's my Ex and Daughter in the house when I'm not here. THey come to take stuff.

My daughter came in my room today ( and for a little salt in the wound it is Fathers day ). She has in the past gone through my things and violated my privacy.

I will be checking locks tomorrow and putting one on my door. My Dad has no idea. He .... capitulates to anything they ask because he wants to be seen as kind and approachable but they just use him.

Terrified of going out on my own. I mean, some stuff i've done this year gives me a little hope I might be able to go out and develop connections and not be so isolated. And I know, I have to place less emphasis on others for my happiness.


The Woman in the Wheelchair

There is a woman I have seen a few times sitting alone at a coffee shop with her dog in a wheelchair. I'm drawn to her. Each time I've seen her I turn around and ask if she would like some company ( in my mind )....

Here is the odd thing. This week, there was just her dog sitting there. I wen't into the shop..... did all my things.......

As I was approaching the exit, I look up, and there she is, facing the other way, she goes to put her purse somewhere next to her and it falls on the ground.

I, like any decent person pick it up and follow her outside, handing it to her gently. She thanked me, although, I couldn't talk. I just gave her a gentle smile and drifted off, ruminating about how much of a coincidence it was and that I should have talked to her.......

If she is there next week..... I am gonna try introduce myself....
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Old 09-01-13, 05:26 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Locks on the door for sure!

It's human nature for people to be curious and go through others things. Even though its wrong and they know it, it's happens. I use to look through my parents stuff for pain killers to pop, or spare cash laying around to get drugs. That was another life though.

Being independent and going out on your own is 100% scary, but at some point we all have to do it. Living at home has its benefits and downsides, but when you finally go out on your own, you realize its way more rewarding. I've gone back and forth from living alone then back home too many times, it's an ongoing cycle. I'm moving back out though ASAP and this time for good!

Stay strong man and don't lose hope!
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