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  #46  
Old 09-28-07, 07:33 PM
Jesse 7.0 Jesse 7.0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minn306
A member has sent me a message because this is something they did not want to ask (so what is a moderator for but to ask these things??)...................is it "okay" if the man is ordering pay per view movies alot because he says their inimate life is lacking due to the wife not having that high of a sex drive and he has needs to be met?

What do you all think of that?
I disagree with that. I know I am a total hypocrite for saying that. I have viewed my fair share of porn and have an addiction, but I am not in a relationship. My second dad used to watch soft core porn at night when I was was 14 and still up and had no problem with letting me watch it. I guess it was a "man thing". I am ashamed for my actions and still am. I am going to go to a councellor and try and help my addiction. It is unfortunate how so many people think it is okay... I wish my situation was different and I had not been started at such an early age, but it DOES ruin relationships. Trust me.
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  #47  
Old 09-28-07, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by minn306
A member has sent me a message because this is something they did not want to ask (so what is a moderator for but to ask these things??)...................is it "okay" if the man is ordering pay per view movies alot because he says their inimate life is lacking due to the wife not having that high of a sex drive and he has needs to be met?

What do you all think of that?
It's only OK if the wife is OK with it. It's also only OK if wifey does truely have a low-libido and all the romance in the world won't turn it around.
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  #48  
Old 09-28-07, 08:02 PM
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"The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge M.D.

There is a chapter about pornography.

Men (and it's almost exclusively men) who consume a steady diet of porn rewire their brains. They become de-sensitized to 'normal sexual stimulation' because real life is not as "in your face" as is porn. Furthermore men will look for more and more stimulating visuals because the 'usual' becomes boring. The intensity of stimulation begins to wear off with repetitive use.

The internet provides men with all sorts of sexually stimulating possibilities which they encounter almost randomly without ever having considered that a given 'act' would sexually stimulate them. This is one of the reasons that child pornography is such a big thing. There are pedophiles from before internet. But there are many men who develop serious pedophilic tendencies due to the opportunism available on the internet.

Same goes for violence.

Pornography is NOT neutral. Ever.

No woman should EVER blame herself or allow anyone to blame her for her partner's porn addiction.

It takes approximately 4 to 6 months of 'cold turkey' from porn for men's brains to 'rewire' so that they actually respond sexually to 'normal on site sexual stimulation'. I.e. the 'real deal'.

A brief synopsis of the relevent chapter..... Doidge didn't invent the data. He is the messenger. As am I.
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  #49  
Old 10-06-07, 04:44 PM
shay_brandy shay_brandy is offline
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Austin Tashis
You're smart. Often porn viewing is an outlet for people (usually men) who can't talk openly about their fantasies with their partners, which, in turn, is often a symptom of other relationship issues. By showing a willingness to share in this activity you're opening an important channel for communication.
thanks...actually our sex life has just gotten better by watching porn together...sometimes i feel jelous or have a slower time at getting into it cuz if the girls have a better body than me or....well, most of them are just nasty..but it took me awhile but now i understand its not about that at all cuz he is my husband...its made our sex drive a lot more than what is was before. we arent scared to do anything...its great.

thanks for the complement
  #50  
Old 10-07-07, 07:05 AM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: Men and porn?

Austin and shay are making an important point. The use of porn within a relationship can make communication about sensual issues easier if both sides manage to avoid feeling threatened by it. There is a large amount of cultural conditioning about what is "normal" in a relationship and what is "deviant". Only by accepting the feelings and needs of each other, whatever they are can both parties feel at ease with themselves and trusted/valued within the relationship.

It is not accidental that in the BDSM world the word "play" is used for activities exploring the sensual triggers of ones "play partner(s)". Communication, trust and understanding of anothers needs are regarded as essential to good "play".

Men often feel very ill at ease with porn and womens reactions to it as there are large hangup from adolescence plus porn symbolising exploitation and degradation of women in the feminist mind.

