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  #121  
Old 02-17-14, 05:59 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Someothertime, you are an inspiration. What you have gone through and how you keep going. It's amazing. Thank you so much for writing about your journey.

Maybe a little about me : I am a 40 year old guy, still unsure of where my life is going and seem to have been at a cross roads for most of my life. About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD but never really did anything about it. I was working and didn't think I really had a problem. Anyhow, at the beginning of 2012 I had a bit of a breakdown. I was in the first year of university and long story short ended up on citalopram and in counselling. I took some time off uni and floated around a bit then in Sept last year I decided to move to the south of France. Packed my motorcycle and headed off. On my second day in France, a car hit me on a roundabout. 6 broken ribs, a messed up shoulder and a 5 day stay in hospital and I was then faced with trying to set up a new life in a new country. I rented a place for a few months while I recovered but over Xmas and after a doctor told me I'd prob need surgery on my shoulder I decided to return to the UK. This decision wasn't the easiest to make and I spent many a day/evening pondering the implications.

While trying to decide where I was going wrong in my life I started looking into add/ADHD and came across a description of symptoms on a medical site. Well to be honest, it could have been written about me! So I decided it was time to do something.

Anyhow, a couple of days ago I visited my doctor here in UK, we have started to reduce my dosage of the citalopram and I am also now taking Ritalin 10mg/3 daily.

I started the Ritalin on Feb 14th and I am hoping for the best. I believe that it will take 2-4weeks for me to see a difference (correct me If I'm wrong) and if, as I believe, this is what I need and will work, in 2-4 weeks I will be making a decision to either return to uni to finish my degree or to just get back into work (and a career I am tired of).

Day 3 today and honestly, the one thing that I have noticed is the reduced appetite. (Not that I'm complaining, I need to lose some weight)

Day 4 and to be honest, the strangest feeling is the lack of appetite and the lack of. Cravings. I have even stopped craving coffee (at least 10 cups a day usually) and have been drinking tea.

Right, I'll stop rambling now. Fingers crossed for me please, I am hoping that this will finally be the answer for me.

I hope to start a thread soon to talk about the issues I faced, although I'm a little overawed by your story, I haven't had as hard a time as you and feel that maybe I'm being too emotional over it. Anyhow, we'll see.

But I would like to say again, thank you for sharing and I wish you nothing but the best!
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  #122  
Old 02-23-14, 08:26 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Yesterday... I took my son canyoning It was a spectacular day. For many reasons. One of which, is the raw beauty of nature... which i'd like to share with you guys










^ lookin a lil deflated
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  #123  
Old 02-24-14, 02:56 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

I can relate to this. I took a walk in the forest for four hours yesterday. It was tiresome but I'm proud I did it.
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  #124  
Old 03-08-14, 08:50 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rm-timetochange View Post
Anyhow, a couple of days ago I visited my doctor here in UK



brother, first, apologies for the late reply... need to check my subsript to this thread again and ... hang on... doing it now .... done!

ok... south of france! motorbike! hehehe... seriously though... were all inspirations to each other...

you know... in the last month i've considered stopping this ( diary ) ... i know i can't... i owe it to myself... i started this wanting to help others... the truth is though... now it is the biggest help to me... i think wanting to stop is a good indicator something needs modification

your reply my friend is the biggest boost i've had in a while... actually, i'm not ashamed to say that i shed tears of anguish+joy reading it... ( mostly joy though! )

i'm super happy for for you! ( a lil jealous too, HAHAHA!!! ) na, admourous ...

keep steady, swagger with intent, and know your value my journeyman!
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  #125  
Old 03-22-14, 11:54 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

seeing is believing

recall... visual cortex... whatever...

experience... the thing is... i can work for someone else ( say if i was supporting a friend ) ... the logic is bypassed... the "finding the connection" is not necessary cause i'm helping someone...

i've come a long long way in one year... yeah... when I SAW what was possible... I short circuited myself... got a taste and I was there... then the desire goes POOF... well, not exactly... more like a shift from jumping off in uncertainty but with hope and openness to clawing and grasping...

all covered in the sauce if "what i see"...

despite the wording... this is actually a pretty positive post...



1. Visual
2. Impatient...
3. Tapes are playing...


My therapist asked me last session "do i wan't to overcome my hibitions"... part of me was hurt by this... almost to retaliate... of course i do... is she calling me lazy... not committed... thing is... i know the question on it's own is non threatening... she was seeking alignment... it was a tape...

