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  #106  
Old 11-07-07, 08:25 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

I dont get it. So he wants to have a wank, so what? Only so much time you can spend time doing that, and I cant see how that would cause any problems. Its got to get boring at some point, maybe thats just me..
  #107  
Old 11-07-07, 08:32 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

i used to read my bros porn when i was alot younger. I dont really have a problem with it, dont really buy it but if a mates watching a porn video, Il watch it with him.
I guess when it comes to relationships, if the girl I was with didnt like me watching porn I wouldnt. Its one of those touchy subjects where you have to respect your partners opinions and feelings about it. Thats just my opinion tho ay..wot id do.
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  #108  
Old 11-07-07, 11:25 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

.. WOW... maori_boy... talk about diversion... thanks for the beautiful song! I don't remember what I was going to post, hahahaha... but I'd rather just sing the song...
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  #109  
Old 11-07-07, 11:44 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

I skipped right along to the last page...I remember reading the first page sometime last week, but I had this issue with one of my exs. I could not stand the fact and he watched porn, but I also realize it was because of my insecurities. For the first year or two in our three year relationship it was a constant fight, but I finally decided it wasn't worth fighting about. I mean it's not like he's actually out sleeping with that person or anything...it's just a movie.
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  #110  
Old 11-08-07, 12:15 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Visual stimulation. Ive know many females who like reading romance novels, no difference really.
  #111  
Old 11-08-07, 05:04 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pedalpounder
Only you can know if it's that, but my opinion is that he's just not getting enough. On one extreme you have men where once a month is okay and for others it's everyday and twice on weekends. Sex drive (in men anyway) builds up and up until the next 'release', where it goes back down to a zero and starts building up again. There comes a time where it just becomes physically uncomfortable and you feel like a horny 15 year old who just has to have it, one way or another. It is this physical discomfort that drives people towards a release. I repeat, it is a physical discomfort. You actually feel bad, urged, motorized, gotta get it outta me, I can't hold it anymore kind of discomfort. Women don't understand this because it is different for them. So, it depends on HOW you handle that urge. Some people rape, some people kick and scream and pick fights with their significant other for not giving it to them often enough, some people have affairs and some people just take a longer than usual shower.

So, if for him, going from zero to 100 is really quick and doesn't get it from you, he'll get it from elsewhere. It doesn't have to involve porn or anyone else though, but maybe it was just easier for him that way and now it turned into this addiction.

So, look into that. If his sex drive is higher than yours, then ask yourself if you're ready to change the frequency to meet his need. Otherwise, expect him to handle (pun intended) his urge in other ways. If a man is always at the low end of his 'urge' scale, sex will be the last thing on his mind, and so will porn. Oh yeah, an important point is that actual sex brings your urge back down to a zero / near zero whereas masturbation might cut back your urge in half, so he might be stuck looking for more.
I'm new to this site, but I have to agree with pedalpounder 100%. I have a strong, strong sexual urge...sometimes I wonder if my ADD affects it, which I think it may. But if he's looking at porn, then he has a higher sexual urge than you, and he needs that "release" more often. Thankfully, I married a woman with a similar(but not equal of course ) sexual urge as myself.

In summary, maybe you guys need to spice things up a bit.
  #112  
Old 11-13-07, 08:35 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
But you may have misinterpretted my posts.
Misunderstood perhaps it is some thing that has happened

If I remember my post correctly I do not think I was claiming accuracy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by meadd823 a few post up
So Ms A Husband has been "reminded" that she doesn't approve of him viewing porn or some thing like that. Any way she seems content with the out come.
Please note the underlined portions {some thing like that - means that my interpretation may not be entirely accurate} - then you accuse me of misinterpertating - wow what a paradox - works for me.



The second underline part is - you took action and got positive results - which is really what matters more than any thing else {IMHO}

Basically post #104 was my way of saying - have fun guys I am finished with this particular discussion. Based on your post #102 you seemed like you were ready to end the discussion about your and your husband which is why I didn't get in a tweazle about the crazy-mobile exchange.

Quote:
Very good point and yes we HAVE found a "resolution and peace" on this.

Just like my post way back #69 (lol) stated, we have worked through this, just as every problem we have encountered through our 20 yr marriage. This issue, as well as many others got "out of control" because of his ADHD. He did not "see" at what extent this was becoming a problem,"hyperfocussing", like other issues that have gotten out of control in the past.

The key is MODERATION for everything, and unfortunately, it gets painfully upsetting having to explain this over and over and over, but if I didn't, he may be on marriage #4 like the rest of his family members.

