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  #61  
Old 10-15-07, 10:54 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Mrs. A, glad to know you've got "protection" on the homefront! :-)

Back to the subject!
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Old 10-16-07, 07:01 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

I think the dishonesty is an issue but I am sorry Ms. A your personal perspective maybe an issue here also. Why would he want to drag you into some kind of argument no one will win any way? All the argument is going to do is cause pain, even an ADDer would realize that after going through it already. Wasn't his last porn viewing thing drug in front of a therapist and made a huge deal out of yet his needs were possibly labeled ADD and that was the end of that? The facts known are You do not like porn and he can't change that, he likes it and apparently you can not change that. What you can change is the ending of the story.



If one wants to see meadd823 get really weird try to shove my happy hinney in a box. OKay the pressure is going to build and it is going to come out some where some how the only thing I can do is try to control where and how. Maybe the out of control is really an attempt at control. The dishonestly is really not wanting to cause pain. I know my opinion will NOT be the popular one but it is an honest one {an I normally manage some originality along the way some time it can be a benefit = my desire} . .

By reading your post about his porn time I see times of lack of stimulation here, movie night with the kids rated G or a chick flick. He wants to enjoy the chick flick but heck his brain isn't into it. Kind of like expecting a race car driver to enjoy a 20mph race through a school zone. He wants to break free but not from you but from this feeling inside like a pressure. See I don't think it is t you Ms A your sex life I am not even touching here because I am not even sure it is about the sex it is about freedom. . . breaking out of the social cage many who still live in the NTer world feel on a regular basis. We are expected to fit into this box that wasn't designed for us.

He wants to break free of the confinement of "expected social behavior" if even for a moment. The hunter thing a couple of the men described is close to what I have felt { and yes I am female but I am not a normal female} To me it is like an urge, a pressure a feeling of wanting to run inside. To just be who I am , not be ashamed of what I am even if only for a moment. Plus as meantioned the stimulation clears the mind which is why we ADDers are drawn to it. It isn't a sin to be this why and it shouldn't be drug around like some thing we should be ashamed of either. The fact that desiring stimulation is talked about like it is some how the wrong way to be is one of the reasons so many of us go under ground and end up dealing with it in some unhealthy ways.


Yes you have kids and???? You have a husband too????

Non -ADDers are supposed to be good at balancing so I see a need for balancing. Maybe he needs some time with you that isn't about kids, bills and Honey do list. IN other wards ditch the kids and do some thing spontaneous like rent some porn yourself and have an evening with hubby.If nothing else the look on his face will be worth the price of admission. Don't say you will accept porn viewing IN all honesty we ADDers have heard that acceptance "be your self" crap before only to find out it is a lie. Don't tell him show him you are willing to accept this by DOING. But it must be totally unexpected by him he can't see it coming at all.

Now the body image issue this must be addressed - I wouldn't offer such advice without dealing with this aspect after it was mentioned by so many women here. {the word porn in the title of this thread attracted a lot of women couldn't help but notice}

Now for meadd823 crude that a few women here need to think about. I have watched porn and those guys ummmmm {is there a family friendly way to say this?} look like they could be second cousins to a hoarse in the southern portions of the hemisphere. Now my question - is there any one here of the female persuasion who after watching one of these cousin to a hoarse do Debbie of the perfect chess set really expect your husband to live up to the picture on the screen? Are you any less satisfied with him? I know for me I am grateful Gary isn't second cousin to a horse . I am not any less satisfied with him. Judging by Gary's reactions he does not seem to mind I do not posses a perfect chess set.

To say this automatically degrades women is to place your judgment in the mind of another human being. Outside of Ms A we do not know her husband. What can be seen as dishonesty could actual be Ms. A's husband knowing how Ms A feels about porn and his desire not to hurt her.


I am not defending him but apparently you have been through therapy before maybe NTer therapy isn't what an ADDer needs - he needs some ADD insanity and spontaneousness - live in his world for a while after all he has to function in yours every day. If any thing maybe the feeling like you are expected to act in a way not natural to you will not only grab hubby's attention but it may also be a decent way to learn how it is to be one of us for an evening. Be ADD for an evening be sensually ADD for a few hours and see what happens. What do you have to loose - another no win fight about porn?