It seems the deep emotional "way" combined with past/tapes etc... has come to the fore... many current life situations cause the tapes to play... and even in the absence of tapes... this deep emotional "way"... it governs many ups and downs... it seems to be both the grace and the garbage... i know it's me... it's the way I am... I wonder... if in another year the tapes play softer... it becomes more balanced perhaps... or i direct it into productive means... somewhere in between perhaps...

- i want them to see how i'm being wronged... etc.
- it comes across as a crazy childlike adult... ( despite whatever the issue i'm discussing is )

officially.... i'm back at square one... self care... eating, sleeping and exercising properly etc... the depth of the emotional "steering" has been clarified a little... i mean... she paraphases my emotions back to me... logically the situations make sense... emotionally though... I can't fully "connect"...

Once I leave the session with the therapist... moreso with my feelings toward others... I struggle to reestablish what it was that we resolved...

For instance... there was something about telling my dad to give me space... it kind of makes sense... but i don't know exactly why... he barely bothers me... none the less talking to him did bring about some sort of clarification even if it was somewhat virtual.... i.e. my perceptions being spoken... moved forward...

so anyway... self care... more persuit with passion... balanced with steady simpleness... compassion.... a teency bit at a time.... this time though... i'll try not to stare

see how we go
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  #126  
Old 04-15-14, 10:41 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

My dad is back in hospital... he is having his big toe amputated tommorrow... gangrene... hopefully will get to keep his foot.

Appears I am about to take on some rather demanding carer duties...

Honestly, I think i'm in shock... or denial... not really sure what I feel...


Some guilt, some pity... some fear about the demands to come... about having to be a provider... some challenge... some gratitute I can repay his caring for me... some curiosity... about his life..... about causation of his self diminishing behaviors...

We'll see...
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  #127  
Old 04-17-14, 08:25 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

A catalyst

Once upon a time I had the ugliest garden on the street. Kikuyu grass covered 5 shrubs between 1 and 2 meters high...

It's a split level sloping plot so you dont exactly walk through it... and I lacked the knowledge, interest... and pace to attend to it...

I've been pretty critical of myself lately... so it's about time I gave myself a pat on the back and recognize what I've achieved here...

It seems knowledge and experience was a catalyst... an enabler... with some traditional knowledge in an area that allows me to take my time and apply some creativity... I can achieve great things...

With little money ( though i did spend most of this fortnights allowance on soil and rocks ) and alot of engineering on the fly ( lol, I chooped down a large tree for infill and substructure )... My garden now runs circles around that of many who turned their noses... Old people stop and talk while walking... Birds come and sing for a bit...

It's been fun Still evolving Wait for some of the eucalypts to establish and get up before introducing some vines, annuals... throw in some random native grass seed and see what comes up!

And i;ve got two more levels to work with, though prob keep the top for veggies...

Lucky to have all my fingers still though

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  #128  
Old 04-19-14, 01:45 PM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Right there with ya brotha! I'm following your thread. Thanks!

btw, new to the forum.

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  #129  
Old 05-06-14, 08:22 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

I love Korean barbecue! lol!

Well... my dads toe came off in private hospital and he is doing ok... i always thought that losing a big toe meant that you can't walk so good but he's going pretty well...

As I write this i'm waiting for the police to come to the house... my ex was refusing to return some basic ( sheets! ) posessions of my sons... so I visited the station and a nice officer said they can help... attend... while I ask... but were busy.... I went back a few times but they were always busy...

Tonight... I say to my son... we are waiting... if they say 2 or 4 hours... we are finishing this... lucky me... the guy behind the counter is the worst ever... does not want to help... ( quakers ) i tell him she is refusing to hand over posessions... i am prepared to wait... i know your busy...

After sitting down for 5 mins he calls me... get some particulars speaks to his sergeant, comes out gets her number... she gets oppositional, says no... he comes out and says they are not going to help me?

WTF? I speak to him and his sergeant and both maintain they cannot help despite me saying i'd wait and 4 other officers said they are able to...

My emotional regulation went AWOL again ( due to the contradiction and pure ******** they were telling me ) and I told them they were both passing the buck and lazy... The sergeant ordered me out of the station...

