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Old 03-15-14, 05:42 AM
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I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

I'm such a mess right now...and as of late I often wonder what's the point? Does it ever get better? Does it ever get easier? Is there hope?

I was diagnosed 2 or 3 months ago (not sure exactly how long it's been. I have a hard time judging how much time has gone by).
I was put on 10mg Adderall 3x a day.
I really didn't notice much from it and was quite disappointed in it. It never really gave me the focus I was hoping for, or any sort of clarity or anything really.
It was bumped up to 15mg 3x a day...now I feel it once in awhile, and do notice it working a bit. I've tried 30mg 3 or 4 times...and when I take 30mg, I can definitely feel the difference. Day and night. And it feels great. I may ask to be bumped up to 20mg 3x a day on my next visit with the doc.

But I don't know. Things are such a blur...I think Adderall has either induced depression...or it has uncovered it.
The only time I feel happy anymore is when I can feel the adderall having an effect on me. I feel it sometimes at 15mg, but not always. I do always feel it at 30mg and am very interested in seeing how 20mg 3x a day would do. The rest of the time I feel so "bleh". Just a bunch of emptiness tinged with sorrow.
There's only 1 thing in the last month I've been focused on that seems to be getting me through (hyper focusing on a card game...meh I know I'm a dork). It's the only thing I really care about anymore.
And I've become so withdrawn. I use to go to my parents nearly everyday. I only go now maybe once ever 2 or 3 weeks. I just want to be alone all the time. I've even started to avoid going outside during the day so that I can avoid my neighbors.
My parents wanted me to go to dinner with them tonight...so I did. But I was so shut down and bored and sad. I said maybe 2 or 3 words to them the entire time we were out.
My dad wanted to go bowling on Monday...and I felt like I had to, to make him happy. I was so angry about the situation. And I had no fun...no laughing, no smiling, no cheering or teasing. Just a big ball of "blah" and sadness. I had no fun at all and I was in no mood to even pretend for my dad's sake.

And I think it's the Adderall. I think it's making me this way.

And my sleep is a mess. I've had sleeping issues my whole life...but they're flaring up quite bad the last few weeks.
I sleep for 3 or 4 hours then wake up...and even though I'll be extremely exhausted...I wont be able to go back to sleep. Then the next night when I finally pass out/fall asleep, again I'll only get 3 or 4 hours and then will be up again. This will go on for 3 or 4 days straight and I have no idea how I'm able to even function at all with such little sleep.
Then I'll have a day or 2 where I crash and get 9+ hours of sleep each day. But during some of those sleeps...they're miserable and I toss and I turn all night being woken up by nightmares (and night terrors...had night terrors since I was a kid! At least I don't sleep walk anymore). I have sleep apnea and I think I'm getting so freaking exhausted that I go into a really deep sleep which is causing me to stop breathing...which is why I wake up in terror thinking my heart's going to explode. It pumps so hard and so fast!
It's all so miserable and aggravating.

And my dad's sick. He had a major heart attack months ago and his heart if failing him. He feels sick and has expressed to my mom that he feels like he's going to die soon.
And I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't lose my ******* dad. I just can't and I don't know what to do.

And I'm just left wondering...where's my happy ending? I found these forums somewhere around December and I felt so freaking excited to discover that I have ADHD-PI. I've gone so many years wondering WTF was wrong with me, with therapists being absolutely as clueless as I was. I thought that FINALLY I could get my life under control. I spent much time on these forums just so excited. This place seriously gave me a natural high because I was so excited about it all. I finally found a place where I belonged! So many unanswered questions finally found those answers.
And then Adderall. And I had such high hopes. I thought it would make me feel better. Help me feel more focused and productive and everything would all the sudden make sense and I'd finally get over myself and become productive and happy and more active in my life.

But I've only made quite the mess of myself over the last months.
I'm depressed, I'm withdrawn, my paranoia I use to deal with has been coming out here and there (sleep deprivation is a killer).
I also lost 2 or 3 weeks somewhere in there. I just woke up into my life one day and realized I had zero recollection of where I had been, who I was, or what I'd done for the last 2 or 3 weeks. It's just a big massive hole. Blank. Nothing new...but it's always f'ing frustrating when it happens (I do have a current diagnosis for Dissociative Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified).