Thanks to all the men for their "experience and opinions" with this. Some helped my H put "words to his thoughts" in communicating with me.

Again, this forum is a great source of info and help.
I hope something on here may help someone else
Did I misinterpret this as well?

In reality this is an excellent example of why I often find NTers so confusing which is why I often remark with things like - huh, wow, duh, really. I am not trying to be difficult I really do find your response confusing but that is okay I understand confusion is often a result of miscommunication - I don't get upset about it any more I simply accept it as a result of individual diversity. I try to better explain myself because I am not trying to cause an upset some time it helps other times it doesn't.
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Last edited by meadd823; 11-13-07 at 08:59 AM..
  #113  
Old 11-13-07, 08:07 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

There may another angle to this. I have used porn as a tool to learn new techniques and positons. Remember, we have ADHD so everything stimulates us. Its not always the sex or the girls. Rather, maybe there is something he can pick up to use later. If, however, its hours on end then it may be something. I can go months without it or just view it a couple of days during a week. Most is the same ol same ol. I think it becomes a problem if he is after it all the time and vice versa if he is turned off by you. I have been confronted by someone(the video was on top of the machine) I just said the same. Not all guys look like those on the videos so, we know our partners are not porn stars as well. Communication is still the key. Be open if watching it and be ready if he says he does.
  #114  
Old 12-13-07, 04:02 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Hi this is my first post and I don't really know where to start, I am 31 and only just found out I have ADD, maybe this is the wrong thread, i don't know, but I need some help, I didn't really watch that much porn(well a fair amount) but I have been on adult sex/chat sites when I am feeling really low, I try and arrange a meeting with someone, but once I have emailed a couple of people I get a instant release and feel better, this is then followed by guilt ( I was in a relationship), I haven't meet anybody for real but the excitement of sending the emails was enough and I couldn't stop myself, my girlfriend found out everytime and everytime i promised not to do it again, until I emailed a girl I meet while out with her at a wedding, we swopped some photos by email and I said I wanted to meet her (infact I had no intention of ever meeting her but the idea of it was enough), she found out about this too and this was too much and she felt me, now i have lost the love of my life!, I since found out that I have ADD and most of the problems that I have had since a child have been caused by that! I am so angry with myself, what can I do when I feel like this again to stop myself? - so far I have deleted any profile I had to do with sex and now I am so disgused that i feel that I will never do it again, but I had really thought that many times before.,
please go easy on me...... for my first post, many thanks James
  #115  
Old 12-14-07, 05:17 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
I since found out that I have ADD and most of the problems that I have had since a child have been caused by that! I am so angry with myself, what can I do when I feel like this again to stop myself?
If you want a traditional relationship then maybe try an more relationship friendly high stimuli behavior like bungee jumping or hang gliding there are many ways to get that dopamine rush.


Relationships can have different rules if you are unable to stay monogamous then it would be better to be up front and honest about this. Not every one who has multiple partner is cheating some are able to do so "legally" within the relationship but it can be tricky business for some emotionally speaking

See - the reason it is called cheating because both parties are not "playing" by the same rules - one partner is expecting the other to remain faithful while they do not - if you have a natural aversion to sticking to a single partner then do all a favor allow your partner the same privileges - my spouse learned the law of bi-lateral rule equality the hard way but it did get his attention despite his untreated ADHD he was able to come to a decision {I do a really good wake up call} So it isn't necessarily the ADD but a lack of understanding about possibilities and feeling like one has to play only by those rules traditional society sets forth.
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  #116  
Old 12-14-07, 07:02 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by meadd823
If you want a traditional relationship then maybe try an more relationship friendly high stimuli behavior like bungee jumping or hang gliding there are many ways to get that dopamine rush.


Relationships can have different rules if you are unable to stay monogamous then it would be better to be up front and honest about this. Not every one who has multiple partner is cheating some are able to do so "legally" within the relationship but it can be tricky business for some emotionally speaking
.......... it's not that I can't stay monogamous when it comes to sex, although I have found it hard in the past, but this is more seeking frills on the internet, weather that be swapping pic's with someone or trying to arrange a meeting with a stranger, once that person says yes, I make some reason up why I can't then move on to the next person

Last edited by meadd823; 12-17-07 at 08:12 AM.. Reason: HTML correction only
  #117  
Old 12-14-07, 06:29 PM
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Re: Men and porn?

