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  #91  
Old 11-10-13, 04:17 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

really excellent!!!
cool, you guys at the pub and the beach
glad you got the notes you need!
and thank you for recognizing "admin people who care". i sometimes get frantic requests from colleagues from other offices, i really try to help.
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  #92  
Old 11-13-13, 09:39 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Day at the beach and my employment agency / employer pointing the finger at me

i'll try write a bit briefer this time so there's less mumbo jumbo


my employment lady calls me today while i was a the beach. i'm still healing from my shoulder injury. basically there has been all this banter / "needs" been thrown around to divert the attention away from how good a job i've done and the fact that i'm requesting clarification over permanency ( or at least a uniform! ).

-i asked for this like 6 weeks ago. there has been and endless cycle of my employer saying he'll meet me or do one thing then not doing it. i sit down with the employemnt lady and the cycle repeats.
-she calls him, he says "i need to be more proactive in contacting him" ( want's to get her off his back )... I talk to him....... we resolve it..... he does not follow up or attend or do what we agreed.

-here is the thing tho. i'm happy with the people, waiting until i get clearance to go back.... i'm in a fairly good place.
-the involvement from the employment lady has just stressed the whole situation out cause its not just me asking him for answers.... they are two..... they also have other agendas / incentives to get me a certain amount of hours and the lady today went too far...

-despite telling me the next time he reniggs, she will call a meeting with the three of us....... she calls me and says i have to call him at 4pm. I explain to her that we are just repeating this stuff again and again..... that she said she'd call a meeting....


I could tell she was trying to offload on me..... I calmly explained to her that I function quite well given consistant, clear modes....THat having to make decisions every day and ambiguity creates all sorts of issues for me.. That I've stretched myself and done everything to date they have asked. But asking to to "call him today" and "keep calling him for work"..... I explained to her that for 11 weeks it did not operate like that. I got a text message on the days before I worked. Why they have suddenly decided to go blurring things around and then pinning the responsibility on me I have no idea...



what did she do?

she treated me like a 5 years old;

-what's with this attitude?
-it's up to you ( me ) to keep calling him

WTF? She's;

a) Totally not valued how clear, proactive and patient i've been with her and my boss
b) She's pushing something that does not need to be pushed in that way
c) She's shifting blame back onto me and totally not respecting my "disability"


I called her boss and explained the situation. Hopefully she can take a look at her actions and see her pushing and cycling and finger pointing at me is not appropriate.



At the beach

Was supposed to meet Ocyan this morning at his hotel. He called me last night and I was like "sure man, meet you at 9:30am".......

Totally underestimated. Not realistic at all. Or my organisation / getting there the next day was not.... probs a bit of both

Anyway, I just caught him leaving his hotel with a mini-bus to the beach.... I said i'd meet him there...

Walked 1/3... Got on a bus.... It started to get too crowded... I get really anxious ( mini breathing attacks when I have to be near ( within 1-3m of strangers...... just feels like they are all looking at me..... I know the solutions to this....( thinking wise and what's logical ) tho' I got off the bus and walked the rest of the way.

Walked up and down the beach twice TOTALLY NOT REALISING I COULD JUST CALL HIM!!! which I did... He was with three women and they were about to have lunch.... I declined...... Thinking about it now perhaps I did not give it enough thought..... But i'd already eaten and just finished walking abit so just wanted to sit back...


That I did. Chilled. Worked on relaxing. Read a bit.

Wen't and sat on the top of the hill as it was getting dark..... should have taken a photo to post!

It was beautiful..... this time though.... Not only was I checking it out but I was not "focussing" Just observing.......


What do you know..... All of a sudden I start getting these insights.... Tying in some of Osho's book with my life and understandings...... It is true what he says is that when you walk towards the wall..... you empower you energy rather than tainting it....


Anyways...... Lovely afternoon ( I did walk back up to the train station tho' ( 1hr ) HAHAHA!!! P.S. Ocy, apologies i had difficulty meeting at our arranged time but I know you understand man Besides, I'm pretty sure you enjoyed the alternate company


I get the feeling that being really close to people ( vecinity ) thing is just the way I am.....
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  #93  
Old 11-18-13, 01:52 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Haven't put enough in here...

