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  #16  
Old 09-20-07, 07:22 PM
Crazygirl79 Crazygirl79 is offline
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Hi Mrs A.

It sounds like you two really need to talk about this!!! I know this is going to sound a little personal and maybe a bit weird but have you thought of using porn as a way to get mores sexually involved with your husband? sometimes it can actually spice up a marriage! maybe you need to ask him why he's doing this all the time and don't accept flimsy excuses but demand proper honest answers!

You're right when you say it could be a hyperfocus thing which is very possible but I personally don't see anything wrong with a man viewing porn so long as it doesn't interfere with their relationship/marriage or sex life with their girlfriend/wife.

In my opinion it's a harmless activity, it's not like he's having an affair with a real life person and who knows in time he'll get bored with it and focus on something else.

It really sounds like the guy's bored with some aspect of his life and I'm not neccsarily saying he's bored with you or the marriage but as I said you two obviously need to talk.

I hope you guys can work something out.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A
Thanks for that pedalpounder. It seems the more he "gets" the more he is into this stuff, I mean, I thought of that and well, it hasn't changed a thing, it seems like a hyperfocus thing. You can't do it 24/7! But is that what it is about, the need or desire for sex all the time?

Last edited by Crazygirl79; 09-20-07 at 07:40 PM..
  #17  
Old 09-20-07, 07:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A
Sorry, but this kind of went in the wrong direction. I am looking for some honest males opinions on this without judgement. I understand how a female thinks....but what about the male view on this. I need something other than my husbands reasoning etc. The lying is wrong, but what is the deal with looking at nude females in not so lady like poses? I mean, the magazines have been around for a long time, now it is just easier and I guess, more convenient than buying a mag. Maybe this is too personal of a question.
Men are very visually/spatially oriented; we enjoy looking at the curves of the female form. Long legs, curvy hips, ample bosoms are all signs of a female's fertility and with men being not too distant from animals, we enjoy noticing these features on a female.

Men are designed to procreate. From the day puberty hits to the day we die, we men have the ability to make babies. Men are also hunters by design--we like to hunt down and chase things--viewing porn can satisfy these urges (seeking out and hunting down a mate).

It should be pointed out that when men view those women in magazines (or gets distracted by an attractive female walking down the street) we're not thinking about running off, marrying them and starting a family. For men, the desire the procreate and the desire for love and romance are two seperate things. Men don't fall in love with the women in the magazines.

Now onto your dear husband. By the fact that he views porn so often and even at work it sounds like there is another issue at hand. He may have a very high libido, but it sounds more like he has an addiction and is self medicating. It could also be he's just getting mental stimulation (to feed his ADHD) from the secrecy, the taboo and the possibility that he might get caught viewing porn.

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Old 09-20-07, 08:29 PM
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Crazygirl you idea is not weird, a fair number of couples enjoy porn together (I've had an interesting life but don't ask how i know this!).

Driver is also potentially right in that for the ADHD male obtaining stimulation from using porn will potentially be a self-medication behaviour pattern.

The seeking of stimulation may show that life is not stimulating and has become boring and uninteresting, mundane and unchallenging.

However despite the apparent sexual nature of the stimulation being sought that stimulation does not have to be replaced with an alternative sexual stimulation per se. Throwing him out of the back of a plane at 10,000 feet WITH a parachute would probably take his mind off ww.bustybrenda.com!


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  #19  
Old 09-20-07, 08:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs A
Thanks for that pedalpounder. It seems the more he "gets" the more he is into this stuff, I mean, I thought of that and well, it hasn't changed a thing, it seems like a hyperfocus thing. You can't do it 24/7! But is that what it is about, the need or desire for sex all the time?
I can't say for sure that that's what it is, but to put it in crude terms... the more that a man gets from a woman, the less likely he is to look at porn, let alone even just imagine sex. It's like trying to think of food after you've been to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Masturbation on the other hand (pun intended), is like a sushi bar. You gotta go back often to get your fill.

I dunno. I say, bring him to the buffet very often for two weeks. Suggest it when he wouldn't normally want to, like wake him up in the morning or something. After two weeks of buffeting, don't worry, it's unlikely that he'll be mad when you start slowing it down a little and backing off. But what may happen is that he'll have realized that he just spent 2 weeks without even thinking about porn because his senses were otherwise fulfilled. Maybe you just need to give an initial push to get him that critical mass or moment of inertia that would help him out of this.