...And I'm not sure where to go from here.
I haven't talked to anyone about anything for weeks now. I use to go to a weekly support group my therapist runs...but I stopped going because I've so strongly been wanting to just be alone all the time. I also haven't seen her 1on1 in quite a long time as I feel like there's just very little she can offer me anymore (plus I think she's getting sick of me)...that being said, I did finally call and make an appointment with her for next week. I also see my doc about my Adderall in a couple of weeks.
I don't know if I should ask for an increase...stay where I am...or try something new. I want Adderall to work so badly...and when it does work, I really love it. I just feel good on it...I just wish I could feel it more often. It's exhausting feeling good and focused on it 1 day, then feeling nothing from it the next.

I'm lost. I haven't given up all hope...but at this point I'm losing hope. There's so much out of life I want...and yet so much feel so out of reach to me right now. Every time I think my life is coming together...I seem to fall apart. Gah.

I don't know why tonight I decided to post. I haven't been here to post in quite a while .
And I'm sorry about it being such a whinny post. I'm just throwing myself a pity party...so much seems to be bottled up inside me right now, and I just felt I needed to release...even just a tiny bit.

Just a few months ago it felt like I was approaching a happy ending...now that ending feels so distant from me. Far from my reach.

I just want to be normal damn it.
I'm sick of the roller coaster. The highs and the lows and all the loops in between.

Maybe I need some anti-depressants. I just don't know anymore.

...I should delete this post. I'm going to regret posting it. But I did need to release a bit.
Sorry guys
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Old 03-15-14, 05:48 AM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

I didn't get through the entire thing.

But sounds like perhaps Adderall isn't right for you.

Vyvanse did the SAME THING to me

It made me depressed, withdrawn, didn't talk much....

Also,


Sorry you're going through so much

PS - I'd ask the doc for a dose bump first before switching, though. Since you said 30 worked
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Old 03-15-14, 06:19 AM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

I am not a doctor but I am going to play one right now. First I believe you have a secondary sleep disorder other than apnea. Are you being treated for apnea with a cpap machine? Have you had a sleep study done recently? There are other sleep disorders, even comorbid ones that have symptoms like night terrors and sleep walking, and early waking. These are all treatable. If you have DID are you being treated for that? Many people who have DID need psychiatric medication. but once they are on medication their lives suddenly improve. I believe you need something for your depression and isolation. Adderall can cause some of the things you mention, but not to the extent you are talking about. Either way, it sounds like you need a different adhd med, not more of the same one you are on. Have you experienced any trauma in your life? I ask because some people develop a mild form of agoraphobia; sort of like major resistance to leaving the house and socializing because of some known or unknown fears. I am sorry you are going through this. You are NOT defective,useless,unworthy,unlovable,worthless,stu pid,dumb,ugly,or evil. You have very real conditions that can be treated with a lot of love,support and help from a good doctor.
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Old 03-15-14, 06:40 AM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

Psycho

I've been thinking of you. It's good to see you though I'm sorry you aren't doing too well.

I think I'm having somewhat similar experience with dex. I seem to be happy now only after taking my meds. When they wear out I'm a mess. I'm not sure what that is or if i'm just depressed again. Have you discussed this with your pdoc? maybe adderall isn't right for you maybe you need to supplement with an anti depressant.

I'm sorry your dad isn't well. That sucks. It seems like you have a lot going on. Is it possible that maybe you are stressed and depressed but just feel it more off meds?

Please keep posting. I know that feeling of thinking you shouldn't post especially nothing negative but honestly b that's what we are here for.