Latest visit to the therapist... wish i'd written alot of the other visit's here cause they very quickly fade........


I'm shy....... tho most people don't have a clue about it...... apparently I mask it.........
Seems my exterior is quite "solid", "aggressive"...... definate....... the exact opposite of what's inside.....


It seems that i'm triggered into avoidance by conflict..... I lack initiation....... I have not been to my course in two weeks.... since I had the conflict there..... We discussed I should go there and ask them about options..... I will do that tommorrow....


We discussed the likelyhood I was understimulated..... that my boss' misconceptions about me had triggered my withdrawl..... my injury and subsequent isolation has intensified my innattention and just about every other aspect of my behavior......


We discussed alternate paths...... something more fullfilling..... That I need to "decide"......


Oh yeah...... that's probably the most start deficiency of them all.......... I do not know how to decide........ I bork at initiation...... I must consider pathways that provide stimulation..... control ( coping mechanism for shyness ).....

I have though about a psychology degree many many times......... the environment.......internet entrepreneurship...... even something that combines the three....... the ends is clear......... the means tho......... takes the vision so far away it almost vanishes......




So..... much ponderance to be had......... try to recover my job from a boss that has built assumptions..... face a few months of doubt from colleges.... all the the potential of constant doubts about fulfilment..... appreciation......



Pathways need to be recc'd....... inventory the supplies.......... map the directions and build activity...... in more than one facet........ rewarding in more than one way...............built on elements of control....


Much ponderance indeed......




We did talk about positives though........... guess which website made some's number one positive for the month
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  #94  
Old 11-19-13, 04:17 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Got fired today.

I'm alot better at dealing with these things than in the past.

It's disappointing. I've been judged by a few people in the company and assumption. Then measured against others not what I have done at work. The fact I don't have a sugar tongue nor am verbose of mouth ( shy ) seemed to have damned me from the start.... no matter what the evidence. People don't get i'm shy......they see me as arrogant and aggressive...... i'm really going to have to try and pickup in the future when this is having an adverse impact...... and tell those people i'm shy...


He could be honest..... he couldn't come out and say "I put you in my too hard basket cause you don't bow and beg"...


In hindsight, my employer assistance lady telling him about my disability was the nail in the coffin. Instead of him demanding less of me on the phone he switched the whole situation based on me.



I replied to his email..... I tried to resist but I had to let him know that the evidence showed I was a good worker and that he was firing me based on assumptions.


One door closes another one opens I'm seriously considering uni but i'm not sure how i can support that.......




Ex is back this time with no demands


This is a toughie..... i'm feeling vulnerable at the moment...... I know at some stage I gotta re establish comms with her but I know if I open the door right now i'll get burntfor the 6000th time..... at least she's stopped screaming for a bit.
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  #95  
Old 11-21-13, 11:20 AM
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It doesn't take much

I love this post, I read the whole thing and want to go back again and read it and read it because there's so much of my life story here, and I'm really inspired by S's relentlessness, getting down to it, the lack of feeling sorry for oneself, (that I've mostly gotten rid of but its residuals or derivaties continue to permeate the mind then life, ie the thinking that I should be able or want to run the marathon when I don't even go for a walk, thinking I should feel ok when I haven't eaten bc I forgot, etc.), the work on a whole number of really HeavyDuty issues like our families, children, sig.others, being present, defining our needs, no less values, all at the same time. And also finding the time/energy to sit down and write about these things in a candid, natural manner, w/o selfediting. Pretty dazzling to me.

Putting ADD into perspective, learning to live with it somehow is really a full time job for me. And I know learning to live with, and living are not quite the same things. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge, and as I get older I find I am "edge" leary, as I know just how much effort it takes to put the pieces back together. Probably my reticence at meeting up, social anxiety.