Surprise surprise... Ex tries calling son... calls father.... 2 hours later she breaks her way into my house and yells at my son...

Ring ring... hello, police? Yes... I'd like to report a home invasion... you know that thing you didn't want to help with? Well she just busted into my house ( again ) and yelled at my son...

We have a car on the way...

Anyway... glad to finally put her shiz on paper... some sort of evidence for down the track for the next time she goes over the line...

Either way... I was really saddened how I handled the guys at the police station... reverting back to my "hightened" emotional state with authority and injustice... Much more work to to with realigning with fact... diffusion et. al.


Anyways... I like Korean BBQ!!! O', my love life ended up "fullfilling" some unattended to itches... strange thing is... it did not provide much "freedom"/"momentum" if that makes sense... I was kind of expecting to lose 80% of my stresses for a few weeks mimimum... ( not that that was the primary motivator )...
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  #130  
Old 05-06-14, 09:06 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

wow, s!

you're a hell of a father and it sounds like your kid really needs an awesome parent in his life....why am i unsurprised that you are? ; )

you know, i hear you about failing on the emotional regulation thing... but, you know, that passion isn't entirely bad...it's the same thing that makes you able to love your kid so much and care for your father and be a good friend and good person. and i know that managing that intensity can be a challenge and it sucks to not have sorted something that you are working to improve.

but, you know, i think watching my father have to learn how to get it together and be a champion and a half when my mum got too sick to do anything...the fact that he didn't always handle it well and i remember finding him just breaking **** one day and it was all of this stuff that...was significant in a way. and when i was noticed and he had that look like he was going to smooth it over and be all controlled and it didn't work and he lost it and it kinda made me able to deal with the fact that she was really sick it's nobody's fault but i don't have a mother and it was really, made it ok to be upset and to acknowledge it.

and my point in telling you that is to say, sometimes being imperfect and working actively to do better, but seeing that...life is a work in progress...can be an invaluable lesson, too.


thinking of you x
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  #131  
Old 10-22-14, 08:40 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Perception of Self vs Expression of Self

OK... After a pretty rocky many months..... i'm hitting calmer waters.

My therapy is starting to make inroads after circling around daily practicalities which were, while indeed important could they be stabilised, very much secondary if not *thirdary* ( ) to the instability.

Striving........ wanting to achieve, facilitate change..... outgrew the action itself. Daily tasks seemed to take on a disproportionate urgency. I wanted to proove, i needed to demonstrate..... the meds can feed this thinking.... though underlying that it seems that there are the layers of physical capacity...... mental capacity...... and under that...... my sense of self.

It is truly amazing how we/i percieve "being"....... how activities and interactions seem to be moment by moment linked with who we are....... we know our guts..... what we stand for..... it seems that in my case..... somehow unless the present moment or pathway is a reflection of this...... something is wrong.

My therapist commented that she was concerned with my identity..... i've taken on a quirky method of speech. I've grown a somewhat lenghty handlebar moustache.... ( had it before in a really good time in my life )....... Sure..... I do really struggle on a day to day basis ( subliminally ) with who I am..... These recent changes I believe have some positive drivers..... Developing uninhibited identity........ facilitation of better / lighter interactions with others.....

This being misjudged if not downright mistreated us a huge theme in my life.... After adult diagnosis..... I saw how most of these interactions led to me punishing myself..... and hiding or forgetting many amazing and virtuous character traits within me.... I initially looked beyond them...... and found ways to attempt to see the world in a more diconnected way..... that helped a great deal...... It chiseled a small hole to be able to point out some of the really good experiences and interactions and efforts some kind and open people have extended........

Now it has also made clear to me these experiences are indeed something i/we are very prone to.

-Being misunderstood
-MIsjudeged then treated unfairly
-Dismissed
-Manipulated
-etc etc

Sure , these things are part of life....... though to people who sometimes have unique communications styles..... less presence of their identity...... they can be expremely destabilising if not damaging......

I have recently been in many a teacher office, trying to wade through the tangential modes, and murky interactions, striving to clarify and facilitate unbiased treatment and open interactions which are in reality very minimal..... though within the context of opinions, styles, constraints and so forth..... are so readily lumped in with some sort of rigid and unproductive, if not ignorant responses and solutions.......