I've missed you! !!!
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Old 03-15-14, 05:19 PM
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It may be that taking the dose up and down has caused depression. Upstairs may take a week or so to adjust.
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Old 03-15-14, 05:52 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

Hello. I get it...let me say this, I think that playing around with your adderall dosage can cause issues. I do it, so I am speaking from personal observations. I think that mastering a schedule, while on it, is important. You can't take it too late, and understand that the withdrawal symptoms are horrible. Reading you say that the only time you're happy is when you're on them, makes me think you aren't taking them as prescribed. You're going to feel like ***** going off and on them, abruptly. Right now I'm not "on them" because I doubled up, shouldn't have, but did to complete a project. Now I'm suffering.I only have make it to Monday, but I can expect to feel like crap, until then...I totally get you.
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Old 03-15-14, 06:39 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

High - I want to show my respect, support n such but in my current state I'm virtually incapable of any executive function. Luckily my empathy is more than active so hey, for what it's worth - glad to see ya, missed ya
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Old 03-15-14, 08:42 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

Psycho HUUUUUUGS
I think you can figure this out!!! I think people here can give you advice, sarahsweets posted some really great advice! I think you should look into those things. Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. You were missed.

I'm so sorry about your dad, I don't know what to say. So many hugs...

Please don't apologize for feeling sad or disappointed and posting about it. We want to know. We want to help! Please don't delete your post.
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Old 03-15-14, 08:45 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

omb psycho...
missed you here
* returns your thousands of e- hugs*
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Old 03-15-14, 09:09 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

You ever consider if you're searching for that "high" I don't really like to call it that, but I mean that feeling of "ok, let's do everything cause nothing is impossible!". I don't think that's what its suppose to do tbh. I like that too, but I think no matter how high the dose that it'll be something you can't maintain. I'm speaking to myself mostly lol, but maybe you can get something out of it. I didn't read everything you wrote, which is rude of me so I had to confess! I think we both have a problem of thinking too much about what it's "suppose" to do. Instead of what it's "been" doing.

If you're down while you're on it , then I don't think it's the right med for you? But if it's just the come down then that's fairly normal isn't it?
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Old 03-15-14, 09:28 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

(HUG) Things will get better...
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Old 03-16-14, 01:39 AM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

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Old 03-16-14, 06:12 AM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

Psycho. .. how is it going?
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Old 03-16-14, 01:45 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

I've read adderall can cause depression-like symptoms. I'm not sure how common it is, but it's not like it's an unheard of phenomenon.

Anyway, you've always been a beacon of positiveness on the forums. Hope you feel better soon, psycho!
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Old 03-16-14, 06:33 PM
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Re: I'm a mess :(...long pointless vent. /sigh

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I'm such a mess right now...and as of late I often wonder what's the point? Does it ever get better? Does it ever get easier? Is there hope?

I was diagnosed 2 or 3 months ago (not sure exactly how long it's been. I have a hard time judging how much time has gone by).
I was put on 10mg Adderall 3x a day.
I really didn't notice much from it and was quite disappointed in it. It never really gave me the focus I was hoping for, or any sort of clarity or anything really.
It was bumped up to 15mg 3x a day...now I feel it once in awhile, and do notice it working a bit. I've tried 30mg 3 or 4 times...and when I take 30mg, I can definitely feel the difference. Day and night. And it feels great. I may ask to be bumped up to 20mg 3x a day on my next visit with the doc.

But I don't know. Things are such a blur...I think Adderall has either induced depression...or it has uncovered it.
The only time I feel happy anymore is when I can feel the adderall having an effect on me. I feel it sometimes at 15mg, but not always. I do always feel it at 30mg and am very interested in seeing how 20mg 3x a day would do. The rest of the time I feel so "bleh". Just a bunch of emptiness tinged with sorrow.
There's only 1 thing in the last month I've been focused on that seems to be getting me through (hyper focusing on a card game...meh I know I'm a dork). It's the only thing I really care about anymore.
And I've become so withdrawn. I use to go to my parents nearly everyday. I only go now maybe once ever 2 or 3 weeks. I just want to be alone all the time. I've even started to avoid going outside during the day so that I can avoid my neighbors.
My parents wanted me to go to dinner with them tonight...so I did. But I was so shut down and bored and sad. I said maybe 2 or 3 words to them the entire time we were out.
My dad wanted to go bowling on Monday...and I felt like I had to, to make him happy. I was so angry about the situation. And I had no fun...no laughing, no smiling, no cheering or teasing. Just a big ball of "blah" and sadness. I had no fun at all and I was in no mood to even pretend for my dad's sake.

