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Old 03-15-14, 12:41 AM
krishamurti22 krishamurti22 is offline
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Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

Hey guys.

So, I'm still researching ADD and trying to work if I myself have it. I wrote this entry into my diary tonight about I how I tend to feel and behave in social situations. It's quite long, but I would really appreciate it if you read it and let me know if this sounds like ADD to you.

Here is the piece:

"Was round at my friends place tonight. There were a few people round, and even though they were all really nice, I was extremely bored and uncomfortable. It's like nobody ever talks with any substance at these kind of gatherings, due to either a fear of exposing themselves too much and being left feeling vulnerable, or from a fear of offending someone. So this just leaves mind numbing small talk. I feel like my brain is sharper than most other people's and they all seem to be stimulated so much easier than me. I could talk for 4 hours straight about an actual topic, but I get so bored after just seconds of "chit chat". And it's almost impossible for me to hide this boredom, which makes the whole situation even more uncomfortable. I knew within minutes of being there that I could potentially have to endure this chit chat and pretend to be interested for the next few hours. That thought in itself was a long and treacherous mind mountain to face.

I have to actually force an expression on my face when people are talking to me. It just doesn't come naturally. This is so tiring, as I have to become conscious of when to nod and when to smile etc. I've also noticed that people can get uncomfortable when they're talking to me... I think it's partly to do with the lack of my expression/forced expression and the lack of enthusiasm in my voice. I also think it's because they sense my analytical nature and possibly feel like I'm judging them. That leads me to another point. I am very aware of my surroundings and of what everybody is saying, so I can't help but analyse the people and the things they say - I never feel above anyone, or judge them, I just can't help but analyse them.

There is also an underlying anxiety which is there all the time. Though, it used to be a lot worse and I have got a lot better at controlling it now. I think the anxiety stems from the fact that I get so mind numbingly bored and want nothing more than to leave, but at the same time I don't want to offend anyone, and on some level, I'm actually trying and wanting to connect with the other people. So I think it's these very powerful internal forces opposing each other that creates the anxiety; think of the force between two opposing magnets.

Interestingly though, I seem to get on fairly well with most people I meet, and despite my perceived awkwardness they seem to like me. I get invited out to do all sorts of activities with different people, but I make excuses and avoid these situations as much as possible. I do like people, I just tend to find the majority of them very un-stimulating, to the point that I can only bare to be around them for short periods of time.

On a slightly humorous side point, I noticed that everyone else besides myself were partaking in the drinking of wine, eating junk food, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Again, I'm not judging anyone as I have used all those vices myself at some point, but I couldn't help but wonder if they too needed all those extra stimulants just to be able to sit comfortably and socialise for a few hours."
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Old 03-15-14, 05:08 AM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

I can relate. I need lots of alcohol n to be able to cope with the boredom n of socialisin and I still get bored.


Maybe yout can suggest some activities that you enjoy to your friends rather than sitting at home?
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Old 03-16-14, 02:10 PM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

At least you're lucky you 'get along well with people". I get as much bored as you do sitting down in any social setting but unlike you i dont have the social skills to contribute anything to the group. When i start feeling bored I simply dont know what to say to those people. I get so disinterested i simply switch off and then when i realize im the only one who hasnt said a word all night and once people begin to comment on how quiet i am, i start to panic and anything i say comes across even more dull than the conversations that have been boring me.

I have always been artistic and think creatively and my mind seems to operate on a different level than most people in the way i notice what others dont and always thinking outside of the box but when it comes to verbal expression and communicating with people i completely lack the skills and sound like a boring retard. I still havent figured out why.
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Old 03-16-14, 04:01 PM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by krishamurti22 View Post
Hey guys.
On a slightly humorous side point, I noticed that everyone else besides myself were partaking in the drinking of wine, eating junk food, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Again, I'm not judging anyone as I have used all those vices myself at some point, but I couldn't help but wonder if they too needed all those extra stimulants just to be able to sit comfortably and socialise for a few hours."
As someone else but it, those things sound like social lubricants!
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Old 03-16-14, 04:47 PM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic theory puts forward the idea that we have 6 basic ways we structure our time with other people..... and these 6 levels involve different levels of stimulation and intimacy....

they are

1) Withdrawal (self -explanatory)
2) Ritual (very basic interactions... talking about weather etc)
3) Past-timing (Talking about stuff one does/likes etc... eg talking about popular TV shows)
4) Activities (doing stuff....)
5) Game Playing (usually subconscious...often destructive)
6) Full Connection (rare)

My view is that us ADDers find (2) and (3) REALLY hard.... so we go to wither (1) or straight to (4) or (5)....

This unnerves NT's who don't like the increased stimulation and intimacy of (4) or (5) and also find (1) weird.

When we meet a fellow ADDer we can go straight to the high octane stuff...

I've found groups a real problem..... and I now tend to avoid them if I think they're going to involve lots of ritual or past-timing.
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Old 03-16-14, 09:00 PM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

Thanks for reading and replying everyone.

I guess you're right, AntiSocial. I am lucky that I get on with people, but the connections are very shallow and unrewarding for me. I usually just want to get away from the person as quickly as I can. I do know how to go through the motions and keep a conversation going, but it's always at least slightly awkward and it drains me emotionally and mentally. It completely exhausts me actually, and I feel uncomfortable and slightly anxious through the whole interaction. I tend to ask too many questions, sometimes inappropriately. I also often try to take the conversation too deep too quickly. For example, I'll start talking about the nature of consciousness to someone I've just met, even though I know it's not the time or place, and most people aren't interested in having those kinds of conversations. They think I'm weird, I feel uncomfortable, but I still can't stop myself.

Interestingly, Kilted Scotsman, I can sometimes enjoy social situations if there is an activity. When I play football for instance, I really get into it and don't feel awkward at all. I actually become quite assertive and confident. But as soon as we stop playing I'm back to the usual me. They all go out for drinks or a meal afterwards, but I always refuse the offer and go home instead. They always comment that I'm anti social and wonder why I never go out with them. I just can't think of anything more boring/exhausting than sitting in a pub doing nothing for a few hours.
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Old 03-17-14, 06:54 AM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

I have found that looking at Ritual and past-timing as an activity helps me..... I have done this by learning about subconscious processes and body language and then observing groups to see what is going on below the surface....

I use the mantra... "there is always more going on than you think"..... trying to work out what is really going on between people is a very interesting activity!
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Old 03-17-14, 09:01 AM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

Yeah... kilteds bang on...

Boredom and lack of engagement / lack of fullfillment are a very complex emotion / activity for us to be aware of / track / alter... etc. etc.

I realise now that alot of previous boredom was indeed a lack of fullfillment ( determination -> alot of it was boredom ... tho' i realise now that word is a bit like anger... you gotta trace it back to a source ... )... i was going to say an inability to make a choice... but that's not true... perhaps an inability in persuing a personal agenda... or simply letting go and not persuing a personal agenda is clearer to the function...
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Old 03-17-14, 11:27 PM
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Re: Bored in social situations. Can you relate?

I get bored by most smalltalk unless I'm on the same wavelength. Then I'm mostly fine. I also get bored by most movies, so it's hard to think of stuff for me to do with other people.
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