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Old 10-03-14, 06:10 AM
Pagath Pagath is offline
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Long story...do I have ADD?

Hello! My name is Peter and I'm 20yr old guy from Eastern Europe. Right now I am living for a next couple of months.... well until summer of 2015 in Toronto and I'd like to just share my story and maybe you guys could give my some opinions about my ****** up life. I stumbled upon ADD screening diagnosis test just a week ago and since then...heh well as I read here, it's pretty obvious to you Guys what happened to me. I got interested (obssesed) into this and hyperfocused (first time that I use that word never heard it before like 3 days ago ) technically I live by studying adhd/add, origins, famous people who have it , symptoms, and tracing my memories back to my childhood. I don't know if anybody will have time to read this not very grammatically correct and messed up and long story but if yes I'll be very grateful for any opinions about me. I'm not native speaker please keep that in mind if you'll read some ******** that doesn't make sense

So first of all....
I never thought that I had ADD. Or any other Disorder. Why would my mom think that there's something wrong with me, every intelligence test, I that I was doing my whole life ended up so much higher above average, I always had older friends than me I couldn't get along with friends my age very much and
As a little kid until age of 9 I was pure A marks student (well that may not mean so much but I was always described as smart kid by everyone who met me back then) and I always kept saying very deep stuff that made people laugh because heh...sou Before that when I was just a little baby I was quiet, always smiling little fellow (my mom and relatives describe me as that) and I was really not a problem baby.
When I turned 9 **** started to happen. Marks got very average from one day to another and I started to be sometimes angry, sometimes mad, and daydreaming came into my life on daily basis. In a next two years parents tried to help me (gotta be Honest it was just mom dad wasn't around too much at that time) and marks got stable, but I became a bully and please do not judge me for that even tho it's horrible and I do realize that, I was a kid growing up in a group of kids where were rules and you could choose to be a strong guy or a weak guy, easy choice for me at that age. Hiding my fears behind my ego which was growing I started to pick up the "weak ones" (I feel pretty bad about this time of my life I know I was a kid but I can remember some nasty **** I did and I do regret that a lot) and mom was coming to school almost every two weeks because of something I said or did.

My parents weren't very happy about this (obviously) so they came up with basic punishments as no TV and no going outs (we are talking about age 11) which resulted into me locking myself up in my room and getting deeper and deeper inside my head I can't explain that but I remember at that time that I was already "flying". What I did was that I could stare at wall, imagine random **** Whole day. Different times, places, worlds and persons I was imagining myself in situations that made me feel good and I could live a world inside my head. You can't imagine that, maybe you can but I was so out of everyplace I went to with my parents and my dad kept reminding me of the fact that I should start living more here and now instead of going "out".

When I was eleven my dad moved out of our place. They got divorced very quietly, I remember one argument from childhood so far. Reason my mom told me few days ago (I asked after 9 years). Dad was not caring about little things that mattered to my mom so much, he loved her and us but he kept picking up very time consuming dangerous hobbies( off-road, white water, downhill biking, skiing) and even when my mom told him many times he couldn't stop. He wasn't there when he was needed and when he was..he was nervous about something and because he couldn't do what he was driven to do. God I understand now and I wish they would see behind all this...He just couldn't and I can understand why, I never blamed him because since he left I remember almost every time I was with him and my little sister somewhere he was very very caring and he seemed to regret that it ended up this way and I kept in touch with him and...well he is just great dad and I'm glad that even after divorce it ended up for us as for kids good.

When dad left more **** started to happen.
Age of 12
Dermatophagia
Do you know that word? Again something that we just call skin picking, it's a disorder now (welcome to 2014 I wonder how is farting too often called probably some fartingphagia) and since age of 12 my fingers were NEVER fully healed. Right now I pulled out a finger out of my mouth and no I'm not gonna send pictures it's disgusting. 8 years and countless attempts to stop (I was trying to put my fingers into salted water at one point some great idea from my dad too bad it didn't help, ouch) I just can't. When I really really focus I don't do it But I shake my legs or drum on the table with my fingers ( idk how do you call it) but still I have to do something.