Just a hyperactive woman's thoughts on the issue at hand.{OMG puns - means my meds are wearing off}

I truly do hopes this helps and I understand many of you will disgree Well that is okay too. Who said we all had to be alike any way.
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  #63  
Old 10-16-07, 08:17 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ozchris
I think porn is fine, in moderation - like everything else.

It's when people get obsessed with it and start watching it multiple times a day is where the problem starts. Getting desensitized to normal sex and getting the wrong idea of what sex is about is what you've got to be careful about, especially with young people who haven't had much experience and expect what they see on their computers to happen in real life.
Well that is exactly how I feel!

I have viewed porn with him, it just isn't my thing. Just like alot of women, but I don't think men shouldn't view it, its just how much time is spent doing it. Our life doesn't only revolve around the kids, we are adults and have lots of adult "alone" time together. He knows that I know he likes it, but he also knows that he has gotten "carried away" with things before that had jeopardized our relationship! I wanted a male view ADHD and not. I feel I am pretty open about others views. I do know what females think as well. I have friends at both ends of this issue. I am more middle. I am just concerned if this is something he may have no control over (ADHD traits of impulsiveness and seeking high stimuli) I won't go through the past experiences again.
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Old 10-17-07, 08:14 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Hi Meadd

You're dead right it's not really about sex, its about boredom.

I don't know about other ADD guys but I don't get much out of going to watch other people playing sport, likewise I find the grunty macho competitiveness of playing squash or five a side football leaves me cold. Likewise I leave the room when the TV's on in the early evening.

However social scary sports such as scuba diving, mountaineering, sailing square rigged ships are different.

The adrenaline burn after a winter night dive to 60 feet is pretty good....and to be totally honest...yes it is better than (most) sex.

Likewise running off a mountain in South America strapped to a hang glider and a big black guy called Zero, paragliding in the swiss Alps, off piste skiing, winter mountaineering.

For me these clear my mind and make the other parts of life easier to cope with....as long as I know where my next fix is likely to come from....it helps knowing a good bunch of friends who also do these things, but such friendships are difficult to maintian when kids come along.

What alot of these things share is the element of danger and the fact that they are not conventionally "macho" because you really depend on yourself and those around you to be safe so the usual insecure willy waving male doesn't last long (Not because he dies but because he's dangerous to be around).

So partners (particularly wives) need to be aware that their ADHD spouse will do things that could cause familial trauma, either legitimately, through sporting death or long separations, or illigitimately through affairs and other thrill seeking behaviours.

For the partner of a depressed and slothful ADDer its about finding the switch that kickstarts the adrenaline ..... because as far as I can see most ADDers are pretty good to be around when the brain is constructively ON and hell to be with when it's OFF.

So first thing....what does/did he like doing. What fired him up and made him good to be around. How can that be recreated constructively within the relationship?

What will take him out and away from where he's at now.....and allow him to come back a happy guy when he's done.

To get him back you have to send him away!

And yes he may stray occasionally but thats life. I'll tell you one thing. No man ever leaves a wife who has a knowing smile at the corner of her mouth when he comes back with his tail up on Sunday evening.....and every predatory mistress knows that too.

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  #65  
Old 10-18-07, 04:48 PM
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Smile Re: Men and porn?

Ok Mrs A. Here's my philosophy when it comes to this subject. I am a man. I watch porn everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. It's notthat it's a "man thing" per-se, and it's not that I want to degrade women in any way at all. My fiancee knows that I do this, and it doesn't bother her. I personally cannot tell you why I watch it, other than I like to see women, what they look like and how they act, whether it be in real situations or not. That being said, I think I tend to hyperfocus on the pleasures at hand. I love my fiancee more than life itself, and I have always had her up on a pedestal. I always put her first, and I am more attracted to her now than I have ever been. That being said, I don't think you really have to worry about him watching porn. More than likely it has nothing to do with you whatsoever, and more likely has everything to do with him hyperfocusing on something else. He may well still be very much in love with you, and attracted to you, but he gets excitment from this activity. However, I do agree with others on this thread thatthe lying and denying are a problem. A person must be open with their partner in order to have any type of relationship. To not do so is to invite catastrophe. You need to talk to him, or he to you, and have a calm conversation about why he is doing this, and what he gets out of it, and he needs to understand that he needs to be honest. Thats my opinion anyway.
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Old 10-19-07, 08:30 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
You're dead right it's not really about sex, its about boredom.
See that is what I saw too I mean at work???? With the family running in and out????? Well boredom strikes me as a reason also. I won't rule out addiction but addiction is normally a result of the search for excitement.