Things are on the improve ...... though this interaction disconnect....... this moment by moment knowledge of self........ disconnect from self....... development of self........ will no doubt be a challenge for a long time to come..... Also, I am more and more realising that I have to see contexts in my life as something I can build and adapt, rather than merely accepting the common modes and methods of the masses and bending over backwards, many times exposing myself to misunderstandings and conflict....... it's not avoidance........ it's preference.


My brothers and sisters....... for every single time in your life......... someone interacted with you harshly, failed to truly "hear" you.......... were misunderstood and there fore denied common courtesies, proceedure or decency...... know that it was not your fault..... your were not what they thought..... you were not weak deficient or inferior......

you were you..... and you were trying to express exactly that......
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Old 06-25-15, 08:45 AM
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Re: Turning my life around - A diary of a 35 year old new diagnosed ADDer

Way Markers
the things that dictate most others

Doing from flow vs having to do

So much is said about ADDers "losing interest" or having a "hyperfocus / manic" engagement or pastime. Naysayers and un/ill-informed are fast to dismiss ADHD as some sort of "excuse" and pidgeon hole the whole "hyper"-ness in their minds.

There are times when my action cortex is synchronous... certain persuits, demands and activities seem to "suck" me toward them, party or whole-ly facilitating access and application from the various realms of my psyche.

It seems that some things provide a heartbeat to life... and action. Others stir passion, and that in turn fuels combustion with the most positive and pleasuresome rev of the accelerator.... stressors morph into points of steerance, humor or solidify self.



Then a dawns the bright hazy domineering sun of different days, things that need to be done are parasitic demands that sap the motivation and autonomy from life. Engaging with them brings further scatter to the fog of other "chores", cycling avoided tasks and rumination on life and fog past.


There is something indeed broad... behind all this... this transformation on the new day from suck, to pull.... to push... from want to, to need to.... to have to.........


I picture some athlete, tied with elastomer to a tyre.... they gain dynamism.... we don't. This phenomenon, for me is what characterises ADHD... not hyperness... not emotional regulation....... but the struggle of will.
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Old 08-11-15, 05:18 AM
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absolutely brilliant

Quote:
Originally Posted by someothertime View Post
Way Markers
the things that dictate most others

Doing from flow vs having to do

So much is said about ADDers "losing interest" or having a "hyperfocus / manic" engagement or pastime. Naysayers and un/ill-informed are fast to dismiss ADHD as some sort of "excuse" and pidgeon hole the whole "hyper"-ness in their minds.

There are times when my action cortex is synchronous... certain persuits, demands and activities seem to "suck" me toward them, party or whole-ly facilitating access and application from the various realms of my psyche.

It seems that some things provide a heartbeat to life... and action. Others stir passion, and that in turn fuels combustion with the most positive and pleasuresome rev of the accelerator.... stressors morph into points of steerance, humor or solidify self.

Then a dawns the bright hazy domineering sun of different days, things that need to be done are parasitic demands that sap the motivation and autonomy from life. Engaging with them brings further scatter to the fog of other "chores", cycling avoided tasks and rumination on life and fog past.

There is something indeed broad... behind all this... this transformation on the new day from suck, to pull.... to push... from want to, to need to.... to have to.........
Yes, this is quite brilliant. The want to is where I aim to be, what I want my motivation to be grounded in. Where the intentions flow into action. All along the way in life there are things we have to do. Maybe we all live in some kind of cages, or stated differently. We are really all footsolders to a larger instruction set, maybe from the heavens, but this works through other people, connections to something bigger than ourselves.

But the have-tos frequently get the best of me, and then I am trying to manage, create a life based on things I never quite seem to be able to finish. Recently I was in Kharkiv, and I kept meeting up with amazing people, and they have no idea of this in themselves. I keep thinking there is something to do with their stories., when I woke up this morning, the summer sun flickering through the leaves, and some crazy image my family speaks Russian, because there are no tenses in dream time everything is inherently logical. Likely though, I won't start with doing something, because I am not sure what this is, or I will just start and then the river stops flowing, fear I will never finish. Like wiating for the train to derail.

I think these two matrices, flow /have-to exist, but they are also one., invariably together and longing to be separate. Contemporaneity imposes certain directions to them, wants to tame them for its own advantages. Not the only paradox we have to make sense of.

Last edited by 1000koni; 08-11-15 at 05:21 AM.. Reason: fear I will forget and writing too fast
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