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Old 03-28-18, 04:48 AM
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She left

Well I predicted this might happen and it did. I am trying not to freak out, in fact I am remarkably calm. Everything was going great. Becca earned her car back just last weekend, she was perfect about letting us know where she was and who she was with. She sent us her location via the iphone. She answered my calls and was honest. Shes getting straight A's and we bought her prom dress.
The night she left (Monday) she was late coming home. She told me she got pulled over but didnt get a ticket. I told her that the traffic stop was not a 40 minute stop and that regardless she was already running late. I know that upset her. I wasnt angry or yelling. It seemed matter of fact. The next morning my husband found this note.

At least its not an F-U note but not knowing where she is is killing us. She has always needed drama and I swear when things go good its almost like she stirs up drama just to have it. I have not reacted in an irrational way. I texted her that I hoped she would go to school and that we have to have a conversation about the car and her phone if she plans on staying away. I told her she left some of her work stuff here. I didnt accuse her of being selfish and I know that my lack of freaking out is probably driving her nuts. I do not want her to have the satisfaction of knowing she has turned our world upside down.

My son feels bad because he heard something going on but didnt investigate. My other daughter feels bad because she saw her packing stuff but didnt put two and two together. I told them both its not their fault. I meet with her guidance counselor who wants to figuratively shake her just like I do. We are trying to figure out where she is because the school officer said he could do a wellness check to see if she is ok but everyone's hands are tied. She is 18 and can't be forced to go anywhere as long as she is safe.

I am really hoping that she does just need time to think and by not flipping out on her she comes home.

Now on to the ranting because I know you guys wont judge me.

SHE is so selfish! She is not on her own..she is with someone so she has no idea how much it costs to live on her own. She has not idea how to manage her money (assuming she keeps her job). She has no regard for our family. Her sister has her choral concert tonight- and Easter is Sunday. She is hurting us so much. But at this time its not productive or helpful for her to know this. The goal is getting her home and when she does get home the car is going to be restricted again and I am making her contribute more to her cell phone bill. Right now she is just paying for the actual phone but we pay for the service for the family.

There is more I want to share as I think of it I will. Please, no one be mean to me or tell me I am an awful mother- I sure feel like one but if I cant get some support here I dont know what I will do,

Below is the letter. If its unreadable let me know and I will resize it.
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love to you all.
-sweets
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Old 03-28-18, 07:48 AM
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Re: She left

Well semi positive news: Ella texted me to say that Becca is in school today and that she told her she was the only person that she missed. Basically she misses her sister and to hell with the rest of us. That really stung.
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Old 03-28-18, 12:49 PM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Well semi positive news: Ella texted me to say that Becca is in school today and that she told her she was the only person that she missed. Basically she misses her sister and to hell with the rest of us. That really stung.
It's a tough age. My daughter turned 18 just after starting her senior year and
planned pretty much the whole year on how to get out and be on her own. She
got her own apartment and was doing okay until she let her boyfriend move in
with her. A few months later he decided to go back to his former girlfriend and
he took a bunch of my daughter's stuff with him. I wanted to charge him with
robbery, but she was 18 and it was her stuff and she didn't want to.


As far as the text to her sister, Ella was just the first one Becca missed. She
will miss the rest of you but it could take a little longer. Or it will just take
longer for her to admit that she misses you.
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Old 01-03-19, 06:40 PM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Well semi positive news: Ella texted me to say that Becca is in school today and that she told her she was the only person that she missed. Basically she misses her sister and to hell with the rest of us. That really stung.
I moved out at 17 my junior year of high school and became a thriving adult. Even though it's hard, it sounds like she needed to get out for her own sanity & to have some control in her own life. It's easy for me to say this to you, as I'm not the one going through it, but you're going to have to give up control, give up worry and getting answers. This is about her & really she needs to do this for herself. If you raised her to be an intelligent human, she will figure these things out on her own. It's best she moved out. One day you'll feel better about this. My mom & I have the closest relationship we've ever had and we've gone a few years without talking. Just give this time & she'll come back around---but you've got to lovingly "let go."
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Old 01-04-19, 05:06 AM
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Re: She left