I went to work today /part time/ and went to therapy and she claims that attention problems are just due to wanting to feel defended, a protection reaction. I've learned not to react so quickly, to breath a couple of times, and maybe she's right, wtf do I know, but today I let the word "just" get to me. Then I start explaining myself and then I'm on thin ice (admittedly the system doesn't acknowledge ADD here). And though really it's been a nice day somewhere between 13 and 14 I start to feel a bit off, and when I go back to work I notice they have to tell me everything twice. Sometimes I can almost remember and fake it. But let's say ok, the car isn't wrecked. It's just that it doesn't take much and I find it really difficult to recognize what's going on with me in real time, or any time, and then I overcompensate, and people sense this, they think I am aloof, or too intense, a teacher told me this recently I can't work with you bc you're too intense.

Anyways, I have this full time job learning to live with this ADD. Sometimes even life gets in the way and it doesn't take much to derail me. But I want to mention one other thing, kind of embarassed, and don't really know where to put it, maybe I don't want to put it up as a separate thread., so I'll put it in here. I was in a really abusive marriage for years, I don't know why I stayed, and for the life of me I don't know how I managed, of course I didn't really, but I kind of have these McGiver genes and I think I can fix things, or even should. Last winter, on top of lost job, zero prospects for something else, death in the family, continued abuse (and even if I didn't pay attention well, I was still doing the best I could), my wife came up with incest allegations against me, started advertising this to people generally, the school, etc., even in the block where I used to live people would not get in the lift with me, and my daughter is caught up on all this drama. It was too much for me to cope with and I ended up in the hospital. Took some work to get out, and really a s...load of work to get back to some kind of reality for myself. Here I am trying to build a life with me as my best friend, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who "he" is. And maybe I should leave this out, but I really want to put it out here, with you. ... Not yet to shining, but I love reading about it here. My head doctor keeps telling me I have to accept my bus left, but here I am, and sooner or later I'll get on another. At least I like to think I will.
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  #96  
Old 11-21-13, 08:23 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Thankyou 1000... for your honesty... your time and your compliment. "bus left" No... this is not accurate. There are some things that are in the past that cannot be changed. How they effect us and indeed whether they are good or bad comes down to us.

There is this thing called placebo belief. I'm still working out where it fits in, but basically you choose to tell yourself a different story. It's one step back from mindfullness... But hey, if your going to tell yourself something it may as well be good right.

Too intense....We are similar! Hehehe... In a way I'm almost grateful they said it... Better than the countless people that avoid without explanation. It is not fair, for you, for me.. for all of us..... that we are treated as if we choose to be this way..... and our person is judged by our way of interacting......' My Ex did similar things. Soul destroying. The weight we place on other peoples words and actions causes our greatest harm.

In part being more resilient.....in part finding tools...... I say tools because it's important that alot of these outward misunderstandings be kept to a minimum. Not a single millimeter about who we are or changing it. ( well perhaps on the perception side )........ But about how we interact....... and getting the best part of us out there...... or not investing when there is no benefit.

There is hope for us Koni.... and one wonders who is the most relentless between us.


So.... we will go on.....

We will seek out that which brings us joy, work on our perceptions and tolls to accommodate. It can be draining, but each time it gets easier to see "failure" as another attempt at success...... or more accurately....... something generated by us for us and no matter the outcome it is a win.

5 things i'm grateful for? TOday I only need one. You reading and sharing. Thanks again brother.
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  #97  
Old 11-23-13, 09:22 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Quote:
Originally Posted by someothertime View Post
Email to Schools
So, I wrote an email to the office of the state education minister. Seeings as outside of my house, It was teachers who played the largest role in my development... Had opportunities ( gazillions ) to catch on to something being not up to speed and take action... Yet often the reverse was offered... criticism and insult...

So, I asked the education minister to send a blanket email to every single teacher in my state...

Quote:
The purpose of this email is to make a sincere and meaningful request.

October is ADHD awareness month. I have recently been diagnosed after many years on the fringe.

Neither my parents nor teachers detected the signs despite a lifetime of consistent non-application.

I do not blame anyone, ADD/ADHD was ( and still is ) an emerging diagnosis. Yet I feel the best thing I can do is reach out to you, the education minister, in the hope that you are able to;

-Send or have sent a "Awareness Reminder" note to all TAFE and Primary School teachers.