There are two laws of physics that I find really apply to get out of anything: 1. An object in motion tends to stay in motion.
2. There's this other law where you need to apply much more force to get a motionless object to start moving than to keep the same object from continuing to move.

I don't know if you're really up for this, especially if you're resentful as it may feel as though you're sacrificing yourself in order to fix something wrong that HE is doing. But, it might just work. Oh, and I'd probably time it right so that you'd start this experiment such that there's the maximum amount of time until an inevitable break. The more distance(time) you can put between him and porn, the more he can break out of it.

That said, I'm sure there are a ton of other ways to handle this, but this one is underhanded and nonconfrontational.
  #20  
Old 09-20-07, 10:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shay_brandy
no harm there.
You're smart. Often porn viewing is an outlet for people (usually men) who can't talk openly about their fantasies with their partners, which, in turn, is often a symptom of other relationship issues. By showing a willingness to share in this activity you're opening an important channel for communication.
  #21  
Old 09-21-07, 11:13 AM
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thanks for all of your different views. I must say that Driver has probably explained what I never really thought about. I don't have issues with him viewing this stuff, its when he does it and lies about it. Completely denies it! We have children and I can't pull him into the room at any moment! And to sit and view it when there is other things he has put off doing. After what we have been through the last 9 months and all the open-discussions we have had about all this, the importance of being honest and open etc. I just don't get why he needs to view this stuff while the family is in the same room! He does a great job of making sure his other sites are up when anyone walks over, but come on, during a DVD night and saying he is just having to read a comment in his fishing forum. This is what I mean. I have done what you all have suggested. I just am wondering if the "more you get the more you want" and that may not just be with the sex, but the stimulation could be addicting as well. This is what concerns me as I cannot be there 24/7 when maybe the urge hits him, like on a business trip. I don't think he even realizes how much time he looks at this stuff, but then he didn't know I knew he was viewing it until I told him and he pretty much called me a liar! Like I said, I don't mind, its a man-thing, we have talked about it, but the amount of time and when and where is what I don't get. Makes trusting him very difficult after what has happened in the past( that we have gone to counselling for.)
As a female, I feel that viewing this stuff gets guys horny and wanting sex. Thats why it can "spice" up a couples sex life. So, what is to say that if a man views this often enough, he is going to want to "act" on it with someone and it would be much more stimulating if you were to sneak with someone other than your wife! I am just saying, if the wife isn't able(kids etc) or around at the moment, not that she wouldn't want to.

Oh yeah, one more thing, I have noticed on the nights he has spent time viewing, he is not easily "turned on" if you know what I mean. Whats with that?
  #22  
Old 09-21-07, 12:02 PM
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Porn....humm....Hard to say. I'm a gay married male and we don't look at porn and we're men. So, it's really hard to say. From a male perspective, I would have to say that men think and feel differently than women do. I know this for fact. Men react much more visually, with sight, smell and touch. Women are more apt to 'romance' and create fantasies in their head and get aroused. Men usually only need a visual usually LOL

If you and your husband are having a happy, healthy sexual relationship, then i wouldn't give it too much clout. Just b/c he's looking at porn, doesn't mean he's wanting to rape and pillidge. Maybe that's his fantasy==we all have fantasies and some of them may be twisted or weird to other people. We know that they cannot be acted out. So, we watch and listen, get aroused and turn it off. It doesn't mean we view anyone as something less than they are or abjectify them. just my opinion.
  #23  
Old 09-21-07, 01:29 PM
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honestly, I was into pornography when I was a teenager and although I look at attractive people in certain areas of their anatomy when they walk past me, that doesn't mean I am into porn, do I think it is immature? perverted? yes, but not abnormal, nor is it very considerate when you have a wife, in my opinion. Am I doing better today? I don't know but that's my honest opinion if that's what you wanted from the male P.O.V. Hey I try...
  #24  
Old 09-21-07, 01:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by julian32
Porn....humm....Hard to say. I'm a gay married male and we don't look at porn and we're men. So, it's really hard to say. From a male perspective, I would have to say that men think and feel differently than women do. I know this for fact. Men react much more visually, with sight, smell and touch. Women are more apt to 'romance' and create fantasies in their head and get aroused. Men usually only need a visual usually LOL