I understand what you mean. If this was just a situation of her moving out that would be one thing but she was and is a drug addict alcoholic and moved out to party and do those things more. She went to rehab and has been in sober living and we have helped her out. We have helped her with her basic needs and rent. This was not an issue of a kid wanting to be independent because she moved out and went to become dependent on another person. So with that choice and the current choices she hasnt been an independent
17 year old who wanted to spread her wings and fly.
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I moved out at 17 my junior year of high school and became a thriving adult. Even though it's hard, it sounds like she needed to get out for her own sanity & to have some control in her own life. It's easy for me to say this to you, as I'm not the one going through it, but you're going to have to give up control, give up worry and getting answers. This is about her & really she needs to do this for herself. If you raised her to be an intelligent human, she will figure these things out on her own. It's best she moved out. One day you'll feel better about this. My mom & I have the closest relationship we've ever had and we've gone a few years without talking. Just give this time & she'll come back around---but you've got to lovingly "let go."
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Old 01-11-19, 01:48 PM
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Re: She left

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Originally Posted by Di9989 View Post
I moved out at 17 my junior year of high school and became a thriving adult. Even though it's hard, it sounds like she needed to get out for her own sanity & to have some control in her own life. It's easy for me to say this to you, as I'm not the one going through it, but you're going to have to give up control, give up worry and getting answers. This is about her & really she needs to do this for herself. If you raised her to be an intelligent human, she will figure these things out on her own. It's best she moved out. One day you'll feel better about this. My mom & I have the closest relationship we've ever had and we've gone a few years without talking. Just give this time & she'll come back around---but you've got to lovingly "let go."
Before you moved out id you break every rule your parents laid down? That's what Sarah dealt with, and apparently it's my turn. My 16 year old knows ALL.
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Old 03-28-18, 08:44 AM
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Re: She left

Teenagers are notorious for thinking they are an adult and don't need anyone or anything, especially their parents.

As long as she is going to school, and her dr. appointments, and taking her meds, I would let it go for now. If she proves she isn't being a responsible adult then I'd go repossess her car.

I left at 17, but I always knew I had a safe place to land if things got rough. I did not get money from my mom, cell phones didn't exist, but she did pay my car insurance for my 1986 Delta 88 that she gave me. I worked three jobs, it was rough, but it was needed. i didn't really consider myself an adult until I was about 26.

She will be fine, she needs to learn. Watch her fail and then be there for her. However, as long as she is behaving like an adult i wouldn't take the car.
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Old 03-28-18, 08:59 AM
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Re: She left

Justice a quick line because I'm at work but just wanted to very quickly say that you are still (or maybe especially now) my parenting hero and I adopt a lot of ideas from you (or will In the future). I don't think you did anything that made Becca left. I mean I don't think you did anything wrong and the way you are handling it now (without drama or guilt tripping) is amazing.

Glad she's still going to school and in touch with her sister. Don't let her words get to you. Teenagers don't always think straight or clearly. She might just miss her sister now in the moment but that doesn't mean she doesn't care for all of you. Also, she probably knows her sister will tell you what she said so maybe she wanted it to sting a bit...

But yeah, you.. parenting hero. It's a difficult painful situation but you are still a great parent.
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Old 03-29-18, 02:00 PM
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Re: She left

Time to update:
So she went to school yesterday and told her sister that she was the only one that she missed which was a dig at me cause my Ella bean is a good egg and told me she was at school. The counselor met with her and boy do I love her! I also know her from AA so that helps. She told Becca that she was being selfish and immature, That gratitude was an action word and not a feeling and asked her if this is the way to show gratitude for the privledges she has. She pretty much got her to admit she is staying with the friend I thought she was with from a friday night sleepover. I cant even begin to describe the anger I have towards this friend's mother but I will have to deal with that part when this is all over.

She hasnt answered any texts, she didnt show up to her sister's concert. Today I get a call that she wasnt at school so I called the counselor. Its now time to play hard ball. We only have one key to the car (which is in my name). We actually went to Lowes Sat to make copies of keys but she was at work. Counselor and I agreed that I was going to have the car towed to my house. its time to inconveinece her. I asked the counselor to see if she could find out when Becca works next to avoid any drama at the friends house and GUESS WHAT? The counselor called and she quit! She quit her job. I dont know if she got a better one elsewhere because she has been through 3 jobs now. I cant even believe how erratic she is being and it makes me think there is more than weed going on. I know the girls apartment number and I have a friend coming to take me over there to scope out the place and figure out where the car is if its there, and find out if she is home there or not.
I plan on going back with my husband and calling AAA and telling them I only have one key and its lost and I need it towed to my house.