Basically the message should be;

Do you know a student who;

-Has difficulty completing tasks ( especially written )
-Output does not match their capability
-Sporadic application

Please refer concerns to relevant guardian or counsellor.


Feel free to change or add to the points above. The main thing is that teachers are informed of the vital role they play in detecting such behavioural traits, and the potential negative impacts on individuals from a lack of awareness.

I am currently in the process of rebuilding my self esteem and my life. In the past I have been threatened on many occasions by teachers who pointed the finger at my "attitude"...

It's time to stop the ignorance. I prey you receive this with the importance it deserves. Feel free to google "ADHD Awareness Month" or call me 0xxxxxxxx or ADDults with ADHDNSW for more clarification.



Many, many, many thanks... Personally, but also from the kids lives you will change by undertaking such action.

I ended up getting a response from the Education Minister. They outlined what sort of help is available to already diagnosed students.

Unfortunately did not address my request re: detection Worth a try..... I feel that I haven't finished with this one


Quote:
| write in response to your email of 3 October 2013 regarding ADHD (attention-deficit
hyperactivity disorder).

Thank you for alerting me to it being ADHD Awareness Month in October and your
own experience with ADHD.

l appreciate your interest in promoting awareness of ADHD in schools. An extensive
range of conditions, including ADHD and other medical, developmental and
psychological disorders, impact on the learning and support needs of school children.
Students with these disorders have a wide range of educational needs and for this
reason, the Department of Education and Communities does not promote specific
conditions in its schools. Instead, the Department uses a range of strategies to
support schools and teachers to understand and respond to the individual learning
and support needs of their students whatever the cause, including students with
ADHD.

The NSW Government is strongly committed to supporting students who experience
difficulties in learning, including students with ADHD. A Wide range of services and
programs support around 90,000 students with disability and additional learning and
support needs in more than 2,200 NSW public schools across the state, supported
by a special education budget of $1.18 billion this year. This includes specialist
education personnel who work With students and their classroom teachers,
professional learning for school staff and materials for teachers.

Each public school in New South Wales has a learning and support team, which
plans the way that students with additional learning and support needs are helped.
Any student in the school can be referred to this team. The learning and support
team considers all available information relating to the learning needs ofthe student,
including any difficulties with attention.

information about a wide range of medical, development and psychological
conditions and their implications for studentsí education, including ADHD, is available
to schools through the Web-based resource, Physical as Anything. This resource
is a joint initiative ofthe Department of Education and Communities and The
Chi|drenís Hospital at Westmead providing current information about more than 50
conditions, prepared by a panel of medical and educational experts. The resource
can be accessed at the following link: http2//phvsicalasanvthinq.com
Thanks for the copy and paste! One wonders if they'd let a kid having an Asthma attack do SportsClass...... or maybe the teachers can call them UNFIT and blame their attitide [:devil:]





Girl B

Oddly bumped into girlB yesterday in a suburb totally unrelated to either of us. Strange coincidence.

Anyway, I gave her a lift home... She was in a hypermanic state... Turns out there is much more to her than I first anticipated. So, I stayed kept her company..... No way i'm gonna ditch her cause she has "conditions"... Poor thing has a controlling and critical mother. She's developed bipolar... with a touch of schizophrenia... poor thing kept talking about criticisms from her mother. Her mother spying and going through things.... Texting her every night in the middle of the night. Honestly after a while I couldn't figure out what was real or imagined but there is no doubt that the majority has some valid sources. Also picking up some overlap between fabrication and fact.....

Luckily she had alot of people checking up on her.... so I just stayed neutral and tried to bring her back to real stuff....

I'd already established we were just friends... She did try to "advance things".... It was an odd evening.... Bumping into her... then helping with dinner.... then being confronted with that.... It was kind of nice just to help her out...... Listen...... be a friend. Be neutral.


She does get real social at times...... She kept saying i'm the funnies person she knows which is odd.... cause I mostly listen with the occasional nutty phrase......