Since 12 I'm not going to be so detailing as up there you should just know the most important things:
1. Skin picking
2. 284485739 hobbies in 8 years I think astronaut (I actually wanna try it) is the only thing I haven't tried yet but still I am not good at anything I just pick it up hold onto it for a month and let it go because it's just not entertaining for me after some time.
3. Anxiety and depressions around 15-16 and curing these by alcohol and weed since then
4. Can't fall asleep at night I lay down and still my mind goes phew somewhere else (thank god for weed this helped me a lot)
5. Barely passed graduation and I do believe it happened only because my teachers knew that I am not stupid they just thought that I am lazy and I did believe that until few weeks ago (except for English I had best graduation test from English at school God knows why I can learn language so easy and yes this thing that you are reading is best level that you can get in our high schools..welcome to Eastern Europe. )
6. Suicidal thoughts of course...I was a huge failure..my mom loved me and gave me everything i wanted, supported me in every hobby I started and I never really made her proud (this sentence actually almost made me cry when i wrote it because she deserves so much more than any person I know). Right now I am here in Canada just because my mom helped me financially even I had like half the money but...from other relatives. Anyways never committed it just holded a knife placed at my first for a couple of minutes after some fly went by and suddenly I changed my mind I guess I never really had guts to do it.
7. Gambling since i was 18 oh yeah Texas hold 'em if anybody knows this term I could bet all my **** on seven deuce preflop against guy who went all in (if you don't know anything about it that's pretty retarded move if you know a little about poker like filling 5 bullets into 6 bullet revolver and smiling and pulling the trigger whe it's aimed at yourself) and those 10 seconds until river turned...God yes....that feeling. ..I ended up losing more than I was earning and I put a stop to that just because we went to Canada and on a 8 hours flight from Frankfurt to Toronto I told my girlfriend she can never let me into casino again she laughed but I am very serious about this.
8. Mood changes every day, obsessions about random stuff I like for a couple of days, it's like...rap was the last thing...I picked up rap. Read a book about it in one night. I know Eminems life story and interviews and views from other persons in his life and albums from A to Z same with other famous dudes Macklemore, Kanye etc...I learned how the rhyme works. How to bend words, how to make more than ABAB rhymes and I wrote something, I recorded something and gf liked it and friends liked it and random ppl liked it and....all of this happened in 2 weeks. 2 weeks with very little sleep, with lot of caffeine and weed and I was rapper (****ty one ofc) for two weeks. I lived with it, I became obsessed. Then I woke up one morning I took all of my amd deleted all of my records and I dropped it again. my gf thinks I am a kid because I keep doing this since we were together (almost 2 yrs) and after I threw away rap I am right now looking at my numark mixtrack pro 2, yes. It's a dj controller so you can ask me anything about this **** I now everything but just theoretically ofc I can't do anything real.
9. At the age of 19 I started working with a company where you were dealing portions of other companies and gold and commodities over the phone ( I don't know how do you call it totally the same **** as wolf on the Wall Street). Anyways I was excelling. Best from all the people who were hired along with me. Earned lotta money. They didn't get it why I was leaving I swear my manager was begging me to stay few more weeks and he tried to motivate me but I just couldn't. Selling to people over the phone? Hell yeah. Sadly that was 2 hours of 8 hours in that job.. 6 hours were going throught the phone list trying to send someone your business card...very repetitive and very boring and money couldn't motivate me. Btw all of those ppl were doing cocaine at that time I didn't feel like I needed it (got very very close to trying it actually thank god that dealer was not available last time I got drunk with my junkie friend)


And why did I started to look for this? Well I started to feel like I am going to be nobody in next 20 years. Few of my hobbies...I talked few of my friends into it...they started with me and right now they are capable of doing something at pretty decent level if not mastering it (my friend guitar other friend drawing etc) but I am skill-less and I do feel like I WANT to stick with something for example..my best friend Mark...when other people talk about him he is the guy with guitar...I am the guy who doesn't know what to do and i suck at everything (only thing I am confident about is sex but I don't think it will be appreciated by more than few girls in next few years..I am very faithful but my girlfriend likes to explore new areas when she's drunk thank god for those FFM threesomes!)