One possible way to open communication could be to purchase some porn for ones partner for a present (the net makes this alot easier)

The message is.................
"its Ok I'm not against porn in itself, I know you enjoy this, I want to give you something you enjoy, I don't know much about it but if you talk to me I'll know a bit more for next time. Keep me included in this and who knows what enjoyments may follow"

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  #51  
Old 10-14-07, 08:17 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Porn is a horrible addiction in our society. It cannot be tolerated in your relationship. You've got to put your foot down and put it on the line.

It will destroy you and it turns men into emotionless brainwashed sex machines.
  #52  
Old 10-14-07, 10:17 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by y00ch
It will destroy you and it turns men into emotionless brainwashed sex machines.
Come on! You can't blame porn for that!
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  #53  
Old 10-14-07, 10:36 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Mrs. A, just a word of caution, no matter what the others say, if you have a computer in the household that is not blocked, and you have boys in the family, I would very strongly suggest getting a blocker program on ANY and ALL computers in the home. I learned this the hard way, and have installed protective measures against as much as is possible from entering my home since I have a child here.

Also, if your children are going to be spending any amount of time in another home with a computer, make sure it is properly monitored and/or has blocks on it. Again, I learned this the hard and painful way..........

Pornography should be for the eyes of adults only, and an unmonitored internet connection turned one of my son's friends into a very troubled young lad at an unfortunate young age.

Just be very careful of the access your children may have to any computer in the home.
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  #54  
Old 10-15-07, 08:09 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

I wanted to chime in on this one. It seems like some people are forgetting that ADHD often causes a need for more stimuli. Porn/Sex is an incredible source of that and considering the natural urge to reproduce it may be stronger then a manufactured drug.

Secondly, sometimes there may be a bigger issue at stake like where one partner is very interested in sex and another isn't. It is all too easy to blame one partner or the other, but there may be issues on both sides. Maybe the spouse viewing porn has tried to communicate about sex but was hit with a big wall. Maybe both spouses can't communicate. Maybe it's pure addiction and help is needed. No matter how you cut it I think it becomes all too easy to just blame someone (in this thread that seems to be slanted towards the male).
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  #55  
Old 10-15-07, 08:36 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

:soapbox: I am going to wiegh in on the whole men and porn thing. Yes I do agree now a days it is very common for men to be veiwing and downloading porn. the internet makes it so easy to do so. I personally dont think there is any thing wrong if somone is curious and checks some out. I think where the problem comes it(as with any compulsion) is when this becomes all consuming and it takes on a life of its own, or when the subject matter is about children.

Quote:
Many women get all wraped up in "he's looking at porn, he must not want me anymore/think I'm fat and/or ugly/ he wants to cheat, etc."
this is a big consern that a lot of wives have about their husbands looking at porn, for the most part this is usually untrue, though there are many exceptions to this. somone touched on porn addiction in this thread. this is a bigger problem than people what to admit. I know there are many that dont believe something like sex can be an addiction becauce you are not injesting something, but it is chemical just the same. It triggers the same pleasure centers of the brain that runners get when the get the "runners high" wich in turn creates the same high that a herion addict feels when he or she shoots up. if this is the case there are much bigger issues going on than just the looking at the porn. there are probly many many self esteme issues, shame issuses, and issues about boundries. so it has less to do about the sex aspect than it does about the want to feel that rush. UNfortantly yes if this is an addiction then the chase of that high can cause a person to be involved in riskyer and riskier behaviors and sometimes dangerous ones. Much of it is about self medicating and that is why there may be a higher proportion of adhd men looking at this stuff. Im sorry if I rambled on, but this is a subject i am very passionate about.
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  #56  
Old 10-15-07, 09:42 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

I didn't actually read this thread, but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents (typical ADD thing, I know).

As a woman, I do not have a problem with the idea of pornography, with pornography meaning sexual entertainment.

I DO have a problem with what pornography actually looks like, which is basically demeaning and humiliating to women, and often completely focused on the sexual pleasure of the male involved. Or if there are two women, it is usually focused on what men might find as a turn on, rather than what would actually please two women together.