If you and your husband are having a happy, healthy sexual relationship, then i wouldn't give it too much clout. Just b/c he's looking at porn, doesn't mean he's wanting to rape and pillidge. Maybe that's his fantasy==we all have fantasies and some of them may be twisted or weird to other people. We know that they cannot be acted out. So, we watch and listen, get aroused and turn it off. It doesn't mean we view anyone as something less than they are or abjectify them. just my opinion.
This is what I hope its all about and thanks for that. I guess when we have been through some major problems and have realized that open, honest communication is what can solve any issues, and then he lies and sneaks this from me, it brings back the past for me, which I cannot go through again.
  #25  
Old 09-21-07, 01:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mspen1018
honestly, I was into pornography when I was a teenager and although I look at attractive people in certain areas of their anatomy when they walk past me, that doesn't mean I am into porn, do I think it is immature? perverted? yes, but not abnormal, nor is it very considerate when you have a wife, in my opinion. Am I doing better today? I don't know but that's my honest opinion if that's what you wanted from the male P.O.V. Hey I try...
Hey that is great! Thanks for your honesty!!! I think it is normal to "look" but there is a limit.
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Old 09-21-07, 02:11 PM
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So your issue is not really with him viewing porn, it's the lies about his viewing, right? If that is the case, it's good that you can make the distinction. Many women get all wraped up in "he's looking at porn, he must not want me anymore/think I'm fat and/or ugly/ he wants to cheat, etc."

I look at it no differently then work, video games, or any other activity that can take away. To me it's not that he's lookign at porn that would bother me. It would be him lying about it, or if he'd rather spend time with porn then with me. People tend to focus on the porn side more though because it's a semi contreversal topic.

Like someone said (sorry, can't remember who), men are vey visual creatures. They can look at a beautiful woman and that will make them want their own spouse all the more. Women are more of the "make love to my mind" type.

If you really think he's lting about viewing, go to him and talk. Don't accuse. Tell him your concerns in a calm manner. Lies are a bigger issue then nude pics.
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Old 09-21-07, 02:46 PM
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thanks, I thought I was still off base, I have this 'gift' of being a bit cold or harsh, it isn't intentional, I have taken it upon myself to do weekly 'empathy training' sessions in therapy because I suck in that department and I am still half-eligible to be diagnosed as antisocial, and when everything is fake, and there comes a time of looking at myself, regardless of my past, I learn to not be afraid of change, which part of me is, but getting in touch with the possibility of change means I might be a whole person as opposed to new personas, so sorry to get all therapeutic and "all about me" but I just sort of want some understanding as to why I have answers that are cold, because I really intend to be helpful.
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Old 09-21-07, 02:47 PM
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Plus I felt guilty a couple of years ago so I need to learn the rest.
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Old 09-21-07, 02:54 PM
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It's not just an ADD thing that he's looking at porn it's male thing. Non-ADD men are just better at hiding it and their wives are probably less suspicious too! Men or more visual than women when it comes to sex. Oprah did an interesting show about this a while ago. From what I remember men looking at porn was comparable to women using adult toys.

Of course your husband is going to lie to you about if he knows it disgusts you!

The whole porn / Internet sex thing is quite interesting too. Most men aren't going to actually meet somebody in person. They like Internet sex because they are in total control of things. I was watching the Show Talk Sex with Sue Johanson a few months ago and some woman had done research and wrote a book about Internet sex. Of course since I have ADD I forgot the name and the author!
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Old 09-21-07, 03:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mspen1018
thanks, I thought I was still off base, I have this 'gift' of being a bit cold or harsh, it isn't intentional, I have taken it upon myself to do weekly 'empathy training' sessions in therapy because I suck in that department and I am still half-eligible to be diagnosed as antisocial, and when everything is fake, and there comes a time of looking at myself, regardless of my past, I learn to not be afraid of change, which part of me is, but getting in touch with the possibility of change means I might be a whole person as opposed to new personas, so sorry to get all therapeutic and "all about me" but I just sort of want some understanding as to why I have answers that are cold, because I really intend to be helpful.
NO PROBLEM I never took any of your replies in a cold or harsh way. I see things as - If I ask a question and want honesty, I understand that everyones lives are different, and so are their experiences, so I do not get "hurt" or anything. I just like to hear things from a different perspective and everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
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