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  #31  
Old 11-04-16, 05:37 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
Are you already involved in a church?
In his OP, he wrote...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lloyd_
people who want a traditional monogamous relationship without having to deal with organized religion are screwed!
...so I'm guessing that would be a "no".

Some nonsectarian options may include book clubs, folk dance groups, volunteer work, civic organizations...

Toastmasters might also be a good venue -- both for meeting people, and for improving your self-confidence in speaking. I haven't done it myself, but I know at least 2 people who've spoken well of their experiences.


Lloyd, you've often repeated the idea that most women today are interested primarily in rich, alpha-male bad boys (despite several women on the forum indicating that this is far from universal), and you've suggested that women are shallow (and labeled people who don't share your values about relationships as "degenerate scum").

If this apparent contempt for women and others -- even if it's a defensive reaction to having been spurned and marginalized, or a function of exposure to a heavily skewed subset of the population -- comes through in your real-life interactions, that could certainly be off-putting to some women.

I'm not saying that you need to change your beliefs or values, necessarily -- though I don't think your notion of "what women want" stands up to evidence. But consider that the attitude you project to women may be contrary to the "wholesome guy" image you hold of yourself.

You've mentioned how you feel like you're not interesting and don't have anything to say. Instead of trying to be more interesting or fake a charming/dangerous/alpha persona, you may find you can take some pressure off yourself by showing interest in other people.

Take heart. By definition, the majority of men cannot be "alpha-males". And that's OK with most women!
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  #32  
Old 11-04-16, 05:55 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

To what Namazu said about being "interested " as opposed to "interesting " (excellent advice), I find that's actually easier to manage with my adhd. It's easy to listen.. ask questions... keep people talking about themselves. Many people love that and it is much less likely to highlight a lack of attention span.

I use it all the time with family, acquaintances, social things. Makes it easier.

Also a great thing namazu said ... if people get the idea that you tend to judge people, it's a small step to think you're judging them too, and it makes people feel uncomfortable.
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  #33  
Old 11-04-16, 09:21 AM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

I think namazu pretty much nailed it.

By the way, especially for those with ADHD, all religion becomes disorganized anyway.
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  #34  
Old 11-04-16, 02:47 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Fortunately, each and every woman gets to decide for herself who her “alpha” is, regardless of what the culture-at-large says.

I say fortunately because my sense is that women eat enough culturally-defined **** sandwiches as it is.

---

And that points to something larger...talking about “men,” or “women,” is of little use because relationships are made between and among individuals who have the autonomy to decide for themselves how relationships work, what their values are, and so on.

And I tend to think all those things that make the generalities untrue are what contribute to my finding any given person attractive...because those things make them...so very...human.


Cheers,
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  #35  
Old 11-04-16, 02:51 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeon
And that points to something larger...talking about “men,” or “women,” is of little use because relationships are made between and among individuals who have the autonomy to decide for themselves how relationships work, what their values are, and so on.
Good point.
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  #36  
Old 11-04-16, 03:51 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

What I'm about to say is way "out on a limb".

I have ADHD, and as far as alpha males I'm about as beta as it gets. My wife was even somewhat surprised after meeting me - she thought from the way I look and the way I act that maybe I was gay and maybe I just hadn't realized it yet. I'm heterosexual, but I look and act sort of feminine, and I tend to have friends who are female. I tend to be uncomfortable around the stereotypical "manly men", and I've certainly felt bad about that fact in the past, though I've never faced any real problems (like discrimination or bullying or whatever) that were directly because of it.

However, I can easily imagine a scenario in which I could have become intensely uncomfortable with that fact of my life and could have decided (unconsciously perhaps) to put it out of my life by trying to out-alpha the alphas and "make myself into a man".

By being who I am, without apologies and without concessions to what I think society wants, I have ended up with someone who is perfect for me. If I had been trying to transform my image into that of "a real man" (whatever that means, last I checked I'm a man ), then we never would have found each other and I'd be lonely in a basement apartment someplace.

Be who you are, not what a man (or woman or anything else) is supposed to be. Maybe not many people want someone who is unusual (or maybe they do!), but nobody wants a false persona.
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  #37  
Old 11-04-16, 05:35 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

OK, here goes.

Men don't chose women, women choose the man.

