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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 05-12-20, 07:30 AM
Placido Placido is offline
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Troublesome relationship issues

I would like to find a way forward in my life. My wife for 15 years or so gets annoyed at things I do or don't do multiple times every day. I don't know how to deal with it. It has become increasingly more difficult as time has moved on. I find myself feeling as if I am being mentally abused by her, but I question my own interpretation of reality so I cannot be sure. My wife claims that her anger is righteous and that she only gets angry because I keep messing up. Due to childhood traumas I easily get into a state of terror in which I cannot thing or act straight. Oftentimes I wait it out and try not to engage in any discussion with my wife when this happens. Often when she gets really upset with me she tells me how hard her life is because of me. She feels that she has to keep track of me, so that I don't do anything foolish. When she "catches" me (perhaps I have put on a shirt that is reserved for work use only, or I have cleaned pots in the garden and left them to dry in the sun in an area where there is cat poop so that she feels she has to wash all the pots again, this time with washing-up liquid, or bought food supplements online without consulting her first, or ordered some books online without consulting with her first, or talked in the phone with some important person such as our children's principle and said stuff that she doesn't approve of because it could be interpreted as something negative regarding our family, or I have done some weeding and accidentally uprooted flowers that really are weed but that our daughter likes and would like to keep, or I have used indoor clothes in the garden or vice versa) after having done someting she doesn't approve of she often gets very upset, enraged even and blames herself for not having me under surveillance so she could have stopped me beforehand. She also talks to herself in monologes when things happen, seemingly talking to me but getting very angry if I try to say something in responce to her views (she doesn't like to get interrupted, and wants me to be quiet until she is done talking but seldom we engage in any real discussion about what has happened but rather it all ends up just in some kind of finding that our situation is hopeless and she will never ever be happy again because of how I have affected her life and keeps affecting it). Sometimes I respond by saying that things are so bad between us that it would probably be better to get a divorce. Then she claims that this is a way for me to try to silence her and not really take in how my behaviour affects her (and lately also as she states the kids). She wants me to understand the harmfulness of my actions (and lack of, as she states, empathy and affection towards members of my family) and she seems to want me to, after having understood in deapths, change my ways as to not hurt hur any more. But I really don't understand why she gets into these states of bitterness, anger, sadness and (as I experience it) contempt towards my every attempt to act somehow in my own right. When reading about abusive relationships I feel as if I am in one and that the one being abusive is my wife. So I question my experience and try to find ways to cope (meditation has helped) and try to endure the situation without starting to feel despair, hopelessness, anger, resentment and frustration. Sometimes when I try to talk openly to my wife about how I feel and experience things I get the feeling she doesn't approve but rather becomes sad, frustrated and disappointed at the way I seem to be wired.


An interesting thing is that I feel that I am somehow betraying my wife by posting this, going behind her back in some way. I wonder why I feel like this? She often claims that I all to often am doing things "behind her back". Sometimes it makes me feel as if I am obliged to report everything I do to her, as to not invoke the feeling in her that I have acted without her rightful knowledge). Of course this creates a sense of not being trusted to make informed (or at least not completely senseless) decisions in my everyday life. It becomes something of a mother-child relationship which really is a major turnoff for me...


It is as if I am not an adult in her eyes, but rather a disabled person that needs constant looking after, which induces a righteous feeling of loneliness, bitterness and resentment within her. Out of this comes perhaps the actions from her side that I interpret and experience as verbal abuse and raw attacks on me as a human being?



If I were to tell her she would most likely tell me that this is all due to my paranoia and has nothing to do with reality. It is something about "sharing" things this I suppose also includes informing your spouce when you are in the process of for example order books or food supplements? Could be that I need to learn more about how a normal person is supposed to act when around other normal people?



Perhaps it is all in my head and the solution lies within me and when I find the proper way my wife will also be more happy?