I despise lying but I cant figure out another way to get them to tow a working car. I want to try and do it without her knowing because a- impact will be better and b- I dont want drama.
Since she doesnt know my friends car we are going to go over and assess the situation.

EDIT: Well we went over and the car was there. Have to talk to husband when he comes home. The counselor suggested we could knock on the door and talk to the mother and emphasize her mental health issues but I am so angry that another mother would harbor MY daughter and not see something wrong with that- Im afraid there would be a confrontation and not only would it get ugly, I would be demonstrating behavior that I DONT want her to emulate.

I'll update soon.....
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Old 03-29-18, 02:46 PM
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Re: She left

I can only guess how hard this is for you, but as I was putting together dinner
in the crockpot I was thinking of all the posts I see on facebook for kids who
have decided to run away. Small comfort at the moment, but at least you know
where Becca is and that she's safe.
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Old 03-29-18, 03:21 PM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Time to update:
So she went to school yesterday and told her sister that she was the only one that she missed which was a dig at me cause my Ella bean is a good egg and told me she was at school. The counselor met with her and boy do I love her! I also know her from AA so that helps. She told Becca that she was being selfish and immature, That gratitude was an action word and not a feeling and asked her if this is the way to show gratitude for the privledges she has. She pretty much got her to admit she is staying with the friend I thought she was with from a friday night sleepover. I cant even begin to describe the anger I have towards this friend's mother but I will have to deal with that part when this is all over.

She hasnt answered any texts, she didnt show up to her sister's concert. Today I get a call that she wasnt at school so I called the counselor. Its now time to play hard ball. We only have one key to the car (which is in my name). We actually went to Lowes Sat to make copies of keys but she was at work. Counselor and I agreed that I was going to have the car towed to my house. its time to inconveinece her. I asked the counselor to see if she could find out when Becca works next to avoid any drama at the friends house and GUESS WHAT? The counselor called and she quit! She quit her job. I dont know if she got a better one elsewhere because she has been through 3 jobs now. I cant even believe how erratic she is being and it makes me think there is more than weed going on. I know the girls apartment number and I have a friend coming to take me over there to scope out the place and figure out where the car is if its there, and find out if she is home there or not.
I plan on going back with my husband and calling AAA and telling them I only have one key and its lost and I need it towed to my house.

I despise lying but I cant figure out another way to get them to tow a working car. I want to try and do it without her knowing because a- impact will be better and b- I dont want drama.
Since she doesnt know my friends car we are going to go over and assess the situation.

EDIT: Well we went over and the car was there. Have to talk to husband when he comes home. The counselor suggested we could knock on the door and talk to the mother and emphasize her mental health issues but I am so angry that another mother would harbor MY daughter and not see something wrong with that- Im afraid there would be a confrontation and not only would it get ugly, I would be demonstrating behavior that I DONT want her to emulate.

I'll update soon.....
Have you towed the car? That sounds like a good idea.

I wonder if she told her friend's mom that she's staying at their place with your knowledge and approval. The mom might not know that there's anything wrong.
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Old 03-30-18, 07:14 AM
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Re: She left

Oh I think the mom knows something is wrong, but i'd like everyone to take a moment and be in that mom's shoes.

You know Becca has issues. You know Becca doesn't want to be at home. She has asked to stay with you....do you tell the troubled girl no? Do you say sorry, mom code, can't harbor you? or do you say, sure dear, this is a safe place for you to stay while you work out the stuff in your head.

