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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #1  
Old 09-21-18, 07:07 AM
userguide userguide is offline
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He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

I guess nobody said who is to support whom in this sction so:


I was inspired by Frustraed65's and daveadd's posts.

ADHD seems to be an all-purpose dustbin for relationship failures. Something didn't work out - let's chalk it up to ADHD...

I don't mind, but if that goes on I wil never find a wife if I tell her I am ADHD.


So could Non-ADD PArtners support me and write some super posiive sexy features they believe their ADHD partners have because they have ADHD ?

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Old 09-21-18, 10:53 AM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

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Originally Posted by userguide View Post
I guess nobody said who is to support whom in this sction so:
Everyone is welcome to support in all sections. You do not have to be the non-adhd partner or the adhd partner- or for that matter ANY partner.



Quote:
ADHD seems to be an all-purpose dustbin for relationship failures. Something didn't work out - let's chalk it up to ADHD...
I do not think its limited to adhd but around here I can see why that might seem to be the case. I think anyone with a mental illness or mental health disorder or invisible disability feels that when there is a problem in a relationship its automatically the person with the disorders' fault.

Quote:
I don't mind, but if that goes on I wil never find a wife if I tell her I am ADHD.
Well I do mind for you. I mind because you are not defined by your neurological, verifiable illness. And I think all people have "big reveals" to make in relationships and in the grand scheme of things I do not believe adhd should be one.


Quote:
So could Non-ADD PArtners support me and write some super posiive sexy features they believe their ADHD partners have because they have ADHD ?

I have adhd but my husband does as well so this offers me a unique perspective.
When I need to know a lot of info about something and I can get his interest piqued that man will research the sh*t out of it until he can explain it to me like he wrote the report on it. I mentioned doing a mini rennovation on the kitchen since we are wrapped up in a big one in the front room and suggested using a piece of stainless steel as a counter. Don't you know its been 4 days and that man has already measured and decided where we should go to look at pieces of steel and where not to order from on the internet? He has already moved on to what kind of cheap floor overlay we are going to do. This is all from mentioning a la-di-da conversation last Sunday.
His tunnel vision can be annoying dont get me wrong but as his partner I sort of help him channel it in a way thats more useful. He needs certain tools for the rennovations and I am fully supportive of the research he is doing about them. If he were reading about tools for no good reason and neglecting everything else, that would be a different story.

He likes his job and because of that he works hard and I am so very grateful that he does and so much more in love with him that he makes sacrifices. He very rarely gets anything for himself and never without careful consideration. I live vivaciously for the both of us. If he needs something that falls under the category of necessary yet kinda extravagant I help him decide on the nicer thing because I do not believe humans have to be 100% practical all the time.
He thinks outside the box and watches youtube to learn new things. If I watch youtube to learn something I have to watch it 1000 times to get it but not him.
His usefulness is sexy and his ability to appreciate with his whole being really gets my juices flowing. He is not so rigid that he is unmoveable but he also sticks with most choices he makes.
He is a spectacular father. He loves our kids and never hesitates to show it.
He treasures me- and I am no picnic with the bipolar and adhd AND alcoholism- never once did leaving me cross his radar.
He is more of a retreater than a fighter. I want things right out on the table in a direct blunt way where he tends to be less intrusive and allow people to come to their own conclusions.

These are some of the things off the top of my head. Now can I say with certainty that they are all as a result of adhd? No. I cant. But they are my adhd husband's traits and I am not able to separate the adhd from the man and vice versa. All is not lost for you. Or any other man or woman.
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Old 09-21-18, 01:04 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

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Originally Posted by userguide View Post
I don't mind, but if that goes on I wil never find a wife if I tell her I am ADHD.
I mean, ADHD is a genetic disorder, so your future wife/partner needs to know about your ADHD, especially if she might want to have kids with you.
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Old 09-22-18, 06:23 AM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

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I mean, ADHD is a genetic disorder, so your future wife/partner needs to know about your ADHD, especially if she might want to have kids with you.
Agreed but it doesnt need to be revealed in a way where the person with it is almost apologizing for being a "misfit" or automatically in the wrong. You know?
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Old 09-22-18, 08:41 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

Worry not guys, I wil handle it, just give me more positive argumets

Sarah, thanks a lot. You're objetivly not impartial but I think wt you wrot is abolutly uniersal and appealing to anyone
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Old 09-22-18, 10:12 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Agreed but it doesnt need to be revealed in a way where the person with it is almost apologizing for being a "misfit" or automatically in the wrong. You know?
Agreed! The person with ADHD doesn't need to apologize, and neither the ADHD person nor the partner should use ADHD as an "all-purpose dustbin for relationship failures."

