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  #16  
Old 12-06-17, 07:50 PM
NightKnight NightKnight is offline
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Re: End of the line

Hi SurfToLive,

I'm a bit late to the party, but I've been living a similar situation. I've been married for 11 years, and was only diagnosed a few years back.

My wife and I have fought about the same issues revolving around my short-comings for our entire relationship. After the fight, I'd get better for a while, but I'd start slipping back into my old habits, and we'd have a blow-up again a few months later. This kept happening over and over and I couldn't explain to her why I kept doing these things that were bringing us to the edge of divorce.

I started thinking about a medical problem, and after researching ADHD, it hit on all the problems I had. I was diagnosed, started treatment, and started learning everything I could. My wife has been extremely supportive of me, and she's done tons of reading as well. She also attends support group meetings with me. By learning more about ADHD, she is able to take a mental step back from the anger, and approach problems between us more constructively. She's still human, so of course she still gets upset, but it's not as bad as it used to be before we understood about my issues.

TL;DR: Knowledge is key for making things easier. Your partner understanding and having empathy for your issues will make it easier to process that you aren't intentionally trying to repeat your behaviours.
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  #17  
Old 12-07-17, 07:23 AM
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DeClutter DeClutter is offline
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Re: End of the line

Part of being undiagnosed or not accepting the diagnosis is that we cannot explain and understand ourselves, it keeps us trapped in a lot of guilt and low self esteem issues that often only fuel the conflict.

The other part is indeed that our partners perceive us as being careless, unrespectfull, selfish and uncomitted in day to life, not being aware of the uphill battle we are fighting to keep up our attention accross the board.

Many of us have come to a point that relationships ran sour due to AD(H)D, and it can even put you in a position where basically every r/s problem is dumped on you. And in the end all understanding is replaced with judgement and blame, on both sides, partners only end up justifying their own point and stop really listening to eachothers truths.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop them from getting worse.

On my end, things really improved the moment i stopped justifying myself for every bit of criticism that came my way. And listen. It wasn't easy cause the things you hear often are painfull, and screaming for a defense, and sometimes you just don't agree. I stopped justifying myself, i only explained myself after i had carefully listened, without the need to be right or control the discussion.

To reach that point, i first had to really admit to myself that my brain makes me act and feel differently then most people, and that it is only normal that there is so much confusion and misunderstanding on both sides. I am an orange, but everybody expected me to be an apple. And i expected everybody to be an orange like myself.
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  #18  
Old 01-16-19, 11:14 PM
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter View Post
Part of being undiagnosed or not accepting the diagnosis is that we cannot explain and understand ourselves, it keeps us trapped in a lot of guilt and low self esteem issues that often only fuel the conflict.

The other part is indeed that our partners perceive us as being careless, unrespectfull, selfish and uncomitted in day to life, not being aware of the uphill battle we are fighting to keep up our attention accross the board.

Many of us have come to a point that relationships ran sour due to AD(H)D, and it can even put you in a position where basically every r/s problem is dumped on you. And in the end all understanding is replaced with judgement and blame, on both sides, partners only end up justifying their own point and stop really listening to eachothers truths.

Before you can make things better, you have to stop them from getting worse.

On my end, things really improved the moment i stopped justifying myself for every bit of criticism that came my way. And listen. It wasn't easy cause the things you hear often are painfull, and screaming for a defense, and sometimes you just don't agree. I stopped justifying myself, i only explained myself after i had carefully listened, without the need to be right or control the discussion.

To reach that point, i first had to really admit to myself that my brain makes me act and feel differently then most people, and that it is only normal that there is so much confusion and misunderstanding on both sides. I am an orange, but everybody expected me to be an apple. And i expected everybody to be an orange like myself.
I know Iím late responding to this
But this is my exact problem
Iím always justifying myself or making excuses
I need to stop and think before I speak
This is the only real issue when all is said and done
I can not control my mouth. Before I know it Iíve said this and that and turned a simple little thing into WWlll. What can I do to remind myself in that time of stress and anxiety to not speak right away? I know what I have to say or do but before I do that Iíve ruined it with my mouth
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  #19  
Old 01-17-19, 12:49 AM
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by Surf2live View Post
I know I’m late responding to this
But this is my exact problem
I’m always justifying myself or making excuses
I need to stop and think before I speak
This is the only real issue when all is said and done
I can not control my mouth. Before I know it I’ve said this and that and turned a simple little thing into WWlll. What can I do to remind myself in that time of stress and anxiety to not speak right away? I know what I have to say or do but before I do that I’ve ruined it with my mouth

The problem is a simple one. You are letting your thoughts and emotions, which are passing ephemeral things with no real substance, control you as though they are real things that require you to act on them.


I had, and have, the same problem. There's a difference between experiencing anger and realizing "I am angry" and letting it go at that, and being compelled to step into it and act it out because you have no separation, no distance to see what your emotions and thoughts really are, which is to say, insubstantial.


If this makes any sense to you, get the following app on your smart phone: 10% happier. And then start practicing meditation religiously. Yes, some of the content on the app costs money. But there's a lot of free content, guided meditations, that you can try out and see if it's helpful to you.