She did offer that I move in.... which under different circumstances would be a mighty tempting offer.... though best not to get too close given the layers going on here.
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  #98  
Old 11-23-13, 09:59 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Reading this thread is really moving, you've come a long way it seems with your goals in life and advancing yourself as a person. I too really enjoy writing and finding a suitable career/path has been difficult for me. These forums are amazing, honestly. It's so awesome to see that there are people out there that are going through the same things I am. I hope you get your "girl" situation figured out. Who knows, take a chance!
What medication are you using now ?
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Old 11-23-13, 10:36 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Hey Jon! I'm honoured you read some of my diary. My story is ordinary... When I started this I expected monumental change.

Those first few months did bring massive insight. My priorities have shifted a little though... While I will continue to try to develop a new way of doing things...

Right now... to accept myself 100%... and express that would be a dream come true.

Your right in saying this is an amazing place. I feel that many online communities exist through a layer of abstraction... The "digital world" construes some sort of imaginary persona in many cases...

I cannot call this place a site... it's a true example of what a community should be. People who talk openly, support each other, share good times, hard times... and as for the abstraction layer... it's the exact opposite...

There is nothing unique about my story... it echoes in the lives and experience of so many here.

I share it for many reasons... mostly to learn... and so others can learn from it.

The unexpected joy for me is that people like you read it. When I get comments... it validates who I am and what I stand for. And that my friend is the most important thing...

To know that you are valid. Which you are, which we all are.

Stick around and share some stuff it helps.
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Old 11-24-13, 04:18 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

your story is not ordinary at all!!!
i simply cannot believe you got fired, wiii you be ok..?
pls keep writing
yes this is truly an amazing place.
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Old 11-24-13, 04:47 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Me neither Stef... Pretty shattered... Considering the Boss was never at work... AND never delivered on a single promise he made to me.

Like I said... One or two people fed some negative "assumptions" back up to him. Had nothing to do with how I worked.


i.e. I rode my bike 10-20kms to and from work each day so got there 30 mins early and left 30mins later than everyone. Yet somehow this girl supervisor thought it would be nice to tell the boss i've been late a few times...

Then, when my employment lady told him I had ADHD... He really backed off.... He got frightened.

When he fired me ( by email ) he mentioned several events that were simply not true and just posturing to avoid his actual thought process.

I'm so glad I called him on it....

I'm tempted to post his message but I won't cause it just re-inforces the **** we've all had to put up with.

Surprisingly.... Now.... I am ok..... In the past I would have been livid...... and dwelled on it for days weeks and months holding this deep grudge... and immense injustice....

But now...... I'm saddened that the effort and ethic I put in was not recognised ( at least by upper mgmt.... I know the people who worked at my side saw my passion and committment every day for 12 weeks )...

I will post my response to him though I tried to resist..... But I just had to stand up for my good work I was and am proud of it


*-----------------------------------------------------------_*

Frankenstein,


I accept your decision. I'm sure you have the best intentions for your company.

For a man who has failed to honour a single commitment to myself;

-Promises of informs, meetings, calls, valuing good work, books, 5 days....and so on. What I do not accept is you pinning this on my ethic. It is obvious you and others have made assumptions based on here say , not evidence nor ethic.

It's your business and you may do as you wish. I thank you for the opportunity you gave me and wish you further success. In future I suggest that you try to live up to the things you commit to.




Cheers,


someuniquelygiftedworkerwhoyoujustlost


*--------------------------------------------------------------------*
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  #102  
Old 11-28-13, 08:08 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Outside Action Kicks in Again

Attended a parents support group tonight...

Had nerves (6/10) but managed fairly quickly to just decide to pay attention to what was in front of me. The not having a job certainly add's to ones second guessing themselves/confidence.

Anyway... these people were all LOVELY... of course they would be! They are all living in and around ADHD! My nervouseness before hand is largely based on the fact that I feel very immature... or that i'm going to be judged.

I'm glad I got over these loops and controlled my "needs"... I listened alot.... But also spoke at some good times to add some good input to how we can all do better.