Quote:
The adrenaline burn after a winter night dive to 60 feet is pretty good....and to be totally honest...yes it is better than (most) sex.
Yep I agree completely.


These days one can get an adrenaline rush driving the highways, traffic is so bad.






Quote:
have viewed porn with him, it just isn't my thing.
Was it his? Did he enjoy it?

I watch the world series with Gary I am not a baseball fan but I am a Gary fan. I do it solely for him because he enjoys it. Why he wants my company I do not know I have no need to know it simply is. Baseball isn't my thing either but I endure because I love him and for no other reason.







Quote:
I wanted a male view ADHD and not.
I believe you have several male views.

I posted a question in this section asking if being told big boys don't cry effected the way men dealt with their emotions as adults. It doesn't seem like a female would know the answer to that one but I got responses from females any way. This is an ADD community and categorizations are not the ADD strong suite so I let the chips fall where they may. I ended up with a good exchange turns out the females presence enhanced the male participation and increased the depth of the discussion. I got some excellent information from the discussion.

Besides pure categorization dictates all males in this section would be ADD after all it is titled men with ADD - more stuff that make me go hmmmmm. Men post in the female section even when we are discussing "monthly cycles" it is a very ADD site.






Quote:
I do know what females think as well
Seeing I am female and you know what females think then you knew I was in much the same situation with Gary around the time I joined this community. My responses are from experience.







Quote:
I am more middle. I am just concerned if this is something he may have no control over (ADHD traits of impulsiveness and seeking high stimuli)
He may not fully understand why. Addiction occurs when one doesnít like the way he/she feels and seeks to change it. ADD = boredom aversion.

ADDers are prone to addiction when we seek to relieve boredom or feelings of inadequacy, frustration , low self esteem {a feeling that is extremely unpleasant} Addiction can take the form of drug abuse, drinking, risky sports, viewing the taboo, and yes even seeking that which is "forbidden".

According to statistics the population with the highest addiction potential is usually the one at the lowest socioeconomic level addictions also run high in the neurodiverse populations. At first it doesn't make sense that the poorest would waste money on drugs and alcohol any more than it makes sense for a man to risk loosing a faithful devoted wife and family for images on a computer screen.

It doesn't matter if your husband is addicted or bored the bottom line is the same - he seeks to change the way he feels period. Apparently the feeling is bad enough for him to take the risk he is taking. It isnít about ADD or male-hood it is about escaping bad feelings. Finding an alternative activity as Kilted suggested may work but I have had to enter into a few closets in my life time in order to become capible of fetching a loved one out.

I wish the best for you and yours.
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  #67  
Old 10-19-07, 08:40 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Hi Meadd

As one who has problems with depression and addictions of various types there is nothing I would like more than a partner willing to come into the darkness to find me......with a torch.

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Old 10-21-07, 12:01 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