Also, the hypercriticalness and objectification of women that go along with the way porn is practiced are despicable. If pornography was made and enjoyed in a way that was respectful to women, I bet more women would like it, and possibly more would approve of it as well.

As it is now, porn says a lot about how awful men's attitudes toward women can be. Why is it a turn-on to demean a woman and give her as little satisfaction as possible while she does everything she can to please a man? If a man takes his sexual cues from porn, chances are he sucks in bed and thinks sex is all about him.
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  #57  
Old 10-15-07, 01:56 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzleDazzle
Mrs. A, just a word of caution, no matter what the others say, if you have a computer in the household that is not blocked, and you have boys in the family, I would very strongly suggest getting a blocker program on ANY and ALL computers in the home. I learned this the hard way, and have installed protective measures against as much as is possible from entering my home since I have a child here.

Also, if your children are going to be spending any amount of time in another home with a computer, make sure it is properly monitored and/or has blocks on it. Again, I learned this the hard and painful way..........

Pornography should be for the eyes of adults only, and an unmonitored internet connection turned one of my son's friends into a very troubled young lad at an unfortunate young age.

Just be very careful of the access your children may have to any computer in the home.
FrazzleDazzle I Totally agree with you!! I have a great program installed and blockers but talking with kids is also important as you cannot control what happens in others homes. My H has his own laptop password protected for his use.

I do feel what Spongedaddy said about the ADHD and stimuli with porn viewing can be an issue. I wonder how many "sex addicts" are ADHD? I guess it would be similar to alcohol and drugs. I think its the impulsiveness part that I am more concerned of.
I also think it is "normal" for males to have the stronger sex drive. Not saying women don't, but males have a "reason" to, by design! Its just how far they need to go to be satisfied. If it keeps escalating for more or different stimuli, then I don't think that is the "norm".
It is obvious why the majority of women don't approve of porn. Women think about it and process it while men just "see" it for the most part.
Just as prostitutes etc. It exists because there is money to be made! and there are women that don't feel the same as the majority of females.
  #58  
Old 10-15-07, 03:17 PM
MilesRStyles69 MilesRStyles69 is offline
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Re: Men and porn?

Mrs. A,
As a guy I will give you my opinion of why your husband is lying to you, its not to be decietful to you in anyway, I would say its because he know you dissapprove and doesn't want to admit it to you when you ask because he doesn't want to get into an arguement or be belittled by you and called a pervert for doing something that is perfectly natural anyway......
Also he is looking at porn because otherwise why would he delete his browser history, there would be no need....
But I think you need to accept that his looking at it and don't let it bother you.
Even better you could get intrested in looking at it yourself so then you both could discuss your intrest together, so to break down the wall of distrust and uncertainty and also because marriage is about compromise and accepting each other the way you both are.
Hope this was helpful, I hope you get this issue sorted out with you husband, as so you both can come to an understanding.
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Old 10-15-07, 07:59 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Hi Mrs A

"I wonder how many "sex addicts" are ADHD? I guess it would be similar to alcohol and drugs. I think its the impulsiveness part that I am more concerned of."

Aha..I see a light going on there.....I for one think you are on the right path, once you understand that the deep neurochemical responses to porn and "impulsive" sex are similar to those experienced with alcohol and more obviously illicit drug use then the more likely you are to understand your husbands motivations.

The next step is to understand your own responses. It is easy to turn the spotlight on another human and judge them, far more difficult to turn a blinding light on yourself without being dazzled.

Why do you fear his impulses?

kilt
  #60  
Old 10-15-07, 10:26 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

I think porn is fine, in moderation - like everything else.

It's when people get obsessed with it and start watching it multiple times a day is where the problem starts. Getting desensitized to normal sex and getting the wrong idea of what sex is about is what you've got to be careful about, especially with young people who haven't had much experience and expect what they see on their computers to happen in real life.
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