Whether they asked me about me is irrelevant. Whether I tell them about me is irrelevant. Actually in context... I probably needed this lesson. Anyways... my psychologist and I have already established that most people perceive me as aggressive... So rather than getting flustered and dwelling.... rather than trying to be something i'm not....... I just gotta stay on task and let time and balanced expression speak the true me..... and I kind of noticed a change in them when I began to express my thoughts... They were all kind of nice from the start but it was obvious that some definitely valued me more once I opened my mouth.

So they were all nice... and once again it's highlighted that there are people that I connect with... Hope to keep up similar activities.

These guys only meet 4 times a year though...
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  #103  
Old 11-28-13, 08:54 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

My Kids

The mother of my kids just came around. She's been coming around and calling me the last three weeks. Things have gotten out of hand for her. I have basically told her to go away. The last 20 contacts with her had ended with her belittling me... refusing access... mocking my attempts at parenting... photographing my room from through the window and threatening calling child services. etc. etc. etc.

So she comes around in tears... I've seen it before... Life catches up with her... All those times... she mocked my in front of the kids so they'd "like" her.... the times she belittled my opinions on responsibility, co-operation etc. etc. etc. They've caught up and she's reaching out. This time... I'm ready... somewhat...

I go outside.... I say to myself.... ( Just listen!... Don't react.... Don;t get sucked in either.... Your concern is for your kids wellbeing and clarifying / just listening to what's going on with them... good or bad.... )

So she says;


"It's getting too much for me. Last week I almost called the police on our doughter because she got violent. Our son is in and out...... attitude....... They are not helping with the house....... She is at work all the time......

They are losing respect for her.... Go ahead, rub it in if I want to....(sobs)"




Now this is the part where I know she's gonna start repeating **** and getting either desperate or screaming at me.... So, even though I told myself not to react.... i said...


"What do you want from me? I appreiciate you coming and telling me how our kids are doing but i've had almost no contact in 4 months. ( You pretty much indirectly made them hate me and feel my opinions can be ignored and they can do and say what they want )...."

"I've got things to do now..... as they do not respect me anymore ( and it's next to impossible to work with you cause you'll turn around in a week or two when your mood reverses and smash my wellbeing again ) I feel there is little I can do to help you." I've seen it before... Sure I wanna jump in, call a meeting with them... Get them here for the weekend... Reconnect with them..... But through her...... it's futile..... So... I'm not jumping and dancing... I'm not laughing in her face saying I told you so...... I saw this coming 3 years ago...... It's heartbreaking for all concerned.


&Y%^ and @$&%@ may you see sincerity and honour the love you were showered with as small children. Be safe, and I long for the day you are past these clouds my babies. Your Dad misses you.
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  #104  
Old 11-29-13, 04:41 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

someother,
Thank you for your last thread about meeting up with your ex. Amazing how we find here all this personal stuff that is about us that someone else writes. That aside I have a "degree" in overreaching relationship dynamics. It has been my experience for as long as I can remember, so I admit maybe I don't have much brilliance or experience going forward differently. But I do know what you are dealing with.

It starts with the false premise that someone is responsible for someone else's frustration and misery. With my wife, something I should have done and didn't, and the subsequent conversations are nothing of the sort, simply emotional dumping, the put me down so she can build herself up. If I do anything it's no good, if I try harder it's never enough. Then I start to countdown in my head from ten to one and usually by the time I get to eight, the accusations begin, you don't understand a thing, you have no idea, you always or you never and the diminishment continues, and it invariably ends with judgments about being a worthless person, errant father, and sometimes even even in bed, you were never really any good.

It has taken a lot of work to "not react". Currently I am separated from my wife, but I cannot deal with all the negativity, my ADD aside, and lately I have transferred emails to my lawyer, I don't have the resources to handle that much toxicity.

The problem with kids in separations, at least here, they are always assigned to the mother, and even if the custody is split, mostly with the mother and the guy may get a couple weekends, by then it is too late. I don't have statistics but I would bet a lot of money I don't have that most guys with big ADD problems get into relationships with women who want to hold the reigns, who have lots of issues themselves. That aside rarely is it really the case that someone is just fine, it's just that he has all these dysfunctional and worthless qualities. For the children too late, in the sense the other person (my wife), in this building me down to build herself up, has to keep feeding the false paradigm, and children are the ideal fodder.