When we are trying to have sex it works for a moment or it is a wam bam thank you mam , but when I get in touch with her hair or we do a position what we do often I lose it and cant preform anymore. And then it usually ends up in a fight. She shaved her head ones and the sex was much better but now since she has hair again everything is going down the train.
And she likes to cuttle but I get nerved by it and lose my interest in sex.
Or after sex I get right up but she wants to cuddle and I get angry and she feels like I only want to F... Her and not make love. She asked me if she is only a F... To me or if I even love her. I told her that sex is boring but that it is not her and we had a fight again.And the thinks I like in sex most of them she doesn't . I only have sex with her to please her needs in the last months but I'm lost because I don't enjoy it anymore. And I don't know what to do.Honestly I don't want sex anymore because it got boring .
So to fill my needs I watch pornos and erase it to so that she does not know because she might get hurt. Maybe he does it because sex is not interesting for him anymore because he needs more change in his sexlive. And tryes not to hurt you either. Thats all I could think of. Because I know man who dont need pornos because they say there wife fullfills ther sexlife.
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Old 10-22-07, 03:03 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jcale
Ok Mrs A. Here's my philosophy when it comes to this subject. I am a man. I watch porn everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. It's notthat it's a "man thing" per-se, and it's not that I want to degrade women in any way at all. My fiancee knows that I do this, and it doesn't bother her. I personally cannot tell you why I watch it, other than I like to see women, what they look like and how they act, whether it be in real situations or not. That being said, I think I tend to hyperfocus on the pleasures at hand. I love my fiancee more than life itself, and I have always had her up on a pedestal. I always put her first, and I am more attracted to her now than I have ever been. That being said, I don't think you really have to worry about him watching porn. More than likely it has nothing to do with you whatsoever, and more likely has everything to do with him hyperfocusing on something else. He may well still be very much in love with you, and attracted to you, but he gets excitment from this activity. However, I do agree with others on this thread thatthe lying and denying are a problem. A person must be open with their partner in order to have any type of relationship. To not do so is to invite catastrophe. You need to talk to him, or he to you, and have a calm conversation about why he is doing this, and what he gets out of it, and he needs to understand that he needs to be honest. Thats my opinion anyway.
Thanks for that. You have explained my H, and what he said!!!

I thought I should say thanks for your responses and give an update.

We have talked since, several times actually, because it is difficult for his ADD brain to explain, why the lying. Seems he "forgot" my views on him viewing (from earlier conversations about this) and he was "scared" what I would think. But he also understood what I was concerned with in the way he was becoming "addicted"(I use this word only to explain that he was looking more than he realized until I showed him).
In the "Old days"-magazines read in privacy(away from kids), Nowdays-internet on laptop capable of viewing anytime anywhere!
We are back to an understanding and hope it gets remembered.That part is ADD!
I guess the couselling we have gone through has managed to stick a bit! Communication and getting past the old ways before the ADD diagnosis (denial, defensiveness) seems to be key.
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Old 10-22-07, 09:36 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

As a female, I see it as him NOT cheating. Men seem to need variety, when they get bored they sometimes tend to cheat (not all men, don't hang me). If he is looking at porn chances are he is being faithful to you. He just needs an outlet for built up tension that may be there.
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Old 10-23-07, 12:38 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

I find nothing wrong with or objectionable about someone of any sex viewing porn. Pornography would not be interesting if subjects like domination, sadism, masochism, etc werent allready prevalant in the persons psyche. Even in absolutely vanilla plain old every day sex those themes are present. So the concept that porn creates these things is ridiculous.

I know quite a few females interested in more extreme forms of porn than most males.

Sorry but a lot of the comments in here are quite naive.
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Old 10-23-07, 01:04 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

What about viewing porn multiple times a day though? Everything in moderation obviously but if someone is spending so much time watching porn that they're neglecting relationships it can't be too healthy for them..
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Old 10-23-07, 01:15 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Anything can be compulsive it just seems more sinister because its something thats stigmatized. At least he isnt playing world of warcraft.
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Old 10-23-07, 01:17 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by D.B. Cooper
Anything can be compulsive it just seems more sinister because its something thats stigmatized. At least he isnt playing world of warcraft.
Yeah that's true That game has messed up a lot of people.
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Old 10-23-07, 05:58 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Sorry for jumping in here on my first post.

You wanted a male opinion, here's mine. Imagine you have a fantasy of seducing a young muscular poolboy. Often you find yourself daydreaming about it. Out of blue one day, your husband confronts you and says "I know you fantasize about a poolboy and I'm disturbed by it. Don't think about it anymore and I'll be checking your thoughts"

How violated and embarassed would you be? A step further, one day you find yourself by the pool with a young muscular poolboy who is flirting with you. Knowing you will never get a chance to live the fantasy out with your husband, and he is making sure you can't even think about it, how stong a temptation would it be to give in?

My point, if he's looking at porn when you aren't interested in sex, he's just servicing a need. If he's looking at porn displaying things you are not willing to do, it's servicing a need. If you are intent on taking both of those away from him he will still have the need but no outlet. Then the temptation to have an affair will be all the more stronger.

If he has replaced sex with you with porn, you have a problem. If he is neglecting his family and/or career for porn, you have a problem. If he is just indulging a fantasy, stop violating his trust by snooping around his computer.
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