I can see a couple of reasons for why things get so nasty:

1) I have ADHD and don't understand what she wants from me
2) She has needs of intimacy that I cannot (or don't want to?) give her

3) She is being abusive towards me in the way she talks to me and describes me when she is angry (putting me down, every time reminding me of how I never get i right and claiming that I do things to defy her as if everything I do revolves around her and what she wants)

4) I am afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing", because I can't handle it when she reacts as if I have offended her personally or trampled upon something that is sacred to her (sometimes she reacts as if I am a psychopath with views that are utterly immoral and unacceptable, exclaiming "Who ARE you??!!", with a look full of disdain)
5) I feel that she is overly sensitive regarding certain issues such as cleanliness (could be that I just don't get it and that her way is the proper way)
6) I feel as if she is trying to "get me" (even if she probably isn't, at least not all the time) and I cannot relax out of fear of the next time I screw up.


Any thoughts on how I could try to resolve this situation? And hopefully make life easier also for my family?
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Old 05-15-20, 04:31 AM
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Re: Troublesome relationship issues

Please read this link, its one of the best articles I have ever read on emotional abuse.

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
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Old 06-04-20, 06:30 PM
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Re: Troublesome relationship issues

I think you guys need couples therapy and the therapist must absolutely be an expert with adhd.

Your personalities and weaknesses are not very compatible with one another. You may improve in some areas but with adhd, the odds are you will always have the habits that annoy her so much and so she either has to accept it or move on.

I do think she's abusing you but nearly every relationship I've ever seen that is dysfunctional becomes abusive to the same amount as yours. So it's terrible and needs to be changed. But it's not unforgivable if she can be convinced that that is what she is doing, she feels remorse, and tries to change.
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Old 06-04-20, 09:25 PM
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Re: Troublesome relationship issues

Hello, Placido. This relationship is a mess, and it's not all your fault.

No, she doesn't have to keep you from doing foolish things. She's not your
mom. And good mom's let their kids mess up so they learn from mistakes.

No, you shouldn't have to check with her before you do anything or buy
anything unless you have set a precedent by spending too much on things,
leaving you short on money for needed things. Maybe agree on a spending
limit and only check with each other when spending a large amount of money.

It sounds like she thinks you should know what she wants you to do, or what
she doesn't want you to do, without her telling you. That is not reasonable.
Even if she were married to someone without adhd, it sounds like she doesn't
communicate well and no one would be able to simply know what she wants
or how she wants things done.

The fact that she won't allow you to discuss things with her, and try to find a
solution, rather than just listening while she rants and blames you for every-
thing is a BIG red flag.

You would probably benefit from therapy to help you understand that you are
not the worst person in the whole world. She would certainly benefit from
therapy. And those might be necessary to do before couple's therapy would
even work. I'm so sorry you are living in this horrible situation.
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Old 06-04-20, 09:43 PM
Monox D. I-Fly Monox D. I-Fly is offline
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Re: Troublesome relationship issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
It sounds like she thinks you should know what she wants you to do, or what
she doesn't want you to do, without her telling you. That is not reasonable.
Even if she were married to someone without adhd, it sounds like she doesn't
communicate well and no one would be able to simply know what she wants
or how she wants things done.

Ah, it reminds me to the first girl who ever confessed that she had a crush on me. Its this very thing that made us never got together. Unfortunately, nowadays people seem to justify that it's "just being a girl". Combined with "women can never be wrong" mindset, those make a lockdown combo for several males. Not all girls are like that, though.
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Old 07-04-20, 07:28 PM
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Re: Troublesome relationship issues

Dear Placido,


this is my first post in this forum and I decided to respond to you, because I feel very impressed by your very thorough analysis of your situation. One sentence you wrote particularly caught my attention:


"Perhaps it is all in my head and the solution lies within me and when I find the proper way my wife will also be more happy?"


Given how profoundly you have reflected on all aspects of the problem and how much you are even willing to assume responsibility for it, I am really pretty sure that this is NOT all in your head. BUT, even if it was, it wouln´t change the fact that you are suffering and this definitely needs to change! It would surely be good if you could speak to a therapist and get help to get out of this situation. I wish you all the best!
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