They strive to make sense of a senseless situations, and where there is lots of stress, blame, domestic violence, they do what they can to survive, distract themselves and also acquiesce to the victim politics. In my case, when I stopped being the slave, my wife did everything possible to convince my daughter that I really am a s...thead. Sometimes these take the form of direct messsages, sometimes blunt but indirectly sent, like talking loudly on the phone about me while my daughter can hear, but normally they take place invidiously, like a thousand little cuts, innuendos, pauses in the conversation, non-sequiturs when the subject of dad comes up, and the child ends up thinking something like this, mom is really angry, she is really frustrated, and dad had something to do with it, it is feeding the virus of doubt towards the relationship of the parent with little or no access to his/her child/children.

I did not have the internal capacity to understand or deal with this kind of person, though sure, it came from the house I used to live in. In the sense, the fixation of attention against someone else in that negative a way (and surely it is one of the areas where my non-attention, distraction plays out, otherwise I would not have "survived" the relationship), in the sense my wife chose me, and even if I'm a cheat, or a thief, or a drunk or assh.. there was something she liked in me, and to later convey to my daughter that she really loves her, but hates her father, it kind of fks up the children's mind, bc ultimately 1/2 the genetics come from the man. LOL here, I was doing my best, but I was not equipped to deal with this posture.

As to children? when or if the meetups do take place, as the children get older, they don't want them, they don't trust the connection, maybe any initimate connection, too afraid to see me in my better self, outgoing, accepting, funny, curious, sensual, honest, spontaneous, sharp, witty, energetic, compassionate, creative, spiritual, supportive courageous, fair. I am almost only the sum of things I will never be.

So it has come to this, when she, or anyone is demeaning, disrespectful, blaming and lashing out, I've learned to say, that really hurts, sorry, but I can't stay here, I cannot be with you even for this conversation. In reality though, I still yield, ...
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Old 11-29-13, 04:56 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Thank you very much 1000... Indeed word for word this is how it's played out. Your more in top of the actual process... I mean... you show insight... I know these thing but often can't clearly stay mindful of these insights all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1000koni View Post
the fixation of attention against someone else in that negative a way
That sentence sir, was the dominant theme of my thoughts from 14 -> 34... with rarely "holidays" in hyperfocus mode or "chamelion to another persona"...

It's nice to know this time i'm not merely "avoiding" and that little/no comms (with her) is for the best. At least short/medium while I build clarity or during times of elevated stress or expression from her/me... In future i'm just gonna say to her "can you reconsider my suggestion of counselling, particularly for my daughter."... That seems to be the only thing that may be of benefit for a few years that I can say. Normally 9/10 that's interpreted by her as me saying "I don't want to help" or "She is the one with the problem", hence my ultimate dropping of all comms totally. Like banging a head against a brick wall. And why i've been so sucked in by these "You were right" moments of hers in the past... Tragedy is though and what I need to keep reminding myself of is that she did not choose BPD no more than I chose ADHD.... Most of this stuff is not choice by her..... just reality

I played equal part in commencing the relationship and creating those wonderful little people. And while for the first 8 years of thier lives I felt that I was undoing a cycle of oppressions and false ideals in our families. The ultimate truth is what most people new from the beginning. One cannot hide from something that's hidden. Via genes and osmosis these foibles transfer, it's the way of life. It's not all bad... I'm not oblivious to the wonderful things we have both imparted on them....

Kind of makes me re-assess my take with them. I'm recycling agin, but I think a few pages back I got some good advice ( maybe from Sarah? ) about just having fun with them in order to build "connection" and letting go of the whole "history" and "father" type needs...

So that seems like a plan.... First signs they are willing to reach out to me.... we are just gonna go do something short and fun. Try forget they are my kids mostly... If I have to spoil them a little..... as much as it's against my principles it seems like it's a necessary evil.


Note to self: "That father picture you have in your head is NOT GONNA HAPPEN - THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL REGAIN ANY PART OF YOUR CHILDRENS LIVES IS VIA COMMON INTERESTS AND LIGHT NEUTRAL FUN"
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