So why do I thing I have add...
A) I just can't stick with one hobby
B) Dermatophagia (main reasons are ADD or OCD and I am very sure it's not ocd you should see my room)
C) I can't stop thinking and I have very hard time focusing on stuff that I don't really REALLY like
D) There's is something inside me and I feel like it makes me just do stuff very randomly and the only time it stops is when i am high. Like some itch or something I can't describe that feeling it's just there and at some times It makes me feel like my head is gonna explode
E) From what my mom told me my dad looks like he had it and as I read is very commonly heritaged disorder
F) Screening test are telling me to go and see specialist


I know this is long and maybe boring but if somebody will find a time to read this whole story I am very thankful.

TL; DR : unicorns!
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Old 10-04-14, 04:46 AM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

Honestly what you describe sounds a hell of a lot more like anxiety then adhd. The skin picking and feeling that you HAVE to do something does sound ocd like. You don't have to have a clean room or rigorous cleaning idiosyncrasies to be considered ocd. A lot of ocd people are extremely anxiety filled people who try and keep in control whatever they think they can. Especially since you've al ready mentioned the anxiety. It sounds like you need to see a psyche doctor asap.
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Old 10-04-14, 07:56 AM
Pagath Pagath is offline
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

Ye I'm going to get an appointment. I guess I'm not gonna pretend to know what do I have because I really don't and I am not a doctor.
Thank you very much for your reply I appreciate it.
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Old 10-07-14, 07:32 PM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

IF you had ADHD and were to give yourself self diagnosis would you categorize yourself as inattentive or hyperactive.

Talk to your psych if you have one or your GP. They can offer better medical perspectives/advice as well as an official diagnosis than we can on a forum
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Old 10-08-14, 06:26 PM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

My first thought is you're showing symptoms of Bipolar Disorder with a comorbid anxiety disorder. That's my opinion. The ups and downs (suicidal thoughts) and mood changes you express indicate this.

ADHD and Bipolar can be similar in appearance. Remember, Bipolar trumps ADHD in terms of seriousness and what should be addressed first.

Talk with a specialist about what's going on.
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Old 10-08-14, 06:42 PM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

By the way, jettison the booze and weed.

If you do have BPD, you're just making it worse. Also keep in mind that if you are diagnosed with BPD or ADHD, or some other mental disorder, the meds you'll need to take will not mix well with alcohol and weed.

Just a suggestion.
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Old 10-09-14, 01:01 AM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

Skin picking? I had the habit of scratching myself and tearing the skin, some days i even used cutting tools to dig a hole so I can peel. Im not sure if that's what you mean but I just enjoy doing it, but often when questioned about the scars im too embarrassed to admit it's self inflicted.
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Old 10-09-14, 02:45 AM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

It seems that you really need to see a psyche doctor. Its a plus if that doctor speaks your native language so you can tell exactly what you feel and will understand you clearly. Thus, will help him/ her greatly (i think) in giving proper diagnosis.

I hope you have a better picture of your condition very soon and be cured accordingly.

Lastly, mixing medication/drugs with liquor is not a good idea. Bad for your health and much much worst.. complicate your condition..
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Old 10-10-14, 04:58 PM
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Re: Long story...do I have ADD?

I agree with the other posters that your situation is hard to pin down. However, your dad sure seemed to behave in a way consistent with hyperactive/impulsive ADHD.
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