All I'm saying is let's not crucify the mom. But yes, I agree, time to play hardball. She isn't acting like an adult, she doesn't get to pretend to be one. Cut her data off on the cell phone, and take the car.
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Old 03-30-18, 08:04 AM
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Re: She left

Also...you will need to disable or block the car. Something more complicated than a disconnected battery, or she will use the key and take it. I would also be honest with the tow truck person. That way if Becca puts up a stink they are prepared and can just tell her to move along.
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Old 03-30-18, 08:18 AM
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Re: She left

Well last night went horrible.We found the car and called the tow company and then she comes out at 10pm with her crew (4 girls) so husband blocked her car in. They jump into someone else's car (she got in the drivers seat) and husband put himself in the door and demanded the keys to the car. He told her she could do it that way or we could report it stolen. She got out and went into the apartment and came out with the keys. We asked her what was going on and the monster came out. F this and F that. Her friends were yelling and cursing too. My brother was there to drive the car back and he asked her why she was acting like this, She was so cold. I swear she looked high. She quit her job and had missed school again. I told her she was in danger of not graduating and she said that wasn't true.

She got back in the drivers seat of this other car and I made her roll the window down. She said " our house is not healthy for me mentally" I couldnt believe it! We have rules and this mother was letting a car full of teenagers go out at 10 on a school night. I called her out on her drugs and alcohol and she had the nerve to look indignant. The whole car was full of smokers, they were all smoking which means the mom allows this too. Her friends kept telling her to go-go-go that they were her family now and that she should change her mailing address. I honestly was shocked. Her Dad is devastated. We had to move or else she would have backed into me and they left.

I went and knocked on the door and the mom came to the window. I asked if she knew that Becca ran away in the middle of the night and she said "I told her not to do it that way" I told her that she had mental health issues and the mother said she was safe there.I told her that she seemed to have drug and alcohol issues and she said "obviously" which leads me to believe she is allowing alcohol and weed to be used. I said" mother to mother I beg you, please tell her she cant stay here.Please tell her to leave" The mother said "would she come home or go to the streets?" Becca would have no clue how to live on the streets. She said she wouldnt put her out, she couldnt do that. I begged her. I said I didnt know what tale she was telling them and she said Becca didnt say anything bad about us.So WTF? why is she letting her stay there then, she is not in danger at home. She had no answer except to say that she would encourage her to go home but refused to make her leave. She doesnt care what the girls are up to and doesnt care whether she goes to school.

This wasnt my daughter. This was an empty intoxicated shell of a daughter that has some adult co-signing her bull sh*t. I am helpless. I think the next step is to turn off the phone. Im scared because what if she has to get in touch with me but I am paying for it not her. I know she likes it there because she can do whatever she wants and there is nothing I can do about it. Its Spring break now and the school counselor and resource officer are not available til the break is over.

We are trying to figure out a way to get her back. Her brother is mad, her sister is sad, her dad is devastated. I fainted as she drove away and my brother caught me. I was just overcome with emotions.

I have no idea what to do. What if she never comes home?
She is so selfish that I am disgusted with her.
I am so sad now. She has a tight loving family and I do not know where this came from.
That letter was a lie cause she wont answer anyone.
So thats about it.
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Old 03-30-18, 11:21 AM
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Re: She left

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I have no idea what to do. What if she never comes home?
She is so selfish that I am disgusted with her.
I am so sad now. She has a tight loving family and I do not know where this came from.
That letter was a lie cause she wont answer anyone.
So thats about it.
That's really rough, I'm sorry. While the behavior seems out of the blue, it had to come from somewhere (ex. drugs, psychosis, psych issues, severe adjustment issues, etc), but right now it might be hard to pinpoint exactly. Top priority for now is making sure she is safe before doing Monday morning quarterbacking.

I think the other mom is doing her best. I disagree with her choice, but I can see where she's coming from. Of course, it's not optimal for high schoolers to be running away from home, taking drugs, and going partying during school nights. But sometimes that could be better than the alternative of the kid running away to another town and being dragged into human trafficking ring, doing hard drugs, or the kid committing suicide. I don't think the other mom is rooting for the children to be engaging in this disappointing behavior. For various reasons, she might have found herself in a bad situation, and currently is just trying her best to keep everything from falling apart further.

18 year olds can't be legislated into loving the parent. The parents should always be there to offer an appropriate amount of financial support, but that should come with reasonable rules/conditions attached. Becca broke those rules, so what should be the consequence?

If I were in Becca's shoes, I would want my parents to ask me what my long term goals were, and what appropriate role I thought my parents should play in helping me reach the goal. It seems that her current life goal is to spite the parents. Okay, so mission accomplished? Now what is she going to do with the rest of her life?
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