If a woman is pretty, ADD or not, she will get dates.
A pretty lonely woman is that way by choice, waiting for her Prince charming.

A guy with ADD repels women because women look to men as 'providers' and a woman has an innate sense to 'detect' men that may not make the cut it seems.

So, when the women on here say that she will come along, that is coming from their POV in the real world, for you it's been 11 years, for me, over a year, and I am a decent looking guy and I am 6'2'.

btw, 'Fudgy', my female cat wants me, hey, at least some female wants me.
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  #38  
Old 11-04-16, 05:43 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

80% of the women out there are after 20% of the men (alpha males)
Those 20% of the men are dating 80% of the date-able women.

That's why a lot of guys get no dates, but a few can't shake the women off their arms.

Nobody said nature was fair.
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  #39  
Old 11-04-16, 06:28 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FogNoggin View Post
OK, here goes.

Men don't chose women, women choose the man.

If a woman is pretty, ADD or not, she will get dates.
A pretty lonely woman is that way by choice, waiting for her Prince charming.

A guy with ADD repels women because women look to men as 'providers' and a woman has an innate sense to 'detect' men that may not make the cut it seems.

So, when the women on here say that she will come along, that is coming from their POV in the real world, for you it's been 11 years, for me, over a year, and I am a decent looking guy and I am 6'2'.
I can't agree with this because it just isn't true. It might be true sometimes in some places for some people - but certainly not all the time.
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  #40  
Old 11-04-16, 06:30 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FogNoggin View Post
80% of the women out there are after 20% of the men (alpha males)
Those 20% of the men are dating 80% of the date-able women.

That's why a lot of guys get no dates, but a few can't shake the women off their arms.

Nobody said nature was fair.
I've never met (or even seen) these mythical woman-stealing demons you're talking about.
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Old 11-04-16, 07:30 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FogNoggin View Post
I am a decent looking guy and I am 6'2'.
You could be great looking, indeed, a prize specimen, but I am going to guess that when women make use of
that innate sense you mentioned, and “detect” your perspective and attitude, it isn’t going to matter whether
you have a winning genetic lottery ticket or not, and you may as well be 5'5" tall.

Lulz,
Ian
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  #42  
Old 11-04-16, 08:42 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Oh my Gawd people!

Don't mince the facts, for the most part this is true and the inescapable fact of biology.

Perhaps a lot of it is my poor socialising skilz, maybe it's because of ????, but I am a decent person and to assume I am not because I sez it like it is, well, believe as you will.



dvdnvwls, are you female?

Women don't understand the male POV, especially the lonely guy.

See it as being sexist, no sense hiding things behind the cloak of PCness and decorating things with lolloipops and rainbows with a dash of cinnamon.
I just can't stand people who kiss boo-boos and tell people that these are the things that dreams are made of and every lonely person just has to sit back and wait for
Miss. Nicegal to be waiting for you around the corner.

For Lloyd it's been far too long, he has heard it all, all the nice BS people tell him. For him, that's all it is, candy coated crap!

Reality blows, sometimes a little, sometimes like a hurricane.

Where's that Lloyd?
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Old 11-04-16, 09:00 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

He's probably on a date!
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Old 11-04-16, 09:03 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FogNoggin
Reality blows, sometimes a little, sometimes like a hurricane.
Yeah, that's sometimes true.

You're right that those of us who are not lonely men may not understand your point of view. And I don't think any of us can or should promise Lloyd that "The One" is somewhere out there, waiting to meet him, because it may not be true.

But I can tell you that from my perspective, as someone in a long-term monogamous relationship that does not involve a tall, rich alpha male, and as someone who knows many other (apparently) happy, long-lasting couples with no rich alpha male partner (including several in which the male partner has ADHD and/or autism), that I believe you and Lloyd are misattributing your lack of dating success when you blame it on women preferring rich alpha-males.
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  #45  
Old 11-04-16, 09:11 PM
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Re: I think that I'm undateable.

Well, that's our POV.

How are women going to change that perspective?

It's true though, most women go for the criminal bad boy, the guy with money or the suave smooth talker, none of which I am, which makes me the last choice in the pick-a-dude dept.
I am just a nice honest guy with a dash of Conrad Black at times.

And it seems there are too many here that will jump down someones throat if they disagree with their 'feel good pep talk'

I am a realist.
Sorry about that.
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