Please don't take this personally, but if women don't like men to have a normal sex drive, then maybe they should marry a gay catholic priest or another woman (oh sorry, priests can't marry). On the other hand if a guy is viewing this stuff at work (EVER) or in a place where the kids could get to it (EVER), then it's a serious problem. I knew somebody who was fired from a high-paying computer job for (allegedly) viewing porn. The weird thing about it was, he was a network admin and the guy who busted other people for downloading Napster and Kazaa stuff on their govt. PC's. You would have thought a guy like that had more sense. So maybe some people really are addicts, but as far as I can see, a lot of guys look at this stuff (100% Legal and adult), are totally faithful to their ladies, and would NEVER be dumb enough to do it at work.
In a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to talk about this sort of thing with his girl, and she shouldn't judge him for it (some even get into it!).

I think a lot of women are often still clinging to that old Victorian repression thing. They act like "girls gone wild" when they are single (with other guys), and then expect to be treated like the bloody virgin Mary or some fairy tale princess by their husband after they get married, but it doesn't work that way. That could be another reason most guys don't want to get married any more.

The best thing a lady can do is talk to her guy about it. But be prepared not to win the argument if you want him to give this up cold turkey. It's possible to get him to stop, but you'll have to work at it, if you know what I mean
  #118  
Old 12-17-07, 08:26 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
Please don't take this personally, but if women don't like men to have a normal sex drive, then maybe they should marry a gay catholic priest or another woman (oh sorry, priests can't marry).
First of all: what exactly is "normal" any way? I figured the male libido varied as it does among females.

Second of all: I never take any thing some one else post personally. . . your post is a reflection of who you are as a person having little if any thing to do with me.


Third: I do plan to respond if for no other reason that to educate - eradicating stigmas is kind of a mission for me.

Fourth: - I do believe the issue is honesty NOT sex drive - expecting honestly is not unreasonable no matter what a person's gender is.







Quote:
In a healthy relationship, a guy should be able to talk about this sort of thing with his girl, and she shouldn't judge him for it (some even get into it!).
How about it he/she talks about it while they are negotiating a relationship - if one doesn't understand negotiating the expectations of a relationship perhaps you have stumbled upon the problem.

It rarely is "style" that is a problem. It doesn't matter if a couple wants a Victorian traditional style relationship or a swing relationship what becomes the problem is when these expectations are not communicated honestly so each person ends up expecting some thing differently - some time these expectations do change as the person does but if communication is happening major war fair can normally be averted {even if a break up is decided upon}






Quote:
They act like "girls gone wild" when they are single (with other guys), and then expect to be treated like the bloody virgin Mary or some fairy tale princess by their husband after they get married, but it doesn't work that way. That could be another reason most guys don't want to get married any more
I believe this statement to be a bit on the stereotypical side myself {IMHO} - read in the relationship forums I think you will find there are guys looking for "Ms Right" just like there are gals looking for "Mr Right" . . ..


By the way Victorian comes in two sexes NOT just the female one. . .. I am the female and it is my husband who prefers the more "traditional style" relationship. . . . it is I who willingly gave up some of my "wild side" in our negotiation phase.







PS Yes I know this is the men's section but I have men posting in the women's section - I even have a male in the thread about tracking monthly cycles. It' like a universal law or some thing that if people can read they will respond to it -
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Last edited by meadd823; 12-17-07 at 09:14 AM..
  #119  
Old 12-17-07, 09:02 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Quote:
but this is more seeking frills on the internet, weather that be swapping pic's with someone or trying to arrange a meeting with a stranger, once that person says yes, I make some reason up why I can't then move on to the next person
Have you considered bungee jumping, hang gliding, para trooping, playing poker, becoming a fire fighter or EMT in a major city? - none of these thing involve playing head games and risking hurting another person seeking that dopamine rush yet they all provide it just the same.

Not meant to be judgmental in any way I am just pointing out there there are numerous ways to get what you seek without hurting others and ruining your own integrity.
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  #120  
Old 12-17-07, 10:24 AM
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Re: Men and porn?

Sorry I know this is the 8th page of this thread, but I was only able to read the first post at the very start of the thread.

In my own opinion, I dont see anything wrong at looking at porn even when you are married.

Dont tell me that you dont fantasize over other men/women when you are married in your own mind.

Looking at porn just helps you to fantasize better.

I am only 17 years old, so not married, but I find it easier to fantasize about sex when I am looking at porn, because of my ADD, it is hard to think about sex in my mind (without looking at porn) because my mind changes thoughts that quickly.
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