If someone has ADHD, then that's their truth, and they should be honest about it with any serious partners. That's all I meant.
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Old 09-24-18, 08:06 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

Here's what has worked for me ... and I got really good tips from an ex of mine, believe it or not. As we were ending things, I asked her about what she liked about me and areas I could improve in, etc.

One thing she said was that I defined myself too much by ADHD. She said I was far more than ADHD ... and that she thought it would be better for me to think of myself as a person with X qualities first ... who happens to have ADHD.

Following her logic, she didn't like me telling her about ADHD so quickly. I got her point ... and got it as well about depression, which I can mention too early on ... A woman I later became close friends with ... told me that "hey, you seem to have the depression in remission, you don't need to mention it all the time."

So my advice: identify your strengths. What are you good at? What do you like doing? ... Work? Hobbies? Clubs? ... What do you like to do? ...

When dating, I think it's best to lead with your strengths ... and come to the table as a full and worthy human being. And really for this to work, you have to actually believe this: that you are a catch for someone, despite ADHD.

Second, I do claim ADHD at work and in dating ... but in a different way than saying "ADHD." I don't use the term. Instead, I own up to certain qualities. Organization is not my strength. Running committees at work is not my strength. Doing tedious work ... not my strength. I own up to all of these.

My strengths at work are working with people and improvising creatively in the moment. I also have a great sense for when something I say or use at work will bore people.

So I don't think you need to mention ADHD at first ... mention in a month into a serious relationship ... maybe even two months or three months. But claim the qualities. Don't run from those qualities.

It does NOT help other people to say, be late to a date and then say "it's because I have ADHD." Other people don't know what to do with that! Should they then expect me to be late to every event? ... So are they not allowed to be angry at me?

Just flip this and imagine dating someone who arrived late for a meeting or missed a meeting and said, "Oh, I have ADHD." You wouldn't know how to react.

ADHD is just one of your traits. The people you date will have their own trait that they are insecure about ... No one is perfect.

Don't know if that helps.
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Old 09-24-18, 11:33 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post

When dating, I think it's best to lead with your strengths ... and come to the table as a full and worthy human being. And really for this to work, you have to actually believe this: that you are a catch for someone, despite ADHD.

My strengths at work are working with people and improvising creatively in the moment. I also have a great sense for when something I say or use at work will bore people.


ADHD is just one of your traits. The people you date will have their own trait that they are insecure about ... No one is perfect.

Don't know if that helps.
Thanks Tone,

I agree with what you said, ADHD is not the only hat I have.

My intenion is bigger, however: I want to make even this hat look fashonable and expensive

So I discard "you'e good despite adhd" type of argumernts, that's not enough for me

I like the "boredom whistleblower" one, I think i's unique to adhd and ery precious nowdays.

Improvising is not my best however, I am PI type, I'd rather plan and reearch than improvise. So not safe in dating


Quote:
So I don't think you need to mention ADHD at first ... mention in a month into a serious relationship ... maybe even two months or three months. But claim the qualities. Don't run from those qualities.
I wonder how you handle it...3 monhs into the relationship and she does't know I have adhd ?

That sounds like a nice challenge actually.
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Old 10-02-18, 09:21 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

By three months, I want to have come clean on being spacey ...

So that's probably a good time to go into more depth ... and reveal ADHD ...

But keep in mind: the main thing a partner wants to know is that you can be a good partner.
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Old 10-05-18, 08:34 PM
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Re: He's got ADHD but otherwise he's amzing - wtf? ;[

And lead with your strengths ... That's sorta my response to your desire to make your hat look expensive.

I haven't thought of this til now, but I don't think I can separate my strengths from my ADHD. Hmmmm ... not sure.

But ... I'm gonna be real with you ... Unless you can afford a full-time assistant who does all your paperwork and handles bills and arranges a maid and cleaning staff to come to your house ... unless you can afford all of that ... so that your mind is freed up for your ingenious ADHD ideas, I don't think you can dress up ADHD.

But a person with ADHD has more going on than ADHD--those "other" qualities--which may or may not touch on ADHD--are what you can dress up. Passions, interests, hobbies, successes in life, insights about life, things you are proud of.

Just my three cents.
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