And I think it's the Adderall. I think it's making me this way.

And my sleep is a mess. I've had sleeping issues my whole life...but they're flaring up quite bad the last few weeks.
I sleep for 3 or 4 hours then wake up...and even though I'll be extremely exhausted...I wont be able to go back to sleep. Then the next night when I finally pass out/fall asleep, again I'll only get 3 or 4 hours and then will be up again. This will go on for 3 or 4 days straight and I have no idea how I'm able to even function at all with such little sleep.
Then I'll have a day or 2 where I crash and get 9+ hours of sleep each day. But during some of those sleeps...they're miserable and I toss and I turn all night being woken up by nightmares (and night terrors...had night terrors since I was a kid! At least I don't sleep walk anymore). I have sleep apnea and I think I'm getting so freaking exhausted that I go into a really deep sleep which is causing me to stop breathing...which is why I wake up in terror thinking my heart's going to explode. It pumps so hard and so fast!
It's all so miserable and aggravating.

And my dad's sick. He had a major heart attack months ago and his heart if failing him. He feels sick and has expressed to my mom that he feels like he's going to die soon.
And I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't lose my ******* dad. I just can't and I don't know what to do.

And I'm just left wondering...where's my happy ending? I found these forums somewhere around December and I felt so freaking excited to discover that I have ADHD-PI. I've gone so many years wondering WTF was wrong with me, with therapists being absolutely as clueless as I was. I thought that FINALLY I could get my life under control. I spent much time on these forums just so excited. This place seriously gave me a natural high because I was so excited about it all. I finally found a place where I belonged! So many unanswered questions finally found those answers.
And then Adderall. And I had such high hopes. I thought it would make me feel better. Help me feel more focused and productive and everything would all the sudden make sense and I'd finally get over myself and become productive and happy and more active in my life.

But I've only made quite the mess of myself over the last months.
I'm depressed, I'm withdrawn, my paranoia I use to deal with has been coming out here and there (sleep deprivation is a killer).
I also lost 2 or 3 weeks somewhere in there. I just woke up into my life one day and realized I had zero recollection of where I had been, who I was, or what I'd done for the last 2 or 3 weeks. It's just a big massive hole. Blank. Nothing new...but it's always f'ing frustrating when it happens (I do have a current diagnosis for Dissociative Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified).

...And I'm not sure where to go from here.
I haven't talked to anyone about anything for weeks now. I use to go to a weekly support group my therapist runs...but I stopped going because I've so strongly been wanting to just be alone all the time. I also haven't seen her 1on1 in quite a long time as I feel like there's just very little she can offer me anymore (plus I think she's getting sick of me)...that being said, I did finally call and make an appointment with her for next week. I also see my doc about my Adderall in a couple of weeks.
I don't know if I should ask for an increase...stay where I am...or try something new. I want Adderall to work so badly...and when it does work, I really love it. I just feel good on it...I just wish I could feel it more often. It's exhausting feeling good and focused on it 1 day, then feeling nothing from it the next.

I'm lost. I haven't given up all hope...but at this point I'm losing hope. There's so much out of life I want...and yet so much feel so out of reach to me right now. Every time I think my life is coming together...I seem to fall apart. Gah.

I don't know why tonight I decided to post. I haven't been here to post in quite a while .
And I'm sorry about it being such a whinny post. I'm just throwing myself a pity party...so much seems to be bottled up inside me right now, and I just felt I needed to release...even just a tiny bit.

Just a few months ago it felt like I was approaching a happy ending...now that ending feels so distant from me. Far from my reach.

I just want to be normal damn it.
I'm sick of the roller coaster. The highs and the lows and all the loops in between.

Maybe I need some anti-depressants. I just don't know anymore.

...I should delete this post. I'm going to regret posting it. But I did need to release a bit.
Sorry guys
TWITCHY!!! You're back! (Do you know how you worried me??? Yikes!) Anyway, I'm glad you're here again, but sorry that things have been going poorly.


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