I can't tell you how helpful it is, or has been for me, with what you've just described. I've read parts of some of your posts in this thread and I realize you have other, big problems, including with your marriage, but mindfulness and meditation have been shown to help greatly with ADHD in other ways than the one I just described as well. It helps you to focus, to stay in the moment, to slow down and deal with reality as it comes, to be present for those you love. And, it works wonders with stress and anxiety, if you practice it when needed.

D.
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Consider others. - Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

Be yourself, and the rest will follow.

Breathing is not optional. - Dr. Raymond Wertheim

What do you care what other people think? - Arline Feynman, to her husband, American physicist Richard P. Feynman

D.

Last edited by Daniel1970; 01-17-19 at 12:52 AM.. Reason: clarification
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  #20  
Old 01-17-19, 03:25 PM
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Re: End of the line

Are you still with your wife and children surf?
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  #21  
Old 01-18-19, 06:18 AM
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by Surf2live View Post
I know Iím late responding to this
But this is my exact problem
Iím always justifying myself or making excuses
I need to stop and think before I speak
This is the only real issue when all is said and done
I can not control my mouth. Before I know it Iíve said this and that and turned a simple little thing into WWlll. What can I do to remind myself in that time of stress and anxiety to not speak right away? I know what I have to say or do but before I do that Iíve ruined it with my mouth
I developed an internal pause button- I literally tell myself to 'hit pause' before I respond when its something intense. I learned that not everything deserves an immediate answer. I am not always good at this but I have gotten better. I also know that I do not owe someone an immediate answer. If someone asks me to do something I am allowed to say "can I think about that and get back to you"?
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  #22  
Old 01-18-19, 08:11 AM
Surf2live Surf2live is offline
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I developed an internal pause button- I literally tell myself to 'hit pause' before I respond when its something intense. I learned that not everything deserves an immediate answer. I am not always good at this but I have gotten better. I also know that I do not owe someone an immediate answer. If someone asks me to do something I am allowed to say "can I think about that and get back to you"?

UnFortunately I just wrote a three page response to your post, but my stupid phone didnít have service and it got deleted basically the same thing as happened two days in a row where Iím confronted with a situation and instead of me stopping and thinking a rattle off reasons for why I did something I know it sounds minor but this is been going on for six years and my wife canít take it anymore, she says sheís developed this anger and rage inside her sheís never had and I see it spill over when she talks to my son, this is killing me how do I learn to stop not say anything in a time of high stress or anxiety
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  #23  
Old 01-18-19, 08:12 AM
Surf2live Surf2live is offline
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
Are you still with your wife and children surf?

Yes, I am but I could sense the end is near, she has given up on giving me chances to do the right thing and made me promise my four-year-old that Iíll do the right thing, failed at that and then the next day the same thing happens again, she says sheís not trying to pick a fight sheís just asking me why am doing something instead of me just stopping for a second I guess were always excuses as to why am doing what Iím doing and why she shouldnít be mad
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  #24  
Old 01-18-19, 08:13 AM
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanielGM1970 View Post
The problem is a simple one. You are letting your thoughts and emotions, which are passing ephemeral things with no real substance, control you as though they are real things that require you to act on them.


I had, and have, the same problem. There's a difference between experiencing anger and realizing "I am angry" and letting it go at that, and being compelled to step into it and act it out because you have no separation, no distance to see what your emotions and thoughts really are, which is to say, insubstantial.


If this makes any sense to you, get the following app on your smart phone: 10% happier. And then start practicing meditation religiously. Yes, some of the content on the app costs money. But there's a lot of free content, guided meditations, that you can try out and see if it's helpful to you.

I can't tell you how helpful it is, or has been for me, with what you've just described. I've read parts of some of your posts in this thread and I realize you have other, big problems, including with your marriage, but mindfulness and meditation have been shown to help greatly with ADHD in other ways than the one I just described as well. It helps you to focus, to stay in the moment, to slow down and deal with reality as it comes, to be present for those you love. And, it works wonders with stress and anxiety, if you practice it when needed.

D.
I actually just learned to do (TM) with my wife, Iím definitely noticing differences but this may be too little too late
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  #25  
Old 01-18-19, 01:53 PM
Surf2live Surf2live is offline
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by Surf2live View Post
Yes, I am but I could sense the end is near, she has given up on giving me chances to do the right thing and made me promise my four-year-old that Iíll do the right thing, failed at that and then the next day the same thing happens again, she says sheís not trying to pick a fight sheís just asking me why am doing something instead of me just stopping for a second to think I immediately start defending myself I canít just stop Iín he moment and realize itís not about me
Edited
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  #26  
Old 01-19-19, 08:17 AM
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Re: End of the line

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I developed an internal pause button- I literally tell myself to 'hit pause' before I respond when its something intense. I learned that not everything deserves an immediate answer. I am not always good at this but I have gotten better. I also know that I do not owe someone an immediate answer. If someone asks me to do something I am allowed to say "can I think about that and get back to you"?
Did you do something to remind yourself?
Iím not the best at remembering especially in times of stress and anxiety
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